Category Archives: prostitution

Coping With The Recession- How To Make More Money

As I mentioned many times previously, I’m poor as fuck. Being poor is a nightmare- all of your stuff is old and shit, and when people invite you places, you have to say, ‘I can’t because I’m poor’. This is usually a conversation killer.

However, everyone appears to be in the same boat at the minute because of the bastard economy. My computer knows I’m poor (probably because I type things like, ‘Aldi Online Shopping’ and ‘How To Make A Washing Machine Out Of Old Bric-A-Brac’ into Google) and keeps giving me advertised suggestions that are relevant to my situation. The other day, up flashed an advertisement saying, ‘This man made $15million from the recession! Find out what he’s investing in next at www.capitalistwankers.com! with a picture of his smug bastard face beside it. I wouldn’t like to know what he is investing in next because I have morals, but I would like to know his home address so that I can visit him, bash his testicles in with a baseball bat, hold him down while the entire population of African farmers shit on his face, and then take back our money, livelihood and future. Dickhead.

But my advice is to always be positive. And this means trying to find ways to cope with the recession. This subject is likely to be continued with follow-up posts as I have infinite ways to be thrifty and save cash, having spent £23,000 on travelling during the last 3 years while juggling the act of not having a pot to piss in. But here’s a few to keep you going for now:

Become an Entrepreneur

Even though the recession was in full swing in 2011, the amount of new businesses grew 10% from the previous year. Join these entrepreneurs by becoming your own boss, too. Not sure what to do? It’s easy- identify your talents and sell your skills. For example, if you have lots of children, force them to form a band and start shopping them around as the next Jackson 5. Always making up shit racist/sexist jokes and texting them to your mates while also having the ability to grow quirky facial hair? Become Rufus Hound. Gymnastic experience? Become a burglar in banks from films that have lasers to protect their displays. Someone once told you that your Facebook posts were moderately humorous? Start a blog where you write tidbits of gossip and instructional articles about things you know nothing about, under an arsy name that doesn’t even make sense.

Reclaim

If you ever had a loan or credit card, you may have been missold PPI (Payment Protection Insurance), and you could be entitled to reclaim that money. However, don’t bother printing out a simple letter template (here) and sending it off for the cost of a stamp. Instead, ring 0800WeScrewYou or 0845CallousBastards, or log on to www.PreyingOnOldPeople.com to give them half of your money just for sending that same letter themselves. The best bit is, the cunts charge you in advance to claim, which means you’ll be able to pay back most of the unauthorised overdraft charges they caused with your cut of your reclaimed funds.

Stop Paying Your Tax

Refuse to pay income tax. If HMRC get in touch, promptly point out that Vodafone, Amazon and Arcadia don’t pay their tax so you won’t either. I’m sure that will work out great.

Steal

Stealing stuff is arguably the easiest way to obtain things without having to pay for them, and chances are, if you work for a huge multi-national, you’re stealing from people every day anyway. To ease your guilty conscience, tell yourself that you’re a modern day Robin Hood or one of the youths involved in the London Riots of 2011 who is just frustrated by your stolen future, innit. Then head straight down to the Apple shop and steal a fucking great big Mac for yourself because stuff equals happiness.

Hook

Hooking, known as the world’s oldest profession, has always been an easy way to earn some cash but having a pimp is costly and soon, that greasy £20 note that your John has wiped his nose on will be eaten up by admin fees. Therefore, be your own pimp by getting yourself hooked on drugs, smacking yourself upside the head and shouting ‘Pipe down, bitch!’ and rocking a green snakeskin suit every time you be up in the club, homes. Hey presto- no pimp fees and more money for heroin and crack.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to hook in the traditional sense because the touch of a dirty old man makes you want to cut your skin off, then cut out the middleman (literally) by sawing off one of your hands, sticking a large hook on the end of your bleeding nub, dress up like a pirate and walk around Asda shouting, ‘Arrrr, matey!‘ at little children until a store representative pays you to stay the fuck away. Kerching.

Well, that’s all for today folks, I hope I’ve given you a few ways to save some cash and cope during the recession. I’m off to the hospital to get my nub treated for gangrene. And incase your wondering, I didn’t hook. I sawed my hand off off, fashioned the middle finger into an ‘Up Yours’ and sent to it Rufus Hound for being an absolute prick.

Fuck you, Rufus Hound.

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How To Appear More Intelligent When You’re Thick As Two Short Planks

Intelligence is a valuable commodity in today’s world; not only are the world’s resources running out and there is limited space on the lifeboat, but appearing intelligent means you get away with all sorts of crap. Just look at Jeremy Clarkson- if he wasn’t awarded a badge of intellectual superiority by the viewing public of Men & Motors, someone would have shot him a long time ago.

The great news is, you don’t actually have to be intelligent to appear so. It is merely an illusion, just like appearance, and if the prostitute formerly known as Katie Price can plaster on enough make-up to be mistaken for a sexually abused ’80s mannequin and be applauded for it, then why shouldn’t we pad out our intelligence in the same way?

But of course you don’t want to learn or self-improve in any way that may add value to your life. As always, I’m on hand to help you fake it ’til you make it, with handy tips to allude intelligence while still remaining as dumb as a box of rocks that had fallen on their heads as baby rocks. Yes.

Figure out how to use your and you’re

As social media is a prevalent source of communication, the way we write helps to build an overview of our intelligence. Therefore, if you’re the type of person who writes in TXT MSG SPK even though your word count is uncapped, you just look like a buffoon. If you are normal, then my only advice is: learn to use ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. The grammar police are watching you and, seeing as people who take delight in pointing out grammar mistakes are generally imbecilic and petty, they will take you down.

If you are unclear on their meanings, ‘your’, is as in ‘Mr and Mrs Jones, I have some bad news- your daughter is dead. I’m sorry to be the one who has to tell you, but she was addicted to heroin and kept it from you because of your heart condition. She has been using since your son committed suicide after he was found guilty of embezzling your life savings, and she could not cope with your lack of communication towards her any longer. She took your car and drove it off the cliff at the end of your road. Police arrived too late on the scene after your neighbour alerted us. All we have found from the debris so far is a solitary note, saying, ‘I killed myself because your so disappointed in me,’ which is obviously a misuse of the word ‘your’, but let’s not split hairs over it’.

You’re’ is as in, ‘You’re the reason I never made anything of my life, and one day, when you’re not expecting it, I’m going to put rat poison in your soup and bury your body parts all over the house’. Learn how to use these two grammar sneaks and you’ll be the toast of Twitter.

Start wearing glasses

Humans respond to visual clues when perceiving others in a certain way, so wearing glasses will help you appear smarter. You can also let them slide down your nose discreetly, and when making a point, push them back up to make others think, ‘Ooooh, that geek means business’. Glasses are expensive so you could probably get them free on the NHS if you threw some acid into your eyes, but then you’ll be bound for life to be ridiculed in the street for being a specky four-eyes. Therefore, you might be best making a circle with your thumb and forefinger, and rimming your eyes with your hands. Et voila, clever on the cheap.

Read more

Reading more is a great way to acquire more knowledge. But you don’t want to spend your precious time reading words like a big norman- you want to give the illusion of reading without having to be bothered actually doing it. Therefore, drilling peepholes in all of your books so you can still watch Jeremy Kyle USA while pretending to read, or reading encyclopaedias that are big enough to hide your copy of Pick Me Up will give others the impression that you’re reading, when you’re still just a big imbecile. If watching Youtube clips of dogs falling into ponds is your poison, tilting the screen away from everyone in the room, and asking others, ‘What is the BBC News website address?’, while actually typing in ‘Funny dog clips’ to Google will have everyone fooled. Remember, not all internet sources are accurate. Except this blog- it’s all fucking true here.

Don’t forget your street smarts

As many aggressive drug-addicts will tell you, having ‘street smarts’ is just as important as being ‘book smart’ in the world of intellect. Being street smart includes, but is not limited to, being irrationally suspicious of people at all times, being hardened against tales of woe from all societal groups in need and just being a general cruel bastard in everyday life. Street smarts are great because they’re a win/win: either other people with street smarts think you’re smart and give you respect, or the rest of us are too scared to point out that ‘street smarts’ are just a defence mechanism from years of mistreatment and not enough love from your parents, for fear that you will absolutely destroy us by prising our eyes out of their sockets with your cold, dead hands.

So there you have it- four tips designed to make you appear more intelligent while also preserving a life of blissful ignorance. I disgust me.

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Samantha Brick: Not Deluded At All

Sitting alone in a branch of KFC, I was getting stuck into a Zinger Tower meal when a homeless bum came up to me and asked me for a kiss. I stared at his toothless mouth in pity and declined, after which his said, ‘Fuck you, you slag’ and walked off. Many people would be flattered by such an exchange, but not me- I’m used to men giving me attention because I’m just so darn gorgeous.

It seems that the fucking thicko right wing Daily Mail reading population entire world has been left reeling after Samantha Brick spoke out about the affliction of beauty here, citing her looks as the reason she has been victimised, ostracised and outcasted by female colleagues, ‘friends’ and acquaintances. Her article paints a picture of an exceptionally beautiful woman (until you scroll down to the pictures, and she’s actually an average-looking woman with a superiority complex, but then again, I’m probably just bitterly envious) whose looks are the reason she has faced hardship in her personal and professional life, provoking jealousy with less asthetically pleasing females. Look at how beautiful she is:

Yeah, so, she just must take a bad picture or something. Or else, if you are female, your eyes disallow you from seeing how gorgeous she is. She’s definately not totally fuckwitted.

However, I am inclined to agree with Samantha; I have had a similar experience myself. I, too, overestimate my beauty- deluding myself that men fall at my feet and women hate me because they are threatened, when in reality, it is because I am up my own arse and a general nasty bitch.

Samantha’s article cites a myriad of experiences in which men have thanked her for being so beautiful by paying her way. She is not a prostitute. At all. I can verify that yes, men do this. She is not detached from reality and did not create this in her crazy little mind.

Sometimes I ask strangers for a cigarette, and they just hand me one. Probably because my nicotine-stained smile makes their day. Once, on a Ryanair flight to Leeds Bradford, an air steward gave me a packet of salt and vinegar Frisps for free, just because they were ”going off”. If that isn’t code for ‘I love you’, I don’t know what is. And on top of that, sometimes I check my bank account to find that someone has deposited money into my account on a weekly basis, probably to thank me for living. Ok, so, it’s my wages, but the person who authorises the transaction has a 50% chance of being male. Men just shower me with money!

But unfortunately, it’s not all gravy. Women fucking loathe me, probably because they can’t handle how stunning I am, in addition to having a winning personality and not being at all deluded. Definately not because I’m an elitest bitch. Only a few weeks ago, my neighbour walked past me without even so much as a ‘hello’. I consulted a mutual friend who suggest that her reaction may have been spurred on by the fact that I set her dog on fire and slept with her husband, but I think it’s that she’s just jealous of me because I’m thinner than her. This is not insulting to women at all. Samantha represents women in an honest light, and doesn’t give men one more reason to think women are nothing more than a pack of shallow, scrapping shrews. She is also good looking enough to justify writing such an article. Yes.

Now Samantha can’t wait to get old, as ageing will dilute her beauty and allow her to make friends and live ‘normally‘. She must be getting a fucking personality transplant too, then.

Beauty is such a curse.

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Being a Himbo- Tips for the Modern Man

In an attempt to abolish the idea that this website is written exclusively for women who need to be put in their place, by women who need to be put in their place, I think it’s time to address the male readers of this blog and give them a few tips to enrich their lives. So, thank you for reading, boys, and this blog goes out to the three of you.

Let me start by clarifying that I never meant to alienate you with the pretty pink backdrop you are currently staring at.  This is a frequent misconception about my blog, and it would like me to point out that it isn’t pink, it’s merely blushing at how paltry and forced the jokes are.

Anyway, the Feminist Rights Movement called for the abolition of gender inequality, in the hope that, one day, men and women would be viewed as equal on all platforms. One would expect that this movement would propel the human race to disregard the objectification of women, and allow women the freedom to think and be heard, to be educated and to have the right to the same opportunities as men. In short, to remove the idea from society that women are just mothers, housewives and sexual playthings.

That’s the ideal. Many women still choose to tart themselves up, hoist up the cleave and call it ‘entrepreneurial’. ‘Beauty is power!’ they cry to shitty tabloid papers, whilst having little else to say because being smart isn’t attractive, and that elaborating means they have to use their words. Nonetheless, the Feminist Rights Movement and evolution itself has facilitated a change in attitude that promotes equality among the two sexes- but, while many women have enjoyed this progression, many men are choosing to devolve to nothing more than posing, pretty boys. Welcome to the age of the Himbo.

From Geordie Shore to, well, Jersey Shore, Himbos are out en masse, and if you don’t like it, well- you were a slag anyway. Next! At least that’s what they’d say. Himbos are very visual and like to keep women ‘on their game’ by telling them how ugly, fat and interchangeable they are. This is the first rule of being a Himbo- treat ’em mean, keep ’em lean.

Speaking of being lean- as an aspiring Himbo, disguise the fact that you are a vain motherfucker with no personality by being in great shape. This can be achieved by spending your whole day pumping iron at the gym and taking a fuckload of steroids. Don’t forget that diet of Lucozade, cigarettes, protein shakes and self-loathing! Fist pump!

Enhance your chiselled son-of-a-bitch self with a leathery, dehydrated tan and the latest fashion pour hommes. Every Himbo worth his salt knows that a pair of jeans that don’t cover your arse and are hanging low at the crotch are a fashion must, the more flourescent the better. These are extremely versatile and show off your cunty cartoon briefs that aren’t cool and make you look mentally disabled. Said jeans can be dressed up or down as required, for example, when you tire of working as a ‘model’ in Hollister and fruitlessly visit your local jobcentre, team your fuckwitted jeans with an annoying 80’s throwback t-shirt and American Apparel hoodie. You douche.

When heading for a Himbo night out the town in search of slags and chlamydia, complete your outfit with a wife-beater style top that barely covers your nipples. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to Topman and just look at the very first garment as you walk in the door- it’ll be the top I’m referring to. Choosing an appropriate top is easy- just look for something that suggests, ‘I’m sorry I raped you, but my friends and I were having a competition to see who was the best sociopath. LOL.’ Infact, Topman may have this very slogan in store. Fortunately, such slogans supply you with a much needed personality, and may make it easier to break the ice when trying to approach a lady who you’d like to date and later mentally abuse.

House of Himbo Spring/Summer 2012 Collection Bestseller

Which brings me to my next subject: companionship. Much like the outdated tradition in which a bride is ‘given away’ by her father to her new husband like a ritualistic ‘fuck you’ to feminism, Himbos are nurtured by controlling and subservient mothers whose doting is so intense, no woman will ever be enough for him. Reluctantly, the right to iron his clothes, cook for him and generally be a slave are passed on nonetheless. When you finally decide to stop drinking in the type of shitholes where your flourescent Converse stick to the carpeted dancefloor when you are trying to dance to LMFAO’s ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It’, you will need a Bimbo with whom you can settle down and kill time until death by defining yourself by the car you own. You must choose a partner who matches you in vanity, intellect and ability to fight and cheat relentlessly. It’s probably that whore over there with the face piercings. No, not the goth- the slag over there doing the Slut Drop.

Make your Bimbo feel loved and cherished by telling her how much you love her via Facebook and other public domains. Conversing face to face just means no-one can see how much better and happier you two are than the rest of us, whereas putting private and intimate information on Facebook is more attention-seeking and dick-bagged. Respect.

The love between Himbo and Bimbo is sacred and built on a long tradition of doing a poor man’s version of whatever the Beckhams are currently doing smugly and publicly. The Beckhams’ latest self-marketing ploy is to be perceived as demure and private, all the while living in L.A. and actually doing the opposite of being demure and private. Adopt this strategy by structuring your sentences as follows: ‘Not to brag, but (insert bragging bullshit that no-one gives a fuck about here)‘.  When in the company of other couples, bore everybody shitless by whittering on about your dull and unremarkable life. People love hearing about your lives because you’re so glamorous. And remember to name drop as much as possible so as to impress everybody else that you know someone rich, which makes you better by association.

And finally, whether your hobnobbing with others and getting your ‘brand‘ out there, or just chilling with your friends that you call ‘homies’ or some other outdated word- remember to talk like an absolute cunt. Make sure to overuse the words ‘Awesome’, ‘Rock’ (as a verb), ‘Super’, ‘Dude’ and ‘Epic’, it’s really original and not hilarious in a laughing-at-you way at all. Justin Bieber would be proud, dude.

Oh, and before I forget, invest in a tennis racket to bat back all of the offers from MTV to star in their new reality show, seeing as you are ideal.

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How To Earn More Money And Get Out Of Debt

We are a nation in debt. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to cut down on the things I like for the purpose of saving money, because I’m a greedy, materialistic non-entity whose ‘stuff’ defines my existence. Only joking…

Wonderful human being, Martin Lewis has long been flying the flag for Joe Public, in the fight against corporate crime, greed and the age of consumer manipulation. His goal in life is to get us all out of debt and back to a simpler time when money market instruments weren’t designed to extort money from confused individuals, stealing the livelihood of African farmers was not an ‘investment opportunity’ and when buying a house meant you weren’t paying it it off until retirement the sweet release of death. He is a great man.

But unfortunately, his tips to get us saving money and out of debt are all a bit grim. Do I really want to stop buying the same Primark top over and over again? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, because confidence can be bought! Do I really want to cut down on my grocery shopping? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, for I like eating until I vomit! Do I really want to ring the bank to reclaim the PPI they fraudulently added to my loan? No I don’t Martin Lewis, because I can’t be arsed and Geordie Shore is on!

What we need is to be enthusiastic about saving money and getting out of debt- to make the art of frugality a bit more amusing, sociable and fun.

So here are my own non-boring tips to make some extra money and get yourself out of debt:

1. Commit credit card fraud

If you can’t afford to spend on your own credit cards, applying for them fraudulently in someone’s else name not only stimulates our economy, but saves you a fortune. Step one- Open an Excel spreadsheet and title it ‘People I’m Robbing’. Step Two- Rummage through the same bins for months, gathering important and private information about the owner. Step Three- Once enough information has been gathered, apply online like the cowardly thief you are for all sorts of finance. Step Four- Go on a spending spree with your stolen money. Step Five- Get caught. Step Six- Get a friend to cement your arse-crack for your stint in prison.

2. Fake your own death

And say goodbye to debt repayments forever. In addition to being a hilarious prank to play on loved ones, faking your own death cuts down a lot of other everyday expenses too- such as phone bills (because you’ll be dead) and rent (because you’ll be dead). Prior to faking your own death, pick a hereditary illness to later die of, so that your siblings will be shitting themselves and lying awake at night, waiting for the grim reaper- titter! Entertain yourself at your funeral by rolling out of the coffin when someone accidentally gets too close in grief, making your family hoist your lifeless body back in whilst weeping with horror. Then use your coffin as a raft to sail the whole way to Panama. Hello, new life in the sun!

3. Steal from friends and family

If you choose not to fake your own death as you’d miss your loved ones too much, then why not steal from them instead? Stealing from friends and family is an easy and effective way to up your income, mostly because they trust you enough to let you into their homes where you can spend all day deciding what to pawn to Cash Converters in exchange for material items that are more important than your relationships. Heads up: sentimental value means nothing in Cash Converters, so if you’re going to say, steal your Grandmother’s locket, remember to throw out the picture of her with her beloved deceased dog, Tricksy, first.

4. Start playing slot machines

Gambling via slot machines, is a low-risk, high-return way to nurse your pockets back to financial health. And you don’t even need any money to get started. Simply enter any depressing pub, and take your start-up capital right out of the charity box. The children of Africa don’t mind- you need it more than them. Then spend every waking hour of the rest of your life playing Poker with a teletext-style computer. Insider secret: ploughing your meagre winnings back into the machine is a brilliant idea as this maximises your chances of winning even more money. You’ll be rich on your next go, I can feel it.

5. Sell a baby

Self explanatory really. Sell a baby.

6. Become clinically depressed

Being depressed to the extent you cannot get out of bed in the morning is an excellent way to avoid the shops and save some cash. In addition, because you aren’t paying money off your mountain of bills, you’ll be too depressed to answer the door to the balliffs who have come round to kick your fuck in and take your plasma screen. Bingo!

7. Blackmail someone

Besides being an excellent money-maker, blackmail has endless benefits- it helps to develop your interpersonal skills, you can hone your arts and crafts skills by making ransom notes, and you might even make a few friends in the process! Simply stalk someone until you uncover a dirty secret, and then threaten to tout on them. Remember, the art of blackmail is like dancing, you move and your partner reacts for as long as you choose to keep it up. Blackmail- like Zumba, but for cunts.

8. Participate in clinical trials

Clinical trials have long been an effective way for the emotionally damaged to earn some extra money, but us ‘normals’ have never really subscribed because we prefer to have all of our fingers intact, rather than obtain the money to buy a big bag of crack. But, in all honesty, do we really need all those fingers? I, for one, would be glad to cut down the time I take to manicure my nails.

9. Create your own spam e-mail

May I suggest, ‘Greeting frend. I am writing not for donation, but seeking companionship in time difficult to me. You see, my father, Prince Henrik the Second of Pretchovakia, is ill and soon to die. I am heir to throne and estate- you see, I need not the donation and am how your people say ‘heavy of pocket’. I seek lady frendship to talk and have the elbow to cry on. In my country, men talk not of feeling but I am twentyeth century male for new millenium and wish to meet lady to walk long on beach, listen to the Michael Buble and govern nation like Princess. I even pay air travel costs. All I ask is pleasure of getting to know you, such as name, first line of address, postcode, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, bank account number, sort code and characters 1 and 5 of your secret answer. Please enclose these details as reply so we can get to know each other. Many hug and more, Steve Henrik the Third’.

Obviously, you can write whatever you want, just made sure you ask the recipient for their private information in a conspicuous and savvy way, as above.

10. Prostitution

Prostitution is an excellent second job. Not only is it a tax-efficient way to make some extra cash, but you can also save on petrol by getting your ‘John’ to drop you off at your next destination, be it your pimp’s hovel, neighbourhood meth clinic or local shop that sells feather boas, ripped tights and other prostitute attire.

So there you have it, folks- ten ways in which you can finally get yourself out of debt and back to the good life. Anyways, I have to cut this one short, the internet is really expensive in Panama and my pimp keeps tapping his watch.

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