Category Archives: stress

Prick of the Week: The Job Market

This won’t come as a shock to many of you, but the current job market is, to say the least, a tad depressing.

Sadly, the days of enthusiastically applying for a job, getting invited to a civilised interview, being offered the job and then climbing the career ladder are long gone. However, if you like zany questioning techniques, arsy interviewers, depressing jobs, smooching sphincter and minimum wage, you are likely to be loving life.

Even when sourcing jobs, the only companies with lots of vacancies are the organisational equivalent to the kid in school who picked their nose and ate it, and then had their parents up to the Principal every five minutes to ask why they had no friends, i.e. a total prick.

Prickish companies are currently the ones hassling old women into reclaiming mis-sold PPI (which you can do, in exchange for your soul, for minimum wage- Apply today! Free noose with every application!), payday loan suppliers (‘Drug dealer about to kick your door down and scalp your arse dry unless you can reimburse him for that cocaine? Apply today, and use discount code ‘Force25’ for 25% the level of force we will use to beat you to a pulp when you default on the repayments- which you will!’), debt collection agencies (‘Debts piling up with no way out? Well then, we’ll take your other stuff instead, and break your legs for the inconvenience of illiquidity. Cheerio.’) and the fast food industry (any company that makes people wear a novelty hat as part of their uniform deserves to go bust).

And these are the sort of jobs that people are considered lucky to be offered. But that’s after a series of rigorous and demeaning interviews filled with nonsensical processes, such as competency based questions, like, ‘Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty in your previous role’ (Honest answer: Never, I am a mediocre employee. Interview Answer: I delivered my heavily pregnant boss’s child while still achieving my sales targets and saving everyone in the office from a fire, which isn’t true, but the reference I supplied you for my boss is actually going to be my drunk friend putting on her very best office voice, and she’ll verify my story).

Sadly, competency based questions are the best of a bad bunch. You might have to endure the embarrassment of a role play scenario in which the interviewer does an impression of a disgruntled client on the phone, to which you have to react to as if you worked there (Honest answer: I usually blame a co-worker and then cry, pretending my dog died that morning. Interview Answer: I’d sort it out efficiently, because repeat business and word-of-mouth is a cost-effective way to achieve growth, blah blah). I bet when you did the role play you made a fake phone shape with your right hand, you berk.

And what if, after all this shite, you get the bloody job and you have to actually start harassing people to sue their employer for a work-related injury as they could be entitled to compensation? That’s where the real fun begins; hoping a bus hits you on your way to work, praying a distant relative dies just so you can have a few hours off to pretend to go to their funeral, weeping on Sunday nights, developing a drinking problem and resenting your dependants for inadvertently making you arse-lick corporate scumbags. Bastards.

So this is why I’m nominating the current job market for Prick of the Week– it’s making lots of people miserable, stressed and unhappy, and until the economy recovers, it isn’t likely to change. But you can. Next time you hate your job, or you’re fucking sick to the back teeth of combing through depressing job vacancies, take it out on someone who caused this by sending a turd in a box to any major banking institution, get your granny to beat a politician with her handbag (old women never get arrested), or compensate yourself with a pay rise by stealing from your employer.

Job market- You are a prick.

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Five Tips To Help You Cope With Stress

From time to time, we all find ourselves feeling a little stressed out. When balancing work pressures, family life, academia, commitments, social life and hobbies, it is normal to feel stressed and unable to cope with the extensive schedules and huge expectations placed upon us today. If you are feeling tired, anxious, withdrawn, sad, or even physically ill, you may be living with stress.

But how do we get rid of these feelings? Unlike physical ailments, it is hard to recognise the need for treatment as symptoms are internal, and others around us cannot comprehend the urgency for change or recuperation, leading to many cases of chronic stress. In this case, there is a need to take yourself out of your current situation, re-evaluate your life, make changes, and start again– in an ideal world. Unfortunately, the majority of stress sufferers are unable to take this time out from their lives, and need time-efficient solutions to lower their stress levels. Here are a few ideas:

Drink Lots of Alcohol

Is it just a coincidence that most drunks are happy, fun types? And those who aren’t are just putting on a front to dissuade you from drinking, meaning more alcohol for them. Drinking an absolute bucketload of alcohol makes you a joy to be around, and your worries will melt away while you dance on a table like a big prostitute. Some people may even give you money to do this, helping you to save up for more alcohol. Remember- avoid a comedown by never ceasing to consume alcohol, as this will make you sad. And don’t worry about losing your job, house and kids, as homeless bums make excellent Christmas miracle stories in seasonal films- hello, new recession-proof career in Hollywood!

Get your Anger Out

Unleashing those demons can be a healthy move for those trying to cope with stress. However, the person (or situation) causing your stress is daunting enough to stress you out as it is- best not rock the boat by speaking to them. Therefore, take your anger out on loved ones or friends, who are probably really worried about you. Alleviate some of your guilt by telling them ‘they deserve it’ so they don’t realise that it’s all about you trying to drag them down to your own, pathetic level. They’ll probably start feeling shit about themselves, and your commitment to their wellbeing will help them be a better person. They’ll thank you later.

Talk About It

If you choose not to mentally abuse your loved ones, you could instead opt to let them in on the reasons you are feeling stressed. But as mentioned previously, it is difficult for others to empathise with a situation they cannot see for themselves, such as a physical ailment, unless they are a mental health professional. Therefore, it may be best to capture their attention with a punchy poem, song or rap about how you’re feeling (e.g. Worried about my mental health, Toyed with the idea of killing myself, Liked the idea of ending it all, But the kids need picked up from football etc. etc. ). Or if you aren’t musically minded, a nice spot of interpretive dance might do the trick.

Think More Positively

The power of positive thinking is grossly underestimated in today’s society- it can move mountains. Well, not really, but it’s pretty decent. For the majority of cases, stress is mind over matter and if you cannot take yourself out of a stressful situation, you can view it in a more positive light as an alternative. For example, if your job is stressing you out, think about your place of work burning to the ground while you laugh like an evil genuis in the car park. If your children are the problem, think about the point in their lives when they, like everyone else, realise that life is nothing but tattered dreams and broken promises. Bastards.

Take Responsibility

If you take responsibility for your stress, you effectively take back the power to change your feelings. You need to ask yourself what you did wrong, or better yet, ask others if they notice a pattern in your behaviour that always leads to the same feelings of stress (i.e. an inability to delegate or a constant need for attention). If you’re stressed about work, confront your boss off the clock so that you two have plenty of time to chat. Perhaps you could call to your boss’s house late at night with a baseball bat and start breaking windows while shouting, ‘What did I ever do to you?’ and weeping copiously. You’ll probably lose your job after this- two birds, one stone.

You’ll have all the time in the world to relax during your life sentence in prison.

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