Category Archives: fashion

My Top Five Fashion Picks… Spring 2013 Edition

Loads of zig-zaggy clothes that you should be wearing, according to people who are too vain to do proper jobs

Loads of zig-zaggy clothes that you should be wearing, according to people who are too vain to do proper jobs

Every so often, someone asks me, ‘Where did you get your outfit?’ and before I can reply, ‘Oxfam’, ‘The dump’ or ‘I’m being bribed by a homeless person to wear the contents of the wardrobe for no valid reason’, they snort out a punchline like ‘Cos you should ask for a refund!’ or ‘Can you please get off my property?’

In short, I’m a friggin’ fashion icon.

Which is why I choose to blog every so often on the subject of fashion, passing the gauntlet of my expertise on fashion sub-topics, like ‘how to maximise your spare tyre’ and ‘how to pick unflattering cuts of jeans’, to you, the reluctant reader.

Here are my Spring 2013 tips.

Waterproof Coats

I know what you’re thinking; beige Macs, khaki parkas etc. However, I’m referring to something a little more durable, and here’s why: the shit is about to hit the fan. If you thought our economy was slowly prising itself out of the shitter by its tired, skinned fingers- think again. The gap between rich and poor is widening, the housing market has not ‘’bottomed out’’, the cuts haven’t even begun to resonate. I wonder will one day, the Chinese version of Bob Geldof pen a Christmas song for us so we can all enjoy the sweet relief of a Findus Turkey Slice (you wish it had fucking horse in it) each on Christmas Day 2036. That sky is full of shit, people- get yourself a waterproof coat.

Bob Geldof: coming to your from his big mansion in Notting Hill to ask you for money to partially give to the poor. Perhaps.

Bob Geldof: coming to your from his big mansion in Notting Hill to ask you for money to partially give to the poor. Perhaps.

Pair of Sunglasses

Brilliantly, Spring is that time of year when every type of ‘extreme’ weather is accompanied by a dusty one-liner. For example, a snow shower in March= ‘Where’s this global warming everyone keeps going on about?’, a few hours of sunshine in April followed by a period of rain= ‘There’s Summer over for another year’. Investing in a pair of sunglasses ensures that you can roll your eyes endlessly at all these bullshit without jokesters being made aware of your disdain. But then again, considering these people are the sort of people to forward you on chain e-mails containing death threats you can’t even begin to muster up a fuck to give about, just punch them in the face and be done with it.

Sandwich Necklace

Recently, whilst standing in a crowded place eating a Cuban pulled-pork sub, it hit me, ‘How the fuck are us wimmin supposed to snag ourselves a husband when we don’t even trying to be fucking dainty?’ Of course, I immediately threw my sub in the bin and hung around hoping for someone to pat me on the arse and tell me I did a great job of cleaning the kitchen. But what if I had a cute accessory that held my sandwich whilst also pulling together an outfit? I wouldn’t have had to fuck that sub in the bin…

Enter: the Sandwich Necklace (TM). Functional and fashionable, it provides a sandwich perch for your sub whilst the necklace bit comes in an array of ribbon-y colours based on whatever ribbons you can find knocking about your cupboards. Leaves your otherwise sandwich-engaged hands free for unpaid manual labour, drying your eyes after crying yourself to sleep and ‘liking’ Marilyn Monroe quotes on Facebook.

Sandwich Necklace (TM), coming to a market what sells food near you.

Sandwich Necklace (TM), coming to a market what sells food near you.

 Earmuffs

With our fluctuating Spring weather, you can’t even begin to predict if those few hours of sunshine followed by a period of rain signals that Summer is over for another year, or whether that March snow-shower shows that global warming isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, so why not invest in a pair of not-cunty-at-all earmuffs to keep your ears toasty? As an added bonus, since Cheryl (née Cole, née Tweedy) is making a comeback after a few months off from ‘’making music’’, said earmuffs could make all the difference between her strained vocals muffling their way to your unsuspecting brain, and snapping under the rage and going straight to Pineapple Dance Studios or wherever she spends her Nike Air Max-wearing days and clubbing her to death with a Bargain Bin spilling over with cracked copies of ‘Sound of the Underground’ (surely Cheryl, the human equivalent of a spat-out Juicy Fruit raving at a Big Fat Gypsy Wedding would know that the lyrics of ‘Sound of the Underground’ do not, in fact, depict the sound of the underground).

Cheryl: Face of an angel, voice of a deaf 50-a-day smoker

Cheryl: Face of an angel, voice of a deaf 50-a-day smoker

Knee Pads

Poor Queen Elizabeth has kicked off Spring 2013 by falling ill with Gastroenteritis so investing in a good pair of kneepads so you can fall to your knees and pray for her speedy recovery is something you should do pronto. Isn’t it great that Queen Elizabeth, or Cuntface as I shall henceforth refer to her as, can check herself into a private healthcare facility for something that most of us wouldn’t even ring in sick over, while the rest of us watch as the NHS deteriorates from ‘paltry’ to ‘abysmal’ right before our very eyes? I, for one, am glad that Cuntface can go home and sleep off her minor illness in her taxpayer-funded palace nursed by the ‘little people’ that serve her, because humouring the Monarchy isn’t antiquated fuckery at all. Furthermore, it is my utmost hope that she doesn’t, y’know, die a slow and painful death or anything.

Well, that’s my picks for Spring 2013. Have a fashionable day, girlfriends! Etc.

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My Top Five Fashion Tips For January- Slimming Special!

Vogue.

I hope by now you will have noticed the recurring theme running through January’s posts that all pay tribute to the fact that January is easily the most horribly depressing fucker that ever existed. Also, The Thinking Gal is a year old this month, so I’m celebrating by being extra sour and trying not to shoot myself in the face, so that’s also why my posts are super cheerful these days.

Anyway, January is traditionally renound as a lean, healthy month where we all try our best to shed those Christmas pounds, resolve to become better versions of ourselves (denial) and prepare for the year ahead. In terms of fashion, we’re talking heavy, natural fabrics in blacks and browns in an attempt to keep warm whilst similtaneously hiding the fact that you ate like a greedy fucker over the Christmas holidays, even whilst watching the Oxfam advertisement (basically just a clipshow of starving children), without even so much as taking the wrappers off the Quality Street sweets first.

So how does one hide their festive bulge whilst maintaining fashionista status during this cold, Winter month? Here’s how:

Cloak of Invisibility

January chic.

January chic.

Throwing on a Cloak of Invisibility, or a Jimmy Saville Raincoat as it is known to those in senior positions within the BBC during the 1960s to the present day, helps you to look fabulous in a heartbeat because being invisible means no-one can see how fat you are. Dress it up, dress it down- it doesn’t matter because you’ll be invisible. And beyond being a high-fashion garment within the cartoon community, a Cloak of Invisibility has many practical uses, such as helping you stalk without consequence, providing a medium via which you can shoplift effectively and- best of all- commiting untraceable murder. Farewell, midnight police raids! So long, warrant for your arrest! And so on.

Spanx The Monkey

Considering how fat I am, I like to layer my Spanx on top of each other so that all possible flab is contained within those mummified layers. Spanx, for those of you who are are unfamiliar with the phenomenon, are basically extra-strength American Tan tights with a special ingredient- self-loathing- that hold in your muffin top to ensure that women, no matter how much gender equality evolves, will always have it in the back of their minds that they’re not as good as men, who wouldn’t dream of wearing such a thing just to appear attractive to the opposite sex. For fuck’s sake. As I was saying, layering your Spanx so that your hideousness is contained ensures that your arms and legs look disproportionately large compared to the rest of your body, which is brilliant because you then get to make up bullshit excuses for your abnormal appearance, such as that you are a part-time wrestler, all the while knowing that people are calling you a ‘weirdo’ behind your back.

With a Moo Moo here, A Moo Moo there, Here a Moo, There A Moo… Etc.

Accessorise with a mobility scooter for the ultimate in 'Dying of Diabetes' chic.

Accessorise with a mobility scooter for the ultimate in ‘Dying of Diabetes’ chic.

Moo Moos, like the one Homer Simpson wore in the episode of The Simpsons when he deliberately puts on weight so he could work from home, are not only the hottest garment among the ‘over 55 female Traveller Community’ (such a stylish bunch), but are also deceptively cosy, drawing heat from your inner thighs as they rub together while you walk from your mobility scooter to your bed to illustrate you immobility to someone slightly less fat than you while filming for Channel 4’s Supersize v Superskinny. Moo Moos come in an array of unflattering Hawaiian prints, and are guaranteed to grab attention from your local news station the next time they are secretly filming members of the public as part of a Polyfiller-style piece on obesity to fill up the news slot on a slow news day. Expect to see your muffin top featured, you trendsetter, you!

A Great Pair of Heels

‘I like my men like I like my heels- tall, black and the most coveted accessory in the room,’ said Marilyn Monroe. No, she didn’t, I just made that up, but that’s exactly the sort of shit that clutters up my Facebook wall like a turd that just won’t flush. I personally spend my days trudging around in a pair of sodden Converse like the downtrodden bastard that I am, but women who wear heels as part of an everyday routine terrify me. For one, their arses must be made of steel, and they would definately win in a staring contest because the rest of us can’t look them in the eye. But for 2013, why not carry a pair of heels around in a carrier bag? If anyone points at your regular shoes and tells you they aren’t feminine enough, you can whip your heels out and beat them around the head with the pointy bit for a while, because that looks mighty fucking satisfying.

I Saw the Sign

No creepy bastard should be without this.

No creepy bastard should be without this.

If all of the above don’t help you to feel slimmer and more beautiful, then there’s something fucking wrong with you. However, I have one last trick up my sleeve for banishing those January blues- a big massive sign with the words ‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ painted on it with your own blood. No-one is going to say shit about you when you’re carrying that around. Of course, ‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ is optional (your own blood isn’t)- you can write whatever the fuck you want as long as it a) makes you look like a irrational mentalcase capable of GBH and b) is hilarious and endearing. Other suggestions include, ‘It doesn’t matter what you think. Does it?’, ‘Please like me’ and ‘I may be ugly but I can make a cracking roast dinner and therefore, can be your live-in girlfriend who hides in the cupboard when you have company round. Just tell me you’ll think about it’. Remember: in order to pull of wearing a sign, you may need extra accessories to achieve you desired look, such as a portable CD player playing Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful on loop, a knife or a dead cat strapped into one of those contraptions that smug bastards carry their embarrassed babies around in.

Rock on, fashionistas. Etc.

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My Top Five Fashion Picks For May- Rainy Day Special

After the popularity of My Top Five Fashion Picks for Spring/Summer 2012 (here), I was surprised to see that I have become quite the trendsetter and have spotted many people taking inspiration from my fashion picks. Why, just last week I was shopping and spotted a few sacks of potatoes working the burlap sack trend I had pioneered in my last post. Whilst being mugged a few days ago, my attacker was a vision in Sport-Lux, wearing an Adidas tracksuit and four coin rings- fabulous! I’ve even had some influence in the glamorous world of television, as many variations of my LWD of choice was featured on More 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Good times.

Anyway, seeing as the weather is so unpredictable these days, here are my top five fashion picks for this rainy May:

Under my Umbrella-ella-ella-Hat

Function, fashion and fun rolled into one with this zany Screech from Saved By The Bell inspired creation. This beauty allows you to keep dry while freeing up both hands to give people the finger for laughing at your ridiculous hat. This hat can be dressed up with your head, or dressed down by putting it on your feet and pretending you’re standing up in a little tiny boat.

Return of the Mac

See what I did there? Macs are perfect in-between attire for days when it’s cold, but too warm for winter woolies, or so I’m told. Accessorise yours with being smug and sneering at people like myself who are wearing glorified pyjamas while out for dinner. You’re more of a worthy human being than everyone else.

Be Up Shit Creek- With a Paddle!

Update any outfit with a practical yet charming paddle, perfect for beating Mother Nature over the head with and rowing your way to safety lest we drown with all this rain. In addition, this could be an ideal accessory for toughening up dresses for a night at the club, while also helping to prop you up when you get too drunk on vodka and the belief that your dancing isn’t as tragic as you once thought.

Lumberjack Shirts

It wouldn’t be a ThinkingGal fashion blog without a Big ’80s Lesbian (my personal style) tribute, and given the rainy, humid weather, no outfit would be complete without a men’s lumberjack shirt tied around your ample waist. Queen of this style era, Aileen Wuornos, was regularly spotted sporting this fashion gem. Beyond looking great and not-at-all butch, lumberjack shirts are great for concealing your weapon, wiping blood and/or evidence from the scene of the crime, and keeping you warm while hiding in the forest until the search party start to give up hope, before being easily and quickly disposed of in a river, along with the body. Oh, and it keeps you dry in the rain too. Convenient and chic!

Leopard Print Leggings

Nothing to do with the rain- I just like pretending I’m half leopard, half human. Or at very least, someone who eats the crusty bit around the top of a bottle of Heinz Tomato Ketchup– which these leggings just scream.

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My Top Five Fashion Picks for Spring 2012

With Summer just around the corner, us gals are spoiled for choice with Tropicana prints, neon wedges, crocheted anthing and midi-skirts in mint green hues. The shops are putting their tired Winter attire on sale and hamonising ‘Summer Nights’ with racks and rails of clashing-print, bold pinks and purples and the classic Spring LWDs.

Here are my top five fashion picks for Spring 2012:

Burlap Sacks

After having spent the last six months of my life learning how to create more tax breaks for the rich, and simultaneously trying not to commit suicide, my diet isn’t great and one can imagine that even the sackiest of spud sacks would be offended by our aesthetic association. Regardless, I’m being inspired by burlap sacks this season. Not only do I love their ‘shapeless’, ‘depressing’ and ‘brown’ qualities, they can also be dressed up for a night at Wetherspoons with a sparkly belt and a pair of George at Asda jeans, or dressed down for those days when you want some ‘me-time’ to roam freely around your house and cry about your shit life.

Sportwear-Lux

High street stores such as Topshop and River Island are investing heavily in the Sportswear Couture trend, which has been making an appearance in many Spring/Summer catwalks for the last few years, not to mention those of the 1980s and 90s. I like to put my own stamp on this trend by wearing my sweaty gym clothes everywhere because I’m overstretched and exhausted, while accessorising with a scowl and no make-up because I just sweat it off my face anyway during my workout to the point I looks like I’ve been ugly-crying, which I was, but come on.

Dungarees

While playing with fashion is fun, it is also advisable that you find out what suits you, dress for your ‘body type’ and don’t succumb to trends that are unflattering or inappropriate to you as an individual. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my individual style is ‘Big Lesbian’, reminiscent of Aileen Wuornos and other butch, burly women of the 1980s.

Therefore, I always have a timeless pair of dungarees in my wardrobe, that I update with current trends. For any other ladies considering investing in a pair of dungarees: My advice? Go for it. Multiple pockets to store your mullet comb? No sleeves to weigh down your arms when you’re writing Harry Potter fan fiction? An inexplicable constant presence of camel’s hoof while remaining baggy and unflattering in the leg? Yes, yes and yes!

A Nice Frock for the Dinner Dance

Spring 2012 fashion draws inspiration from the maxi-dress trend of the last few years, while paying tribute to elegant, garden party style, as exemplified with Rachel Zoe’s statement dress from her second collection:

However, this sort of thing is impractical for the dinner dance as you’d surely get leek and potato soup and rohypnol-spiked Smirnoff Ice spilled all down the front, and therefore, a touch of functionality is needed. As most of my nights on the town involve getting too pissed and having to be carried home, slung over someone’s shoulder (which I’m frequently sick down), a nice slaggy equivalent such as this dress is more up my alley for Spring:

An Outfit to ‘Blend In’

As every gal knows, while we love our statement pieces and garments that helps us to stand out, a nice outfit that helps you blend into the backround the morning after the night before can be a godsend for those days when you’re just popping out for a coffee and the latest copy of Vogue and don’t want to be recognised when you’re a little worse for wear. Therefore, investing in a ‘Where’s Wally?’ costume will do the trick, because I can never find him, no matter how hard I try. Seriously, it takes me ages.