Glamorous and not-at-all insulting to femalekind pickle-enthusiast, Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki, is knocked up. Sorry, ‘pregnant’. I keep forgetting that she’s a human being with feelings. Maybe.
It has been reported that Snooki is ecstatic to be ‘with child’ and if a girl, she will be named ‘Absynthia‘. If she is carrying a boy, Snooki hopes to call it ‘The Contraception’. While this name appears to pay homage to fellow Jersey Shore misfit and future rehab roomie, The Situation, Snooki has confirmed that it is actually an acronym, compiled with the initial letter of each potential father.
Snooki hopes that the baby is a boy, due to future career opportunities available, in which she and The Contraception can tour America’s country clubs together. She and The Contraception (who is an adult as this stage…. probably. But possibly not.) can pretend to be embroiled in a torrid cougar-style love affair while scamming bored housewives out of their money.
But that’s not to say Snooki wouldn’t be delighted if she had a daughter. Not only does Snooki yearn for an heir to inherit her array of $5 crotchless dresses, fuckload of neon flip flops and plentiful collection of grafitti-print lesbian-style trucker hats, she also dreams of the day she gets to teach her child how to pole dance for the MTV cameras.
And how will the young (in mental age) mother cope balancing a busy career of drinking until she pukes while putting on a whiny baby voice and hitting Pauly D with various inflatables and being a mother (theoretically)? Simple- little Abcynthia/The Contraception has already signed a contract for the next series of Jersey Shore, named ‘Jersey Shore- Whoops I Forgot To Take My Pill’. MTV producers are very excited about up-and-coming storylines, including an episode in which the baby wins fourteen consecutive games of Scrabble against the rest of the cast, the baby stays sober to look after the rest of the cast on a night out, and The Situation gets stabbed right in his stupid-steroidy face. Which has nothing to do with the baby, but wouldn’t it be nice?
Here’s wishing mother-to-be, Snooki, the best of luck in her journey. And more so to her baby, who should be quaking in age-inappropriate boots. Fist pump!