Category Archives: music

Ten Things You Never Knew About… 5ive

Five

Bad boys of manufactured pop, 5ive have recently hit our screens again as part of ITV2’s The Big Reunion (a programme that takes bands who were too shit to achieve longevity in the music industry around the time that S Club 7 were doing alright…), and true to form, they are still the coolest dudes to have ever graced the pages of Smash Hits magazine. Seriously.

Back in the good old days of baggy combat bottoms paired with a crop top and a head full of bleached plaits twisted up into little turd-shaped buns, no-one could quite put their finger on the reason for 5ive’s popularity. Was it their rat-boyish demeanour paired with their not-so-secret middle class backrounds? Was it their ability to rock plastic dungarees resting on shiny American basketball jerseys? Was it lyrics such as ‘Wiggy, wiggy, I’m getting jiggy’ and ‘The funky base, I give everybody crazy shakes’? Fuck knows. All I know is, they made Boyzone look like the rape-babies from Ted Bundy’s glory days. Well, they made themselves look like that. But 5ive were a bit better.

Or perhaps it was their ability to carry off the name ‘5ive’. I mean, do we pronounce it ‘Five’ or ‘Five-ive’? Or is it meant to read ‘Jive’ or whatever? I suppose it depends on the 13-year old chain smoking, truant playing fan gal trying on the coin rings of her slaggy friend in the school toilets. I preferred to say ‘Five-ive’, but that’s probably only because I really liked Five Alive fruit juice, and I always thought I was hilarious. Clearly, I was not.

But regardless, 5ive are back. But now they’re four. ‘But they’re still called 5ive!’ quips every daytime TV presenter that 5ive has been unfortunate enough to grimace through an interview with since they reformed. ‘Yeah, mon, that’s just who were are, innit,’ bullshits the one with the fake Jamaican accent. ‘Tie me kangaroo dahhhn, sport,’ chimes in the one who fucked off to Australia to escape the ‘pressures of fame’. Yeah, good luck with that fairytale, friend.

But what do we not know about 5ive? Plenty, as it happens. Here’s the (continuing with the Smash Hits theme here), 411, or 4our-11 as 5ive would spell it.

1. 5ive hail from LA’s Compton, one of the most dangerous areas in the developed world. When they all met in an orphanage for children whose parents’ died of AIDs, they started a gang to ensure their survival on the streets. After the gang lost most of it’s members to gun-related deaths, they turned to music.

Oh sorry, wrong band. All of 5ive come from fairly affluent backgrounds, and met at an audition in The Stage magazine that read ‘R U a badboy? Can you do a bit of so-so singing and dance like an angry Chippendale? Come to our audition to make music specifically for the Now! That’s What I Call Music CD franchise.’ Once they probably did a bit of rent boy stuff, they obtained a record deal.

Giving each other crazy shakes.

Giving each other crazy shakes.

2. Although he declined taking part in the reformation of the band, J Brown was known as the frontman of the band back in their heyday. J, voted ‘Most Likely To Be A Cunt’ by his high school class, has been painted in a negative light by the rest of the band since they decide to reform, citing him as the source of tension within 5ive. Conveniently.

3. The rest of the band are should-be-sound-but-isn’t Sean, tinks-he’s-from-da-Carribean-mon Abs, the-one-who-isn’t-Abs-mon Scott and throw-another-shrimp-on-the-barbie-Sheila-to-detract-from-my-creepy-fucker-smile Richie. Nice.

4. 5ive were formed as the male counterparts to the Spice Girls. ‘It’s funny that they saw a gap in the market for that,’ says Richie, temporarily forgetting to put on his Australian accent, ‘Considering Mel C.’

5. Even though they released several chart-toppers, Abs reveals that he preferred his solo stuff to the band’s songs. ‘Me favourite of all me songs, mon, was either No Woman No Cry or Redemption Song. Irie!’ Should-be-sound-but-isn’t Sean stubs a cigarette out in his own arm to stop himself from swinging a dig.

6. However, Scott is much more enthused by 5ive’s back catalogue and still listens to their albums at home in his mental hospital cell. ‘I loved the song where everyone shut the fuck up and left me alone,’ he twitches.

7. Even though the band fell apart in the early noughties, the guys still found time to maintain their friendship. Abs remembers, ‘It was just like de videos, mon. We’d ‘ang around our local basketball court, feigning a slow motion version of a basketball game while occasionally miming along to drivel into a camera that inexplicably made everything all stretchy at de sides. Mon.’

8. Even though they clearly share a bond, how will the band cope when Ritchie has to return to Australia? ‘Ritchie doesn’t live in Australia, it’s all a lie,’ explains Scott. ‘When he filmed for ITV, all the koala bears were just toys stapled to a tree out the back of his parents’ house in Skegness. To tell you the truth, I fucking wish he was going back to Australia, the creepy-faced cunt.’

As it turns out, they weren't.

As it turns out, they weren’t.

Ritchie interjects, ‘Haha! You’re such a joker, Scott. No, that’s all lies, I promise. Ring Australia if you want and ask them. But you’re best ringing me and I’ll put them on the phone, because it’s erm… cheaper.’

9. But Ritchie’s return is well in the future- what about now? Is there anything the boys are anxious about when the ‘Big Reunion’ tour starts in May? ‘Kerry Katona’, they all say in unison. ‘She’s so talented that we’re worried we’ll pale in comparison,’ cries Sean, hysterically, clearly giving himself crazy shakes at the thought of Kerry’s endless supply of grace and charm.

10. But what’s next for the rebels of the pop industry? A second stab at world domination? ‘Well, I’m waiting to hear if being in the band will have an adverse effect on my housing benefit, and if I get the all clear then we’re good to go,’ smiles Ritchie.

Fingers crossed!

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Britney Spears

Razzle dazzle mime artist, Britney Spears has captured our hearts since she burst on to the pop scene with her American dream facade, darkened with a suspected-incestual past and a fuckload of brown lipstick.

Since then, Britney’s personal life has played out in front of our very eyes to the backdrop of her hit catalogue of songs, the subject matter of which is usually something to do with how people are always telling her what to do. I say, let her write her own fucking songs and we’ll all have a good laugh at that instead. It’d be an endless monologue of how great lollipops are from the perspective of a child prostitute.

Anyways, we are constantly bombarded with the daily happenings of the current X Factor USA judge- but what do we not know about her? Here’s Ten Things You Never Knew About… Britney Spears.

1. Contrary to popular belief, Britney Spears was not born in Hickville, USA. She was actually created in a laboratory in Russia– her makers fused together Kelly from Married With Children’s personality, 80s popstar Tiffany’s charisma, and the lying-in-bed-at-night-thought-train of serial killer Aileen Wuornos, in an experiment that went ”horribly wrong”.

2. After being adopted by a bunch of rednecks, Britney spent the majority of her early childhood living in a trailer and being jealous of Jon Benet Ramsey for being both a child pageant queen and dead.

3. Before Britney had even hit puberty, she had already become a familiar face on redneck television, advertising products such as cheese-flavoured butter and ham shaped like a foetus. Foetus ham was such a success that 8-year old Britney bought herself a boob-job.

4. By her sixteenth birthday, Britney secured herself a record deal and was in the process of campaigning for her first release to be a mash-up of the theme song off ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and Christian nursery school favourite, ‘Zachaeus Was A Greedy Little Man’. Against her wishes, ‘Baby One More Time’ was released.

5. Even though Britney had little control over her debut song, she was heavily involved with the conceptualisation of the music video, suggesting herself that she ‘dressed as a sexy secretary, sexy nun, sexy schoolgirl or just a general slag, and gyrated around the room for a bit’. The video was a hit worldwide, especially in Japan where sleazy old men are known to be extra-creepy.

6. But Britney wanted the world to know that she is more than just a pretty face. ‘I also have a dog called Teapot that went to live on a farm’, she says robotically.

7. With a string of hits under her non-trouser-holding-up belt, Britney took a break in 2004 to focus on her personal life. And a right fuck up she made of it, too, after meeting once-husband Kevin Federline. ‘I met him in my garden, where he slept for several weeks, waiting for the right moment to introduce himself, impregnate me and bleed me dry. Britney laughs fondly. Oh, wait, I wasn’t supposed to read that bit, I was just supposed to laugh, wasn’t I?’, reads Britney from a page given to her by some corporate drone capitalising on her nervous breakdown.

8. At the height of her fame, Britney earned $1200 per minute. Well, her record label did. Britney’s share was a packet of Haribo, a second-hand Barbie doll, a box of smokes, a DVD boxset of Look Who’s Talking and a near-expired coupon for 25% off a tin of Foetus Ham.

9. Having lived through the hell of a nervous breakdown, two failed marriages, public humiliation and endless court battles, Britney is, gladly, on the mend- and looking for new business opportunities. Her latest endorsement is an interactive board game where men compete to see how many women’s drinks they can spike, before sexually assaulting them in nightclubs. ‘I call it ‘Minge Binge’, and soon, it’ll be in a nightclub near you,‘ Britney smiles shakily while doing the robot on a lighty-uppy disco floor.

10. With all the craziness behind her, Britney is looking forward to a bright future with her two sons and latest fiance, Jason Trawick. ‘The tabloids make him sound like another sponger, but he pairs jeans with suit blazers. And he wears glasses. So he must be casual but firm. With a softer, intelligent side. Britney will be alright. Don’t worry about her,’ she was told to say by Jason.

Well, that’s it for another month, folks. And thanks to Britney for being so hilarious. And for the song version of a Deepest Sympathy Regarding The Death of Your Cat card shaped like a tampon, I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. It just does not get better than that…

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Beyonce

Beyonce Knowles took the world by storm as part of ho-quartet, Destiny’s Child, back in 1998 and has never looked back since. As famous for her curves as she is her singing talent, Beyonce is a music icon, and arguably the most famous woman of her generation. But what do we not know about the singing sensation that has dominated the music industry for the past decade? Here’s the lowdown, with ten things you never knew about Beyonce.

1. Beyonce Knowles was born in Stoke-on-Trent to parents, Destiny-Marie ‘Bike’ Brown and Wayne-Paul ‘Smackhead’ White. But the star didn’t stay in Stoke for long, as she was given up for adoption to a couple in Texas- in return, her birth parents got an undisclosed sum, the exact details of which are unknown but rumoured to be ‘some smack money and 100% of the proceeds for selling their story to Take A Break magazine when Beyonce hits the big time’.

2. Beyonce’s adoptive parents, Tina and Matthew Knowles raised their prized cash-cow in Texas, and honed the young star for fame as soon as she was out of nappies. ‘Beyonce was that girl in school who juggled a violin, art case and her P.E. kit as her parents were aspirational middle class-types,’ says a classmate. ‘We used to call her Poncey Beyonce, and then she’d cry in the toilets’. Good times.

3. Despite her strict unbringing, Beyonce is known to reminisce fondly about her childhood, saying that she and her father would enjoy some father-daughter bonding by standing on street-corners in downtown Dallas, Beyonce singing Motown hits and her father threatening that ‘Santa won’t come if you don’t hit the high notes’.

4. Beyonce’s mother is a highly-driven dressmaker, recently finding fame as Thelma Madine from Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

5. Those big garish creations favoured by young brides of the travelling community aren’t the only people who enjoy Beyonce’s mothers talents, as Beyonce herself is usually wearing a Tina Knowles special. The two have even recently paired up to create House of Dereon, a clothing line aimed at people with too much money and not enough shame. ‘I don’t have the heart to tell my mother that her stuff looks a bit tacky,’ explains the star.

6. But Tina Knowles is thick-skinned, after Beyonce named the band that made her a star, Destiny’s Child, giving a nod to her birth mother. ‘Watching Shameless keeps me grounded’, she says.

7. Beyonce co-writes her own songs about real life experiences, most notably ‘Survivor’, about LaTavia Roberson and LaToya Luckett, who were in the original line-up of Destiny’s Child before leaving dramatically. Beyonce explains, ‘Aside from ‘Survivor’, I wrote songs called ‘I Hope You Have Fertility Problems Later On In Life’, ‘You Have B.O. And We Would All Laugh About It Behind Your Back’ and ‘I’ll Beat The Shit Out Of You With Your Motherfucking Weave The Next Time We Meet’ but none were as catchy as ‘Survivor’, so that got released. But those songs are all on the album ‘Slags, Slags, Slags’, so the fans can still enjoy them’.

8. Destiny’s Child’s fourth member, Kelly Rowland, has remained loyal to Beyonce, from the time when she was just a simple chimney sweep that lived in the Knowles’ servant quarters until now, where she lives in the eternal darkness of Beyonce’s shadow.

9. After Destiny’s Child officially disbanded after running out of ghetto-fabulous topics to sing about, Beyonce launched her solo career, taking the charts by storm with hits like ‘Crazy In Love’ and ‘Run the World (Girls)‘. But she lists her duet with embarrassing pain-in-the-arse Alexandra Burke as one of her career highlights. ‘I must have looked like one classy bastard next to that twat’, she muses.

10. Most recently, Beyonce has been hitting the headlines for the birth of her baby daughter, Blue Ivy, saying that she wants to concentrate on motherhood and family life for the forseeable future. ‘I want Blue Ivy to get to know her real grandparents, too’, says the star. ‘Destiny-Marie and Wayne-Paul have dotted on her since her birth, buying her a mini-Burberry hat, a pair of baby Nike Air max and a five-finger ring with the word’s ‘Main Baby Bastid’ diamante-encrusted across the top. Fabulous!’

Keep living the dream, Beyonce! Just watch your purse.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… The Spice Girls

The Spice Girls are rumoured to be set to reform for one last show at the Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremony. The girls comprised one of the ’90s’ most iconic pop bands- hosting sold out concerts, coveting multiple Christmas number 1 spots on the UK chart and even starring in their own film. But how much do you really know about the Spice Girls? Here’s ten facts you never knew about our five favourite poptarts:

1. When they originally formed, the Spice Girls had grand ideas about representing the concept of ‘Girl Power’– an idea that aimed to empower women, gave them a voice and promoted equality between males and females. Once they had been given permission to do this by their male manager, Simon Fuller, the girls marketed their ‘Girl Power’ image by wearing slutty clothes, having lots of public catfights and being anorexic. Brilliant.

2. The aliases that made them famous: Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice and Baby Spice almost didn’t happen. Originally, the girls wanted to call themselves Butch Spice, Bulimia Spice, The Bestest One Spice, I’m Rolling My Eyes At This Spice and Passive Aggressive Spice. Simon Fuller said no. Girl Power.

3. While their first successful release was ‘Wannabe’ in 1996, the Spice Girls had released a prior song that had failed to set the charts alight, reaching number 38 on the ‘Children’s Party Song’ chart. ‘Last Night I Spat In Grumpyface’s Tea- Next Time I’ll Piss In It’ was penned by Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, and to this day, the rumours that the song is inspired by her ongoing hatred for Victoria Beckham are unconfirmed.

4. Geri isn’t the only aspiring songwriter of the group. Mel C, aka Sporty Spice had written songs during her time in the group, but alas, ‘Going To Start A Rumour That I’m A Lesbian (And See What Happens)’, ‘Broad Shoulders’ and ‘My Adidas Button-Up Don’t Wash Very Well’ didn’t make it on to any of the group’s albums.

5. The band was rocked when Geri Halliwell decided to bow out in 1998, and rumours of a rift between Geri and Mel B, aka Scary Spice were rife. However, in reality, the reason for Geri’s departure was due to creative differences between her and all of the other girls, who disagreed with Geri’s vision to rename the group, ‘Geri Halliwell and the Other People’, in which they would only release songs about Geri and her positive attributes. The idea that the group would spend their free time trying to build a time travelling machine for the purpose of travelling back to Geri’s school days and slapping her now-deceased music teacher who had said Geri had [quote] ‘not an ounce of talent in her deluded body’ were also rejected.

6. In 1998, while Geri’s departure from the band left their musical future in tatters, Victoria Beckham (then Adams), aka Posh Spice, was about to embark upon a romantic adventure. We now know her as the wife of David Beckham, but Victoria had to kiss a lot of frogs to meet her prince. ‘I realised I’d be back on the dole once the band was over and needed to secure myself a rich husband before that happened, so I made my way around the Premiership and touched lucky on my 78th go’, says the WAG, ‘Thank God for David- he’s my pedestal. Did I say pedestal? I meant rock.’

7. One person who has managed to maintain a friendship with all of the others is Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. ‘I just let those fuckers waffle on about how much they hate the others, and nod along. I barely even listen. Now I’m worrying that it’s given me a brain tumour. But don’t worry, because if I play my cards right, surviving that will no doubt secure me a spot on Loose Women when Carol McGiffen pulls a sickie due to menopause’, she laughs.

8. After the Spice Girls officially disbanded, the girls have had successful solo careers. But no more so than Mel B, who spends her days getting pregnant by high profile Hollywood actors, then having publicly documented fights with them in tabloids over the paternity of her children. ‘I’m laying the foundation for my children to follow on in the family business by securing them their own reality shows in which they are filmed on their journeys to find their fathers later in life. After all, ‘It’s a Scary World’ out there, people! Jenny Craig. Other endorsements!’ says the star.

9. Sadly, it has been reported that Mel B’s rampant success after the Spice Girls has provoked a lot of jealousy amongst the others. ‘I wish I was on Bo Selecta,‘ moaned Victoria.

10. The Spice Girls have vowed that their up-coming performance at the London Olympics’ Closing Ceremony will be their last, but with the public hotly anticipating the reunion, some of the girls are hoping that the performance will reignite the band. ‘I wear leggings all day anyway, so as long as I get to wear tracksuit bottoms, I’m in’, says an enthusiastic Mel C. Emma Bunton has also been quoted as saying, ‘If it doesn’t affect my Child Tax Credits, then I’ll do it’. Geri Halliwell is said to be the mastermind behind the potential comeback. ‘I’m sharpening my knife’, laughs the star. Maniacally.

I’m away to cut my ears off.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Cheryl Cole

Darling and alumni of talent shows that have a clear misunderstanding of the word ‘talent’, Cheryl Cole, is a modern-day rags to riches story. For those of you who are unfamiliar with stars that adorn the front pages of every tabloid that aspires to climb up the paper social-ladder and one day achieve toilet roll status, Cheryl Cole (then Tweedy) won a place in Girls Aloud after appearing on Popstars: The Rivals, and has risen to superstardom with her own glittering solo career. Here’s ten things you never knew about Cheryl, pop princess of our time.

1. Cheryl hails from Newcastle Upon Tyne and is very proud of her Geordie roots. However, she has never met Jimmy Nail and will bite you if you mention him to her.

2. Cheryl’s debut performance on television involved her singing a rendition of ‘Have You Ever’ by S Club 7, a song she holds close to her heart. ‘It’s poetry in it’s truest form, alreet?’ snarls the star, menacingly. This is well-known to be a touchy subject for the singer, as she would have preferred to sing 19 by Paul Hardcastle but was prohibited to use the song by Popstars: The Rivals producers, citing that the majority of viewers are ‘practically Nazis’.

3. Back in 2003, a young Cheryl nearly lost everything by being involved in an alleged racial attack, a detail that she vehemently denies. ‘I’m no racist, man. I don’t reserve hatred for different races or colours, I fuckin’ hate everyone. I hate you, I hate your mam and I fuckin’ hope your dog gets knocked down. I’d punch you in that nightclub whether you were white, black or fuckin’ stripey.’

4. As part of Girls Aloud, Cheryl released hits like ‘Sound of the Underground’ and ‘Love Machine’– controversially admitting once that she wasn’t a fan of the pop music the band churned out, preferring R&B. Today, Cheryl has pursued her love of R&B by saying that her solo music, such as latest offering ‘Call My Name’, now falls into the R&B category, even though it’s clearly still pop. Each to their own.

5. Cheryl treasures family above all else and maintains a relationship with her siblings despite the fact that they make the television programme Shameless look like Keeping Up Appearances. However, leading analysts argue that Cheryl’s relationship with her gluesniffing, petty criminal family makes her look like less of a racist sumbag by comparison.

6. The same can be said for her relationship with absolutely abysmal human being, Ashley Cole. When her marriage to Ashley broke down amidst cheating rumours, Cheryl capitalised on the public sympathy and everyone forgot that she was a racist and had formerly spent her entire career span doing little other than bitching about minor celebrities to the News of the World.

7. Prior to her marriage breakdown, Cheryl was keen to distance herself from being perceived as a typical ‘Footballer’s Wife’. However, she neglected to realised that she was married to a footballer, and that her job largely involved appearing on Ant and Dec’s various zany Saturday night TV offerings in a Von Dutch trucker hat and a pair of hotpants, inaccurately miming the words to ‘No Good Advice’– making her Queen of the Footballers’ Wives. Colleen McLoughlin seethes.

8. Cheryl says that her marriage breakdown left her unable to trust people, admitting that her dogs and mother, Joan Callaghan, are her best friends. The representatives acting on behalf of Cheryl’s dogs and Joan Callaghan deny this.

9. After meeting during the filming for The Passions of Girls Aloud, Cheryl and Black Eyed Peas frontman, Will.I.Am have become good friends. It has been widely reported that the two have had a tryst in the past, but this is unlikely given Cheryl’s racist tendencies.

10. While Cheryl is currently embarking on a solo career of miming along to generic pop songs and dancing like a transvestite puppet going to a pyjama party, there are plans for Girls Aloud to regroup at the end of 2012 for one last tour. While nothing has been confirmed yet, the tour theme is rumoured to be ‘Tacky Hen Night’. ‘I don’t want to give anything away’, says Cheryl, ‘but if you think people suffering from dwarfism are funny, and you love to see them dressed up as Hobbits and Smurfs, then get your ticket in now!‘ A logistics representative for Poundland said that child sweatshop workers are currently toiling day and night to meet future demand for ‘penis straws and other tat’.

You go, girl! Join us soon for another edition of Ten Things You Never Knew…, when we’ll be making up uncovering the truth behind another mediocre glamorous celebrity!

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Bono

Executor of mediocre ditties and general joy-killer, Bono, has hit the headlines this week for making over $1bn from his 1.5% share in Facebook, effectively making him the richest rockstar in the world, but what other remarkable things has the U2 frontman accomplished throughout his career? Here are 10 things you never knew about Bono.

1. Bono met the other members of U2 at school, where they began their journey towards stardom as a group of friends. ‘We were that group who carried around Sylvia Plath novels, front side out, so everyone knew we were smarter and superior to them. Every school has a group of pedantic know-it-alls, who quote philosophers in everyday speech and lick up the theology teacher’s arse, you know, trying to be a modern day Dead Poets Society and that was us’, muses the self-proclaimed ”global tax” payer.

2. While Bono hails from Dublin, Ireland, he chooses to spend his time abroad, saying, ‘There’s no beating about the bush in Ireland- they think I’m a tosser.’

3. Bono’s real name is Paul David Lewson, but opts to go by the name of Bono to protect his family from being identified and harassed by the public. And where did the name ‘Bono’ come from? He explains, ‘It’s a shortened version of my nickname in school, which was ‘Fuck off, Bono’. Those guys!’

4. Bono is rarely spotted without sunglasses, but while many think this he wears them as part of a rockstar image, he actually claims to have a heightened intolerance to natural light- a condition he accredits to being a half-human, half-bat in a previous life. ‘My eyes are easier to penetrate than most, which could absolutely detroy them. That’s what she said.’ says the star.

5. U2 is a meritocracy and Bono sit proudly at the top of the band. ‘I win because I’m chums with Bob Geldof and I had the most lines when we were on The Simpsons,’ fondly recalls the star.

6. As Bono is the band’s leader, he is not only responsible for writing the majority of the songs, but also drawing up a rota to apportion potential  news headlines. ‘One week I’m in the press, harping on foreign aid and what people with less money than me should be doing about it, the next week, one of the other boys gets a go when they get a new beanie hat or start a load of nonsense over TV talent shows being a fix.’ explains the jazzy frontman.

7. While U2 is a four-piece effort, Bono and The Edge have collaborated together a number of times, and created songs as a duo under the name ‘Us2’.

8. Bono credits his ability to reinterpret the ordinary to help him with songwriting. ‘Not many people know this, but ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ was inspired by the struggle of San Salvadorian peasants in the mid-1980s, as we used to hide their tips in various places of the presidential suite of the San Salvador Hilton. We wanted to spread the word to the wider world that some people don’t have, like, toasters and stuff,’ says the philanthropic frontman.

9. Bono is involved in a myriad of humantarian commitments, aimed to help those in the developing world, stating, ‘I always throw my loose change into those currency collectors at the airport, and I almost never forget to bring my ‘bag for life’ to Marks and Spencer when I shop there’.

10. In addition to his generous donations (above) to help the poor, Bono is committed to the ‘trade, not aid’ movement, employing a number of young children to clean his house for £3 per hour.

That’s all for this month, pop-pickers! But we’ll be back next month dissecting the life of another so-so star with ‘Ten Things You Never Knew.

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How To Snag A Man If You Have Low Self-Esteem

Having a low opinion of oneself makes any task difficult, but trying to get someone to love you when you don’t particularly love yourself is a losing battle. However, when you find that special someone, they can show you how to accept yourself as you are, helping you to overcome those feelings of low self-esteem. And just because you’re so darn great, I’m going to give you a few tips to meet Mr Right and say goodnight to feeling shite (this was the best I could do).

Yes, that’s right ladies- just because you have low self-esteem due to hating yourself doesn’t mean you have to lose out on meeting a man, settling down and spending the rest of your motherfucking life cleaning up after him. Here’s how you can snag a man, even if you think you’re worthless and hideous.

Looking Great, Feeling Great

People who say that looks don’t matter are lying to themselves- looks are everything because people are shallow as shit. Disguise your low self-esteem, ugly face and lack of confidence by wearing make-up by the trowel. If you have a credit card, head to your nearest Mac counter and have a sales assistant with a superiority complex tell you that your face disgusts her, and how buying £300 worth of eyeshadow will make you instantly appealing. If you’re poor like me and your credit card is reserved for essentials like playing Wink Bingo online and adding to your Mork and Mindy Memorial Plate collection, go to Superdrug and see what’s on sale, and buy that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t suit your skintone; by the time you’re done beautifying yourself, you won’t know if you’re black or white.

If you are unsure of how much make-up to wear, google the word ‘Snooki‘, click on Images, and double the amount she wears.

While we are on the subject of natual beauty, it would be advisable to do something about your ridiculous hair. Delightfully, my hair is a torturous bastard and likes to fashion itself into a big ball of frizz, no matter what I do to it. I like to counteract this by frazzelling it under heated plates. This is sustainable, and my hair is not going to fall out in like, a week.

Finally, peruse the Ann Summers sale rack to find yourself a nice outfit to complete the elegant new you. You want your look to say ‘I’m a streetwalker, but not the kind that you can strangle and leave for dead after intercourse, because they’ll send a search party for me and you’ll go to jail.’ That way, potential suitors know you are a lady of class.

Being Seen At The Right Scene

Now that you’ve got the right look, you will need to start frequenting places where you are likely to find the right type of man. Any bar that is affiliated with a religious community that has a bitter history with other religious communities and lots of antsy patrons looking for a fight, or has ‘Legion’ or ‘Strip’ in the title, is usually a winner. However, if you want to steer clear of men who drink, then beat you, then promise to never do it again, then drink, then beat you, etc., then you could always go to loser gatherings for asexual beings singles mixers at your local church to find a man who is teetotal. He might still beat you, though. And cry a lot.

Of course, I’m only joking. Not all single men are secret abusers waiting to pounce; most men are decent and just want to see you happy- while cooking their dinner, washing their clothes and generally being an unpaid slave. Relationships are great, and having a connection that surpasses physical attraction and human decency, to the extent that your partner is comfortable enough to accidentally shit themselves while farting in your presence, creates a bond that no-one can tear asunder. Sharting- marriage, for the undercarriage.

The truth is, meeting a man you like happens when you least expect it, which is why you should just get on with your life and he will enter when he’s ready. That’s what she said. Creep out male collegues while assuming,deludedly, that they fancy you by laughing like a crazy person at jokes they made that weren’t even funny, stare at men stalkerishly on the bus and step over the ‘line of appropriateness’ by flirting with your friends’ partners. This is good advice.

Acting Like A Lady

In my experience, in addition to favouring women who look like whores, men love the ‘modern day gal’, keen to break the oppressive stereotypes of her 1950s counterpart. I like to attract men by showing them that I can eat a whole KFC Bargain Bucket on my own and how disgusting and sloppy I am when drunk by rolling around the floor and generally being a nuisance to our entire party, all surrounding parties and the people on their Twitter account(s), as they will be giving them a running commentary of said rolling and nuisance-being, with updates such as ‘Holy shiz, clean up on aisle four #drunkbitchesonparade’, ‘Dis drunk slut is depriving a village of an idiot. I love One Direction #burn’ and ‘Justin Bieber is my imaginary boyfriend and some insult about a woman who can’t handle her drink #genericpopculturereference’. Men definately want to date me.

However, that’s not say that men don’t appreciate a bit of femininity, too. Simple touches, like drinking your pint with a straw, not making it obvious when you are removing your knicks from your arse crack and not blowing your burps into his face to watch him contort in horror at the stench, tell your prospective partner that you are one refined bitch. Make sure you pick all remnants of onion ring out of your teeth and you are wearing suitable camel-toe covering attire. Men love that shit.

You’ve Snagged Him, What Next?

And after you’ve snagged that man, how does the modern day gal have time to keep him interested? As your typical gal-about town, juggling a hectic schedule- I’ll level with you. In between watching clips of dogs on skateboards on Youtube, crying myself to sleep and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction- not to mention trying to fit in all of my whining- it’s tough. I’m one busy lady. But finding mutual happiness in the little things helps- such as cooking him a special dinner that I’ve secretly spat in, avoiding going home because we can’t stand the sight of each other and crushing sleeping tablets into his tea so he won’t have the energy to speak to me. We somehow make it work, and it’s so worth it*.

But it really depends on what works for your relationship. Some people choose to have endless affairs to escape the reality that they fucking hate their life, others do drugs and some people just get the fuck on to a plane one day and never come back.

Relationships are great, aren’t they?

*It’s not worth it.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About Your Favourite Popstars

We all have posters on our walls of our favourite popstars. Some of us even kiss these posters ever night before bed time, and genuinely believe that one day, we will marry a popstar and turn into a fiesty music wife with a gold tooth and a multiple finger ring with a catchy slogan like ‘Ride or Die’ on it. I mean, not me but some other people do.

I like hearing all about the glamorous lives of the rich and famous, but more so, I love to hear the little known facts that make me feel like they are just like you and me. Here’s a few I’ve uncovered:

1. Prince of pop, Justin Bieber wrote his song, ‘Never Say Never’ after his mother broke the news to him that Santa Claus wasn’t real on his 19th birthday.

2. X Factor rejects, One Direction, were the brainchild of Simon Cowell. ‘It’s true’, says Wand Erection’s resident hearthrob, John-Jo, ‘Simon Cowell put us together after we wouldn’t stop playing football outside his house’. ‘We were using his wall as a goal post and he gave us a record deal so we would give him some peace while he watched Heartbeat’, laughs the band’s token babyface, Jim-Jo.

3. Lady Gaga is a jokester at heart and laughed off recent rumours that she was a man. ‘I’m just glad people were too busy looking for a bulge to notice my nine nipples, red tail and pitchfork, for I am the son of Satan’, she said in a recent interview.

4. The artist, Madonna, is actually a hologram, having died from old age in 1998. ‘I got the idea after I kept replacing the children’s dog when it got run over by a car- they never noticed the difference’, laughs the dead star. When asked if she prefers her human state or being a hologramatic projection, the star mused, ‘Well, it’s much easier to tame my feminine itch this way. You see, holograms can’t get herpes’. She then slithered into the night, cutting the interview short.

5. After they completed a ‘Sensitivity in the Workplace’ seminar, Maroon 5 changed their song from ‘Moobs like Jabba’ to ‘Moves like Jagger’. When brought to their attention that this was still offensive to Mick Jagger, Maroon 5 frontman, Billy Interchangeable replied, ‘Fuck off’.

6. Coldplay wrote popular nappy jingle ‘Mummy, look! I’m a big boy now’, for Pampers. ‘After the success of that jingle, we realised there was a big market of vulnerable bedwetting adults out there just waiting for our albums’, said lead singer, Fray Bentos.

7. Pop princess, Shakira is the voice behind the Go Compare advertisements.

8. Contrary to popular belief, pop megastar Britney Spears is just like you and me. Despite having millions in the bank, she still wakes up every Monday with the belief that this will be the week that she sticks to Slimming World, she hits her children and she has no idea what she is doing with her life.

9. After a lengthy break, Girls Aloud are set to reform and tour in 2013. When asked why, Cheryl Cole shrugged, ‘Well, our solo careers have failed, innit.’ ‘What Cheryl is trying to say,’ interjects Kimberley, ‘is that Puma sponsor me and you should purchase some Puma items in your local Debenhams’. The rest of the band were unavailable for comment as they were outside scrapping in the street over who was getting to stand in the middle of upcoming promotional pictures.

10. Of his family, Ozzy Osbourne says, ‘I’m actually not related to them. When I bought the house, they were squatters who lived in my shed and we just sort of hit it off’. When asked why he didn’t just ring the police to have them removed, Ozzy declined to comment because Kelly was holding a gun to his head.

Stay tuned for the next installation of this made-up bullshit gripping expose of the glamorous world of celebrity!

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Reasons Why I Hate Lady Gaga

I hate Lady Gaga. There, I said it.

For those of you fortunate enough to have died/fucked off to a deserted island for the last few years, thus not having been made aware of her existence, she’s somewhat of a superstar, and has a international gaggle of fans who gasp in shock and look horrified when you seem indifferent to what they think is ‘brilliance‘, and therefore I have always retreated back into the closet at the first sign of letting slip that I actually think she’s an untalented bastard. Here’s why:

Primarily, wearing fucking edible clothing does not make you ‘deep‘. It makes you WASTEFUL and ignorant to the fact that there are starving people all over the world who could have barbecued your dress and had a very nice lunch, you absolute arrogant tosser. This also goes for her other, stupid choices of outfit, such as the big silky tea-cosy dress (why?), net face covers (now seriously, what the fuck? Are you a beekeeper?) and big glittery triangle boob-representers stuck on to tops (general fuck.). The worst part is that those dedicated to fucking together a few scraps of twat-garbage and making it into a dress have now been renamed ‘House of Gaga’ when really all they are is a few homeless people doing an honest 20 minutes of work in exchange for crack.

See, that’s the thing about Lady Gaga- there’s a fine line between art and just some random shit sellotaped to a canvas, but if you say its art so many times with absolute conviction and no trace of a smirk whatsoever, fucking dumb fuckbags are going to echo your bullshit and also say its art while secretly not understanding what in sweet fuck you are talking about. I call this ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes Effect’, as much like all of the villagers not wanting to appear stupid by saying the Emperor was naked, members of the public wholeheartedly celebrate Lady Gaga for being a ‘genius‘, when in fact she’s just your average Slut McAttentionSeeker. Nothing she does hasn’t already been done by a whore out on Hallowe’en night in an outfit from Ann Summers. Because consider this, Little Monsters, if her outfits were art, why are they always conveniently cut to just below arse-crack level?? Is art secretly celebrating the female form of closeted anorexics? Well, um, yes, but… NO- she’s just a fucking twat.

Which leads me to my next point- calling your fans ‘Little Monsters’. Oh my god, this takes my dislike to a whole new level. Better not sleep with a pick-axe in my bed, incase I start sleep-walking to Lady Gaga’s house and hit her in the face with it. Why must you label your fans? Why can you not just call them fans? Is it some sort of patronising record company ploy to create a sense of community within your fans, thus encouraging them to buy more of your gormless face-adorned concert shit? To be fair, if I HAD to pick which set of fans had to die first, I would happily and wholeheartedly pick Beliebers (I would actually lend a hand and just start shooting them myself). For those of you in a coma after being in an accident that deafened you and also stopped your brain from receiving thought, Beliebers are Justin Bieber fans- the scariest and most likely to kill for sport of all fans of shit kiddy ‘artists’ (!) of today- they dominated my Twitter feed for the whole of Valentine’s Day with posts such as ‘Your boyfriend gets you flowers for Valentine’s Day, mine is writing me an album #justinismyvalentine’. Like, holy fuck. No, my boyfriend bought me flowers because HE’S REAL, WE’VE MET BEFORE, HE KNOWS I EXIST and I’M NOT LIKELY TO HAVE A LOCKET FILLED WITH HIS OLD HAIRS. Yeah, I said NOT LIKELY, so fuck off.

I’ve just realised that I have yet to comment on Lady Gaga’s actual music, but then again, no-one ever does. I rarely hear anyone say that her songs are good, but constantly hear remarks on her various attention seeking ploys packaged up and marketed as ‘eccentricity’. Can I just point out that the definition of ‘eccentric‘ is ‘Unconventional or slightly strange behaviour’, not ‘Trying far too hard to be weird because being weird gets you more attention’. If everybody’s weird, then nobody is weird- ever thought of that, Gaga? What are you going to do then- walk about in jeans and a cardigan with a… PLAIN BAG?!? Even then, I suspect that the vapid, soulless dicks running today’s popular cliques, sorry, fashion magazines would call it ‘revolutionary’.

To be fair, some of her songs are alright. Ish.

But even still, its hilarious watching the glittery face net masking Gaga’s facial rage of Adele’s whooping the shit clean out of her at the Grammys. Adele is the antithesis of Lady Gaga- unpretentious, down-to-earth and genuine, with neither a bell nor whistle in sight to spruce up her artistry.

I bet Lady Gaga is shitting herself. Oh, not because of Adele- she’s just making another dress.

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Muses I’d Like To Punch

The art of songwriting is a difficult one. Even writing this pile of nonsensical ramble is quite challenging, and this doesn’t have to be squashed into verses, bridges and choruses with someone playing the banjo in the background. So you can only imagine a relief a songwriter must feels when he/she finds a muse to inspire the freeflow of lyrics. Ah, muses. Men and women whose behaviour has provoked inspiration so profound to translate into music. Who we all sing about when we sing along to the radio and don’t even know it. Whose shrine is carved in musicality for all eternity. Which brings me to the point of this blog: Muses I’d Like to Punch (MILPs).

First and foremost, I think we can all agree that the bastard who is responsible for the band ‘Train’ to sit down and vomit up the lyrics to ‘Drops of Jupiter’ deserves a good beating with an iron rod, both for inspiring the song and being the ultimate in douchey, whiney human beings. ‘Drops of Jupiter’ itself is so full of incoherent babble that I couldn’t even tell you if this song is actually a love song, as it could also be interpreted as a song describing a conversation about space travel or a man going to a nursing home to visit his ailing mother. Nevertheless, anyone who goes on a ‘soul vacation’ deserves a clout in the snout. And rhyming that line with ‘constellation’- really, Train, REALLY?

On the subject of MILPs from the ‘Easy Listening’ genre, the muse who inspired Matchbox 20’s 3am is a crying bastard of the highest proportions. I never understood how the fuck ‘she only sleeps when its raining’- is she an insomniac or is she just trying to be whimsical so that Matchbox 20 write a song about her? This is a breach of the ‘Muse Code’, which states whimsy is an accidental by-product of marching to the beat of your own pompous drum. To be fair, the person who wrote the song did not realise that in order to monitor the MILPs sleeping pattern, he himself was probably grabbing a bit of shuteye when the selfish bastard went to sleep- thus he only slept when it was raining too. Which makes only sleeping when its raining a mainstream act- thus nullifying whimsy associated with sleeping when its raining. Boom.

However, luck be a lady should she be chosen to feature in a song from the ‘pop/rock’ persuation, as these songs usually take trying too hard to be deep to another level of hilarity. Exhibit A: MILP from ‘Rock Show’ from Blink 182- she kept fishing for compliments (‘I fell in love with the girl at the rock show/she asked why and I told her that I didn’t know). You’re supposed to be one of those twatty Limp Bizkit slut-goths, asking someone to tell you that you’re pretty is not an act of your people. Exhibit B: MILP from ‘The Girl All the Bad Guys Want’ by breaking-the-shackles-of-a-learning-disability band ‘Bowling for Soup’. With her ‘listening to rap metal/turntables in her eyes’, I could happily hack her to death with a chainsaw and use her predictable safety pin nose-ring to pick my DNA out from underneath her fingernails lest police investigators suss that this wasn’t a crime of passion.

Crap, I’ve got ‘Bowling for Soup’ in my head now. Where’s my chainsaw?