Tag Archives: daily mail

How To Get Famous… In a Flash

In a society where stupidity is a commodity, money equals success and Joey Essex continues to be allowed to exist as an actual human being, fame is the ultimate prize. For the majority, fame is perceived as a doorway to excitement, fulfilment and acceptance, and more than ever, individuals are willing to do anything to achieve it.

Back in the days of yore, one would have to possess actual talent, drive and commitment, not to mention experience, in order to achieve notoriety in their field- fame being an unwanted by-product of their success. It took years to become famous. Nowadays, the general consensus seems to be that achieving fame should take twelve weeks- tops. And they’ll throw in a Christmas Number 1 for good measure.

But what if, like me, you don’t have twelve weeks, a sob story and a penchant for living in a house full of unbearable tosspots while the Daily Mail prints a tell-all about the time you got your first period, after which you gain public sympathy and later develop a drug problem to deal with the shame? All of that seems like awful hard work. So here are my top tips for getting famous… in a flash.

Get Heckled By Builders

If you’re a lady or a feminine-looking gentleman, you can get heckled by builders to satisfy those feelings of love that your father didn’t give you. It’s easy, all you need is a slaggy dress and a cigarette- hey presto, those men will be heckling you like you’re a worthless slag in no time. Don’t forget to fake a look of disgust after being heckled- it tells other pedestrians that you feel humiliated and violated, even if you coughed loudly beside the construction site to get the builders’ attention in the first place.

Sign Everything Like A Starlet

In my mundane day-to-day life, I sign things constantly. Mostly for deliveries from Matalan and other drabocities. But with some added pizazz, I can feel like I’m signing autographs quicker than you can say ‘Go fuck yourself, you weird bitch’. For example, when your shopping arrives from Sainsbury’s and the delivery man hands you his little electronic pad for you to sign so that they can charge you, say, ‘Ok, who should I make this out to?‘ When he looks confused, laugh lightly and say, ‘You’re starstuck, eh? Don’t worry, I get this all the time.’ Remember, when signing your name, add ‘Best wishes’ or ‘To my number one fan’. Hand back the pad and say something like, ‘Stay cool, Daddio’ and give him a thumbs-up. Nice.

Deluded Yourself. In General.

One thing I’ve noticed is that, when it comes to reality TV, the arsehole subject matter usual spends their time creating situations where they can just act like a total cunt for laughs- much like a naughty, attention-seeking child whose mother is too disinterested in to disipline. With that in mind, make like the Kardashians and just walk around being ‘crazy’ for laughs. Don’t get a trolley in Asda– deprive someone with an actual disability of a mobility scooter and use that to knock down displays while unintentionally making it obvious that you’re looking at the camera and laughing nervously.

Likewise, in social situations- don’t be pleasant and polite. Take a pregnancy test in your place of work while crying profusely, even though you know you aren’t pregnant. Film a one-night stand with your second cousin and play it back to your family for a laugh. Bring an inappropriate family member to your bikini-wax appointment and make your beautician uncomfortable while they rate your bare arse out of ten. Don’t forget to conclude such events by discussing them in terms of the ‘Peak’ and ‘Pit’ of your day- making reference to your father’s demise at length so that you can capitalise on his death.

See Yourself As A Star- And Others Will Follow

It’s not good enough to act like you’re famous- others have to belbe in on the act for you to live your life in absolute denial. It’s the little things like answering every phonecall you receive with, ‘Hi, this is [your name]- thank you so much for voting for me. You rock! This is an automated message- you have been charged £5 plus your standard call rate for this call,’ and then hanging up, to insisting upon wearing sunglasses in nightclub photographs with friends (remember to look awkward and as though you’re gracing them with your presence), and even having a man with a Geordie accent floating around occasionally to narrate your life (‘Sally is having an affair with her brother-in-law just to convince herself she isn’t dead inside’, ‘Sally accidentally gave her nephew peanuts after temporarily forgetting his allergy and is currently in an ambulance with him. She’s going to tell her sister that he stole them from the cupboard and she saved his life to cover up the fact that she nearly killed him’. Yes, Sally’s life seems dramatic, but remember: some scenes have been set up purely for your entertainment).

Captivate Your Audience

Fame is all about the general public feigning interest in what you’re doing, so by rights, doing interesting things publicly should achieve fame. You can accomplish this easily by getting on a public bus and spouting some drivel about ‘Jesus‘ and ‘Judgement Day’ until you make small children cry because they’re frightened, and Shazam! Instant fame. This one is a lot easier if you smell like piss, cigarettes and whiskey because no-one is likely to forceably remove you from the bus for fear of getting your smell on their coat. Incidentally, should someone on that bus try to be a hero and remove you- just play dead, shouting ‘Rape!’ or ‘Fugggg off, bastid…’ weakly until you vomit all down your front. That should take care of it.

Have Talent, Motivation and The Ability To Excel In Your Chosen Field

Only joking. Kill your parrot and use your tears to soar through to X Factor Bootcamp. Yay!

Advertisements
Tagged , , ,

How To Write a CV

Queue ‘The Apprentice’ theme music- heavy on the trumpets. The job market is tougher than ever before, and to succeed, you need to stand out. But how does one stand out on an A4 page? What information helps you get the application stage nailed, and what details can get you jailed? And how can you get that acceptance letter mailed, or avoid HR calling to your house to have you impaled? Fucking etc.

The following helps to explain what you can write in your CV to help you to stand out, and get a call back.

Section One- Personal Information

Start off your CV with your name as a bold heading. Don’t forget to include your childhood nickname, which you can place in the middle of your name (e.g. John ‘Fartypants’ Smith, Greg ‘Pickynose’ Jones).

Underneath your contact information, you can include a personal profile, which details a general overview of your life, mild professional information and your current situation related to why you are suited to the industry you are applying for. For example, if you are applying for a job as a vet, you could say,

‘My name is Doug, which is like the word ‘Dog’ but with a ‘U’, which to you, is me- so I’m kind of already like a dog, then. I had a cat as a pet but it got old and went to live on a farm, and I never really got over it. Now I want to help other animals not go to live on farms. What I lack in qualifications, I make up for in knife skills and speaking horse. Also, I only eat animals that I find at the side of the road. I feel that vegetablism is well important when being a doctor of animals. The end’.

Section Two- Education

Write your educational information and qualifications in reverse chronological order. Ensure that you do not lie about your grades or qualifications with any colleges or schools you have attended in the past, as your employer will check. Instead, invent fictional schools or colleges (e.g. St. Doug’s School of Dead Hard Things, or Sir Douglas College of Teaching the Prescribed Curriculum and a Bit More on Top of That) and then award yourself maximum grades in any subjects you want. The best bit is, if any prospective employers ring you to verify, you can also tell them that you were the best student the school has ever had- which is technically true, seeing as you only just went and founded the fucker. Just remember to do your best ‘Einstein’ voice to fool those pesky HR reps.

Section Three- Employment

Just like the Education section, list your employment in reverse chronological order. If you haven’t been consistently in employment, use your wordsmithy-ness to turn even the most half-arsed of money-receiving tasks into a successful employment experiences, e.g.

August 2010- Present: Gambling Freelancer

Tasks: Knowing when to hold ’em, and knowing when to fold ’em

             Slot machine usage analysis

             Current affairs expert of the sport betting sector

August 2008- July 2010: Professional Property Assistant Manager

Tasks: Putting on lights to warn off burglars Management

              Food rotation and food waste reduction

              Ensuring the smooth operation of the TV in the front room

July 2001- July 2008: Benefits Recipient Executive

Tasks: Periodic Inspection of Jobcentre

             Contributor to manipulated numbers than comprise sensationalised Daily Mail benefit recipient slander

             Scapegoat provider to tax evasion for the rich

However, if you have a parent who is self-employed, say that you work as their assistant. Nothing more believable than that. Boom.

Section Four: Skills and Relevant Information

Despite the gross over-use of the word ‘skills’, no-one really has a fucking clue what a skill is. Let’s face it, things like ‘organisational skills’ and ‘time management skills’ are only real things if you’re a robot. Therefore, this is the section in which you can make up anything you want, with the word ‘skills’ suffixed to it, with absolutely no repercussions and no need to prove that you’re not just lying through your dishonest little arse. My suggestions for skills that are attractive to prospective employers? See below.

Ninja skills

Tea making, and keeping on top the replenishment of tea-making components, skills

Getting a bit of banter going skills

Up the arse of the boss skills

Not getting caught sitting on Facebook all day skills

Making up office nickname skills

Rolling your eyes at Wilma from Accounting who always gets flowers from her boyfriend skills

Seeing Wilma from Accounting’s boyfriend kissing another woman in a nightclub and telling everyone in the office except Wilma so we can all bitch about her behind her back skills

Bringing in interesting pictures to put on your desk skills

Ability to passive-aggressively bring in cake every day because I wanted cake but I feel guilty eating it on my own but if everyone else gets fat then I don’t have to feel as bad skills

Organising Friday’s pint after work skills.

Section Five- Interests and Activities

Remember when you were a kid and you had all sorts of hopes and dreams for yourself? And remember when you were sitting right now identifying with loads of this because everyone eventually turns out to be a big failure? Yeah, well, best to lie and pretend you have interests and activities that you actively do rather than watch TV, drink and occasionally cry to yourself about how depressing your life is. Make it as outlandish as you want because it makes you sound interesting and even if your prospective employer knows that you’re lying, it’s better to be a pathological liar than a lazy fucker with a Jesus-complex. Might I suggest:

I am an over-achieving, marathon-running, elephant owner with a nut allergy so severe, I could die at any second. Living on borrowed time has taught me the value of every second, which is why I wear a kitchen clock as a necklace, just like Flava Flav, which is funny- because he’s my cousin. But not my blood cousin, as I was stolen at birth and am currently being held hostage by my adopted family, of five cheetahs, an umbrella and a bag of Doritos (Nacho Cheese flavour). In my spare time, I like to build time machines, cure cancer and Keep Up with the Kardashians, which is easy- because I’m Kourtney. And Kim. Finally, while I’ve never failed at anything, I’m dead humble and singing my own praises about being Michael Jackson, owning Poland and coming second in a Monopoly beauty contest really embarrasses me.

Oh, remember to attach a picture of yourself, too, so that everyone can have a good LOL at your expense.

Hello- new job!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Samantha Brick: Not Deluded At All

Sitting alone in a branch of KFC, I was getting stuck into a Zinger Tower meal when a homeless bum came up to me and asked me for a kiss. I stared at his toothless mouth in pity and declined, after which his said, ‘Fuck you, you slag’ and walked off. Many people would be flattered by such an exchange, but not me- I’m used to men giving me attention because I’m just so darn gorgeous.

It seems that the fucking thicko right wing Daily Mail reading population entire world has been left reeling after Samantha Brick spoke out about the affliction of beauty here, citing her looks as the reason she has been victimised, ostracised and outcasted by female colleagues, ‘friends’ and acquaintances. Her article paints a picture of an exceptionally beautiful woman (until you scroll down to the pictures, and she’s actually an average-looking woman with a superiority complex, but then again, I’m probably just bitterly envious) whose looks are the reason she has faced hardship in her personal and professional life, provoking jealousy with less asthetically pleasing females. Look at how beautiful she is:

Yeah, so, she just must take a bad picture or something. Or else, if you are female, your eyes disallow you from seeing how gorgeous she is. She’s definately not totally fuckwitted.

However, I am inclined to agree with Samantha; I have had a similar experience myself. I, too, overestimate my beauty- deluding myself that men fall at my feet and women hate me because they are threatened, when in reality, it is because I am up my own arse and a general nasty bitch.

Samantha’s article cites a myriad of experiences in which men have thanked her for being so beautiful by paying her way. She is not a prostitute. At all. I can verify that yes, men do this. She is not detached from reality and did not create this in her crazy little mind.

Sometimes I ask strangers for a cigarette, and they just hand me one. Probably because my nicotine-stained smile makes their day. Once, on a Ryanair flight to Leeds Bradford, an air steward gave me a packet of salt and vinegar Frisps for free, just because they were ”going off”. If that isn’t code for ‘I love you’, I don’t know what is. And on top of that, sometimes I check my bank account to find that someone has deposited money into my account on a weekly basis, probably to thank me for living. Ok, so, it’s my wages, but the person who authorises the transaction has a 50% chance of being male. Men just shower me with money!

But unfortunately, it’s not all gravy. Women fucking loathe me, probably because they can’t handle how stunning I am, in addition to having a winning personality and not being at all deluded. Definately not because I’m an elitest bitch. Only a few weeks ago, my neighbour walked past me without even so much as a ‘hello’. I consulted a mutual friend who suggest that her reaction may have been spurred on by the fact that I set her dog on fire and slept with her husband, but I think it’s that she’s just jealous of me because I’m thinner than her. This is not insulting to women at all. Samantha represents women in an honest light, and doesn’t give men one more reason to think women are nothing more than a pack of shallow, scrapping shrews. She is also good looking enough to justify writing such an article. Yes.

Now Samantha can’t wait to get old, as ageing will dilute her beauty and allow her to make friends and live ‘normally‘. She must be getting a fucking personality transplant too, then.

Beauty is such a curse.

Tagged , , , , ,