Tag Archives: Beyonce

Ten Things You Never Knew About… Beyonce

Beyonce Knowles took the world by storm as part of ho-quartet, Destiny’s Child, back in 1998 and has never looked back since. As famous for her curves as she is her singing talent, Beyonce is a music icon, and arguably the most famous woman of her generation. But what do we not know about the singing sensation that has dominated the music industry for the past decade? Here’s the lowdown, with ten things you never knew about Beyonce.

1. Beyonce Knowles was born in Stoke-on-Trent to parents, Destiny-Marie ‘Bike’ Brown and Wayne-Paul ‘Smackhead’ White. But the star didn’t stay in Stoke for long, as she was given up for adoption to a couple in Texas- in return, her birth parents got an undisclosed sum, the exact details of which are unknown but rumoured to be ‘some smack money and 100% of the proceeds for selling their story to Take A Break magazine when Beyonce hits the big time’.

2. Beyonce’s adoptive parents, Tina and Matthew Knowles raised their prized cash-cow in Texas, and honed the young star for fame as soon as she was out of nappies. ‘Beyonce was that girl in school who juggled a violin, art case and her P.E. kit as her parents were aspirational middle class-types,’ says a classmate. ‘We used to call her Poncey Beyonce, and then she’d cry in the toilets’. Good times.

3. Despite her strict unbringing, Beyonce is known to reminisce fondly about her childhood, saying that she and her father would enjoy some father-daughter bonding by standing on street-corners in downtown Dallas, Beyonce singing Motown hits and her father threatening that ‘Santa won’t come if you don’t hit the high notes’.

4. Beyonce’s mother is a highly-driven dressmaker, recently finding fame as Thelma Madine from Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

5. Those big garish creations favoured by young brides of the travelling community aren’t the only people who enjoy Beyonce’s mothers talents, as Beyonce herself is usually wearing a Tina Knowles special. The two have even recently paired up to create House of Dereon, a clothing line aimed at people with too much money and not enough shame. ‘I don’t have the heart to tell my mother that her stuff looks a bit tacky,’ explains the star.

6. But Tina Knowles is thick-skinned, after Beyonce named the band that made her a star, Destiny’s Child, giving a nod to her birth mother. ‘Watching Shameless keeps me grounded’, she says.

7. Beyonce co-writes her own songs about real life experiences, most notably ‘Survivor’, about LaTavia Roberson and LaToya Luckett, who were in the original line-up of Destiny’s Child before leaving dramatically. Beyonce explains, ‘Aside from ‘Survivor’, I wrote songs called ‘I Hope You Have Fertility Problems Later On In Life’, ‘You Have B.O. And We Would All Laugh About It Behind Your Back’ and ‘I’ll Beat The Shit Out Of You With Your Motherfucking Weave The Next Time We Meet’ but none were as catchy as ‘Survivor’, so that got released. But those songs are all on the album ‘Slags, Slags, Slags’, so the fans can still enjoy them’.

8. Destiny’s Child’s fourth member, Kelly Rowland, has remained loyal to Beyonce, from the time when she was just a simple chimney sweep that lived in the Knowles’ servant quarters until now, where she lives in the eternal darkness of Beyonce’s shadow.

9. After Destiny’s Child officially disbanded after running out of ghetto-fabulous topics to sing about, Beyonce launched her solo career, taking the charts by storm with hits like ‘Crazy In Love’ and ‘Run the World (Girls)‘. But she lists her duet with embarrassing pain-in-the-arse Alexandra Burke as one of her career highlights. ‘I must have looked like one classy bastard next to that twat’, she muses.

10. Most recently, Beyonce has been hitting the headlines for the birth of her baby daughter, Blue Ivy, saying that she wants to concentrate on motherhood and family life for the forseeable future. ‘I want Blue Ivy to get to know her real grandparents, too’, says the star. ‘Destiny-Marie and Wayne-Paul have dotted on her since her birth, buying her a mini-Burberry hat, a pair of baby Nike Air max and a five-finger ring with the word’s ‘Main Baby Bastid’ diamante-encrusted across the top. Fabulous!’

Keep living the dream, Beyonce! Just watch your purse.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , ,

Lose Weight the Easy Way with the Lemon Detox Diet!

The Lemon Detox Diet rose to fame when Beyonce adopted it to slim down for her role in Dreamgirls, with which she lost 20lbs in two weeks. The diet comprises a concoction of maple syrup, lemon juice, water and cayenne pepper, downed periodically, and nothing else- effectively making this a 60-calorie per day plan, rather than the 2,000 to 2500 that most doctors recommend for the average person.

Yes, it is difficult to adhere to, but reportedly produces excellent results. This month, I am going to follow the Lemon Detox Diet for 7 days (the recommended duration for Lemon Detox Diet beginners), and keep a record of my results, so that you, too, can lose weight and feel great.

Day 1

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Day 1 of the diet has been easier than I first anticipated. Yes, there isn’t a whole lot of nourishment involved, but I felt less bloated as the day elapsed and had more energy in the afternoon. At one stage, I felt a manic high to the extent that I went outside and kissed a complete stranger just because the voices in my head instructed me to. The stranger had me arrested and when I resisted, I was tazered by a police official- but I only got a caution, probably because I’ve lost a stone already and everybody wants a piece.

Day 2

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A DELUXE glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water (DELUXE version recipe: A whole bottle of maple syrup, drank straight, and then a good cry about life)

After my manic high of yesterday, I must admit that I felt slightly lower today. While I have more energy, I’m also feeling on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. Weighed myself and have lost 6lbs already, after just two days on the Lemon Detox Diet, but then I lifted the scales and threw them out them out the window, severely injuring my elderly neighbour. Accompanied neighbour to the hospital for treatment and tried to suffocate her with an inflatable headrest in the ambulance. No idea why. Then I went around the children’s ward shouting, ‘Santa isn’t real’. Also starting to worry that when I go to jail, I’ll be so thin and gorgeous from doing the Lemon Detox Diet that I will surely be one of the prison bitches. Can’t sleep with the worry of this.

Day 3

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Weighed myself and lost another 16lbs since yesterday. At least, that’s what happened in the weird hallucinogenic dreams I’ve been having, which is brilliant because it’s kind of like going to see a 3D film, without the expense of leaving my bed. Coincidentally, that’s where I have spent the entire day due to blinding migranes- have no idea why I’m getting them, must be the weather. Delightfully though, while I’m now completely bedridden, my pyjamas looks fantastic on me. Ordered myself a medical drip online so that I don’t have to waste energy on lifting a cup of dinner to my mouth. Winning.

Day 4

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

I think I’ve finally arrived at a realisation that I don’t need food- I’m just a stronger human being in general now. Got my drip installed and fashioned a spare carrier bag into a colostomy bag to collect waste, seeing as I can’t seem to get out of bed anymore. Really strange that I can’t seem to move from bed. Perhaps, subconciously, I don’t want to outshine all other women out in public with how amazing I look. Lost another 8lbs today, for a total of 30lbs in 4 days. Feel like the Chuck Norris of diets.

Day 5

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A small insect

Dinner- Jail food

Disasterous day. Was doing well on my diet but coughed due to an inexplicable virus I seem to have contracted, causing me to accidentally inhale and swallow a small insect that was living under my bed. This sudden influx of food sent me on a massive sugar high, and drunk on insects and being a supermodel, I paraded through my local Tesco Metro in a bikini with four glowsticks and the word ‘Fajita’ painted across my torso. Eventually, a concerned shopper interrupted my breakdancing to enquire if I was feeling ok (probably because he admired my new figure), and I bit him. His coat smelt a bit like chicken chow mein, and it took me back. But now I can’t go back. Spent the night in jail.

Day 6

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water (Jail version: substitute the maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper for nothing)

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water (Jail version: substitute the maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper for nothing)

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water  (Jail version: substitute the maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper for nothing)

Spent today in jail after assaulting a man in Tesco Metro yesterday. Unable to access all ingredients to fully adhere to diet, but have chosen adequate substitutes. Tried to do a Shawshank mid-afternoon but the spoon broke so used one of my jutting ribs to make a dent in the wall. Realised this will take me ages. Thankfully, was able to shimmy between the bars in my cell at dusk and escaped. Went home and made myself a midnight feast of three shakes of pepper. Yum.

Day 7

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Final day of the diet was easier than expected, as I have started to rationalise the constant migraines as a punishment for being less worthy than everyone else. Weighed myself and was delighted to discover that have lost of total of 72lbs in 7 days on the Lemon Detox Diet– how wonderful! Going to celebrate tomorrow by buying a babygro and wearing it as a playsuit, as I am now a size ‘2’. Sorry, size ‘aged 2’ (and above). Honestly, I’m getting annoyed already that three year old children are the same size as me- feel so fat. Doing another week of the diet to slim down to size ‘aged 6-8 months’.

Well, that was my week on the Lemon Detox Diet. I lost 72lbs, but gained a whole new perspective on life.  Sidenote: If you see me on Crimewatch, it was all just a misunderstanding. No need to ring the hotline… Good luck on your journey towards health and happiness!

Tagged , , , ,