There is nothing worse than posting a Facebook status and then watching a virtual tumbleweed roll past as no-one bothers to ‘Like’ or comment on your post. Well… war, famine, poverty etc. is clearly much worse, but we live in the Western world, where people take photos of cats in dresses and laugh until they puke at Rufus Hound, so clearly our priorities are fucked up.
So, how do you get more comments, ‘Likes’ and drive activity on your Facebook updates without selling out? If I knew the answer, I’d be selling it to businesses who are wondering the same and employing these tactics on my own Facebook. But, if you don’t give a fiddler’s and have no qualms taking a trip to CrazyBastardville, then I’d suggest you do the following:
Embellish, Embellish, Embellish
If like me, your day largely consists of arsing about and holding back tears of disappointment re: your life, you’ll have nothing of entertainment value to post on your Facebook. But nowhere in Facebook’s Terms and Conditions of Use does it stipulate that the misrepresentation of dull events is disallowed, so why not just start fucking talking all sorts of smack about what you’re up to? For example, the next time you win £10 on the lottery, update your status to ‘Just won the lottery, wohoo! #ImNotUsingHashtagCorrectlyButNeverMindImRich!’ Develop this embellishment further by posting a picture of yourself planking in a fur coat and lots of jewels, or wankily fanning yourself with currency.
While embellishment is related to the original subject matter of your status, general lying is unrelated to reality but very effective in making your life appear more thrilling. Turn out all the lights in your house, draw the curtains and keep your children home from school for a few weeks, then then start writing statuses like, ‘Off to Antigua with the family- whoopie!’, ‘Sunbathing by the pool today with a cocktail’ and ‘Doing the Conga round the hotel nightclub- Good times!’.
If you want even more attention, make up a thrilling twist to your story like, ‘Met a 27 year old hotel waiter called Miguel an hour ago who said he’s fallen in love with me- WTF?’, then the next morning, add, ‘Me and Miguel stayed up all night talking, decided to move to Antigua permanently to stay with him. Fuck the kids. YOLO’. Later on in the week, you might say, ‘Can’t believe Miguel’s poor dad needs £20,000 for heart surgery by the end of today, en route to the bank to open up a joint account for me and Miguel <3’ (remember to check yourself in at the bank) and ‘OMG someone has drained our joint account. Miguel is upset and shocked but he just won a new car in a raffle so at least we’ve had some good news today’. Of course, you can’t be on your fake holidays forever, so remember to add, ‘Flew home to escape the clutches of Miguel. Turns out his dad is in perfect health. Heartbroken 😥 ‘, on the day social services call round to enquire as to the reason you’ve been holding your family hostage.
Unfortunately, when lying, you must put yourself in the public eye for everyone else to judge. For those of you who are demure and prefer to keep you private life just so, you can be cryptic with your posts to ensure you get the maximum amount of attention. For example, ‘I could cry at the amount of housework I have to do’ should be changed to ‘Can’t take it anymore, might kill myself’.
That’s sure to get a rise from concerned friends and nosy bastards who are lurking about. If you are pissed off with someone but don’t have the danglies to come out with it on Facebook because they would absolutely destroy you, replace their name with ‘SOME PEOPLE’ e.g. ‘SOME PEOPLE should watch their back because I’m not above arson, rape and murder- and I have a fucking great big freezer to hide your body parts in so their family will never get justice’. And the best bit is that all of your paranoid aquaintances will be wondering if the time they laughed at your profile picture because you looked like badger will have somehow got back to you. Zing.
It is undeniable that using sex to ahead- that’s what she said- is a tried and tested business tool. Just ask borderline prostitute Kim Kardashian and her gaggle of less-asthetically-pleasing-but-slightly-more-likeable sisters. Why not use this to your advantage by taking naked pictures of yourself and posting them on your public profile? It doesn’t matter if your face could pickle onions and your body looks like lots of uncooked sausages squashed into a bin filled with discarded pubic hair- that’s what people want to see.
Create Artificial Interest
Think about it- why do restaurants always sit diners at the window? Obviously, they want potential diners to see that they are popular. Create this same effect on your own Facebook page by creating lots of fake profiles for people you made up, be they your inner voices or just the imaginary friends you had as a lonely child trying to block out those potentially harmful thoughts, and have a party with yourself by logging into each profile and chatting similtaneously. You could even fool your real Facebook contacts into thinking you’re a world traveller by naming your fake friends ‘Judy Jamaica’, ‘Sally Singapore’ and ‘Freddy Finland’, or that you’re a modest genius with names like ‘Spencer Spectacles’, ‘Mary Maths-Advanced-Higher-Level’ and ‘Neville Newspaper’.
So there it is, folks- Five ways to drive activity on your Facebook, with little to no effort at all. Anyway, must dash, Miguel wants to give our love another chance as his father has just had a relapse. Where’s my cheque book?