Category Archives: racism

Ten Things You Never Knew About… Cheryl Cole

Darling and alumni of talent shows that have a clear misunderstanding of the word ‘talent’, Cheryl Cole, is a modern-day rags to riches story. For those of you who are unfamiliar with stars that adorn the front pages of every tabloid that aspires to climb up the paper social-ladder and one day achieve toilet roll status, Cheryl Cole (then Tweedy) won a place in Girls Aloud after appearing on Popstars: The Rivals, and has risen to superstardom with her own glittering solo career. Here’s ten things you never knew about Cheryl, pop princess of our time.

1. Cheryl hails from Newcastle Upon Tyne and is very proud of her Geordie roots. However, she has never met Jimmy Nail and will bite you if you mention him to her.

2. Cheryl’s debut performance on television involved her singing a rendition of ‘Have You Ever’ by S Club 7, a song she holds close to her heart. ‘It’s poetry in it’s truest form, alreet?’ snarls the star, menacingly. This is well-known to be a touchy subject for the singer, as she would have preferred to sing 19 by Paul Hardcastle but was prohibited to use the song by Popstars: The Rivals producers, citing that the majority of viewers are ‘practically Nazis’.

3. Back in 2003, a young Cheryl nearly lost everything by being involved in an alleged racial attack, a detail that she vehemently denies. ‘I’m no racist, man. I don’t reserve hatred for different races or colours, I fuckin’ hate everyone. I hate you, I hate your mam and I fuckin’ hope your dog gets knocked down. I’d punch you in that nightclub whether you were white, black or fuckin’ stripey.’

4. As part of Girls Aloud, Cheryl released hits like ‘Sound of the Underground’ and ‘Love Machine’– controversially admitting once that she wasn’t a fan of the pop music the band churned out, preferring R&B. Today, Cheryl has pursued her love of R&B by saying that her solo music, such as latest offering ‘Call My Name’, now falls into the R&B category, even though it’s clearly still pop. Each to their own.

5. Cheryl treasures family above all else and maintains a relationship with her siblings despite the fact that they make the television programme Shameless look like Keeping Up Appearances. However, leading analysts argue that Cheryl’s relationship with her gluesniffing, petty criminal family makes her look like less of a racist sumbag by comparison.

6. The same can be said for her relationship with absolutely abysmal human being, Ashley Cole. When her marriage to Ashley broke down amidst cheating rumours, Cheryl capitalised on the public sympathy and everyone forgot that she was a racist and had formerly spent her entire career span doing little other than bitching about minor celebrities to the News of the World.

7. Prior to her marriage breakdown, Cheryl was keen to distance herself from being perceived as a typical ‘Footballer’s Wife’. However, she neglected to realised that she was married to a footballer, and that her job largely involved appearing on Ant and Dec’s various zany Saturday night TV offerings in a Von Dutch trucker hat and a pair of hotpants, inaccurately miming the words to ‘No Good Advice’– making her Queen of the Footballers’ Wives. Colleen McLoughlin seethes.

8. Cheryl says that her marriage breakdown left her unable to trust people, admitting that her dogs and mother, Joan Callaghan, are her best friends. The representatives acting on behalf of Cheryl’s dogs and Joan Callaghan deny this.

9. After meeting during the filming for The Passions of Girls Aloud, Cheryl and Black Eyed Peas frontman, Will.I.Am have become good friends. It has been widely reported that the two have had a tryst in the past, but this is unlikely given Cheryl’s racist tendencies.

10. While Cheryl is currently embarking on a solo career of miming along to generic pop songs and dancing like a transvestite puppet going to a pyjama party, there are plans for Girls Aloud to regroup at the end of 2012 for one last tour. While nothing has been confirmed yet, the tour theme is rumoured to be ‘Tacky Hen Night’. ‘I don’t want to give anything away’, says Cheryl, ‘but if you think people suffering from dwarfism are funny, and you love to see them dressed up as Hobbits and Smurfs, then get your ticket in now!‘ A logistics representative for Poundland said that child sweatshop workers are currently toiling day and night to meet future demand for ‘penis straws and other tat’.

You go, girl! Join us soon for another edition of Ten Things You Never Knew…, when we’ll be making up uncovering the truth behind another mediocre glamorous celebrity!

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8 Simple Rules For Building Your Confidence

Confidence is a valuable asset to aid progression in professional, social and personal scenarios. It enables a person to effectively have their opinion heard and respected, without offense or defence, while eliminating the elements of second-guessing or misinterpretation of passivity, or the potential to be hurt or bewildered by aggression.

I, like most, wasn’t born with the ability to be confident and assertive; in earlier life, I tended to lean toward passive behaviour, passive aggressive when pushed, and find it difficult to deal with my aggressive counterparts. But with a little training and practice, we can all obtain the confidence that we need to get through this miserable existence until death.

Following the tips below will help you on your path to higher confidence and an increased ability to be assertive, helping you to lead a happier, more productive life.

 

Know Your Rights

Having an over-inflated sense of self affords you an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement. If anyone gets more than you, argue pettily and bitterly until you are remunerated, even if you had no desire to obtain what the other person got. In order to get yourself adequately riled, read The Sun or equivalent tabloid for morons, and allow yourself to be tricked into believing the sensationalised stories about benefit fraud and immigration. Wonder how the abuse of such systems will affect you, and start a fucking riot with other vandals and wankers. Make sure you start all your sentences with ‘I’m not racist but (insert racism here)’. That means it’s not racist or offensive.

Work On Your Appearance

Appearing confident begins with looking confident. Force yourself to watch a whole episode of Gok Wan’s ‘Dress Your Bangers and On-Trend Self Thin With Spanx and Stupid Blazers, Girlfriend’ or whatever- try not to kill yourself during this process. Feebily head to Marks and Spencers to buy the outfit that Gok told you to buy because the media said so. Wear outfit even though it looks ridiculous and put the thought that dressing to impress is fucking futile, you’ve either got it or you haven’t, to the back of your head. And walk out that door with a new found confidence to give the world the finger.

 

Be Calm

Confidence is relayed from those who appear calm and controlled, no matter how daunting the situation is. Emulate calmness by constantly doing an impression of the telephone woman who says ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised’– she sounds like she has her shit together. Now you’ve got the right voice, get a demeanor to match by taking a fuckload of sleeping tablets washed down with copious amounts of energy stimulant to keep you awake, but zombie-like. Hey presto, cool as a cucumber!

 

Know Yourself

Get to know ‘You’– what are your hopes and dreams? Likes and dislikes? Abilities? Knowing yourself will help you to speak up and relay yourself to others. However, there are so many people in the world nowadays that you are probably very similar to someone else, and thus, save yourself some time and just pick someone to copy. If you are female, you’ll probably want to be Kim Kardashian, so just slather yourself in bullshit, mis-use the word ‘literally’ (e.g. I was literally just abducted by aliens, literally literally literally) and complain at length about your lack of privacy while selling your life to the highest bidder. If you are male, you are less fortunate as you only have Justin Bieber, Jeremy Clarkson or James Cordon to choose from. And with death not being an option, shit one.

 

Speak Your Mind

Speaking your mind is a great way to justify being a total bastard to someone, because you can always just blame the fact that you’re ‘keeping it real’, when in fact, it is much kinder to live and let live. Therefore, making yourself feel better by pointing out someone else’s excessive armpit fat or muffin top also makes you a better person, your friend’s divorce was inevitable because she is a failure and your lack of enthusiasm for someone else’s dreams is just a way of protecting them against making a shambles out of their life because they’re too stupid to succeed. Definately. Hashtag just sayin’.

 

Learn To Say ‘No’

The art of saying ‘no‘ is difficult to master, but is ultimately advantageous in allowing you to say ‘yes’ to the things you really want to do, or have time for. The trick is to become really unapproachable and cagey, so that no-one ever wants to ask you anything or even go near you, for fear of you biting their head off. In addition to making a mountain out of a molehill when anyone requests five minutes of your time, remind them that they’ve troubled you by sighing loudly throughout, rolling your eyes and updating your Facebook status to ‘Hate when dickheads can’t take the hint’. When confronted, say ‘I’m sorry…. that you’re so sensitive.’ It’s their fault for being them.

 

Stop Thinking The Grass Is Always Greener

Overvaluing the lives and experiences of others’ is a surefire way to lower your own self-esteem, adversely affecting your confidence. Train your mind to see that the grass isn’t always greener by belittling the achievements of others’, preferably on a public domain where your opinion may influence others. If you are unsure of where to begin, consult any magazine geared towards women, and see how they dissect the lives of celebrities by circling atom-size celulite patches and pointing out coldsores. Then put this into practice in the real world. If someone is richer than you, start a rumour that their house has a weird smelly-house smell. If someone has a better job, point out to them that they possess this at the expense of family time by getting their toddlers hooked on crack. And if anyone dares to outshine you in the looks department, sell your story to the Daily Mail that they are a jealous whore, and when you provoke a public outcry, sell another story to the Daily Mail entitled, ‘See? See?!? I Fucking Told You I Was Better. By Samantha Brick’.

 

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Acquiring confidence and the ability to be assertive takes time and constant effort. So, if you are only beginning to put the above legimate and totally serious tips into practice, chances are that you still don’t feel totally confident. Therefore, pretending you’re confident will help to alleviate feelings of doubt and insecurity. This can be achieved by saying things like ‘swag’, even though no-one really knows what the fuck is happening. If you’re female, you might want to suffix your sentences with ‘snappy fingers’ for extra pizazz and to distract people from the fact that you’ve spent all afternoon crying about your life. Men can achieve this by getting a derogatory statement about women shaved into the back of their head, for example ‘Bitches’ or ‘Hoes’.

And knock ’em dead, dolls! Literally.

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Calling All Racists…

Since the dawn of Monopoly, mankind secretly seethed when they were the recipient of a Community Chest card that informed them of coming second in a beauty contest. I mean, who the fuck came first? I actually hate them even though I know they are ficticious.

Only joking. But there is no denying that there has been a bastard undercurrent running discreetly through the human race that suggests that we, as human beings, must compete. Yet, what the fuck do you even win by competing? In this sort of competition, your competitors will never congratulate you, never acknowledge your successes and never let you think you’ve won. Yes, a little competition never hurt anyone, but I’m talking about the type of full on hatred received from others who just hate you for even showing up to the race.

Throughout my life, others have been better than me. It’s a fact. It’s probably the driver behind my future successes but, for now, it’s occasionally disheartening and disappointing, but that’s life. The compulsion to sabotage others to make yourself feel better- now, that’s abnormal.

Yes, I’m talking about racism. Having been raised in a liberal household, I’m disgusted by some of the justifications for racism that I hear, such as ‘They are stealing our jobs’ or ‘Everyone’s entitled to an opinion’. Bitch, please. I’m sure had that small child hadn’t migrated you’d love to be standing in the middle of the road selling the Telegraph. Moron. My favourite restaurant, in my hometown of Belfast, is a little cafe called Byblos, run by the nicest and friendliest men with whom I’ve spent many an afternoon (incidentally, if you decide to go after reading this, I would really recommend the lamb). On a recent visit, my family and I remarked on how much better Brunswick Street is with the addition of this Lebanese gem. In addition to the creation of jobs and the generation of much needed income, tax and foot traffic, Byblos and the colourful rainbow of new businesses to have recently settled have paved the way for a better, more diverse Belfast, instead of an area of which, a Thai man once asked me, ‘Is that the place with the bombs?‘. If anyone disagrees that these new enterprises are anything more than fucking excellent and advantageous to our community, go to Boojum and have a burrito. See, I told you so.

And yes, everyone is entitled to an opinion- but more so we are entitled to a right to live, so please let us.

I’m not saying that racism is entirely based on a compulsion to see others fail, but I do believe that this compulsion and general hatred is a by-product of miseducation and uneducation, and erroneously perceiving another’s presence as a threat to your own abilities or opportunities.

I’d like to challenge this perception by pointing out that the only person who is truly a threat to you is YOU- you are the only one allowing your potential to be capped, you are the only one stopping you from going after what you want and you are your solution to the problems you’ve created (the problems that you think can only be rectified if others are suffering, you silly bastard).

And it isn’t just racism. The fear-based perception that ‘difference’ equals ‘threat’ is breeding in many forms- homophobia, gender discrimination, religious discrimination- the list is endless. And then there are the ones who just hate you for no reason other than that you’re putting yourself out there and going after what you want. I have never encountered a person who was similtaneously truly happy in their own life while unhappy for others. Just happy or unhappy. It’s up to you which one you are.

Accept that the achievements of others have no bearing on you or your performance. Accept that other peoples’ misery will not sustain your happiness for long- you will return to being miserable. Accept that the only person with any scope to change this is yourself.

Accept that change will happen in our lifetime- with or without you.

And just stop.

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