Relationship break-ups are emotionally exhausting. Not only do they signify the end of a lifestyle, they also mark the beginning of a new, different way of life, of which the adaptation to is difficult and upsetting.
But breaking up doesn’t have to mean breaking down, and ‘we’re over’ doesn’t have to mean that life is over; in fact, this can be the start of a new and improved you. Yes, getting through is tough, but following my tips for getting over a break-up will aid the healthy release of emotions and the gradual formation of a stronger, happier single life.
Get by with a little help from your friends
Primarily, consider mutual friends and the effect that the break-down of your relationships will have on them, as it will prove difficult for them to decide how to proceed with maintaining seperate friendships with you and your ex-partner. To help them, spread a nasty rumour about your ex-partner and tell all of your friends that he/she had derogatory and demeaning nicknames for them (e.g. if you have a friend who has a perm, tell them your ex-partner referred to them as ‘A.C. Slater’, ‘Curly-Bop’ or ‘Paedo-Perm’). Not only will this get your friends on your side, it also manipulates them into thinking your ex-partner was a total arsehole. One nil to you.
Of course, the act of alienating your ex-partner is not an exhaustive list- they ways in which you can ruin their repuation are endless. For example, you can ring their family, place of work or even local supermarket and inform them that your ex-partner likes to set cats alight and make fun of people with disabilities.
Deal with your anger
It is quite likely that you will have some residual anger towards your ex-partner. Deal with this in a healthy way by going round to their new place of residence, breaking every single one of their windows, spraying ‘knob’ on their car, setting the contents of their bin on fire and shitting through the letterbox.
Write your feelings down
It is much better to write down your feelings rather than say things in haste to your ex-partner that you will regret later. Make your own Facebook page entitled ‘(Insert ex-partners name here) Pissed All Over My Chips and Destroyed My Dreams’, and write down all of your feelings on that. Make sure to exaggerate wildly about how horrible of a human being your ex-partner is. Heck, you might as well throw in that, during the course of your relationship, your ex-partner beat you periodically. This is healthy.
So as not to get back together with your ex-partner when you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere, you may want to keep a reminder of why you two broke up in the first place. Some would suggest keeping a list of reasons on your fridge, but why not go the full hog and kidnap your ex-partner, dismember them into storable pieces and store them in your freezer? That way, not only will you have a reminder that actively discourages you from reaching for the Ben and Jerry’s when you’re feeling low, but this also solves the problem of the unsightly clutter of lists. Oh, and helps to cut down on flammable matter in your kitchen when you’re setting cats alight.
Get rid of negativity
For the most part, the pain of a break-up derives from those negative feelings that you will inevitably have towards your ex-partner, thus, getting rid of that negativity enables you to move on. Therefore, forgive your ex-partner for their part in the demise of your relationship by being kind and having empathy. Reach out to them from a friendly place, for example, you could regularly defrost the freezer compartments that you’ve stored their body parts in, so that your ex-partner is comfortable and less squashed. If you are feeling brave, you could reach out to your ex-partner by suggesting you spend some time together in the ‘friend-zone’, such as spending a day cooking with them (the torso has the most meat), or going for a long drive (store them in the boot of your car so as to not arouse suspicion). Just remember: walking in your ex-partner’s shoes will help you get rid of that negative energy. Unless you’ve got rid of their shoes, as they are evidence which can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Fully-functioning adult high five.