Category Archives: tv

How To Extreme Coupon

'It makes me so happy!' cried a person who needs to look up 'happy' in the dictionary.

‘It makes me so happy!’ cried a person who needs to look up ‘happy’ in the dictionary.

Extreme Couponing is a popular trend stateside, comprising thrift, greed and consumerism and moulding it into thousands of stockpiles stashed in lower middle class basements of cunts called Marcey, Patti and Hank-Bob all across the US. Brought to you by the people who invented mom jeans, Home Alone 1 & 2 and Mario Lopez, the trend is the answer to the prayers of many in the US, who know that the economy is suffering because Maury has cut his paternity test budget, but still want to eat like fuck even though they could stand to lose a few hundred pounds.

If you don’t have any money but are willing to pay for a slow death via inner poisoning with your dignity, here’s how to Extreme Coupon:

Outcast

Before you even begin to think about spending your unemployed days clipping coupons from paper inserts you found through skip-hoaking, you need to ensure you are adequately outcasted from society so that the cashier that you eventually hand over your coupons to does not kick up a fuss incase you bite them and give them AIDs or some shit.

To be an outcast, you need to do something outrageous like bring your cat everywhere you go in a pram, or hoard every possession you’ve ever owned in your house, right down to keeping your turds in Tupperware in your shed. The more people question your sanity, the better.

cat-in-pram

Stockpile

You’ll need shelves to store your couponed items, which are usually a mixture of poor man’s Tampax, dried yakisoba and extra-thick toilet roll marketed towards people who have helper monkeys as ‘the only brand you’ll not get shitfinger with when you’re wiping your morbidly obese owners arsehole’.

Seeing as Extreme Couponers spend about twenty quid on their shopping over the course of their lifetime, you’d think that would free up some of their online bingo winnings income for a nice set of shelves. But oh no. Hotfoot, and by hotfoot, I mean steer your mobility scooter to your nearest Ikea, to block of a variety of aisles while you locate and purchase a dozen or so Splorgs (a.k.a. the cheapest shelves you can find). Erect these in your home by putting the cat in his playpen and moving your box of turds to somewhere more suitable, such as your kitchen table. Once the shelves are sorted, go back to googling ‘Khloe Kardashian paternity scandal’ and whatnot.

Cutting

Now comes the fun part*. Spend your gormless days clipping coupons for shit you don’t want, need or use to go into a folder that you’ve carefully put together as the response to all the haterz out there who say you can’t have children in your late fifties and its time to give up hope.

Publicising

Remember to hold up that queue, too!

Remember to hold up that queue, too!

As Extreme Couponing gets more popular, your ability to secure local press coverage of your plight increases the likelihood of your target shops allowing you to Extreme Coupon, as they get free publicity due to the fact you look like you haven’t washed since 2004 and everyone will buy the paper just to laugh at you. But you don’t care that you’re an outcast. One day, you’ll go back and knife them all to death when you’ve saved up enough coupons from Tesco’s knife-set-coupon-superdeal that they like to harass customers about at the checkout.

Going for Gold

As you weave your way around the supermarket on your scooter with a camera crew and four trolleys of absolute garbage in tow, shout things like ‘Couponing is my drug!’ to ensure that every other shopper wants to punch you in the face. Remember to erroneously assume their hostility is due to jealousy and not disdain.

Get to the checkout with all of your crap and hand over your coupons like a fucking Olympic champion- you’ve made it. Not only are you a shopping genius, but an organisational whiz and a mathematical marvel. Say that to the camera, maniacally.

bargain_0426d-Large

Now, go home and resume your empty, lonely life. Try not to kill yourself! Hooray- stuff.

*Warning: contains no fun.

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How To Make It Through An Episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

I’ve been a long-time supporter of mocking ‘How I Met Your Mother’, ever since the series 2 finale in which it became apparent that the programme is not a fleeting tale of  love in the Big Apple but instead, a fucking snore-fest desperately trying to make ‘fetch’ happen. Gretchen- it’s not going to happen.

If I was to meet Ted in the street, I would gleefully stab him to death with that yellow umbrella they dangle in front of us like a begging dog.

The only reason why I’m currently still watching was because I heard that Jason Segal, who plays Marshall, wanted to leave (who could blame him?) and I was hoping they’d kill him off. Slowly.

And before you think I’m a fussy viewer, let me tell you that I can’t wait for the launch of TLC tomorrow so that I can re-watch all of the first series of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, seeing as watching it on Youtube the first time round was difficult for me because I kept getting distracted by advertised clips for ‘Proof that Finchel is the Best Glee Couple Ever’ and ‘Mario Lopez Salsa Dancing’. In short, I’m too much of a moron to be fussy.

Anyways, here’s my top tips for surviving through an episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’:

Preparing for the Inevitable

Ted will not meet the mother in this episode. Brief yourself with that information before watching, because it’s never going to fucking happen.

Laughing at the Name ‘Cobie Smulders’

Cobie Smulders: Fuck Knows Why.

Cobie Smulders: Fuck Knows Why.

Get your kicks where you can. ‘Cobie’ and ‘Smulders’ are terrible names just as they stand, but added together is enough for you to muster up a small laugh that also doubles-up as a nasal exhale. Thanks for that, Cobie Smulders.

Watching the Demise of Jason Segel

One of the only things that makes watching repeats of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ bearable is enjoying the uglification of Marshall. Bet you never noticed it before- well, now you fucking will. Its all I can think about when he drags his motherfucking tired skank ass all over that clearly-fake New York City set. It’s kind of like when you know a female lead just had a baby in real life  and is still carrying the baby weight, but what the fuck is Jason Segel’s excuse? What was he carrying, massive twins that he had to have delivered by someone who accidentally shaved his hair into the same style as Ted from Scrubs? Fuck sake.

Jason Segel

Ted Mosby vs Ted Bundy

Spending the episode laughing at online wankers who post on the ‘How I Met Your Mother’ will certainly make the 23-minutes of hell plus 7 minutes of slightly-less-hellish Wink Bingo and Tena Lady advertisements go a little bit faster. My favourite HIMYM-related past time is going on to the ‘I Love Ted’ sub-forum and making comparisons between Ted Mosby and his bad-boy serial killer namesake, Ted Bundy. People get really pissed off when you suggest that Ted met the mother when she was being beheaded by him for his corpse-basement collection.

Suit up, Ted! Seriously, because you're in court today on account of raping and killing loads of women.

Suit up, Ted! Seriously, because you’re in court today on account of raping and killing loads of women.

Turn Off the TV

And don’t worry, because you aren’t going to miss a thing. Well, aside from Ted living out the lyrics of ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ by Michael Buble in the shittest sense that this concept could possibly achieve, and meeting the mother in the end who is sure to be played by someone equally as bland as the rest of the cast (Neil Patrick Harris included, who loses maximum cool-points for being in a relationship with David Burtka and is, therefore, annoying by association). My guess is Malin Akerman.

But I’m going to tell the ‘I Love Ted’ forumites that I bet Ted’s other half is the character that plays Ted’s daughter, who is actually sitting in his sex dungeon listening to the tale of how Ted met her own mother and told her that he was holding her daughter captive and forcing her to carry his children against her will as part of the sequel, ‘How I Strangled Your Mother Before She Could Go To The Police’. Just to give them something to complain about.

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Where Are They Now… The Cast of Saved By The Bell

Back in the early ’90s, they were the coolest kids on the planet and started many a trend, including turning a chair backwards to sit on it and… erm, those red basket for chips that Americans seem to like. But what are the cast of Saved By The Bell up to nowadays? Did they get to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by, or was it alright because it was saved by the bell? Etc. Here’s the current scoop on the cast:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris)

After finding fame as Zack Morris, a preppy jokester with the ability to call ‘time out’ and effectively stop time, Gosselaar failed to achieved the same level of success in roles post-SBTB. But that’s alright, because now Gosselaar uses his time-stopping ability to spend his days spontaneously stopping time and wrecking havoc. ‘I’ll call ‘Time Out’ and go into nightclubs, grope a few women, spike a few drinks- the usual. But it’s not all bad- sometimes I just call ‘Time Out’ and go out in public where I can shout ‘I was the Zack Morris’ without public scorn‘, he recently confessed. To police. In connection to a rape allegation.

Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski)

Thisessen portrayed All-American girl, Kelly Kapowski, in the hit show- an iconic character that was the first love of many teens of the early ’90s. And Thiessen knows all too well that there is huge public demand for her to reprise her role. ‘I’m certain that, someday soon, I’m going to get the call telling me that Kelly’s getting her own spin-off show, so until that day, I wake up and ‘be’ Kelly all day long,’ she laughs. ‘It’s a tough task- I listen to George Michael and pretend that he’s still heterosexual, which is a full-time job on it’s own. I spend hours on the phone pretending to gossip with Lisa Turtle. And I’ve even had to get hairplugs from coiffing my fringe into an ’80’s do for the past 30 years. But it will all be worth it when I get my own show. Sorry, did I just foam at the mouth?‘ Keep living the dream, Tiff!

Dustin Diamond (Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers)

Screech was the sort of lovable High School weirdo who, if his character was a real person, would have probably cracked under the pressure and shot up the school cafeteria one day after listening to a Marilyn Manson song. Luckily, he’s just a character. But Dustin Diamond, who played Screech, is also the type of person to go on a shooting rampage- if he had the balls to do it, which he doesn’t. However, Diamond has had the balls to pen a ‘tell-all’ book about the seedy behind-the-scenes scandals of SBTB, which not only contains heavy use of the word ‘douchenozzle’, but also claims that Diamond has slept with over 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland, and that he had an affair with his SBTB TV exec boss- who died in 2003 and therefore, isn’t able to furiously deny his claims. And the most hilarious bit about this is that I didn’t have to make any of it up.

Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater)

A.C. Slater was the ultimate high school jock who inexplicably spent his days hanging around with Screech, when in reality, their positions at opposite ends of the social spectrum meant that they would only have interacted in the gym showers when conducting a secret affair. In real life, Mario- real name Cecil Tweedstamps– has spent his days post-SBTB trying to re-invent himself as a TV presenter, fronting quality shows such as an hour-long, weekly show in which members of the public bring their pets on to the stage and command them to do tricks while the pet stares blankly ahead, clearly upset by the cameras. ‘I love presenting Petstar!Mario exclaims. ‘It’s a cross between watching paint dry, and someone pissing on your chips.’

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle)

Shy Lark played Lisa Turtle– fashionista and future person who looks back at photos of her clothing and says, ‘What the fuck was I thinking?‘ As the saying goes, Lark wears many hats in the entertainment biz, and while this usually refers to someone who works in many different areas of the business, Lark just wears lots of hats. ‘Sometimes I wear bowler hats, other times I might wear a beanie hat. When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll wear a fascinator and pretend I’m going to a wedding. But at the minute, I’m wearing a lot of baseball hats as I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. I don’t know what happened- one minute, I’m going about my business, the next, I find myself in a stranger’s bed and Mark-Paul Gosselaar is being questioned by the police,‘ she cries.

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano)

While Jessie Spano was always on a crusade for equal rights, her character loved a bit of male attention and she was known for her tight jeans as much as her half-arsed feminist pontification. While Elizabeth’s acting roles since SBTB, a wealth of stripper characters, would leave Jessie Spano outwardly horrified but secretly pleased about the male attention, she uses her free time to paint and create art. In fact, her painting was the muse behind the song  ‘Jessie Paints a Picture’. ‘I’ll paint anything- family portraits, nature, whatever you want. The paintings are $30, and two for 50- but for you, I’ll do them for $45. I’ll only do nudes if you wear a pair of paper-pants, and I’ll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks,’ she said in a recent interview. ‘Just pop your clothes over on the chair’.

Time out.

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Where Are They Now… The Cast of Sex and the City

It seems like eons since Sex and the City graced our TV screens, but that’s only because since the series ended, we’ve been subjected to two Sex and the City films that were so bad they altered the speed of time.

At the time of it’s conception, Sex and the City was considered revolutionary- for the first time, women were being depicted as in control, unapologetic for being sexually adventurous and disinterested in the ‘fairytale ending’ hoped for by the majority of female protagonists before them. Which is why they all ended up in committed relationships when the series ended. Funny that.

But where are the beloved stars of Sex and the City today? After extensive research, here’s an update on the four women that you, at some point, have asked yourself, ‘What the fuck does he see in her?’ about.

Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie Bradshaw)

After being the muse for many individuals opting for a life of celebacy following her portrayal of whiny woman-child, Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica took a sabbatical from acting to focus on being papped while doing artsy things and pretending she was a bit bohemian when really she’s just a pain in the arse. When studies suggested that upper middle class, white women who need to be applauded for raising a child that they are responsible for with the help of a nanny were under-represented in cinema today, SJP made her comeback in I Don’t Know How She Does It. The film was given rave reviews worldwide, especially in Zimbabwe where many locals agreed that, even though 20% of the country’s population is suffering with AIDs and life expectancy averages 35, American women who juggle a highly-paid job, a rich husband and a well-behaved child are ‘miracle workers’. ‘I don’t know how she does it!‘ laughed one local, who was on her way to bury her 28 year old grandmother. Keep flying the flag, Sarah Jessica!

Cynthia Nixon (Miranda Hobbes)

Down-to-earth Miranda was the least glamorous of the group and with her intolerance for bullshit, it’s surprising that her character didn’t tell the others to ‘fuck off and stop creating problems’ throughout the show’s span. However, due to the prevalence of offence taken by women when they are compared to Miranda by their friends, Cynthia Nixon now travels the world as a public speaker for the charity, Women Against Being Like Miranda, in which she delivers motivational seminars on fighting the urge to adopt a cat, the art of settling for a partner just so you don’t feel lonely, and the merits of dressing femininely even though it makes you feel like a ‘whore’.

Kristen Davis (Charlotte York)

Serial desperado, Charlotte, was an optimistic romantic, and arguably the person whom most would pick if you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island with one of the characters from Sex and the City, death not being an option. Many fans were shocked when it emerged during Sex and the City’s heyday that Kristen is a recovering alcoholic, as she adopts a ‘good girl’ image. However, while Kristen can’t enjoy a tipple anymore, she still likes to spend time with her alcoholic friends and continues to enjoy many of the activities that they did while drinking. ‘I don’t limit myself to things just because I’ve stopped drinking’, says the raven haired beauty, ‘I still like to sit for days on park benches slurring abuse at families, I love to spend my Saturdays stashing mini-bottles of vodka all over my house and I’ve been known to drop by at a family wedding or two just to heckle the bride and groom, then piss myself in a corner at the reception.‘ A gal after our own heart!

Kim Cattrall (Samantha Jones)

Walking STD, Samantha Jones, represents self-elected strong, independant women everywhere who don’t realise the irony in using sex to validate themselves. In reality, Kim Cattrall capitalised massively on her character’s tri-sexuality, writing a ‘how-to’ sex book with her then husband, Sleazy McRapistpants, after which they seperated, possibly due to smugness. Since then, Kim has made no secret of her ‘black sheep’ status of the group, saying, ‘I’m the sort of person people cross the street to avoid, and I’m still more likeable than those other three bitches’. Currently, Kim is rumoured to be set to star in the sequel to her 80’s hit, Mannequin. Mannequin 2: An Oldie But A Goodie, depicts the tale of a lonely bloomer mannequin in an underwear shop for ‘mature’ women who gets molested by an ageing stockboy suffering from a shy bladder. Sounds like it’ll be a blockbuster!

For these gals, the sky is the limit. Yes.

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Prick of the Week- Geordie Shore

After watching the first episode of MTV’s Geordie Shore- Chaos in Cancun on Tuesday night, I can only assume that the producers advertised recruitment for the show as ‘Are you a failed abortion with no job or future? Do you like saying the word ‘Bantah’ a lot, but have absolutely no idea that banter doesn’t mean having sex with strangers on camera that is played back to the general public in nightvision while they laugh at you? Were you facing a life of robbing to subsidise your benefits for learning difficulties? Well then, apply to Geordie Shore today, and start your new life as a glorified porn star who is paid to slither around the VIP section of low-rent nightclubs!’

Admittedly, I watch the show so this is entirely hypocritical of me. But I’d watch anything, so that doesn’t say much. There was a time when Geordie Shore was once funny, some of the characters were even *slightly* endearing, but, like every reality show nowadays, the characters have got wise on how to build up an ’empire’ (I’m using ’empire’ in the loosest possible sense here), and the show has become massively contrived and awkward.

Take baby-voiced, arm flailing, towel-as-daywearing, Charlotte and bitchy Lego man, Gary. I am fucking sick to the back teeth of looking at these two gimps as they act out the sort of on-again off-again relationship that would have Katie Price saying, ‘Enough is enough. This bullshit isn’t worth the coverage in Heat magazine’.

Gary’s wingman is Jay, the perfect posterchild for a campaign to adopt capital punishment in the UK, with the slogan, ‘Who cares if a few innocent men are convicted wrongly and die? It’ll be alreet, pet.’ 

On the outskirts of this nonce-fest is Sophie, a lesser wanker than the others, but a wanker none-the-less. Sophie has left behind boyfriend Joel, basically an uglier-faced Ken doll with a very prominent steroid-addiction, to go to Cancun. Lucky her.

But sadly, these four are the most likable of the cast. My least favourite is James– a poor man’s Anthony Hutton who makes me want to invent a time machine just so I can go back to the time of his conception and stop his mother from downing those rohypnol-laced lagers and beg his father to stop raping women in the back alley of the pub. His treatment of Holly, a girl with daddy issues so severe, the entire live-in community of the Playboy mansion is currently sending her a ‘Thinking of You During this Difficult Time’ card, is abysmal, but hey- that’s just the power of the combover. Holly is best friends by default with Rebecca, Newcastle’s answer to Olive Oyl from Popeye, if Olive Oyl was a massive tart.

In the midst of this pack of abysmal cunts is Ricci and Vicky, Newcastle’s equivalent to a more-unlikable Fred and Rost West. Both are underlying serial killers- Vicky’s uncontrollable rage, egoism and relentless bullying simmering at the edges, coupled with Ricci’s arrogant bastardism, coloured Ray-Ban favouring and general drunk dickheadness make for the sort of concoction that would make the majority of the general public turn a blind eye if a terrorist attack occurred in the Newcastle Upon Tyne area.

So now the ‘gang’ are in Cancun, ready to slime around the place, spreading AIDs all over everything in Mexico and getting on it like a car bonnet. Mexico is famed for being the murder capital of the world, but it is assured that Cancun is a very safe place for tourists to holiday with absolutely no threat of murder. Pity that.

Geordie Shore– fuck you.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Cheryl Cole

Darling and alumni of talent shows that have a clear misunderstanding of the word ‘talent’, Cheryl Cole, is a modern-day rags to riches story. For those of you who are unfamiliar with stars that adorn the front pages of every tabloid that aspires to climb up the paper social-ladder and one day achieve toilet roll status, Cheryl Cole (then Tweedy) won a place in Girls Aloud after appearing on Popstars: The Rivals, and has risen to superstardom with her own glittering solo career. Here’s ten things you never knew about Cheryl, pop princess of our time.

1. Cheryl hails from Newcastle Upon Tyne and is very proud of her Geordie roots. However, she has never met Jimmy Nail and will bite you if you mention him to her.

2. Cheryl’s debut performance on television involved her singing a rendition of ‘Have You Ever’ by S Club 7, a song she holds close to her heart. ‘It’s poetry in it’s truest form, alreet?’ snarls the star, menacingly. This is well-known to be a touchy subject for the singer, as she would have preferred to sing 19 by Paul Hardcastle but was prohibited to use the song by Popstars: The Rivals producers, citing that the majority of viewers are ‘practically Nazis’.

3. Back in 2003, a young Cheryl nearly lost everything by being involved in an alleged racial attack, a detail that she vehemently denies. ‘I’m no racist, man. I don’t reserve hatred for different races or colours, I fuckin’ hate everyone. I hate you, I hate your mam and I fuckin’ hope your dog gets knocked down. I’d punch you in that nightclub whether you were white, black or fuckin’ stripey.’

4. As part of Girls Aloud, Cheryl released hits like ‘Sound of the Underground’ and ‘Love Machine’– controversially admitting once that she wasn’t a fan of the pop music the band churned out, preferring R&B. Today, Cheryl has pursued her love of R&B by saying that her solo music, such as latest offering ‘Call My Name’, now falls into the R&B category, even though it’s clearly still pop. Each to their own.

5. Cheryl treasures family above all else and maintains a relationship with her siblings despite the fact that they make the television programme Shameless look like Keeping Up Appearances. However, leading analysts argue that Cheryl’s relationship with her gluesniffing, petty criminal family makes her look like less of a racist sumbag by comparison.

6. The same can be said for her relationship with absolutely abysmal human being, Ashley Cole. When her marriage to Ashley broke down amidst cheating rumours, Cheryl capitalised on the public sympathy and everyone forgot that she was a racist and had formerly spent her entire career span doing little other than bitching about minor celebrities to the News of the World.

7. Prior to her marriage breakdown, Cheryl was keen to distance herself from being perceived as a typical ‘Footballer’s Wife’. However, she neglected to realised that she was married to a footballer, and that her job largely involved appearing on Ant and Dec’s various zany Saturday night TV offerings in a Von Dutch trucker hat and a pair of hotpants, inaccurately miming the words to ‘No Good Advice’– making her Queen of the Footballers’ Wives. Colleen McLoughlin seethes.

8. Cheryl says that her marriage breakdown left her unable to trust people, admitting that her dogs and mother, Joan Callaghan, are her best friends. The representatives acting on behalf of Cheryl’s dogs and Joan Callaghan deny this.

9. After meeting during the filming for The Passions of Girls Aloud, Cheryl and Black Eyed Peas frontman, Will.I.Am have become good friends. It has been widely reported that the two have had a tryst in the past, but this is unlikely given Cheryl’s racist tendencies.

10. While Cheryl is currently embarking on a solo career of miming along to generic pop songs and dancing like a transvestite puppet going to a pyjama party, there are plans for Girls Aloud to regroup at the end of 2012 for one last tour. While nothing has been confirmed yet, the tour theme is rumoured to be ‘Tacky Hen Night’. ‘I don’t want to give anything away’, says Cheryl, ‘but if you think people suffering from dwarfism are funny, and you love to see them dressed up as Hobbits and Smurfs, then get your ticket in now!‘ A logistics representative for Poundland said that child sweatshop workers are currently toiling day and night to meet future demand for ‘penis straws and other tat’.

You go, girl! Join us soon for another edition of Ten Things You Never Knew…, when we’ll be making up uncovering the truth behind another mediocre glamorous celebrity!

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How To Be A Reality Star

Reality television is a very popular format upon which many current stars were born, and with legitimate career opportunities at an all-time low, coupled with the amount of human fuckwits at an all time high, there has never been a better time for people with absolutely no shame to break into the exciting world of reality TV. Here’s how you can do it in five easy steps:

Be The Architect of Your Own Fuckwittery

Unfortunately, they don’t just let anyone star on reality television- you must be exceptional in your field, and should represent yourself as so. Look at reality TV greats of yesteryear: Frankie Cocozza, The Situation, Amy Childs, etc. What do they all have in common? That’s right, they are all cunts.

Therefore, after decking yourself out with a suitably detestable name (e.g The Lord, Shabba or RapeBoi) play about with cunty catchphrases (e.g ‘That’s funkypigeon dot com’, ‘Merp’ or ‘Less of the argy-bargy!’), wanky haircuts, racist tattoos, fake-designer clothing, and perhaps even a signature dance move like the little one from JLS who looks like zombified Michael Jackson in the video for Thriller. He fairly sings for his supper, bless him. In the end, your persona should be attractive enough for teenaged girls to stop picking fudge out of their braces long enough to try to get ‘The Lord is our shepherd, there is nothing I shall want’ trending on Twitter, but not attractive to the point that under-aged fans will be tempted to sell details of sleeping with you to the papers.

Be Fussy

When choosing your fame platform, don’t just sign up to any old show- be fussy and pick ones that will showcase you in the right way. If you have zero talent and are a generally worthless human being, why not sign up to appear on Big Brother, where all you need to get accepted are daddy issues, an eating disorder and a rampant STD (make sure you tick the ‘not fully blown AIDs yet’ box, as then you’ll still be allowed in the hot-tub).

If your talent is being pretty or having ‘swag’, then you could probably make it to the bootcamp stage of X Factor, in which you’ll most likely be lumped into to a band with four other interchangeable versions of yourself as a lifeline. Remember to practise your surprised face for when Simon Cowell announces this development in slow-motion against a soundtrack of Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Finally, if you have a sense of self-worth but are not overly good-looking, you’ll probably not make it in the glamourous world of reality TV. Best dropping out now and leaving it to the pros, hos and schmos, yeah?

Strategise

Any reality star worth their salt-diluted cocaine knows that one does not merely ‘make it’ in the world of celebrity. Fame costs- and right here is where you start payin’ in the currency of humiliation, parental shame and the threat of going to hell. Believe it or not, some of the most famous reality stars strategised their rise to fame; who knew the participants of Big Brother have a ‘game plan’? Not me! There are many ways to do this but the quickest route is ‘Sleep with a co-star, fake a pregnancy scare, don’t take a pregnancy test straight away because you’re ‘trying to figure out how you feel’, tell the potential father, potential father asks ‘Is it mine?’, you run away crying, potential father comes after you to apologise and say he’ll do his best to raise the baby, you and potential father make a go of it for a day, take a pregnancy test, pregnancy test negative, break up a week later, selling story to Daily Star entitled ‘My pregnancy scare hell with Zippy from Big Brother 17- How A Lucky Escape Saved Me and My Unborn Non-Child’. Popty ping- instant fame.

Partner Up With A Mate

When acquired, the best way to heighten your fame is to pool it with another mediocre reality star and ponce about town together, getting ‘papped’ doing futile things like shopping for your worthless selves and generally being a posterchild for capital punishment. Partnering up has many other advantages, such as throwing a spanner in the works to prolong being ‘outed’ by the press (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian), providing a ruse against the universal suspicion that you are asexual (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian) and facilitating some much needed company at night when you would have otherwise just spent your time alone, at home, ugly-crying and tweeting pictures of yourself in your sunglasses and underwear to your fans (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian).

Of course, you can also increase your headlines three-fold by deciding to have a child with your fellow reality star, perhaps snagging you a maternity line for Argos and an exclusive feature in OK! magazine when the poor bastard is born. However, it is important to note that, unlike in mathematics, two negatives do not make a positive; your child is likely to be a clinically-diagnosed imbecile. But hey, that just means you’ll be nominated for Wink Bingo’s Parent of the Year. Score!

Diversify Your Brand

Sadly, your five minutes must come to an end at some stage- but you can diversify your brand to prolong your fame and refresh your current image. If you’ve followed the above steps and your show was cancelled, you’ve had the baby and you’ve broke up with your partner, now is the time to diversify into new markets, such as taking loads of drugs in a seedy nightclub, becoming gay, getting diabetes or being ‘horrified’ by a ‘leaked’ sex tape. You could also take it one step further and die, as there are many new, untouched opportunities in this industry for reality stars, such as coffin-endorsements, memorial plates and then, of course, a reality show that writes itself as you star in your own journey to the afterlife.

And finally, shine on, stars of tomorrow!

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Where Are They Now- The Cast of Friends

They made us roar with laughter back in the ’90s, and laugh slightly more modestly in endless repeats nowadays- the cast of Friends was a match made in heaven. But where have our six favourite stars gone, and what are they doing now?

Jennifer Aniston (Rachel)

Darling of Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston planned on spending more time with her husband, Brad Pitt when the series finished, but creature of the night, Angelina Jolie had other plans- luring Brad away with the promise of an indie-beard and a shared air of whimsy. And what does any newly-divorced gal need? Friends, of course. But not the cast of Friends, oh no. ‘Those bastards have been riding on my coattails for years. I would fake my own death if I thought they’d stop calling me, but I know David Schwimmer would try to dig up my corpse so that he could re-enact the glory days of Ross and Rachel. He makes me sick’, says the siren of TV and infinite-time slightly bohemian movie protagonist who figures herself out at the end of the film thanks to the quirks of Vince Vaughn.

David Schwimmer (Ross)

Pretentious geeky arsehole, David Schwimmer has been likened to his on-screen personality, Ross Gellar, for being ‘a bit of a dick’ and ‘a potential serial killer’. Unfortunately, David has had little success after Friends, his awkward face and general greasiness cited as the reason for his lack of acting jobs, and is currently working on building a time machine with which he can go back in time to precede the statute of limitations to sexually assault women while escaping trial in the present day. ‘I’m doing it to get back at every woman who laughed at me. What do you think of my predatory catchphrase, ”It hasnt been your day, your week, your month or even your year, bitch”. I’ll show them- I’ll show them all’. We wish you all the best, David!

Courteney Cox (Monica)

Although no-one believed it would be possible, Courteney Cox has lost quite a bit of weight since Friends ended and looks like a parody of her former self. Currently starring on forced-fun-fest, Cougar Town, Courteney’s character promises to mirror her own personal life, in that people expect her to be like Monica, but after spending time with her, realise she is less likeable. Socially, Courteney enjoys spending time with former co-star, Jennifer Aniston, and when she’s alone, Courteney also likes knitting ragdoll versions of Jennifer Aniston, cutting their heads off, shitting down their necks, and posting them to Jennifer Aniston’s house anonymously, with a note saying, ‘It should have been me, you slaaaagggg’. 

Matthew Perry (Chandler)

Ticking-time bomb, Matthew Perry, was the black sheep of the group during Friends’ heyday, reportedly addicted to prescription painkillers which he later kicked prior to the series ending. However, Matthew has fallen back off the wagon and sadly, due to only being offered roles as a ‘lovable corporate scumbag who changes for the better at the end of the made-for-TV movie, because sometimes, dammit, life just gets in the way’, he graduated to harder substance abuse, saying, ‘Sometimes I need more hardcore stuff, like a paracetamol stuck to a women’s contraceptive pill, dissolvable headache tablets not diluted with water, a tampon dipped in children’s cough medicine or, when I’m feeling really low, a whole bottle of St. John’s Wort’. Party on, Matthew!

Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe)

Kooky buffoon, Phoebe Buffay, was a free-spirited sort, but in real life, Lisa Kudrow is a different kind of spiritual. ‘I practise Nazism- heil Hitler’, says the star, before shoving a small child and walking off. Little else is known about Kudrow’s personal life, other than she ‘always votes National Socialist German Worker’s Party, when it isn’t even offered on the voting ballot’ and she ‘only agreed to sing Smelly Cat on the show if the writers admitted to her that it was actually a metaphor for Antisemitism’.

Matt Le Blanc (Joey)

Village idiot and unbelievable moron, Joey Tribbiani, was portrayed by desperately-seeking-solace Matt Le Blanc, who signed on to revive his character in the mysteriously named ‘Joey’ after Friends ended. However, after the viewing public’s pity ran out, ‘Joey’ was cancelled, leaving Matt with time on his hands to fullfil his childhood ambition to be astronaut. Unfortunately, Matt score was a record-low on NASA’s qualifying test, certifying him as ‘too dumb to be doing this test in a serious capacity’, but after converting his shed into a makeshift solar-system, Le Blanc spends his days pretending he is in outer space anyway, by ‘sitting on an office chair’. And his space adventure has brought him and his co-stars together, saying that David Schwimmer helps to keep sunlight out of the shed with the darkness of his dreams, Matthew Perry occasionally calls by to borrow money to go on a ‘using spree’ round Holland & Barrett, and Jennifer Aniston’s assistant once sent him a ‘With Deepest Sympathy’ card with a signed picture of Jen for his shed-wall. ‘I’m waiting for that beanpole, Courteney Cox to slip through one of the cracks in my sanity’, laughs the star. Keep living the dream, Matt!

So no-one told us their lives were going to be this way, but gee, could their lives be anymore great?! Well done to the cast of Friends for being an inspiration to us all, keep up the good work!

Where Are They Now will be back next week with an ever-true, accurately researched new group of stars to keep you in the know!

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The Cast of The Hills- Where Are They Now?

‘It’s been two years since MTV had any decent programming!’ is the cry of many people worldwide who don’t understand the meaning of the words ‘two’, ‘decent’ and ‘programming’. Of course, they are referring to the departure of popular-among-the-braindead-and-the-long-term-imprisoned gem ‘The Hills’, a reality show and very long advertisement for the legitimacy of gun possession in the USA.

Shockingly, since the show ended there has been little about the cast in the media, and many people who work from home in the sexline industry inquire as to the whereabouts of the cast now, citing that this would help them go to their happy place during work. Bless. For those among us who care, I have done some research and can now present, ‘The Cast of The Hills- Where are They Now?’

Lauren Conrad

After Lauren bowed out ‘gracefully’ in the penultimate series, she tried her hand at the glamourous world of fashion, establishing her own business. She balances hiring her mouth out as a wire hanger whilst moonlight as a mannequin. ‘After The Hills ended, I didn’t know what I would do’, explains the star, ‘but as people kept pointing out, my dead eyes, lack of thoughts and general vapidness are a perfect fit for the glitzy world of being a mannequin! And I’ve been molested by the public four times, which I see as a compliment’. Go, girl!

Workaholic Lauren on the job:

Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Resident villains, Heidi and Spencer, loved to cause drama in the glamourous Hollywood show- or rather, read out their lines that just happened to create a stir. But in reality, they are a tale of heartbreak and sadness, for after Spencer was brutally murdered by a gang of rabid wolves who were ‘Team Conrad’, Heidi fled to obscurity in fear of her life, reportedly living in a rural location, and is almost reclusive except for her occasional use of a tiny machine in which she liaises with the press via morse code. ‘Long dot, short dot, short dot, pause, Awesome Nose Job!’, communicates the star.

Spencer During Happier Times (R.I.P.)

Audrina Patridge

Most people who give a fuck (five to be exact) say that after Audrina’s reality show, titled ‘Audrina’ (‘I chose the show’s name myself’, says Audrina, ‘by fusing together the names of my two favourite things- Audrey Hepburn and ballerinas in general’), was cancelled, she disappeared off the face of earth. However, they don’t realise how right they are- Audrina has recently joined Nasa’s Whores in Space project, in which they have teamed up with Hugh Heffner to diversify the sex industry to our solar neighbours.

Brody Jenner

Brody Jenner was best known for being a lovable lothario during the latter episodes of The Hills, and nothing much has changed- he is currently facing life imprisonment for performing a lude act on the mannequin formerly known as Lauren Conrad during one of her shifts. ‘This is my only phonecall’, says the hunk with a heart, ‘can you do me a favour and see if any TV networks want to buy my new series- ‘Jailtime Jenner’– it’s a talkshow, in which I interview criminal dudes and get raped in the showers a lot?‘ We predict big things for this guy!

Lo Bosworth

Just like in The Hills, Lo and Lauren are still the best of friends. When we caught up with Lo, she was ravaging through a bin outside the lingerie shop where Conrad works as a mannequin. ‘I’m always one step behind Lauren, just like old times! Can you spare a dollar for the bus?’ she muses. Good times.

So there you have it, folks. They may not be on our screens anymore, but at least our favourite stars are living large in lady Hollywood. And just like their lines when the series was prematurely cancelled, the rest is still unwritten. Keep living the dream, cool cats!

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How I Met Your Mother- Will You Ever Tell Us, Ted?!?

Is it just me or is this story being dragged out more than the entire cast of Ru Paul’s Drag Race?

I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother since the beginning; I’ve roared with laughter at Barney’s various ‘Suit Up’ quips, smiled fondly at said ‘Suit Up’ quips being recycled occasionally, and eventually got bored of the same ‘Suit Up’ quips that circulate endlessly around the How I Met Your Mother writing staff, who, at this stage, I imagine have all died of boredom while sneakily playing a tape recorded speel of themselves saying, ‘I Know! How about we write an episode about Marshall being tempted to sell out to corporatism but eventually opts to do the right thing. That’ll stun our audience of humourless trolls and others who have invested too much time in watching this show to give up now’.

I am in the latter group of poor, tired souls who don’t really care anymore. I don’t care about Barney and his scumbaggery towards the hapless prostitutes he entertains. I don’t care about Marshall and Lily and their annoying relationship of mutual support set against a backdrop of a Smashmouth album, a beer keg and other Americana that their host network really needs to pay the writers of American Pie royalties for unashamedly poaching. I don’t care about Robin, with her stupid gum-grin and her cries of ‘I hate children and marriage!’ which, if you listen closely enough, nearly disguise the sound of her uterus weeping. And above all else, I seriously don’t give a fuck about Ted (I have always found him intolerable), and his pretentious, needy existence. Anyone who can be summed up as ‘this generation’s Ross from Friends’ is a cunt in my book.

So now I’m hanging on with my immaculate fingernails (unbitten due to lack of suspense in the last four series’) to see how he finally meets the mother. My guess is that she isn’t Robin (he refers to her when conversing with his children as ‘Aunt Robin’, although this can be miraculously explained away by lots of How I Met Your Mother Conspiracy Theorists/The long-term unemployed, or any other the other 2-dimensional women he bores to death on his purposely-quirky dates. I think the mother will be a supercilious snob whose kookiness is the only thing that surpasses her clear intent to appear scatterbrained and ‘interesting’. Basically, Zooey Deschanel’s character in New Girl, but with a different name. Maybe- if the writers can be arsed.

Whoever she is, good luck to her. With all the forced fun to bear, she’ll need it.

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