Category Archives: finances

How To Cope With The Recession: Part II

A while ago, I compiled a list of bulletproof ways to cope with the recession (here), and due to the unprecedented demand for a follow-up (someone told me the first part was so-so. Ish.), here’s Part II: How To Cope With The Recession.

Beg

If I had a penny for every time I walked past a homeless person in any given city centre, just to be warned by a friend that said homeless person was spotted earlier preparing for a day of street begging by removing their Rolex watch, leaving it in the bejewelled glove-compartment of their customised Bentley convertible, donning rags and sitting on a street corner saying, ‘Big Issue, please’, I’d be richer than this entire epidemic of millionaires who enjoy street-begging as some sort of quirky and inexplicable hobby combined. So there you have it folks, go out and get yourself a head scarf and trenchcoat to start your double life as a beggar/assumed millionaire.

Cut Your Grocery Bill in Half

While many people complain about the rising cost of food, there are a number of excellent ways to cut down on’t ‘Big Shop’, such as identifying the person who reduces the supermarkets’s out-of-date food and following them around, much like a stalker, which you can justify to yourself as being ‘thrifty’ and certainly not a danger to yourself or others. Yes, if you weren’t within the premises of Tesco, that person would be applying for a restraining order with your name on it, but if it helps you sleep at night, then asking them for a list of their shifts for the week is merely ‘making conversation with an acquaintance’. If you have morals and thus feel uncomfortable stalking someone, you can alternatively slash the price of your groceries by standing by the free samples in-store and taking umpteen cocktail sticks while saying, ‘I haven’t made up my mind yet’ to the disillusioned salesperson.

You can also employ this tactic while getting ready for a fancy night out by going into Superdrug and using the free make-up testers. Remember to get that lipstick all over your teeth or else you won’t be able to ingest the remnants of oral herpes left on the tester by the last non-paying patron.

Ask For A Payrise

Money saving goldenboy, Martin Lewis, is a pioneer of making the public’s money go further, and his first rule of thumb is to know your worth and ask your boss for a payrise if your pay is below industry norms. Even during today’s economic meltdown, asking your boss for a payrise is likely to result in a windfall as they will inevitably tell you to go fuck yourself, sack you and employ someone to do the job for half your wages. Hey presto, £70 per week you never had before claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance!

Become A Kardashian

No skills required. It doesn’t matter if you are an arsy dickhead with little to contribute to society other than the ability to make every statement you say sound like a question and occasionally bust into tears on camera, saying, ‘I mean, people think I’m all about money and material goods but they’re wrong!’ whilst similtanaeously being all about money and material goods- you’ll fit right in.

Play Online Bingo

Not only does the glamorous world of online Bingo open up a new realm of possibilities for cash prizes, new cars and holidays, you can make new friends with the  losers other Bingo players in the corresponding chatrooms, bonding over discussions of how Dazza6969 should tell his girlfriend that he took out a credit card in her name to play online Poker or watching a love story unfold between CouncilEstateBabe1 and SwanseaHotGuy4U as they start having the type of online affair that would make Kerry Katona herself say, ‘That’s a bit low-rent’. Plus, think of the money you’ll save by not getting out of bed for days while you developing manic depression. Quids in!

Kerching.

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Coping With The Recession- How To Make More Money

As I mentioned many times previously, I’m poor as fuck. Being poor is a nightmare- all of your stuff is old and shit, and when people invite you places, you have to say, ‘I can’t because I’m poor’. This is usually a conversation killer.

However, everyone appears to be in the same boat at the minute because of the bastard economy. My computer knows I’m poor (probably because I type things like, ‘Aldi Online Shopping’ and ‘How To Make A Washing Machine Out Of Old Bric-A-Brac’ into Google) and keeps giving me advertised suggestions that are relevant to my situation. The other day, up flashed an advertisement saying, ‘This man made $15million from the recession! Find out what he’s investing in next at www.capitalistwankers.com! with a picture of his smug bastard face beside it. I wouldn’t like to know what he is investing in next because I have morals, but I would like to know his home address so that I can visit him, bash his testicles in with a baseball bat, hold him down while the entire population of African farmers shit on his face, and then take back our money, livelihood and future. Dickhead.

But my advice is to always be positive. And this means trying to find ways to cope with the recession. This subject is likely to be continued with follow-up posts as I have infinite ways to be thrifty and save cash, having spent £23,000 on travelling during the last 3 years while juggling the act of not having a pot to piss in. But here’s a few to keep you going for now:

Become an Entrepreneur

Even though the recession was in full swing in 2011, the amount of new businesses grew 10% from the previous year. Join these entrepreneurs by becoming your own boss, too. Not sure what to do? It’s easy- identify your talents and sell your skills. For example, if you have lots of children, force them to form a band and start shopping them around as the next Jackson 5. Always making up shit racist/sexist jokes and texting them to your mates while also having the ability to grow quirky facial hair? Become Rufus Hound. Gymnastic experience? Become a burglar in banks from films that have lasers to protect their displays. Someone once told you that your Facebook posts were moderately humorous? Start a blog where you write tidbits of gossip and instructional articles about things you know nothing about, under an arsy name that doesn’t even make sense.

Reclaim

If you ever had a loan or credit card, you may have been missold PPI (Payment Protection Insurance), and you could be entitled to reclaim that money. However, don’t bother printing out a simple letter template (here) and sending it off for the cost of a stamp. Instead, ring 0800WeScrewYou or 0845CallousBastards, or log on to www.PreyingOnOldPeople.com to give them half of your money just for sending that same letter themselves. The best bit is, the cunts charge you in advance to claim, which means you’ll be able to pay back most of the unauthorised overdraft charges they caused with your cut of your reclaimed funds.

Stop Paying Your Tax

Refuse to pay income tax. If HMRC get in touch, promptly point out that Vodafone, Amazon and Arcadia don’t pay their tax so you won’t either. I’m sure that will work out great.

Steal

Stealing stuff is arguably the easiest way to obtain things without having to pay for them, and chances are, if you work for a huge multi-national, you’re stealing from people every day anyway. To ease your guilty conscience, tell yourself that you’re a modern day Robin Hood or one of the youths involved in the London Riots of 2011 who is just frustrated by your stolen future, innit. Then head straight down to the Apple shop and steal a fucking great big Mac for yourself because stuff equals happiness.

Hook

Hooking, known as the world’s oldest profession, has always been an easy way to earn some cash but having a pimp is costly and soon, that greasy £20 note that your John has wiped his nose on will be eaten up by admin fees. Therefore, be your own pimp by getting yourself hooked on drugs, smacking yourself upside the head and shouting ‘Pipe down, bitch!’ and rocking a green snakeskin suit every time you be up in the club, homes. Hey presto- no pimp fees and more money for heroin and crack.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to hook in the traditional sense because the touch of a dirty old man makes you want to cut your skin off, then cut out the middleman (literally) by sawing off one of your hands, sticking a large hook on the end of your bleeding nub, dress up like a pirate and walk around Asda shouting, ‘Arrrr, matey!‘ at little children until a store representative pays you to stay the fuck away. Kerching.

Well, that’s all for today folks, I hope I’ve given you a few ways to save some cash and cope during the recession. I’m off to the hospital to get my nub treated for gangrene. And incase your wondering, I didn’t hook. I sawed my hand off off, fashioned the middle finger into an ‘Up Yours’ and sent to it Rufus Hound for being an absolute prick.

Fuck you, Rufus Hound.

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Calling All Racists…

Since the dawn of Monopoly, mankind secretly seethed when they were the recipient of a Community Chest card that informed them of coming second in a beauty contest. I mean, who the fuck came first? I actually hate them even though I know they are ficticious.

Only joking. But there is no denying that there has been a bastard undercurrent running discreetly through the human race that suggests that we, as human beings, must compete. Yet, what the fuck do you even win by competing? In this sort of competition, your competitors will never congratulate you, never acknowledge your successes and never let you think you’ve won. Yes, a little competition never hurt anyone, but I’m talking about the type of full on hatred received from others who just hate you for even showing up to the race.

Throughout my life, others have been better than me. It’s a fact. It’s probably the driver behind my future successes but, for now, it’s occasionally disheartening and disappointing, but that’s life. The compulsion to sabotage others to make yourself feel better- now, that’s abnormal.

Yes, I’m talking about racism. Having been raised in a liberal household, I’m disgusted by some of the justifications for racism that I hear, such as ‘They are stealing our jobs’ or ‘Everyone’s entitled to an opinion’. Bitch, please. I’m sure had that small child hadn’t migrated you’d love to be standing in the middle of the road selling the Telegraph. Moron. My favourite restaurant, in my hometown of Belfast, is a little cafe called Byblos, run by the nicest and friendliest men with whom I’ve spent many an afternoon (incidentally, if you decide to go after reading this, I would really recommend the lamb). On a recent visit, my family and I remarked on how much better Brunswick Street is with the addition of this Lebanese gem. In addition to the creation of jobs and the generation of much needed income, tax and foot traffic, Byblos and the colourful rainbow of new businesses to have recently settled have paved the way for a better, more diverse Belfast, instead of an area of which, a Thai man once asked me, ‘Is that the place with the bombs?‘. If anyone disagrees that these new enterprises are anything more than fucking excellent and advantageous to our community, go to Boojum and have a burrito. See, I told you so.

And yes, everyone is entitled to an opinion- but more so we are entitled to a right to live, so please let us.

I’m not saying that racism is entirely based on a compulsion to see others fail, but I do believe that this compulsion and general hatred is a by-product of miseducation and uneducation, and erroneously perceiving another’s presence as a threat to your own abilities or opportunities.

I’d like to challenge this perception by pointing out that the only person who is truly a threat to you is YOU- you are the only one allowing your potential to be capped, you are the only one stopping you from going after what you want and you are your solution to the problems you’ve created (the problems that you think can only be rectified if others are suffering, you silly bastard).

And it isn’t just racism. The fear-based perception that ‘difference’ equals ‘threat’ is breeding in many forms- homophobia, gender discrimination, religious discrimination- the list is endless. And then there are the ones who just hate you for no reason other than that you’re putting yourself out there and going after what you want. I have never encountered a person who was similtaneously truly happy in their own life while unhappy for others. Just happy or unhappy. It’s up to you which one you are.

Accept that the achievements of others have no bearing on you or your performance. Accept that other peoples’ misery will not sustain your happiness for long- you will return to being miserable. Accept that the only person with any scope to change this is yourself.

Accept that change will happen in our lifetime- with or without you.

And just stop.

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How To Earn More Money And Get Out Of Debt

We are a nation in debt. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to cut down on the things I like for the purpose of saving money, because I’m a greedy, materialistic non-entity whose ‘stuff’ defines my existence. Only joking…

Wonderful human being, Martin Lewis has long been flying the flag for Joe Public, in the fight against corporate crime, greed and the age of consumer manipulation. His goal in life is to get us all out of debt and back to a simpler time when money market instruments weren’t designed to extort money from confused individuals, stealing the livelihood of African farmers was not an ‘investment opportunity’ and when buying a house meant you weren’t paying it it off until retirement the sweet release of death. He is a great man.

But unfortunately, his tips to get us saving money and out of debt are all a bit grim. Do I really want to stop buying the same Primark top over and over again? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, because confidence can be bought! Do I really want to cut down on my grocery shopping? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, for I like eating until I vomit! Do I really want to ring the bank to reclaim the PPI they fraudulently added to my loan? No I don’t Martin Lewis, because I can’t be arsed and Geordie Shore is on!

What we need is to be enthusiastic about saving money and getting out of debt- to make the art of frugality a bit more amusing, sociable and fun.

So here are my own non-boring tips to make some extra money and get yourself out of debt:

1. Commit credit card fraud

If you can’t afford to spend on your own credit cards, applying for them fraudulently in someone’s else name not only stimulates our economy, but saves you a fortune. Step one- Open an Excel spreadsheet and title it ‘People I’m Robbing’. Step Two- Rummage through the same bins for months, gathering important and private information about the owner. Step Three- Once enough information has been gathered, apply online like the cowardly thief you are for all sorts of finance. Step Four- Go on a spending spree with your stolen money. Step Five- Get caught. Step Six- Get a friend to cement your arse-crack for your stint in prison.

2. Fake your own death

And say goodbye to debt repayments forever. In addition to being a hilarious prank to play on loved ones, faking your own death cuts down a lot of other everyday expenses too- such as phone bills (because you’ll be dead) and rent (because you’ll be dead). Prior to faking your own death, pick a hereditary illness to later die of, so that your siblings will be shitting themselves and lying awake at night, waiting for the grim reaper- titter! Entertain yourself at your funeral by rolling out of the coffin when someone accidentally gets too close in grief, making your family hoist your lifeless body back in whilst weeping with horror. Then use your coffin as a raft to sail the whole way to Panama. Hello, new life in the sun!

3. Steal from friends and family

If you choose not to fake your own death as you’d miss your loved ones too much, then why not steal from them instead? Stealing from friends and family is an easy and effective way to up your income, mostly because they trust you enough to let you into their homes where you can spend all day deciding what to pawn to Cash Converters in exchange for material items that are more important than your relationships. Heads up: sentimental value means nothing in Cash Converters, so if you’re going to say, steal your Grandmother’s locket, remember to throw out the picture of her with her beloved deceased dog, Tricksy, first.

4. Start playing slot machines

Gambling via slot machines, is a low-risk, high-return way to nurse your pockets back to financial health. And you don’t even need any money to get started. Simply enter any depressing pub, and take your start-up capital right out of the charity box. The children of Africa don’t mind- you need it more than them. Then spend every waking hour of the rest of your life playing Poker with a teletext-style computer. Insider secret: ploughing your meagre winnings back into the machine is a brilliant idea as this maximises your chances of winning even more money. You’ll be rich on your next go, I can feel it.

5. Sell a baby

Self explanatory really. Sell a baby.

6. Become clinically depressed

Being depressed to the extent you cannot get out of bed in the morning is an excellent way to avoid the shops and save some cash. In addition, because you aren’t paying money off your mountain of bills, you’ll be too depressed to answer the door to the balliffs who have come round to kick your fuck in and take your plasma screen. Bingo!

7. Blackmail someone

Besides being an excellent money-maker, blackmail has endless benefits- it helps to develop your interpersonal skills, you can hone your arts and crafts skills by making ransom notes, and you might even make a few friends in the process! Simply stalk someone until you uncover a dirty secret, and then threaten to tout on them. Remember, the art of blackmail is like dancing, you move and your partner reacts for as long as you choose to keep it up. Blackmail- like Zumba, but for cunts.

8. Participate in clinical trials

Clinical trials have long been an effective way for the emotionally damaged to earn some extra money, but us ‘normals’ have never really subscribed because we prefer to have all of our fingers intact, rather than obtain the money to buy a big bag of crack. But, in all honesty, do we really need all those fingers? I, for one, would be glad to cut down the time I take to manicure my nails.

9. Create your own spam e-mail

May I suggest, ‘Greeting frend. I am writing not for donation, but seeking companionship in time difficult to me. You see, my father, Prince Henrik the Second of Pretchovakia, is ill and soon to die. I am heir to throne and estate- you see, I need not the donation and am how your people say ‘heavy of pocket’. I seek lady frendship to talk and have the elbow to cry on. In my country, men talk not of feeling but I am twentyeth century male for new millenium and wish to meet lady to walk long on beach, listen to the Michael Buble and govern nation like Princess. I even pay air travel costs. All I ask is pleasure of getting to know you, such as name, first line of address, postcode, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, bank account number, sort code and characters 1 and 5 of your secret answer. Please enclose these details as reply so we can get to know each other. Many hug and more, Steve Henrik the Third’.

Obviously, you can write whatever you want, just made sure you ask the recipient for their private information in a conspicuous and savvy way, as above.

10. Prostitution

Prostitution is an excellent second job. Not only is it a tax-efficient way to make some extra cash, but you can also save on petrol by getting your ‘John’ to drop you off at your next destination, be it your pimp’s hovel, neighbourhood meth clinic or local shop that sells feather boas, ripped tights and other prostitute attire.

So there you have it, folks- ten ways in which you can finally get yourself out of debt and back to the good life. Anyways, I have to cut this one short, the internet is really expensive in Panama and my pimp keeps tapping his watch.

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