Category Archives: stalking

How To Get Over A Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are emotionally exhausting. Not only do they signify the end of a lifestyle, they also mark the beginning of a new, different way of life, of which the adaptation to is difficult and upsetting.

But breaking up doesn’t have to mean breaking down, and ‘we’re over’ doesn’t have to mean that life is over; in fact, this can be the start of a new and improved you. Yes, getting through is tough, but following my tips for getting over a break-up will aid the healthy release of emotions and the gradual formation of a stronger, happier single life.

Get by with a little help from your friends

Primarily, consider mutual friends and the effect that the break-down of your relationships will have on them, as it will prove difficult for them to decide how to proceed with maintaining seperate friendships with you and your ex-partner. To help them, spread a nasty rumour about your ex-partner and tell all of your friends that he/she had derogatory and demeaning nicknames for them (e.g. if you have a friend who has a perm, tell them your ex-partner referred to them as ‘A.C. Slater’, ‘Curly-Bop’ or ‘Paedo-Perm’). Not only will this get your friends on your side, it also manipulates them into thinking your ex-partner was a total arsehole. One nil to you.

Of course, the act of alienating your ex-partner is not an exhaustive list- they ways in which you can ruin their repuation are endless. For example, you can ring their family, place of work or even local supermarket and inform them that your ex-partner likes to set cats alight and make fun of people with disabilities.

Deal with your anger

It is quite likely that you will have some residual anger towards your ex-partner. Deal with this in a healthy way by going round to their new place of residence, breaking every single one of their windows, spraying ‘knob’ on their car, setting the contents of their bin on fire and shitting through the letterbox.

Write your feelings down

It is much better to write down your feelings rather than say things in haste to your ex-partner that you will regret later. Make your own Facebook page entitled ‘(Insert ex-partners name here) Pissed All Over My Chips and Destroyed My Dreams’, and write down all of your feelings on that. Make sure to exaggerate wildly about how horrible of a human being your ex-partner is. Heck, you might as well throw in that, during the course of your relationship, your ex-partner beat you periodically. This is healthy.

Remind yourself

So as not to get back together with your ex-partner when you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere, you may want to keep a reminder of why you two broke up in the first place. Some would suggest keeping a list of reasons on your fridge, but why not go the full hog and kidnap your ex-partner, dismember them into storable pieces and store them in your freezer? That way, not only will you have a reminder that actively discourages you from reaching for the Ben and Jerry’s when you’re feeling low, but this also solves the problem of the unsightly clutter of lists. Oh, and helps to cut down on flammable matter in your kitchen when you’re setting cats alight.

Get rid of negativity

For the most part, the pain of a break-up derives from those negative feelings that you will inevitably have towards your ex-partner, thus, getting rid of that negativity enables you to move on. Therefore, forgive your ex-partner for their part in the demise of your relationship by being kind and having empathy. Reach out to them from a friendly place, for example, you could regularly defrost the freezer compartments that you’ve stored their body parts in, so that your ex-partner is comfortable and less squashed. If you are feeling brave, you could reach out to your ex-partner by suggesting you spend some time together in the ‘friend-zone’, such as spending a day cooking with them (the torso has the most meat), or going for a long drive (store them in the boot of your car so as to not arouse suspicion). Just remember: walking in your ex-partner’s shoes will help you get rid of that negative energy. Unless you’ve got rid of their shoes, as they are evidence which can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Fully-functioning adult high five.

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Top Hints for Assuming the Lifestyle of A Sexual Deviant

My building manager is off this week. We usually partake in awkward exchanges in which we try to drag out an awkward analysis of the weather on our way past each other, which involves an awful lot of fake grinning and nodding in silence. Now I’m free to roam the premises without fear of such social niceties. In a way, I’m on my holidays too, then. Fuck, I wish I was never born.

Anyway, earlier on I was in my bedroom and realised there was an old man staring in the window at me.

Apparently, he is the person who is filling in for the building manager. But the building manager’s duties don’t include looking at people from afar for dubious reasons that I don’t want to even think about. At least, I don’t think so. Or else he doesn’t fancy me. Why isn’t he stalking me? Must try harder to get him to stalk me.

To be honest, it didn’t really bother me that much that the creepy guy was hovering about- I have nothing to hide. It’s not like I was singing into my hairbrush and making up dance routines. I only do that on Sundays.

 

But on a scale of the blonde recluse from Abba to Ashton Kutcher, how much do you value your privacy? If you don’t require a lot, perhaps you understand the merit of stalking others because it’s hilarious and you can see absolutely no violation to your stalkee’s privacy because you’re off your tits on prescription tablets and narcissicm. In a way, it’s just like Twitter. Sort of. And everyone loves a kook.

Then I realised that being a sexual deviant would actually be a right laugh. And because you’d have to go to a place in your head that lives in denial that you’re just an old, disgusting sleaze, you’d be able to block out all sorts of crap and not give a fuck. You don’t have to let others’ opinion validate you, and if anyone tries to judge you, just violate their human rights by standing outside their house and being creepy as fuck. You might even throw an envelope through their letterbox filled with your turds.

Not only is stalking a great way to obtain information about people that you can later blackmail them with, it is also a sick and twisted method of making yourself believe that you and your stalkee are romantically involved, even if the sight of you repulses them. Furthermore, if you have no life, like me, it is an effective way to make yourself feel better than most other people are sitting at home, alone, on a Friday night, watching Cougar Town and joining in when the cast shout, ‘Penny Can’. Those guys.

Start off your journey to jail by getting yourself a nice catchphrase that fits in with your stalker lifestyle. Of course, in the latter stages of stalking, simply watching from afar will not be enough and you will eventually confront your victim, pick-axe in hand. Just like Jack Nicholson’s infamous, ‘Herrrrre’s Johnny!‘, you should choose something maniacal and nonsensical, like ‘Hungry like the wolf’ or ‘Winner, winner, chicken dinner’.

Of course, creepy sexual deviant types are dedicated followers of fashion. Head to Millets to get yourself an on-trend trench coat (don’t forget one with nice deep pockets for erm… holding notebooks that you can use to compile reams of useless information on your victim. Etcetera. ) and a camoflage cap to be the belle of the bushes. This look is fuctional and fashionable, no matter how strict the dress code in Club Shrub. See what I did there? I gave shrubbery a fun name to imply that stalking is a social activity, when infact it is the sport of serial killers. Accessorise your stalker attire with a nice pair of binoculars, ideally with a night-vision function for when your stalkee goes to bed. This is a lot on your shopping list, so just remember to get yourself some clothes that cover up all of this shit:

While your victim sleeps, kill two birds with the one stone and have a good rummage in their outside bin for credit card statements and other private information for blackmailing them later on in your ‘relationship‘, which consists of you stalking them while they remain oblivious. However, to facilitate the facade that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong, you should probably lie to yourself by maintaining that you are ‘just taking an interest in your other half’, ‘brushing up on your people skills’ or even ‘helping the environment by sorting their waste in a recycling-friendly manner’. Fuck it, if anyone challenges you, accuse them of stalking you. Weirdo.

After getting to know your victim better via stalking, you can take the next step and start telling everyone that you and your stalkee are in a relationship together. Pictures that you have taken from afar can be photoshopped to include your face so that you have nice photographs for your mantelpiece. Those pictures can also be blown up into a large cardboard cut-out of your stalkee so that you can enjoy cosy nights in when you can’t be arsed donning your trench coat and going out to actually stalk the real person. Relationships make life so great that you start to really enjoy giving up your stalking time to spend time on the sofa with your other cardboard cut-out half- don’t feel bad, it’s inevitable .

But what about when that dreaded day arrives, in which your stalkee has a date with someone else? Rememeber- technically, they don’t know about their binding union that they’ve unwittingly shared with you for months on end. At this point, you could walk away with your dignity, get help for your problem and move on with your life. Or- or, you could murder both of the bastards while screaming ‘Sherie, we could have been together. You just had to love me. I didn’t want to do this!‘ It doesn’t matter if your stalkee isn’t called Sherie. Probably best to kill yourself at this point too, otherwise you’ll be serving a long stint in jail.

Although, jail could be the perfect place to start a new relationship. And without the restraints of walls, you might be able to run your hands through your stalkee’s hair while they sleep, watch them while they go the toilet and give them cigarettes in exchange for sexual favours.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

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