Last week, after a lifetime of turning my nose up at other people for doing so, I went to the shop in my pyjamas. It wasn’t what I was expecting it to be- having spent my life worrying about the opinions of others, doing something so depressingly tramp-like made me feel drunk with freedom. Now I’m worried that once I’ve went slack, I’ll never go back. To dressing like a proper person, or humanity.
Anyways, this month’s exercise move is brought to you by both Kerry Katona and grim frozen-food chain, Iceland, and is called ‘Going Shopping in Your Pyjamas’. It comprises cardiovascular activity, and a hefty core workout as you desperately try to find your soul buried somewhere underneath those layers of scum.
After warming up your body by watching Jeremy Kyle USA and chain smoking, peel yourself from the sofa. Immediately, you should start to feel the burn in your legs as you bend to lift the copy of TV Quick that fell off your lap as you got up. Tone those legs as you karate-kick your Homer Simpson face slippers that you bought in the Debenhams January Sale ’98 off your feet, and slip into a version of non-brandname Crocs.
Work those biceps as you toss some fake tan on your face, ensuring you smear it all down the neckline of your pyjamas to make sure you look super-unclean. Star-jump towards the door and off you go. If you want to really tone those arms, lift a box of cigarettes and your lighter on your way out, and swing your arms as you walk to really get the most from your workout.
Arrive at your local supermarket, ensuring that, having decided to travel the four-minute journey by car, you park over two disabled parking bays. Alight your car and feel the burn in your cheeks as others look at you judgementally for being a total dick. Push those pelvic muscles to the limit as you do the obligatory ‘pretending to have a gammy leg’ routine, and push through that shame-sweat by lighting up a cigarette and trying not to cry.
Here’s where your cardio really begins. Enter the supermarket, walking round at a leisurely pace, ensure you block off entire aisles with your shopping trolley. Use your trolley’s force against you, maximising your workout by stocking up on Findus Crispy Pancakes and Potnoodles to eat at Bingo. Strengthen those neck muscles by scowling at anyone who looks at you with disgust.
Loading the contents of your trolley into your car, do 20 repetitions of arm curls as you chain-smoke as much as possible. Driving off, work out your core as you give onlookers a big snarl-face, and when overhearing a child squealing, ‘Mummy, look- a fully grown woman in her pyjamas! In public!‘, strenghten your core by giving him the finger, and shouting, ‘There’s no Santa!‘.
With all that cardiovascular activity of walking at a snail’s pace around your local Asda, you’ve burnt off five calories. Work out your forehead muscles as you look confused while you decide whether you should treat yourself to some McNuggets or a Big Mac Meal with extra lard. After working out your forehead muscles, you opt for both.
Park and eat your food. Push yourself like a warrior after realising they forgot the extra sauce you asked for, meaning you have to actually walk into the store to get it yourself. Feel the fat just melt away as you sweat with the embarrassment of hearing people snigger at you and film your pyjama-clad sauce-seeking with their phones. Bastards.
Work out those obliques as you climb back into your car and drive home, just in time for Loose Women.
Finish strong as you propel your shopping into the kitchen, grabbing a copy of The Sun to mull over and eventually use as an ashtray. Feel the burn in your lungs as you use your cigarette smoke to edge closer to an untimely cancerous death. Eventually, take your heart down to resting level by sitting down and watching an old episode of Coach Trip.
And, rest! Great workout, everyone.