Category Archives: recession

How To Fix The Economy

With the 2013 Budget looming, we are all shitting bricks as we sit tight and wait to hear whether we should throw out that tin of old artichokes that expired in July 2007, or hold on to it incase we’re so poor come Christmas that’ll it’ll be taking the place of a turkey.

Since he became Chancellor in 2010, George Osbourne promised a rebalancing of investments and exports, to aim to somewhat rectify the UK’s record peacetime budget deficit, to retain the UK’s AAA status and deliver a robust economy. Has he achieve any of this? Has he fuck.

Swoon.

Swoon.

So here’s my own suggestions of stuff to stick into the budget. If I get enough positive feedback, I’m going to send George Osbourne a copy of the following, along with a slightly late, or incredibly early, Valentine’s Day card.

Cunt Tax

Like ordinary tax, but in direct proportion to how much of a cunt you are perceived to be nationwide. The best bit about Cunt Tax is that most rich people are cunts anyway and can easily afford it, and for the poor cunts who can’t afford it, they’ll have to work it off in community service and you won’t even feel sorry for them because they’re such a cunt.

Negative Tombola

Misfortunate enough to have ever went to a second-hand charity sale in a church hall? Me too, and they always have a fucking Tombola stand. With the game needing modernising anyway, why don’t they change the rules so that after purchasing a ticket, winners have to pay more money as their prize, and then all the copper proceeds go towards fixing the economy. Which probably really just goes towards paying for things like duck ponds and posh limos to Debenhams for MPs.

Prayer

Only joking. Next!

Nationwide Raffle

It shouldn’t be up to the average man to save the economy, considering it was wrecked by a bunch of rich fuckwits who all ended up with plenty of money. But it probably will be. So with that in mind, why don’t we just have one big massive raffle? Tickets should cost a pound, and if we all buy at least one, with gambling addicts making up the rest, that would probably give us a fair bit to work with. The winner gets to personally boot the royal family out of Buckingham Palace and live there themselves.

Hahaha! It's funny because it's taking our economic state out of context and putting it in the context of road signs, and it works! Hahahahaha etc.

Hahaha! It’s funny because it’s taking our economic state out of context and putting it in the context of road signs, and it works! Hahahahaha etc.

Invent A New Currency

We don’t have any money, but what if there was another type of currency that we could all use to operate the economy? Then we could just start from scratch again. And if we pick something like rice, it would give poor people a turn to be rich, seeing as it’s only fair that everyone gets a go. Better yet, we could set the worth of rice to be like, a billion quid per kilo, and then it would only take a couple of bags of Tesco own brand to pay off the national debt.

Ignore The Deficit

The economic state is a fairly serious thing, but in all seriousness, has anyone actually saw the deficit? Has anyone actually saw money changing hands? Because I haven’t. It’s not like there’s a guy waiting on his money and he’s about to send the bailiffs round to smack you in face and steal your car. So why don’t we all just ignore it and it’ll probably just fuck off and leave us alone? If the guy wants his money back, we can just be all like, ‘What money? We don’t know what you’re talking about’.

And there you have it- my foolproof tips for fixing the economy. Let’s see if any of them feature in the Budget 2013. George Osbourne- if you’re reading this, you can use any or all of these ideas, but only if you accept my ‘In a relationship’ request on Facebook.

Tagged , , , , ,

How To Cope With The Recession: Part II

A while ago, I compiled a list of bulletproof ways to cope with the recession (here), and due to the unprecedented demand for a follow-up (someone told me the first part was so-so. Ish.), here’s Part II: How To Cope With The Recession.

Beg

If I had a penny for every time I walked past a homeless person in any given city centre, just to be warned by a friend that said homeless person was spotted earlier preparing for a day of street begging by removing their Rolex watch, leaving it in the bejewelled glove-compartment of their customised Bentley convertible, donning rags and sitting on a street corner saying, ‘Big Issue, please’, I’d be richer than this entire epidemic of millionaires who enjoy street-begging as some sort of quirky and inexplicable hobby combined. So there you have it folks, go out and get yourself a head scarf and trenchcoat to start your double life as a beggar/assumed millionaire.

Cut Your Grocery Bill in Half

While many people complain about the rising cost of food, there are a number of excellent ways to cut down on’t ‘Big Shop’, such as identifying the person who reduces the supermarkets’s out-of-date food and following them around, much like a stalker, which you can justify to yourself as being ‘thrifty’ and certainly not a danger to yourself or others. Yes, if you weren’t within the premises of Tesco, that person would be applying for a restraining order with your name on it, but if it helps you sleep at night, then asking them for a list of their shifts for the week is merely ‘making conversation with an acquaintance’. If you have morals and thus feel uncomfortable stalking someone, you can alternatively slash the price of your groceries by standing by the free samples in-store and taking umpteen cocktail sticks while saying, ‘I haven’t made up my mind yet’ to the disillusioned salesperson.

You can also employ this tactic while getting ready for a fancy night out by going into Superdrug and using the free make-up testers. Remember to get that lipstick all over your teeth or else you won’t be able to ingest the remnants of oral herpes left on the tester by the last non-paying patron.

Ask For A Payrise

Money saving goldenboy, Martin Lewis, is a pioneer of making the public’s money go further, and his first rule of thumb is to know your worth and ask your boss for a payrise if your pay is below industry norms. Even during today’s economic meltdown, asking your boss for a payrise is likely to result in a windfall as they will inevitably tell you to go fuck yourself, sack you and employ someone to do the job for half your wages. Hey presto, £70 per week you never had before claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance!

Become A Kardashian

No skills required. It doesn’t matter if you are an arsy dickhead with little to contribute to society other than the ability to make every statement you say sound like a question and occasionally bust into tears on camera, saying, ‘I mean, people think I’m all about money and material goods but they’re wrong!’ whilst similtanaeously being all about money and material goods- you’ll fit right in.

Play Online Bingo

Not only does the glamorous world of online Bingo open up a new realm of possibilities for cash prizes, new cars and holidays, you can make new friends with the  losers other Bingo players in the corresponding chatrooms, bonding over discussions of how Dazza6969 should tell his girlfriend that he took out a credit card in her name to play online Poker or watching a love story unfold between CouncilEstateBabe1 and SwanseaHotGuy4U as they start having the type of online affair that would make Kerry Katona herself say, ‘That’s a bit low-rent’. Plus, think of the money you’ll save by not getting out of bed for days while you developing manic depression. Quids in!

Kerching.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Coping With The Recession- How To Make More Money

As I mentioned many times previously, I’m poor as fuck. Being poor is a nightmare- all of your stuff is old and shit, and when people invite you places, you have to say, ‘I can’t because I’m poor’. This is usually a conversation killer.

However, everyone appears to be in the same boat at the minute because of the bastard economy. My computer knows I’m poor (probably because I type things like, ‘Aldi Online Shopping’ and ‘How To Make A Washing Machine Out Of Old Bric-A-Brac’ into Google) and keeps giving me advertised suggestions that are relevant to my situation. The other day, up flashed an advertisement saying, ‘This man made $15million from the recession! Find out what he’s investing in next at www.capitalistwankers.com! with a picture of his smug bastard face beside it. I wouldn’t like to know what he is investing in next because I have morals, but I would like to know his home address so that I can visit him, bash his testicles in with a baseball bat, hold him down while the entire population of African farmers shit on his face, and then take back our money, livelihood and future. Dickhead.

But my advice is to always be positive. And this means trying to find ways to cope with the recession. This subject is likely to be continued with follow-up posts as I have infinite ways to be thrifty and save cash, having spent £23,000 on travelling during the last 3 years while juggling the act of not having a pot to piss in. But here’s a few to keep you going for now:

Become an Entrepreneur

Even though the recession was in full swing in 2011, the amount of new businesses grew 10% from the previous year. Join these entrepreneurs by becoming your own boss, too. Not sure what to do? It’s easy- identify your talents and sell your skills. For example, if you have lots of children, force them to form a band and start shopping them around as the next Jackson 5. Always making up shit racist/sexist jokes and texting them to your mates while also having the ability to grow quirky facial hair? Become Rufus Hound. Gymnastic experience? Become a burglar in banks from films that have lasers to protect their displays. Someone once told you that your Facebook posts were moderately humorous? Start a blog where you write tidbits of gossip and instructional articles about things you know nothing about, under an arsy name that doesn’t even make sense.

Reclaim

If you ever had a loan or credit card, you may have been missold PPI (Payment Protection Insurance), and you could be entitled to reclaim that money. However, don’t bother printing out a simple letter template (here) and sending it off for the cost of a stamp. Instead, ring 0800WeScrewYou or 0845CallousBastards, or log on to www.PreyingOnOldPeople.com to give them half of your money just for sending that same letter themselves. The best bit is, the cunts charge you in advance to claim, which means you’ll be able to pay back most of the unauthorised overdraft charges they caused with your cut of your reclaimed funds.

Stop Paying Your Tax

Refuse to pay income tax. If HMRC get in touch, promptly point out that Vodafone, Amazon and Arcadia don’t pay their tax so you won’t either. I’m sure that will work out great.

Steal

Stealing stuff is arguably the easiest way to obtain things without having to pay for them, and chances are, if you work for a huge multi-national, you’re stealing from people every day anyway. To ease your guilty conscience, tell yourself that you’re a modern day Robin Hood or one of the youths involved in the London Riots of 2011 who is just frustrated by your stolen future, innit. Then head straight down to the Apple shop and steal a fucking great big Mac for yourself because stuff equals happiness.

Hook

Hooking, known as the world’s oldest profession, has always been an easy way to earn some cash but having a pimp is costly and soon, that greasy £20 note that your John has wiped his nose on will be eaten up by admin fees. Therefore, be your own pimp by getting yourself hooked on drugs, smacking yourself upside the head and shouting ‘Pipe down, bitch!’ and rocking a green snakeskin suit every time you be up in the club, homes. Hey presto- no pimp fees and more money for heroin and crack.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to hook in the traditional sense because the touch of a dirty old man makes you want to cut your skin off, then cut out the middleman (literally) by sawing off one of your hands, sticking a large hook on the end of your bleeding nub, dress up like a pirate and walk around Asda shouting, ‘Arrrr, matey!‘ at little children until a store representative pays you to stay the fuck away. Kerching.

Well, that’s all for today folks, I hope I’ve given you a few ways to save some cash and cope during the recession. I’m off to the hospital to get my nub treated for gangrene. And incase your wondering, I didn’t hook. I sawed my hand off off, fashioned the middle finger into an ‘Up Yours’ and sent to it Rufus Hound for being an absolute prick.

Fuck you, Rufus Hound.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,