Category Archives: relationship tips

How To Mend A Broken Heart

Break ups are rough. Not only must you deal with the mental anguish of having fought with your partner for months, but you also need to get used to living life without the person that you once loved, or even still love. But how do you break up without having a breakdown, and how can you move on with life when life has moved on? Insert other cliches about ending a relationship here.

Here are five steps to mend that broken heart:

Throw Out Their Shit

Throwing out the shit that belonged to your bastard ex is a very therapeutic way to mark the end of your relationship. Once you round up all of their valuable, important belongings (old family photos, birth certificates etc.), place them into a box and take these items to their place of residence to see which of these items they would like to keep. Seperate their items into a ‘Keep’ pile and a ‘Throw Away’ pile. Once completed, say, ‘You’re never getting these back, motherfucker!’, douse the ‘Keep’ pile in a flammable liquid and set alight while laughing like a maniac. Then start kicking the ‘Throw Away’ pile around the room while singing ‘I Saw The Sign’ by Ace of Base with the crazed eyes of a lion chasing a baby deer. Once you’ve adequately pissed on their chips, exit gracefully.

Talk It Out

Talking about your ex allows you to voice your emotions, externalise your grief and, ultimately, move on. My advice is to talk to anyone who will listen, so call up your local radio station under the guise of taking part in a listener quiz and then, when on air, shout, ‘(Ex’s name) is a wankbag and a dog murderer!‘. Similarly, you can also talk it out with your ex’s work colleagues, by ringing their work line extensions and making them aware that your ex is a cunt. The same effect can be achieved online, by creating a chat account on a teen chatroom with your ex’s picture and home address, plus the username ‘Chuckles the Paedophile’. Finally, if you’ve done all of the above and still feel a bit sour about the break-up, be an adult and talk directly to your ex by turning up in their front garden and shouting ‘I hope you die!’ until their neighbours ring the police.

Go On Dates

While it isn’t advisable to get into anything serious when you’ve just ended a long-term relationship, it is a good idea to get out there and start meeting new people. Aren’t sure where to begin? Try befriending you ex’s friends and see if one of them wants to disregard the Bro/Girl Code long enough for you to use them to make your ex jealous and hurt. If your ex’s friends are loyal and see you for the antisocial psychopath that you are- not a problem. Just find someone else to use and conduct your dates outside your ex’s house or place of work. Make sure to laugh like a fucking maniac at everything your date says, as this will tell your ex: ‘I’m over you. You bastard. Why did you leave me? I’ll kill myself if you tell me it’s over for good. Go on- call my bluff.’

Change Your Routine

After a break up, it’s easy to sit and wallow, not leaving the house for days and sitting around crying. But in reality, there is no time like the present to change your routine and start establishing new norms to help you integrate into a new, better lifestyle. And it doesn’t have to be expensive, either. For example, start going clubbing at night by dancing to ‘Fighter’ by Christina Aguilera blasting on your car radio on the street of your ex’s new home and watch while they gets the message that you are so over it. Or, if nightlife isn’t your thing, you could quit your job so you could spend your days creating fake profiles on Facebook to lure your ex into an internet romance to cry over later.

Be Happy

Ultimately, being happy is the only way to free yourself from all of the misery caused when your relationship broke down in the first place. But how does one achieve happiness after a break-up? Simple. Create a Facebook group called ‘Being Happy When You See Your Ex With Someone Uglier Than You’ with a picture of your ex and their new partner attached, then spend all day (having quit your job at this stage) administrating the page with status updates about how big your ex’s new partner’s nose is, how fat they are and how they look too bookish. Show everyone how happy you are by saying things like ‘When we faded, you downgraded. Bitch needs to go back to the pound. Fuck you’.

Hashtag winning.

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The Art of Flirting

There are many interpretations of the act of flirting; for some, it’s a harmless way to interact with someone on a friendly level, for others, it’s an easy way to get to know a potential romantic interest and make a love connection. Yes, I am aware of how creepy I sound right now.

The first thing to remember when intending to flirt is that preparation is key- you need to make sure you are flirt-ready. Have a look at yourself in the mirror and hold back negative thoughts such as, ‘you disgust me’ and ‘your life amounts to nothing’- you know, the usual. Be kind yourself. After all, you’re a four at best and no-one knows what you cry yourself to sleep about every night. Give me your best smile. No, that’s way too much, you look like a serial killer, reign it back in. Ok, good enough. Go get ’em, tiger!

When you reach your desired flirting venue, lower your expectations adequately so that you don’t humiliate yourself by aiming too high. Probably best to pick someone mousy, frumpy and nervous, as not only are these people grateful for the attention, they also make excellent partners on the receiving end of mental abuse later on in your relationship.

Before you approach your chosen victim, make sure to check your own body language to ensure you look appropriately comfortable and relaxed. Let’s face it, you’re pretty creepy, so try not to be yourself too much. If you’re a gal, hunch your shoulders to create the illusion of both a lopsided cleavage and an air of prostitution. Fellas, there is very little you can do other than to fashion all banknotes on your person into a fan and casually pretend to cool yourself down as you approach that special someone. The ladies love that.

Initiating conversation is important, as otherwise, you may be perceived as a sexual nuisance. Start by making your target’s skin crawl by throwing them a perverted chat-up line while wiggling your eyebrows. This will usually lead into a nice, awkward conversation. Don’t worry if your victim is rolling their eyes- you can make them pay in the currency of domestic violence later on in your relationship.

Remember to make eye contact throughout the conversation with your victim, as this is not at all creepy and intimidating. Don’t ever look away as this will give your victim unspoken permission to get out now while they still have the chance. It’s tough to maintain creepy eye contact but dammit, do you want to see this through or not? Moments like this are the foundation for the bridge and chorus of I Think We’re Alone Now by Tiffany, and if you ever want to waltz around your sex dungeon to this song with your chosen one, then keep staring, soldier!

While keeping up eye contact that penetrates the soul to dominate your mate into submission of a lifetime of mediocrity and broken dreams, you may want to share a few details about yourself. Go light on the stories about how you killed every one of your childhood pets, and if you must divulge such anecdotes, less of the maniacal laughter. Appropriate conversation includes how the thought of turning into your parents keeps you up at night, any weird fetishes you may or may not have (I threw in ‘or not’ as a courtesy, you big sicko) and how you’re too frightened to get that lump checked out by a medical professional lest it is not benign. Perhaps you could also start sobbing, too.

From time to time, give yourself a break from bearing your soul by asking your victim questions about themselves, so you get a better idea of what you would like to later change about them, or throw back in their face during an inevitable argument. While they are chatting, make sure to give them your full attention, which can be achieved by nodding like a crazed seal, invading their personal space and occasionally shouting ‘Preach!‘ while throwing your hands up in a racially inappropriate way.

After you have both conversed, it is likely that you, desperate for a mate, have read too much into it and their attempts to get you to go away have fallen on deaf ears. It’s time to close the deal, and make your flirting partner a long-term fixture in your life and sex dungeon. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there at the risk of rejection, as even if they say no, you can always stalk your victim down and make them pay later. A simple ‘I’d love to see you again’ and a thumbs-up will work wonders in closing the deal.

Rohypnol works too.

How To Get Over A Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are emotionally exhausting. Not only do they signify the end of a lifestyle, they also mark the beginning of a new, different way of life, of which the adaptation to is difficult and upsetting.

But breaking up doesn’t have to mean breaking down, and ‘we’re over’ doesn’t have to mean that life is over; in fact, this can be the start of a new and improved you. Yes, getting through is tough, but following my tips for getting over a break-up will aid the healthy release of emotions and the gradual formation of a stronger, happier single life.

Get by with a little help from your friends

Primarily, consider mutual friends and the effect that the break-down of your relationships will have on them, as it will prove difficult for them to decide how to proceed with maintaining seperate friendships with you and your ex-partner. To help them, spread a nasty rumour about your ex-partner and tell all of your friends that he/she had derogatory and demeaning nicknames for them (e.g. if you have a friend who has a perm, tell them your ex-partner referred to them as ‘A.C. Slater’, ‘Curly-Bop’ or ‘Paedo-Perm’). Not only will this get your friends on your side, it also manipulates them into thinking your ex-partner was a total arsehole. One nil to you.

Of course, the act of alienating your ex-partner is not an exhaustive list- they ways in which you can ruin their repuation are endless. For example, you can ring their family, place of work or even local supermarket and inform them that your ex-partner likes to set cats alight and make fun of people with disabilities.

Deal with your anger

It is quite likely that you will have some residual anger towards your ex-partner. Deal with this in a healthy way by going round to their new place of residence, breaking every single one of their windows, spraying ‘knob’ on their car, setting the contents of their bin on fire and shitting through the letterbox.

Write your feelings down

It is much better to write down your feelings rather than say things in haste to your ex-partner that you will regret later. Make your own Facebook page entitled ‘(Insert ex-partners name here) Pissed All Over My Chips and Destroyed My Dreams’, and write down all of your feelings on that. Make sure to exaggerate wildly about how horrible of a human being your ex-partner is. Heck, you might as well throw in that, during the course of your relationship, your ex-partner beat you periodically. This is healthy.

Remind yourself

So as not to get back together with your ex-partner when you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere, you may want to keep a reminder of why you two broke up in the first place. Some would suggest keeping a list of reasons on your fridge, but why not go the full hog and kidnap your ex-partner, dismember them into storable pieces and store them in your freezer? That way, not only will you have a reminder that actively discourages you from reaching for the Ben and Jerry’s when you’re feeling low, but this also solves the problem of the unsightly clutter of lists. Oh, and helps to cut down on flammable matter in your kitchen when you’re setting cats alight.

Get rid of negativity

For the most part, the pain of a break-up derives from those negative feelings that you will inevitably have towards your ex-partner, thus, getting rid of that negativity enables you to move on. Therefore, forgive your ex-partner for their part in the demise of your relationship by being kind and having empathy. Reach out to them from a friendly place, for example, you could regularly defrost the freezer compartments that you’ve stored their body parts in, so that your ex-partner is comfortable and less squashed. If you are feeling brave, you could reach out to your ex-partner by suggesting you spend some time together in the ‘friend-zone’, such as spending a day cooking with them (the torso has the most meat), or going for a long drive (store them in the boot of your car so as to not arouse suspicion). Just remember: walking in your ex-partner’s shoes will help you get rid of that negative energy. Unless you’ve got rid of their shoes, as they are evidence which can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Fully-functioning adult high five.

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Top Hints for Assuming the Lifestyle of A Sexual Deviant

My building manager is off this week. We usually partake in awkward exchanges in which we try to drag out an awkward analysis of the weather on our way past each other, which involves an awful lot of fake grinning and nodding in silence. Now I’m free to roam the premises without fear of such social niceties. In a way, I’m on my holidays too, then. Fuck, I wish I was never born.

Anyway, earlier on I was in my bedroom and realised there was an old man staring in the window at me.

Apparently, he is the person who is filling in for the building manager. But the building manager’s duties don’t include looking at people from afar for dubious reasons that I don’t want to even think about. At least, I don’t think so. Or else he doesn’t fancy me. Why isn’t he stalking me? Must try harder to get him to stalk me.

To be honest, it didn’t really bother me that much that the creepy guy was hovering about- I have nothing to hide. It’s not like I was singing into my hairbrush and making up dance routines. I only do that on Sundays.

 

But on a scale of the blonde recluse from Abba to Ashton Kutcher, how much do you value your privacy? If you don’t require a lot, perhaps you understand the merit of stalking others because it’s hilarious and you can see absolutely no violation to your stalkee’s privacy because you’re off your tits on prescription tablets and narcissicm. In a way, it’s just like Twitter. Sort of. And everyone loves a kook.

Then I realised that being a sexual deviant would actually be a right laugh. And because you’d have to go to a place in your head that lives in denial that you’re just an old, disgusting sleaze, you’d be able to block out all sorts of crap and not give a fuck. You don’t have to let others’ opinion validate you, and if anyone tries to judge you, just violate their human rights by standing outside their house and being creepy as fuck. You might even throw an envelope through their letterbox filled with your turds.

Not only is stalking a great way to obtain information about people that you can later blackmail them with, it is also a sick and twisted method of making yourself believe that you and your stalkee are romantically involved, even if the sight of you repulses them. Furthermore, if you have no life, like me, it is an effective way to make yourself feel better than most other people are sitting at home, alone, on a Friday night, watching Cougar Town and joining in when the cast shout, ‘Penny Can’. Those guys.

Start off your journey to jail by getting yourself a nice catchphrase that fits in with your stalker lifestyle. Of course, in the latter stages of stalking, simply watching from afar will not be enough and you will eventually confront your victim, pick-axe in hand. Just like Jack Nicholson’s infamous, ‘Herrrrre’s Johnny!‘, you should choose something maniacal and nonsensical, like ‘Hungry like the wolf’ or ‘Winner, winner, chicken dinner’.

Of course, creepy sexual deviant types are dedicated followers of fashion. Head to Millets to get yourself an on-trend trench coat (don’t forget one with nice deep pockets for erm… holding notebooks that you can use to compile reams of useless information on your victim. Etcetera. ) and a camoflage cap to be the belle of the bushes. This look is fuctional and fashionable, no matter how strict the dress code in Club Shrub. See what I did there? I gave shrubbery a fun name to imply that stalking is a social activity, when infact it is the sport of serial killers. Accessorise your stalker attire with a nice pair of binoculars, ideally with a night-vision function for when your stalkee goes to bed. This is a lot on your shopping list, so just remember to get yourself some clothes that cover up all of this shit:

While your victim sleeps, kill two birds with the one stone and have a good rummage in their outside bin for credit card statements and other private information for blackmailing them later on in your ‘relationship‘, which consists of you stalking them while they remain oblivious. However, to facilitate the facade that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong, you should probably lie to yourself by maintaining that you are ‘just taking an interest in your other half’, ‘brushing up on your people skills’ or even ‘helping the environment by sorting their waste in a recycling-friendly manner’. Fuck it, if anyone challenges you, accuse them of stalking you. Weirdo.

After getting to know your victim better via stalking, you can take the next step and start telling everyone that you and your stalkee are in a relationship together. Pictures that you have taken from afar can be photoshopped to include your face so that you have nice photographs for your mantelpiece. Those pictures can also be blown up into a large cardboard cut-out of your stalkee so that you can enjoy cosy nights in when you can’t be arsed donning your trench coat and going out to actually stalk the real person. Relationships make life so great that you start to really enjoy giving up your stalking time to spend time on the sofa with your other cardboard cut-out half- don’t feel bad, it’s inevitable .

But what about when that dreaded day arrives, in which your stalkee has a date with someone else? Rememeber- technically, they don’t know about their binding union that they’ve unwittingly shared with you for months on end. At this point, you could walk away with your dignity, get help for your problem and move on with your life. Or- or, you could murder both of the bastards while screaming ‘Sherie, we could have been together. You just had to love me. I didn’t want to do this!‘ It doesn’t matter if your stalkee isn’t called Sherie. Probably best to kill yourself at this point too, otherwise you’ll be serving a long stint in jail.

Although, jail could be the perfect place to start a new relationship. And without the restraints of walls, you might be able to run your hands through your stalkee’s hair while they sleep, watch them while they go the toilet and give them cigarettes in exchange for sexual favours.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

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How To Snag A Man If You Have Low Self-Esteem

Having a low opinion of oneself makes any task difficult, but trying to get someone to love you when you don’t particularly love yourself is a losing battle. However, when you find that special someone, they can show you how to accept yourself as you are, helping you to overcome those feelings of low self-esteem. And just because you’re so darn great, I’m going to give you a few tips to meet Mr Right and say goodnight to feeling shite (this was the best I could do).

Yes, that’s right ladies- just because you have low self-esteem due to hating yourself doesn’t mean you have to lose out on meeting a man, settling down and spending the rest of your motherfucking life cleaning up after him. Here’s how you can snag a man, even if you think you’re worthless and hideous.

Looking Great, Feeling Great

People who say that looks don’t matter are lying to themselves- looks are everything because people are shallow as shit. Disguise your low self-esteem, ugly face and lack of confidence by wearing make-up by the trowel. If you have a credit card, head to your nearest Mac counter and have a sales assistant with a superiority complex tell you that your face disgusts her, and how buying £300 worth of eyeshadow will make you instantly appealing. If you’re poor like me and your credit card is reserved for essentials like playing Wink Bingo online and adding to your Mork and Mindy Memorial Plate collection, go to Superdrug and see what’s on sale, and buy that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t suit your skintone; by the time you’re done beautifying yourself, you won’t know if you’re black or white.

If you are unsure of how much make-up to wear, google the word ‘Snooki‘, click on Images, and double the amount she wears.

While we are on the subject of natual beauty, it would be advisable to do something about your ridiculous hair. Delightfully, my hair is a torturous bastard and likes to fashion itself into a big ball of frizz, no matter what I do to it. I like to counteract this by frazzelling it under heated plates. This is sustainable, and my hair is not going to fall out in like, a week.

Finally, peruse the Ann Summers sale rack to find yourself a nice outfit to complete the elegant new you. You want your look to say ‘I’m a streetwalker, but not the kind that you can strangle and leave for dead after intercourse, because they’ll send a search party for me and you’ll go to jail.’ That way, potential suitors know you are a lady of class.

Being Seen At The Right Scene

Now that you’ve got the right look, you will need to start frequenting places where you are likely to find the right type of man. Any bar that is affiliated with a religious community that has a bitter history with other religious communities and lots of antsy patrons looking for a fight, or has ‘Legion’ or ‘Strip’ in the title, is usually a winner. However, if you want to steer clear of men who drink, then beat you, then promise to never do it again, then drink, then beat you, etc., then you could always go to loser gatherings for asexual beings singles mixers at your local church to find a man who is teetotal. He might still beat you, though. And cry a lot.

Of course, I’m only joking. Not all single men are secret abusers waiting to pounce; most men are decent and just want to see you happy- while cooking their dinner, washing their clothes and generally being an unpaid slave. Relationships are great, and having a connection that surpasses physical attraction and human decency, to the extent that your partner is comfortable enough to accidentally shit themselves while farting in your presence, creates a bond that no-one can tear asunder. Sharting- marriage, for the undercarriage.

The truth is, meeting a man you like happens when you least expect it, which is why you should just get on with your life and he will enter when he’s ready. That’s what she said. Creep out male collegues while assuming,deludedly, that they fancy you by laughing like a crazy person at jokes they made that weren’t even funny, stare at men stalkerishly on the bus and step over the ‘line of appropriateness’ by flirting with your friends’ partners. This is good advice.

Acting Like A Lady

In my experience, in addition to favouring women who look like whores, men love the ‘modern day gal’, keen to break the oppressive stereotypes of her 1950s counterpart. I like to attract men by showing them that I can eat a whole KFC Bargain Bucket on my own and how disgusting and sloppy I am when drunk by rolling around the floor and generally being a nuisance to our entire party, all surrounding parties and the people on their Twitter account(s), as they will be giving them a running commentary of said rolling and nuisance-being, with updates such as ‘Holy shiz, clean up on aisle four #drunkbitchesonparade’, ‘Dis drunk slut is depriving a village of an idiot. I love One Direction #burn’ and ‘Justin Bieber is my imaginary boyfriend and some insult about a woman who can’t handle her drink #genericpopculturereference’. Men definately want to date me.

However, that’s not say that men don’t appreciate a bit of femininity, too. Simple touches, like drinking your pint with a straw, not making it obvious when you are removing your knicks from your arse crack and not blowing your burps into his face to watch him contort in horror at the stench, tell your prospective partner that you are one refined bitch. Make sure you pick all remnants of onion ring out of your teeth and you are wearing suitable camel-toe covering attire. Men love that shit.

You’ve Snagged Him, What Next?

And after you’ve snagged that man, how does the modern day gal have time to keep him interested? As your typical gal-about town, juggling a hectic schedule- I’ll level with you. In between watching clips of dogs on skateboards on Youtube, crying myself to sleep and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction- not to mention trying to fit in all of my whining- it’s tough. I’m one busy lady. But finding mutual happiness in the little things helps- such as cooking him a special dinner that I’ve secretly spat in, avoiding going home because we can’t stand the sight of each other and crushing sleeping tablets into his tea so he won’t have the energy to speak to me. We somehow make it work, and it’s so worth it*.

But it really depends on what works for your relationship. Some people choose to have endless affairs to escape the reality that they fucking hate their life, others do drugs and some people just get the fuck on to a plane one day and never come back.

Relationships are great, aren’t they?

*It’s not worth it.

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Paranoid Thought Number 4- Is My Boyfriend Afraid Of Me?

During the last six months, Thinkinggal and her lucky boyfriend have manned the fuck up like two fully functioning adults and moved in together. Alone. I say alone because we spent a large proportion of the last few years living with my parents while saving up to go travelling- how that did not result in the death of anyone, I do not know, but I will happily dance on their graves later on in life. Cunts.

Anyway, things are going well considering the transition from I-look-ok-in-the-mornings-and-I’m-mostly-chirpy-and-normal to I’m-a-fucking-monster. Our co-habitation is strictly optional, not because of an accidental pregnancy, marriage of convenience (I think) or the terror of being alone, which is pretty remarkable considering our beginnings. We even got ourselves a plant that we love like a child. Things are looking great. Positive statements.

Except for one thing. It’s nothing really. I don’t even know why I’m mentioning it, but I will anyway because it has got nothing to do with me.

My boyfriend has started screaming in his sleep.

See- nothing to worry about. I mean, does his scream disregard societal expectations of masculinity to the extent that it sounds like a little girl being tortured? Somewhat. Does it terrify me? Sure. Do our neighbours think we have a dungeon where we chop people up? Probably. But nothing to worry about. Stop looking at me strangely.

Anyway, I know it’s not my fault that he periodically terrorises himself awake, because I’m a relationship genius and a swell gal to have around the house, like some sort of modern day Trevor from Trevor and Little Mo. I cook, I clean, I work out, I (sort of) haven’t (really) let myself go (yet), I’m a catch for people with low to mid standards. I have no idea why that selfish bastard keeps screaming in his sleep.

Yet I’m still trying to get to the bottom of it- call me crazy but I care too much, I’m that sort of selfless being. It started when we moved in together, so that doesn’t really tell me much. I’m the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep- but that could mean anything. I even asked him was I the reason for his night terrors, and he said, ‘Yes’. That jokester. So I still have no idea.

To re-iterate, I’m a relationship genius. The secret to a successful relationship is to have a sense of humour, and as many in-jokes as possible. For me and my man-friend, we have a few crackers- such as him flinching and crying when I give him a hug, his desperate pleas for me to ”put the knife down” and the hilarious hours upon hours he spends packing up his belongings and pretending to leave me while I tell him I’ll kill myself if he does and frame him for my murder, after which he goes back in the house and unpacks his stuff. Side-splitting! Well, this ain’t the rehearsal, kids.

I pride myself in my ability to always push my partner to achieve more, in the hope that later on in life, he feels that he did an adequate job. To achieve this, I tell him he’s inadequate on every level and poke holes in everything he achieves until he feels like a massive failure. I do it because I care.

Now, I’m not going to deny that we have our scraps. Yes, like any other couple, we fight. We get annoyed. We throw things and frequently end up in A&E. Occasionally, they have to separate us, and sometimes people say ‘Miss, stop throwing petrol around and put your matches away’. Yes, things happen. Fire spreads. But its important to remember that airing your grievances is healthy and sustains the relationship, and to ensure that all cameras have been bashed in with a baseball bat when you start burning that motherfucker down. Don’t seeth silently on opposite ends of the sofa because your boyfriend ‘stole’ your twenties- tell him you hate him and demand your life back. Tell him you wish he died in the taxi on the way to the bar on the night you met. And then start having an affair with someone you wouldn’t usually dream of associating with for a bit of attention. After all, making time for others when you are in a serious relationship is important.

In addition, the physical side of your relationship is important too. Try to put aside some time weekly to beat your partner. I like to throw shoes and accuse him of ‘wanting to be hit because he should have moved out of the way’. Although women beating men is becoming more recognised as a legitimite form of domestic violence, it is likely that your male partner will feel emasculated and as such, will not tell anyone.

Anyway, with such a healthy union I am still no closer to figuring out why my boyfriend has night terrors. But he should think himself lucky that I care so much, the ungrateful bastard.