Category Archives: social networking

Five Ways to Drive Activity On Your Facebook

There is nothing worse than posting a Facebook status and then watching a virtual tumbleweed roll past as no-one bothers to ‘Like’ or comment on your post. Well… war, famine, poverty etc. is clearly much worse, but we live in the Western world, where people take photos of cats in dresses and laugh until they puke at Rufus Hound, so clearly our priorities are fucked up.

So, how do you get more comments, ‘Likes’ and drive activity on your Facebook updates without selling out? If I knew the answer, I’d be selling it to businesses who are wondering the same and employing these tactics on my own Facebook. But, if you don’t give a fiddler’s and have no qualms taking a trip to CrazyBastardville, then I’d suggest you do the following:

Embellish, Embellish, Embellish

If like me, your day largely consists of arsing about and holding back tears of disappointment re: your life, you’ll have nothing of entertainment value to post on your Facebook. But nowhere in Facebook’s Terms and Conditions of Use does it stipulate that the misrepresentation of dull events is disallowed, so why not just start fucking talking all sorts of smack about what you’re up to? For example, the next time you win £10 on the lottery, update your status to ‘Just won the lottery, wohoo! #ImNotUsingHashtagCorrectlyButNeverMindImRich!’ Develop this embellishment further by posting a picture of yourself planking in a fur coat and lots of jewels, or wankily fanning yourself with currency.

Lie

While embellishment is related to the original subject matter of your status, general lying is unrelated to reality but very effective in making your life appear more thrilling. Turn out all the lights in your house, draw the curtains and keep your children home from school for a few weeks, then then start writing statuses like, ‘Off to Antigua with the family- whoopie!’, ‘Sunbathing by the pool today with a cocktail’ and ‘Doing the Conga round the hotel nightclub- Good times!’.

If you want even more attention, make up a thrilling twist to your story like, ‘Met a 27 year old hotel waiter called Miguel an hour ago who said he’s fallen in love with me- WTF?’, then the next morning, add, ‘Me and Miguel stayed up all night talking, decided to move to Antigua permanently to stay with him. Fuck the kids. YOLO’. Later on in the week, you might say, ‘Can’t believe Miguel’s poor dad needs £20,000 for heart surgery by the end of today, en route to the bank to open up a joint account for me and Miguel <3’ (remember to check yourself in at the bank) and ‘OMG someone has drained our joint account. Miguel is upset and shocked but he just won a new car in a raffle so at least we’ve had some good news today’. Of course, you can’t be on your fake holidays forever, so remember to add, ‘Flew home to escape the clutches of Miguel. Turns out his dad is in perfect health. Heartbroken 😥 ‘, on the day social services call round to enquire as to the reason you’ve been holding your family hostage.

Be Cryptic

Unfortunately, when lying, you must put yourself in the public eye for everyone else to judge. For those of you who are demure and prefer to keep you private life just so, you can be cryptic with your posts to ensure you get the maximum amount of attention. For example, ‘I could cry at the amount of housework I have to do’ should be changed to ‘Can’t take it anymore, might kill myself’.

That’s sure to get a rise from concerned friends and nosy bastards who are lurking about. If you are pissed off with someone but don’t have the danglies to come out with it on Facebook because they would absolutely destroy you, replace their name with ‘SOME PEOPLE’ e.g. ‘SOME PEOPLE should watch their back because I’m not above arson, rape and murder- and I have a fucking great big freezer to hide your body parts in so their family will never get justice’. And the best bit is that all of your paranoid aquaintances will be wondering if the time they laughed at your profile picture because you looked like badger will have somehow got back to you. Zing.

Sex Sells

It is undeniable that using sex to ahead- that’s what she said- is a tried and tested business tool. Just ask borderline prostitute Kim Kardashian and her gaggle of less-asthetically-pleasing-but-slightly-more-likeable sisters. Why not use this to your advantage by taking naked pictures of yourself and posting them on your public profile? It doesn’t matter if your face could pickle onions and your body looks like lots of uncooked sausages squashed into a bin filled with discarded pubic hair- that’s what people want to see.

Create Artificial Interest

Think about it- why do restaurants always sit diners at the window? Obviously, they want potential diners to see that they are popular. Create this same effect on your own Facebook page by creating lots of fake profiles for people you made up, be they your inner voices or just the imaginary friends you had as a lonely child trying to block out those potentially harmful thoughts, and have a party with yourself by logging into each profile and chatting similtaneously. You could even fool your real Facebook contacts into thinking you’re a world traveller by naming your fake friends ‘Judy Jamaica’, ‘Sally Singapore’ and ‘Freddy Finland’, or that you’re a modest genius with names like ‘Spencer Spectacles’, ‘Mary Maths-Advanced-Higher-Level’ and ‘Neville Newspaper’.

So there it is, folks- Five ways to drive activity on your Facebook, with little to no effort at all. Anyway, must dash, Miguel wants to give our love another chance as his father has just had a relapse. Where’s my cheque book?

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , ,

How To Get Over A Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are emotionally exhausting. Not only do they signify the end of a lifestyle, they also mark the beginning of a new, different way of life, of which the adaptation to is difficult and upsetting.

But breaking up doesn’t have to mean breaking down, and ‘we’re over’ doesn’t have to mean that life is over; in fact, this can be the start of a new and improved you. Yes, getting through is tough, but following my tips for getting over a break-up will aid the healthy release of emotions and the gradual formation of a stronger, happier single life.

Get by with a little help from your friends

Primarily, consider mutual friends and the effect that the break-down of your relationships will have on them, as it will prove difficult for them to decide how to proceed with maintaining seperate friendships with you and your ex-partner. To help them, spread a nasty rumour about your ex-partner and tell all of your friends that he/she had derogatory and demeaning nicknames for them (e.g. if you have a friend who has a perm, tell them your ex-partner referred to them as ‘A.C. Slater’, ‘Curly-Bop’ or ‘Paedo-Perm’). Not only will this get your friends on your side, it also manipulates them into thinking your ex-partner was a total arsehole. One nil to you.

Of course, the act of alienating your ex-partner is not an exhaustive list- they ways in which you can ruin their repuation are endless. For example, you can ring their family, place of work or even local supermarket and inform them that your ex-partner likes to set cats alight and make fun of people with disabilities.

Deal with your anger

It is quite likely that you will have some residual anger towards your ex-partner. Deal with this in a healthy way by going round to their new place of residence, breaking every single one of their windows, spraying ‘knob’ on their car, setting the contents of their bin on fire and shitting through the letterbox.

Write your feelings down

It is much better to write down your feelings rather than say things in haste to your ex-partner that you will regret later. Make your own Facebook page entitled ‘(Insert ex-partners name here) Pissed All Over My Chips and Destroyed My Dreams’, and write down all of your feelings on that. Make sure to exaggerate wildly about how horrible of a human being your ex-partner is. Heck, you might as well throw in that, during the course of your relationship, your ex-partner beat you periodically. This is healthy.

Remind yourself

So as not to get back together with your ex-partner when you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere, you may want to keep a reminder of why you two broke up in the first place. Some would suggest keeping a list of reasons on your fridge, but why not go the full hog and kidnap your ex-partner, dismember them into storable pieces and store them in your freezer? That way, not only will you have a reminder that actively discourages you from reaching for the Ben and Jerry’s when you’re feeling low, but this also solves the problem of the unsightly clutter of lists. Oh, and helps to cut down on flammable matter in your kitchen when you’re setting cats alight.

Get rid of negativity

For the most part, the pain of a break-up derives from those negative feelings that you will inevitably have towards your ex-partner, thus, getting rid of that negativity enables you to move on. Therefore, forgive your ex-partner for their part in the demise of your relationship by being kind and having empathy. Reach out to them from a friendly place, for example, you could regularly defrost the freezer compartments that you’ve stored their body parts in, so that your ex-partner is comfortable and less squashed. If you are feeling brave, you could reach out to your ex-partner by suggesting you spend some time together in the ‘friend-zone’, such as spending a day cooking with them (the torso has the most meat), or going for a long drive (store them in the boot of your car so as to not arouse suspicion). Just remember: walking in your ex-partner’s shoes will help you get rid of that negative energy. Unless you’ve got rid of their shoes, as they are evidence which can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Fully-functioning adult high five.

Tagged

Ten Dos For The New Facebook Etiquette

As it turns out, my article ‘Ten Facebook Don’ts For The New Facebook Etiquette’ was a big hit. At least I think it was, but my mother has a cruel streak and the 200 hits it got last week could have just been her clicking the link and laughing maniacally. Oh well, I’ll get her back when I pick her nursing home.

Anyway, I thought I should write this article to address the need festering out there for list of suggested ‘Dos’ for all us Facebookers kept awake with the fear that saying the wrong thing will somehow result in the words ‘Die, Bitch’ being sprayed across your house. The succesful strategic management of your Facebook can brilliantly stick it to all the bastards you felt belittled by throughout life when they see how ballin’ you are as an adult. In hindsight, the word ‘ballin’ must only be funny when I say it in person because I’m a white woman, so scrap that.

To be fair, beyond a means of social interaction, Facebook is mostly used as a vehicle for bragging that you aren’t the failure you were predicted to be. It is the online equivalent of going to your high school reunion and hoping to Christ someone asks you what time it is so you can swipe your fake Rolex in front of their big wanker face. Ha ha ha ha (maybe if I keep laughing, people will think I’m happy).

Ok, so here are my Ten Facebook Dos For The New Facebook Etiquette.

1.DO TALK ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS

Having a wonderful relationship implies that another human being wants to interact with you. It implies you are predominately happy, and do not crying your big loner self to sleep every night. It implies that someone finds you beautiful. It makes you fit in, and by fuck, you need to fit in.

2.DO WRITE ‘MAIL X’ ON THE WALL OF PRIVATE MESSAGE RECIPIENTS

And I promise you, every one of your mutual friends will be dying to know what is contained in that little oracle of truth. They’ll wonder what scandalous gossip you’ve overheard, probably whilst at the Ambassador’s reception, eating Ferrero Rocher and drinking champagne, laughing like a big posho and wearing an expensive dress. PMing your friends adds allure to your scrawny little life, and in your own demented mind, you’ve got some sort of secret worth knowing. It doesn’t matter that you’ve PMed your friend to tell her that your arse-rash cleared up- people will think you’ve got some sort of secret glamourous life that they know nothing about. Evil laugh.

3.DO EMBELLISH THE TRUTH

Embellish the fuck out of the truth like a Rhinestone Cowboy, until the truth is a tiny speck in a mass of bells, whistles, lights and general tack. We all get a new job now and again, so merely saying ‘Yay, I just got a new job’ on Facebook will not make others feel bad enough about their own lives to envy you and wish you were dead (the ultimate achievement). Instead, say ‘OMGGGGGGGGGG Just got the job of my dreeeems, Sooooooooo happy!!!!! Loving life #yayme’. Going on holiday? ‘LOL Sooooooooo excited to be on hollllllllllsssssss wohoooooooo bring on da sunshine’ (incidentally, a daily countdown from a reasonable time such as fifty days prior to your holidays is so much fun for the rest of us, and don’t forget to check yourself in on Facebook at the airport, you gormless cunt).

4.DO CONSIDER THE TRAIN OF EXPOSURE

If you are going to lie on Facebook, you must consider that people who know the truth can see your lies and can expose you at any time. For most, the ‘Train of Exposure’ runs through close friends and family, who see through your charade of happiness right through to your weary, downtrodden soul. My solution is to throw them a bone now and again in the form of a ‘Like’ for all of their stupid bastard statuses and write ‘Gorgizzz’ under pictures of their ugly faces. That’ll shut them up.

5.DO PHOTOSHOP YOUR PICTURES

Hey you. Are you the sort of person who has ‘a great personality’? If so, you are not alone. Like you, I am a ‘funny gal’, I also get told I’m ‘beautiful inside (awkward silence)’. I try to minimise my collosal bingo wings in the ‘hand on hips’ pose and hide my teeth to de-serialkillerify my creepy smile. But I am still one ugly bitch. Therefore, I need Photoshop. I need a camera feature that blurs out the ugliness on my face. Photoshop yourself to within an inch of your hideous life, until the fusion of your mother and father milk-turning ugliness (here’s to you, Rumer Willis) is nothing more than Heidi Montag post-eleven surgical procedures in one day. In fact, you might be best just photoshopping her face onto your body, and her body over your body.

6.DO TAG OTHERS IN BAD PICTURES

And watch while they try and take it on the chin. It’s hilarious, and a lose/lose situation for the unfortunate ugly bastard because if they de-tag, they look like a shallow fucker, incapable of taking a joke. If they don’t, people can see them at their lowest ebb and have something to sneer at behind the safety of an anonymous computer screen, like the big boys they are. Hashtag goodtimes.

7.DO BE VIGILANT FOR INTERNET PREDATORS POSING AS JUSTIN BIEBER TYPES

If you’re the type of parent who allows their underage child to have a Facebook in order to gain access to a world of online rapists and child molesters, then pat yourself on the back- you are an excellent guardian. Ok, so most online predators are actually police investigators posing as paedophiles posing as teenagers, but even still, it could get you in trouble and you might have to go to court. And could you really be arsed going the whole way to court in your pyjamas? Set and match, my negligent friend, set and match.

8.DO RE-POST CHAIN STATUSES

These are incredibly informative and I appreciate those who take the time to enlighten others of on-going struggles in the wider world. For those of you who have no idea what I’m taking about, here’s an example: ‘Did you know that every year, four and a half people are killed by snake on a plane related injuries? Snakes are a wily predator, so when added to a plane they are extra dangerous. The next time you open your overhead bin, spare a thought for others who haven’t been lucky enough to open their overhead bin and enjoyed the time to spare a thought because they were eaten by a snake. This epidemic must end. This week is National Day of Snake on a Plane Awareness Hour. Please re-post or I’m not your friend.’ How useful. Thank you re-posters.

9.DO STRATEGICALLY CHOOSE YOUR PRIVACY SETTINGS

Having your page set as ‘private’ is great because it suggests to other that you are one classy bastard who needs not shout their life (albeit with modifications to make it unshit-friendly) from the virtual rooftop. Oh and when job hunting, its best to keep your crazy bastard exposure to a minimum. But Facebook now has a new feature in which you can make some posts private, and others public. As a general rule: your shit statuses about your actual life and ugly photos that show your ”natural beauty”- keep them private. Statuses about your made up fantasy life in which you have a great, well paid job you love, a partner you still find attractive and children you don’t want to leave on the steps of your local orphange, and the photos with your ugliness photoshopped to reveal beautiful, fake Heidi Montag you- stick them on ‘Public’. And by ‘Public’. The people who hate you enough not to add you as a friend but still visit your page to occasionally sneer at your existence will thank you.

10.DO BE CRYPTIC WHILE BITCHING ABOUT OTHERS

Sometimes we all need to let off a bit of steam and have a bit of a scathing bitching session through Facebook. The key is to refer to the person who has annoyed you as ‘SOME PEOPLE’. Then in addition to being a passive aggressive human being, you also look like a Billy No-Balls. And because others who scour your wall for any sign of anything interesting can’t empathise with you, you also look like a big over-reacting psychopath. However, I would like to point out that Facebook is an incredibly appropriate place to air your grievances because a) it’s very private and b) the world and his wife can’t see your page, and judge you accordingly.Oh and while you’re at it, you might as well adorn your Facebook wall with cheeky cunt-isms in the form of non-rhyming poetry, a la Bebo, such as ‘dA pIcTuReS nEvA cHaNgE bUt Da PpL iN dEm Do’. That’ll show ’em.

And so another one of my sanctimonious rambles draws to a close. However, I would like to point out that I am living proof that adhering to these rules ensures people only call you a cunt behind your back and rarely to your face- hello, Easy Street. You are welcome.

Tagged

Ten Don’ts For The New Facebook Etiquette

Interacting via the medium of social networking is a relatively new concept for most of us, and as such, common ‘Facebook etiquette’ has yet to be established. However, considering that (ideally) we know the people that we interact with, we have a vague idea of how to behave online. But for all of you big fucking maniacs out there who have no idea how to conduct yourselves, here are my 10 Facebook Don’ts:

1. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE

For the love of God, please stop talking about your sex life. It’s making me get vomit all over my top. Think about it: would you stand up in front of everyone you know and snorty laugh while spluttering through all of the unsavoury details of your own private relationship. No? Well then, don’t do it in a place where your mother can read it. She pretends she can’t see it but she probably can and it haunts her. And don’t kid yourself that you’re just being a ‘bit cheeky’ (eurgh) and just having a bit of a laugh- no one wants to know. NO ONE.

2. DON’T UPLOAD PICTURES OF YOURSELF POSING NAKED

This might come as a shock to you, but you’re not a model. You’re kind of pasty, and need better lighting. And your bedroom needs decorated as though it isn’t 1992 with your jazzy curtains and shitty boarder- hang on, is this even your house or are you in some sort of sex dungeon? You need not feel the need to satisfy societal demands of asthetic perfection. Or if you do, at least invest some of that time in the gym stealing yourself a new towel, because the one you’ve draped your ‘nads in could do with a wash. You’ve put me off my cottage cheese, you inconsiderate bastard.

3. DON’T CHECK IN AT YOUR BED

There is absolutely no need for you to check yourself in at ‘Bed’, unless you like alerting burglars that your house is now easy pickings. Funnily enough, I kind of guessed that when it gets dark, humans sleep. I know, it’s like a sixth sense. Hashtag Mystic Meg.

4. DON’T BE FUCKING STUPID- THERE’S NO APP THAT REVEALS YOUR STALKERS

The only thing you achieve by deluding yourself and indulging in anything that promises to tell you if your old boyfriend/girlfriend is weeping over your photos, ‘Look at what you could’ve won’ style, is looking a total cunt. Spoiler alert- the only people who can be arsed sifting through your sticky wall are the people who hate you, the people that like you and your mother (in my experience anyway). That’s it. No one else gives a fuck.

5. DON’T KID YOURSELF- YOUR LIFE IS DULL

How many times do you have to give me a run down of your day? The only use I have for the details of where you are going all day, is as a warning for where to avoid. The truth is that we don’t know what counts as newsworthy in the world of Facebook- but if it’s too boring to say out loud without being swallowed by a yawn, it’s too boring to state on Facebook. I have little use for a fucking play-by-play of leaving your bin out every Wednesday or when you are doing your ironing. Keep this shit to yourself.

6. DON’T BE FOOLED INTO THINKING OTHERS ARE HAPPIER THAN YOU

And if they pretend that they aren’t, they’re fucking liars. Unfortunately, as we get older, the realisation that life is a depressing, meaningless load of bollocks where we all repeat the same mistakes our parents did, have children who resent us, work in a soul destroying job and look forward to death hits us like a ton of bricks. We try to lie on Facebook- jazz up our lives with the odd holiday snap with our ugly faces photoshopped so people can’t see that our eyes are red raw from crying, document our lives with a series of ‘Check Ins’, and update our statuses’ with shit like ‘I’m happy :)’ (Acting Happy, Feeling Crappy). But the truth is, we are all miserable bastards. Look at my Facebook for example- looks normal, doesn’t it? But am I happy? Of course I’m not happy. I hate everything. I complain constantly. I wish I was never born.

7. DON’T ‘LIKE’ MY COMMENTS WHEN I’VE ASKED YOU A QUESTION

This is my Facebook pet hate. I don’t mind if I’ve just made some sort of universal statement- it’s fine to ‘like’ my comment then because there is really nothing else to say. But don’t ‘like’ my comment when I’ve asked ‘How are you?’ or some other attempt at conversation. If I asked you this in real life, would you stand in silence just patting me on the head like a dog? No? Because ‘liking’ my comment is the mother fucking equivalent, you cheeky cunt.

8. DON’T ALLOW YOUSELF TO POST WHEN DRUNK

People who use their drunkeness to excuse their anti-social behaviour are fucking pricks, and just like the eyes are the window to the soul, drunk ramblings hold some sort of truth for the unhappy individual so devoid of friends that they spend their ‘party time’ online. Think about it like this: your Facebook audience is your family, friends, aquaintances, work colleagues, school friends and the bastards who added you even though you never really liked each other. Would you stand in a room and drunkenly ramble on while they all stared at you in silence, aghast while you ugly-cry, laugh demonically and state cryptically that SOME people can go fuck themselves… you know who you are… big bastards… I hate you. *sad face, winky face, open mouthed face. No, you would not, because in real life, this would be an intervention for your impending nervous breakdown.

9. DON’T ADD ME TO SEE WHAT I’M UP TO, THEN DELETE ME

If you don’t like me or I ‘did something to you’ years ago, don’t worry about seeing how miserable my life is up close. Move the fuck on. Get over it. There’s nothing to see here. Don’t make me think you’re a class act who extends the hand of friendship when I didn’t, and then take it away. Prove to me that you’re not the petty dickhead I thought you were, or leave me alone. Don’t hover around my virtual door like a fucking stalker- man the fuck up, you silly bastard.

10. DON’T ASK ME TO WATER YOUR FARMVILLE CROPS, YOU LIFELESS CUNT

Take your fucking virtual farm and shove it right up your joyless rectum.

So there you have it, folks- 10 Facebook Don’ts aiming to minimise drama and general chaos in your life- to your face and behind your back.

I bet my Facebook friend numbers will reduce quicker than the lights on Take Me Out when Josef Fritzl comes down the Love Lift.

Tagged , , ,
Advertisements