Category Archives: pop

Ten Things You Never Knew About… The Spice Girls

The Spice Girls are rumoured to be set to reform for one last show at the Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremony. The girls comprised one of the ’90s’ most iconic pop bands- hosting sold out concerts, coveting multiple Christmas number 1 spots on the UK chart and even starring in their own film. But how much do you really know about the Spice Girls? Here’s ten facts you never knew about our five favourite poptarts:

1. When they originally formed, the Spice Girls had grand ideas about representing the concept of ‘Girl Power’– an idea that aimed to empower women, gave them a voice and promoted equality between males and females. Once they had been given permission to do this by their male manager, Simon Fuller, the girls marketed their ‘Girl Power’ image by wearing slutty clothes, having lots of public catfights and being anorexic. Brilliant.

2. The aliases that made them famous: Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice and Baby Spice almost didn’t happen. Originally, the girls wanted to call themselves Butch Spice, Bulimia Spice, The Bestest One Spice, I’m Rolling My Eyes At This Spice and Passive Aggressive Spice. Simon Fuller said no. Girl Power.

3. While their first successful release was ‘Wannabe’ in 1996, the Spice Girls had released a prior song that had failed to set the charts alight, reaching number 38 on the ‘Children’s Party Song’ chart. ‘Last Night I Spat In Grumpyface’s Tea- Next Time I’ll Piss In It’ was penned by Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, and to this day, the rumours that the song is inspired by her ongoing hatred for Victoria Beckham are unconfirmed.

4. Geri isn’t the only aspiring songwriter of the group. Mel C, aka Sporty Spice had written songs during her time in the group, but alas, ‘Going To Start A Rumour That I’m A Lesbian (And See What Happens)’, ‘Broad Shoulders’ and ‘My Adidas Button-Up Don’t Wash Very Well’ didn’t make it on to any of the group’s albums.

5. The band was rocked when Geri Halliwell decided to bow out in 1998, and rumours of a rift between Geri and Mel B, aka Scary Spice were rife. However, in reality, the reason for Geri’s departure was due to creative differences between her and all of the other girls, who disagreed with Geri’s vision to rename the group, ‘Geri Halliwell and the Other People’, in which they would only release songs about Geri and her positive attributes. The idea that the group would spend their free time trying to build a time travelling machine for the purpose of travelling back to Geri’s school days and slapping her now-deceased music teacher who had said Geri had [quote] ‘not an ounce of talent in her deluded body’ were also rejected.

6. In 1998, while Geri’s departure from the band left their musical future in tatters, Victoria Beckham (then Adams), aka Posh Spice, was about to embark upon a romantic adventure. We now know her as the wife of David Beckham, but Victoria had to kiss a lot of frogs to meet her prince. ‘I realised I’d be back on the dole once the band was over and needed to secure myself a rich husband before that happened, so I made my way around the Premiership and touched lucky on my 78th go’, says the WAG, ‘Thank God for David- he’s my pedestal. Did I say pedestal? I meant rock.’

7. One person who has managed to maintain a friendship with all of the others is Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. ‘I just let those fuckers waffle on about how much they hate the others, and nod along. I barely even listen. Now I’m worrying that it’s given me a brain tumour. But don’t worry, because if I play my cards right, surviving that will no doubt secure me a spot on Loose Women when Carol McGiffen pulls a sickie due to menopause’, she laughs.

8. After the Spice Girls officially disbanded, the girls have had successful solo careers. But no more so than Mel B, who spends her days getting pregnant by high profile Hollywood actors, then having publicly documented fights with them in tabloids over the paternity of her children. ‘I’m laying the foundation for my children to follow on in the family business by securing them their own reality shows in which they are filmed on their journeys to find their fathers later in life. After all, ‘It’s a Scary World’ out there, people! Jenny Craig. Other endorsements!’ says the star.

9. Sadly, it has been reported that Mel B’s rampant success after the Spice Girls has provoked a lot of jealousy amongst the others. ‘I wish I was on Bo Selecta,‘ moaned Victoria.

10. The Spice Girls have vowed that their up-coming performance at the London Olympics’ Closing Ceremony will be their last, but with the public hotly anticipating the reunion, some of the girls are hoping that the performance will reignite the band. ‘I wear leggings all day anyway, so as long as I get to wear tracksuit bottoms, I’m in’, says an enthusiastic Mel C. Emma Bunton has also been quoted as saying, ‘If it doesn’t affect my Child Tax Credits, then I’ll do it’. Geri Halliwell is said to be the mastermind behind the potential comeback. ‘I’m sharpening my knife’, laughs the star. Maniacally.

I’m away to cut my ears off.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Ten Things You Never Knew About Your Favourite Popstars

We all have posters on our walls of our favourite popstars. Some of us even kiss these posters ever night before bed time, and genuinely believe that one day, we will marry a popstar and turn into a fiesty music wife with a gold tooth and a multiple finger ring with a catchy slogan like ‘Ride or Die’ on it. I mean, not me but some other people do.

I like hearing all about the glamorous lives of the rich and famous, but more so, I love to hear the little known facts that make me feel like they are just like you and me. Here’s a few I’ve uncovered:

1. Prince of pop, Justin Bieber wrote his song, ‘Never Say Never’ after his mother broke the news to him that Santa Claus wasn’t real on his 19th birthday.

2. X Factor rejects, One Direction, were the brainchild of Simon Cowell. ‘It’s true’, says Wand Erection’s resident hearthrob, John-Jo, ‘Simon Cowell put us together after we wouldn’t stop playing football outside his house’. ‘We were using his wall as a goal post and he gave us a record deal so we would give him some peace while he watched Heartbeat’, laughs the band’s token babyface, Jim-Jo.

3. Lady Gaga is a jokester at heart and laughed off recent rumours that she was a man. ‘I’m just glad people were too busy looking for a bulge to notice my nine nipples, red tail and pitchfork, for I am the son of Satan’, she said in a recent interview.

4. The artist, Madonna, is actually a hologram, having died from old age in 1998. ‘I got the idea after I kept replacing the children’s dog when it got run over by a car- they never noticed the difference’, laughs the dead star. When asked if she prefers her human state or being a hologramatic projection, the star mused, ‘Well, it’s much easier to tame my feminine itch this way. You see, holograms can’t get herpes’. She then slithered into the night, cutting the interview short.

5. After they completed a ‘Sensitivity in the Workplace’ seminar, Maroon 5 changed their song from ‘Moobs like Jabba’ to ‘Moves like Jagger’. When brought to their attention that this was still offensive to Mick Jagger, Maroon 5 frontman, Billy Interchangeable replied, ‘Fuck off’.

6. Coldplay wrote popular nappy jingle ‘Mummy, look! I’m a big boy now’, for Pampers. ‘After the success of that jingle, we realised there was a big market of vulnerable bedwetting adults out there just waiting for our albums’, said lead singer, Fray Bentos.

7. Pop princess, Shakira is the voice behind the Go Compare advertisements.

8. Contrary to popular belief, pop megastar Britney Spears is just like you and me. Despite having millions in the bank, she still wakes up every Monday with the belief that this will be the week that she sticks to Slimming World, she hits her children and she has no idea what she is doing with her life.

9. After a lengthy break, Girls Aloud are set to reform and tour in 2013. When asked why, Cheryl Cole shrugged, ‘Well, our solo careers have failed, innit.’ ‘What Cheryl is trying to say,’ interjects Kimberley, ‘is that Puma sponsor me and you should purchase some Puma items in your local Debenhams’. The rest of the band were unavailable for comment as they were outside scrapping in the street over who was getting to stand in the middle of upcoming promotional pictures.

10. Of his family, Ozzy Osbourne says, ‘I’m actually not related to them. When I bought the house, they were squatters who lived in my shed and we just sort of hit it off’. When asked why he didn’t just ring the police to have them removed, Ozzy declined to comment because Kelly was holding a gun to his head.

Stay tuned for the next installation of this made-up bullshit gripping expose of the glamorous world of celebrity!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,