Category Archives: Himbo

Ten Things You Never Knew About Your Favourite Popstars

We all have posters on our walls of our favourite popstars. Some of us even kiss these posters ever night before bed time, and genuinely believe that one day, we will marry a popstar and turn into a fiesty music wife with a gold tooth and a multiple finger ring with a catchy slogan like ‘Ride or Die’ on it. I mean, not me but some other people do.

I like hearing all about the glamorous lives of the rich and famous, but more so, I love to hear the little known facts that make me feel like they are just like you and me. Here’s a few I’ve uncovered:

1. Prince of pop, Justin Bieber wrote his song, ‘Never Say Never’ after his mother broke the news to him that Santa Claus wasn’t real on his 19th birthday.

2. X Factor rejects, One Direction, were the brainchild of Simon Cowell. ‘It’s true’, says Wand Erection’s resident hearthrob, John-Jo, ‘Simon Cowell put us together after we wouldn’t stop playing football outside his house’. ‘We were using his wall as a goal post and he gave us a record deal so we would give him some peace while he watched Heartbeat’, laughs the band’s token babyface, Jim-Jo.

3. Lady Gaga is a jokester at heart and laughed off recent rumours that she was a man. ‘I’m just glad people were too busy looking for a bulge to notice my nine nipples, red tail and pitchfork, for I am the son of Satan’, she said in a recent interview.

4. The artist, Madonna, is actually a hologram, having died from old age in 1998. ‘I got the idea after I kept replacing the children’s dog when it got run over by a car- they never noticed the difference’, laughs the dead star. When asked if she prefers her human state or being a hologramatic projection, the star mused, ‘Well, it’s much easier to tame my feminine itch this way. You see, holograms can’t get herpes’. She then slithered into the night, cutting the interview short.

5. After they completed a ‘Sensitivity in the Workplace’ seminar, Maroon 5 changed their song from ‘Moobs like Jabba’ to ‘Moves like Jagger’. When brought to their attention that this was still offensive to Mick Jagger, Maroon 5 frontman, Billy Interchangeable replied, ‘Fuck off’.

6. Coldplay wrote popular nappy jingle ‘Mummy, look! I’m a big boy now’, for Pampers. ‘After the success of that jingle, we realised there was a big market of vulnerable bedwetting adults out there just waiting for our albums’, said lead singer, Fray Bentos.

7. Pop princess, Shakira is the voice behind the Go Compare advertisements.

8. Contrary to popular belief, pop megastar Britney Spears is just like you and me. Despite having millions in the bank, she still wakes up every Monday with the belief that this will be the week that she sticks to Slimming World, she hits her children and she has no idea what she is doing with her life.

9. After a lengthy break, Girls Aloud are set to reform and tour in 2013. When asked why, Cheryl Cole shrugged, ‘Well, our solo careers have failed, innit.’ ‘What Cheryl is trying to say,’ interjects Kimberley, ‘is that Puma sponsor me and you should purchase some Puma items in your local Debenhams’. The rest of the band were unavailable for comment as they were outside scrapping in the street over who was getting to stand in the middle of upcoming promotional pictures.

10. Of his family, Ozzy Osbourne says, ‘I’m actually not related to them. When I bought the house, they were squatters who lived in my shed and we just sort of hit it off’. When asked why he didn’t just ring the police to have them removed, Ozzy declined to comment because Kelly was holding a gun to his head.

Stay tuned for the next installation of this made-up bullshit gripping expose of the glamorous world of celebrity!

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Being a Himbo- Tips for the Modern Man

In an attempt to abolish the idea that this website is written exclusively for women who need to be put in their place, by women who need to be put in their place, I think it’s time to address the male readers of this blog and give them a few tips to enrich their lives. So, thank you for reading, boys, and this blog goes out to the three of you.

Let me start by clarifying that I never meant to alienate you with the pretty pink backdrop you are currently staring at.  This is a frequent misconception about my blog, and it would like me to point out that it isn’t pink, it’s merely blushing at how paltry and forced the jokes are.

Anyway, the Feminist Rights Movement called for the abolition of gender inequality, in the hope that, one day, men and women would be viewed as equal on all platforms. One would expect that this movement would propel the human race to disregard the objectification of women, and allow women the freedom to think and be heard, to be educated and to have the right to the same opportunities as men. In short, to remove the idea from society that women are just mothers, housewives and sexual playthings.

That’s the ideal. Many women still choose to tart themselves up, hoist up the cleave and call it ‘entrepreneurial’. ‘Beauty is power!’ they cry to shitty tabloid papers, whilst having little else to say because being smart isn’t attractive, and that elaborating means they have to use their words. Nonetheless, the Feminist Rights Movement and evolution itself has facilitated a change in attitude that promotes equality among the two sexes- but, while many women have enjoyed this progression, many men are choosing to devolve to nothing more than posing, pretty boys. Welcome to the age of the Himbo.

From Geordie Shore to, well, Jersey Shore, Himbos are out en masse, and if you don’t like it, well- you were a slag anyway. Next! At least that’s what they’d say. Himbos are very visual and like to keep women ‘on their game’ by telling them how ugly, fat and interchangeable they are. This is the first rule of being a Himbo- treat ’em mean, keep ’em lean.

Speaking of being lean- as an aspiring Himbo, disguise the fact that you are a vain motherfucker with no personality by being in great shape. This can be achieved by spending your whole day pumping iron at the gym and taking a fuckload of steroids. Don’t forget that diet of Lucozade, cigarettes, protein shakes and self-loathing! Fist pump!

Enhance your chiselled son-of-a-bitch self with a leathery, dehydrated tan and the latest fashion pour hommes. Every Himbo worth his salt knows that a pair of jeans that don’t cover your arse and are hanging low at the crotch are a fashion must, the more flourescent the better. These are extremely versatile and show off your cunty cartoon briefs that aren’t cool and make you look mentally disabled. Said jeans can be dressed up or down as required, for example, when you tire of working as a ‘model’ in Hollister and fruitlessly visit your local jobcentre, team your fuckwitted jeans with an annoying 80’s throwback t-shirt and American Apparel hoodie. You douche.

When heading for a Himbo night out the town in search of slags and chlamydia, complete your outfit with a wife-beater style top that barely covers your nipples. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to Topman and just look at the very first garment as you walk in the door- it’ll be the top I’m referring to. Choosing an appropriate top is easy- just look for something that suggests, ‘I’m sorry I raped you, but my friends and I were having a competition to see who was the best sociopath. LOL.’ Infact, Topman may have this very slogan in store. Fortunately, such slogans supply you with a much needed personality, and may make it easier to break the ice when trying to approach a lady who you’d like to date and later mentally abuse.

House of Himbo Spring/Summer 2012 Collection Bestseller

Which brings me to my next subject: companionship. Much like the outdated tradition in which a bride is ‘given away’ by her father to her new husband like a ritualistic ‘fuck you’ to feminism, Himbos are nurtured by controlling and subservient mothers whose doting is so intense, no woman will ever be enough for him. Reluctantly, the right to iron his clothes, cook for him and generally be a slave are passed on nonetheless. When you finally decide to stop drinking in the type of shitholes where your flourescent Converse stick to the carpeted dancefloor when you are trying to dance to LMFAO’s ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It’, you will need a Bimbo with whom you can settle down and kill time until death by defining yourself by the car you own. You must choose a partner who matches you in vanity, intellect and ability to fight and cheat relentlessly. It’s probably that whore over there with the face piercings. No, not the goth- the slag over there doing the Slut Drop.

Make your Bimbo feel loved and cherished by telling her how much you love her via Facebook and other public domains. Conversing face to face just means no-one can see how much better and happier you two are than the rest of us, whereas putting private and intimate information on Facebook is more attention-seeking and dick-bagged. Respect.

The love between Himbo and Bimbo is sacred and built on a long tradition of doing a poor man’s version of whatever the Beckhams are currently doing smugly and publicly. The Beckhams’ latest self-marketing ploy is to be perceived as demure and private, all the while living in L.A. and actually doing the opposite of being demure and private. Adopt this strategy by structuring your sentences as follows: ‘Not to brag, but (insert bragging bullshit that no-one gives a fuck about here)‘.  When in the company of other couples, bore everybody shitless by whittering on about your dull and unremarkable life. People love hearing about your lives because you’re so glamorous. And remember to name drop as much as possible so as to impress everybody else that you know someone rich, which makes you better by association.

And finally, whether your hobnobbing with others and getting your ‘brand‘ out there, or just chilling with your friends that you call ‘homies’ or some other outdated word- remember to talk like an absolute cunt. Make sure to overuse the words ‘Awesome’, ‘Rock’ (as a verb), ‘Super’, ‘Dude’ and ‘Epic’, it’s really original and not hilarious in a laughing-at-you way at all. Justin Bieber would be proud, dude.

Oh, and before I forget, invest in a tennis racket to bat back all of the offers from MTV to star in their new reality show, seeing as you are ideal.

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