Category Archives: Song-writing

Ten Things You Never Knew About Your Favourite Popstars

We all have posters on our walls of our favourite popstars. Some of us even kiss these posters ever night before bed time, and genuinely believe that one day, we will marry a popstar and turn into a fiesty music wife with a gold tooth and a multiple finger ring with a catchy slogan like ‘Ride or Die’ on it. I mean, not me but some other people do.

I like hearing all about the glamorous lives of the rich and famous, but more so, I love to hear the little known facts that make me feel like they are just like you and me. Here’s a few I’ve uncovered:

1. Prince of pop, Justin Bieber wrote his song, ‘Never Say Never’ after his mother broke the news to him that Santa Claus wasn’t real on his 19th birthday.

2. X Factor rejects, One Direction, were the brainchild of Simon Cowell. ‘It’s true’, says Wand Erection’s resident hearthrob, John-Jo, ‘Simon Cowell put us together after we wouldn’t stop playing football outside his house’. ‘We were using his wall as a goal post and he gave us a record deal so we would give him some peace while he watched Heartbeat’, laughs the band’s token babyface, Jim-Jo.

3. Lady Gaga is a jokester at heart and laughed off recent rumours that she was a man. ‘I’m just glad people were too busy looking for a bulge to notice my nine nipples, red tail and pitchfork, for I am the son of Satan’, she said in a recent interview.

4. The artist, Madonna, is actually a hologram, having died from old age in 1998. ‘I got the idea after I kept replacing the children’s dog when it got run over by a car- they never noticed the difference’, laughs the dead star. When asked if she prefers her human state or being a hologramatic projection, the star mused, ‘Well, it’s much easier to tame my feminine itch this way. You see, holograms can’t get herpes’. She then slithered into the night, cutting the interview short.

5. After they completed a ‘Sensitivity in the Workplace’ seminar, Maroon 5 changed their song from ‘Moobs like Jabba’ to ‘Moves like Jagger’. When brought to their attention that this was still offensive to Mick Jagger, Maroon 5 frontman, Billy Interchangeable replied, ‘Fuck off’.

6. Coldplay wrote popular nappy jingle ‘Mummy, look! I’m a big boy now’, for Pampers. ‘After the success of that jingle, we realised there was a big market of vulnerable bedwetting adults out there just waiting for our albums’, said lead singer, Fray Bentos.

7. Pop princess, Shakira is the voice behind the Go Compare advertisements.

8. Contrary to popular belief, pop megastar Britney Spears is just like you and me. Despite having millions in the bank, she still wakes up every Monday with the belief that this will be the week that she sticks to Slimming World, she hits her children and she has no idea what she is doing with her life.

9. After a lengthy break, Girls Aloud are set to reform and tour in 2013. When asked why, Cheryl Cole shrugged, ‘Well, our solo careers have failed, innit.’ ‘What Cheryl is trying to say,’ interjects Kimberley, ‘is that Puma sponsor me and you should purchase some Puma items in your local Debenhams’. The rest of the band were unavailable for comment as they were outside scrapping in the street over who was getting to stand in the middle of upcoming promotional pictures.

10. Of his family, Ozzy Osbourne says, ‘I’m actually not related to them. When I bought the house, they were squatters who lived in my shed and we just sort of hit it off’. When asked why he didn’t just ring the police to have them removed, Ozzy declined to comment because Kelly was holding a gun to his head.

Stay tuned for the next installation of this made-up bullshit gripping expose of the glamorous world of celebrity!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Candle in the Curse

After celebrity, journalist and all round beaut, Elissa Corrigan read my blog, she suggested that I should stop cursing.

My mother is delighted by this after having repeated this exact instruction to me for the last 13 years.

So I am going to give it a go and try to give it up*, seeing as I like to hide behind cursing because I think my writing style is rather depressing and unhilarious without it. Of course, not to miss out on a chance to be dramatic, I am bidding farewell to my old ways through the medium of song, as below.

Candle in the Curse (To the tune of ‘Candle in the Wind’, by Elton John)

Goodbye, vulgar mouth

Now I don’t know myself one bit

I must find a new identity

Or be exposed as an unhilarious tit

Started swearing back in school

To imply I was hard as nails

Should have smoked instead

Less maternal nagging it entails

(Chorus)

And it seems to me, I’ve lived my life

Like a trashy, cheeky mare

Never knowing how to express myself

Without a swear

And now I’m on a new path

To speaking like a toff

And only uttering expletives

That I disguise under a cough

Going it alone

Cleaning out the mouth, my regimen

In the hope that I will succeed

To appear smart and feminine

Women who swear, it seems

Are perceived as slaggy and uncouth

And seeing as I’m skating on thin ice already

I must bid farewell to the lingo of my youth

(Chorus)

And it seems to me, I’ve lived my life

Like a trashy, cheeky mare

Never knowing how to express myself

Without a swear

And now I’m on a new path

To speaking like a toff

And only uttering expletives

That I disguise under a cough

Goodbye, vulgar mouth

You embellish every noun

Make gossip more hilarious

And deliver a great put-down

Goodbye Vulgar Mouth

I’m sure it’s not the end

Considering my inner rage

I’ll see you one day soon, my friend

*By ‘try to give it up’, I mean I’m going to cut down. There is probably still going to be cursing going on. A lot. Sorry Mum.

Tagged , , ,