Category Archives: Sports

How To Qualify For The Olympics

The 2012 London Olympics are in full swing, and the world is watching. Their motto is ‘Inspire a Generation’, which, each time anyone says it, just sounds hilariously corny. My suggestions would have been ‘2012 London Olympics- Sporty as Fuck’, ‘2012 London Olympics- Making You Glad You Weren’t Born in China’ or ‘2012 London Olympics- Fitness R Us.’

Anyway, given their motto, it is hoped that a new generation of youngsters and budding athletes will be enthused by the games and start training hard for the 2016 Olympics. But how does one make it to the Olympics? As usual, I’m here to give you the lowdown on how to rise to the top.

Step One: Eye of the Tiger

All the adrenaline you’re ever going to need is contained in the song, Eye of the Tiger, sunshine. Seriously, it’s like instrumental smack mixed with lyrical steroids. Get it downloaded to your iPod, or better yet, huge mobile stereo system so that everyone can hear it, then take to the streets with it blasting on repeat. Don’t bother with all of that exhausting training, because when Eye of the Tiger is on, everyone knows all you have to do is keep meaningfully glancing into the distance while you walk about like the Terminator in a grey sweatsuit and matching headband, and you just start winning. Boom. Etc.

Step Two: Relax

An affiliate of the USA Track & Field team for the 2012 Olympics, Katie Branham, has spoke out about the difficulties faced by Olympic athletes, saying, ‘There are no perks for past success’. What to take from this? It doesn’t matter if you haven’t been training this whole time because those that are competing this year won’t be given preference in 2016. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to sit your good self down with a bottle of tequila and a drip filled with lard, and vegetate until about 2015. Then tell yourself you’ll definately get off that chair and out for a power walk. Tomorrow. No, Monday. Next Monday. *Finds half a Dorito that got lost in spare tyre and eats it when no-one is looking, then cries about it later.

Step Three: Owner of a Lonely Heart

As any athlete will tell you, achievement requires focus. Therefore, best steer clear of time-consuming, complicated romances that are likely to steal centre-stage from all of your sweatsuit wearing and meaningful glancing to Eye of the Tiger. However, those long, lonely nights in training are difficult without company, so why not befriend your local courthouse’s ‘Show Me Where Your Molester Touched You’ doll and take that out on dates from time to time to alleviate boredom without the risk that some biatch is going to argue back and be all up in your face about neglecting them. The best bit is, the doll is probably so mentally scarred from being the embodiment of abuse and violation for so many years, it will just be grateful that you’ve given it the time of day.

Step Four: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

The best part about being an Olympic athlete is that you get to accept loads of bribes and then pretend that you didn’t. Even though you’re on TV lying that your training consisted of eating a bowl of Wheaties (I’m talking to you here, Bruce Jenner, you big elastic-faced arsebag), everyone still pretends that you didn’t take that bribe. Many athletes choose to accept free cars, homes and money in order to endorse products or even be affiliated with a company. Whenever you call into your local Sainsburys for more tequila, cake and a copy of Eye of the Tiger, call to Customer Services to tell them you’re going to be competing in the 2016 Olympics and see if they’ll give you a free pen. Or, perhaps, if you’re really lucky, they’ll give you 50% off a ‘Bag For Life’. Sweet.

Step Five: Let’s Get Physical

When it comes to the Olympics, outer appearance is very important. If you intend to compete in any event other than ladies football, where the general consensus seems to be ‘The Butcher, The Better’, then you’ll need to be more punishing with your diet and training than the ‘Show Me Where Your Molester Touched You’ doll is when it showers with steel wool every hour, on the hour. Also, it may be a good idea to invest in some ‘tit-tape’ to secure ahem, lose body parts. You can also use any leftover tape to secure your fat rolls together to make it look like you’ve got a severe case of wind, rather than looking like you’re out of shape because you told yourself you’d start training in 2015, but, when push came to shove, you only started training last week, doing sit-ups on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed that really did all the hard work for you.

Also, while we are on the subject of physicals, remember that Olympic officials require random drug testing on all athletes to ensure that steroids etc. are not consumed. Beat the system by chatting up a dwarf, taking them out and buying them a few drinks. When they excuse themselves to go to the bathroom, follow them, knock them out and eat them in one piece. Hey presto- all the urine and blood samples you’ll ever need to qualify for the games is sitting in your stomach.

When no longer needed, go to your local hospital and ‘give birth’ to your dwarf by cesarean section. Sorted. If the dwarf is angry with you, resolve the situation by point out that they technically now have two birthdays, and certainly do not let them know that you have registered them as your child and have started the process of claiming child benefit in their name.

Go team! Etc.

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