Tag Archives: facebook

Exercise Move of the Month: Being Convinced That Winter Will Be Eternal

The Local Asda.

The Local Asda.

It’s that time of the month again, folks! No, not that time. It’s time to get our legwarmers on and spark up a cigarette to buy yourself a few minute before you have to join in with group-lunges.

This month’s exercise is brought to you by life as we know it crumbling around us, and is called ‘Being convinced that Winter will be eternal’.

Step 1: Hang on by your weather-beaten fingernails to the thought that Winter is nearly over and you don’t have to partake in the endless misery of life beneath a blanket of grey fucking suffocation for much longer. Bring yourself up to gentle pace of yoga-like zen by nodding to convince yourself that the temperatures are gradually getting a little less cold, and do some cardio as you rush out to buy yourself a trench coat to replace that big wooly fucker you had to lug around for the whole of bastarding Winter.

Step 2: Here’s where the workout kicks into high-gear. Wake up mid-to-late-March to find that Mother Nature has sent you a signed, sealed and delivered turd in a box, for there is snow everywhere. After getting your heart rate up with some tears of anger and frustration, spend your morning with some bingo-wing busting activity, such as shovelling the snow off your driveway, realising that you shovelled your driveway-snow on to the main road and having to double-shovel all of that shit too, and pushing your car out of the driveway because the engine has froze.

Hooray for this moment.

Hooray for this moment.

Step 3: Feel your heart pounding as your boss rings to ensure that you weren’t planning to take the day off over a few centimetres of snow. Tone your core as you keep your mouth shut with all the almighty strength you can muster so that you don’t point out that not everyone lives at the office because their wife had an affair.

Step 4: Work up a sweat by going through the motions of an entire day swathed in the sort of attire that even N’Dubs’ Dappy would deem ‘too puffy’ and having to work doubly hard to get to work and back again. Work out those triceps by going into the office toilets and shaking your fists angrily at the thought of all of your colleagues who said they were ‘snowed in’ today, even though they, you and everyone else knows that it’s all a big lie.

Step 5: Give those finger muscles a good heave-ho by sitting on Facebook all night, updating the status of various snow-centric issues, such as ‘Electrics gone off’ and ‘More snow on the way tomorrow’.

Brilliant! Your updates are so useful.

Brilliant! Your updates are so useful.

Step 6: Build up your chesticles by having a heavy heart when the weatherman says ‘It seems like we’ll be having more snow for the forseeable future.‘ Tone your core by resisting the urge to trek to his whereabouts and stab him with your icicle-tears.

Step 7: Wake up and go through these same motions forevermore, for the sun has died.

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What Your Facebook Profile Picture Says About You

facebook

Your Facebook profile picture acts as the face of your online presence among your social circle, your family, your work colleagues and all those other cunts that you just can’t shake off. Therefore, it is undeniable that the average user sees this function as an opportunity to project suggestions on to the opinions that others’ have of them, and is a very accurate indicator of the sort of person you see yourself as. Unfortunately, as humans, our perception of how others’ perceive us is usually different to how we self-perceive, and ironically, the more we push a self-image on to others, the more counter-productive this act becomes; less is more.

But why did you pick your Facebook profile picture? What did you, consciously or unconsciously, want to be perceived as by others? And how do they really see you? Here’s a few of the most common types:

Facebook Profile Picture: Teenaged Girl Posing Provocatively

teenage girl

Desired Perception by Others: You are desperate to shed your ‘little girl’ image and to be viewed as attractive and mature, but not mature enough to not be a little bit whorish if you met the right person (anyone). Whilst your pose is provocative, you’ve projected innocence in your facial expression (something classy like a Marilyn Monroe pout) to create the illusion that you aren’t the whore that your choice of outfit says you are.

Actual Perception by Others: Whore.

Facebook Profile Picture Teenaged Boy Flexing Muscles

Skinny Guy

Desired Perception by Others: Like your female counterpart, you are also trying to elude your past image, suggesting to your virtual circle that you are a man. Strong, mature and intimidating, you really are a force to be reckoned with.

Actual Perception by Others: Hung like a budgie’s hardener. This image would be better portrayed if your mum wasn’t putting away your folded laundry in the background.

Facebook Profile Picture: Zany Group Photo Involving Fake Moustache

Hipsters group underware

Desired Perception by Others: Not only are you dead popular, but the fact that you can put up a public photograph of you NOT looking your absolute best- well, you’re cooler than Azealia Banks wearing a ‘Nerd’ t-shirt and drinking out of a jam jar. You are happy, carefree and modest, even though you’re actually much smarter, more intelligence and just plan better than the rest of us.

Actual Perception by Others: Hipster cunt. Take that insult and pass it around that bunch of try-too-hard kooks you call ‘homies’, too. Even though you’re white. And from Newcastle.

Facebook Profile Picture: Bingo-Wing Minimising, Holding in Stomach, Wide-Eyed Facial Expression at Saturday Night Pre-‘Going Out’ Drinks In Friend’s House

Danielle Lloyd

Desired Perception by Others: Like Kimora Lee Simmonsyou’re a Mogul, you’re a Model, you’re a Mom. In other words, you juggle a part-time job, looking after your children that you’ve each named after the Kardashians and you still have time to get your nails and ‘stenshins did every fortnight. You’re handling your shit, and you’ll be damned if you’ve got all dolled up and lost four and a half pounds with Weightwatchers and not upload a picture of how gorgeous you are to Facebook.

Actual Perception by Others: Your friend’s home décor looks like a peacock savagely stabbed a leopard to death with a stick of candyfloss.

Facebook Profile Picture: Couple

whitney

Desired Perception by Others: Look how happy we are.

Actual Perception by Others: Your kids aren’t going to have much in the looks department

Facebook Profile Picture: Picture of Sunset/Beach/Snow scene/Other travelling photo

backpacker

Desired Perception by Others: Not only will people see how well-travelled and cultured you are, but the fact that you aren’t the main focus, and instead a much-smaller piece of the overall picture (you’ve obviously had to have been in the picture as proof that you were there and didn’t just steal it off Google Images) suggests that your mind is not self-centric but instead, focused on bigger, world issues. You see yourself as easy-going, philosophical and a free spirit.

Actual Perception by Others: Gimp.

Stay tuned for more, hypocritical judgements on others when I’ve definitely been guilty of the majority of these in the past (now).

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How To Be A Teenaged Internet Millionaire

Kids today.

Kids today.

Nick D’Aloisio hit the headlines last week when he became a teenaged internet millionaire by selling his App, Summly, to Yahoo! for around $30 million. The App summarises news stories in one sentence for smartphone users, which seems like he’s just claimed to have invented ‘the headline’, but it has a few other bits and bobs in it. Allegedly.

Anyway, if you want to become a teenaged internet millionaire, here are my hints and tips to follow in the footsteps of Nick D’Aloisio. With these foolproof strategies, you’ll be snorting cocaine at a party full of people who are only using you for your money in no time.

Outcast

Being an outcast in high school will stand you in good stead for the future as an internet millionaire. Attain outcast status by standing a few feet from the popular clique in the school hallway and stare longingly at head cheerleader, Susie Smileypants, knowing in your heart that she doesn’t even know, or care, what your name is. When Susie Smileypants’ boyfriend, big man on campus Joey Jocktrunks, calls you out for stalking his woman in the school cafeteria, stick up your fists and move them around saying, ‘Why I oughtta…‘ over and over again until he knocks you out in one clean dig.

Furthermore, having no life and nothing of any social value is key to becoming a teenaged internet millionaire, as, when all your peers are out having fun, you’ll be busying yourself at home working on your App and unknowingly embarking upon a journey that will one day lead you to find comfort in dismembering prostitutes and stashing them in little ziplock bags in your gold-plated freezer. Achieve your lack of social life by being such a pedantic arsehole that the only time the cool kids converse with you is when they are calling you ‘Poindexter’ and stealing your lunch money.

Moneygrabbing Wee Bastard

Poindexter.

Poindexter.

Being a moneygrabbing wee bastard will inspire you to dabble in get-rich-quick schemes, all of which are definitely going to make you a teenaged internet millionaire. While you may not be born with the personality defect that makes you a moneygrabbing wee bastard, you can hone your moneygrabbing wee bastardness by being so unappealing as a human being that you need money to give you worth. Once you’re hungry like the wolf, you’ll start chasing the dollar. After all, them bitches and hoes ain’t cheap.

Half-Arsed Idea

No teenaged internet millionaire would be complete with a half-arsed idea to combine with youth so that people who use Yahoo! as their primary news source will be all like, ‘OMG he’s younger than me but he has more money! LOL.‘ Basically, in order to create your idea, just take someone else’s already successful idea and copy it, being careful to say ‘It’s the new…‘ in front of it (i.e. ‘It’s the new Facebook’). Then ask mummy or daddy to get their venture capitalist friends involved so that they can pay other people to develop your idea while you play the XBox with Ashton Kutcher.

Glory-Thief

Seeing as you are a teenager and therefore, probably thick as pigshit, is is highly unlikely that you will be able to create anything of actual worth by yourself. However, as with the case of Nick D’Aloisio, you need not make reference to the highly-skilled group of adults who actually developed your half-arsed idea- instead, taking any and all glory for yourself. After all, you didn’t lose your anal virginity to Ashton Kutcher for nothing, did you?

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One Hundred Things I Hate About Life

Untitled

Wahey! This is officially The Thinking Gal’s 100th Post!

So what better way to celebrate than by rhyming off 100 things that annoy the fuck clean out of me so that you can understand why I’m such a moaning cunt a little bit better? Probably lots of better ways. But here they are anyway:

1. Hypocritical bastards

2. Shopping centres

3. Snow in March

4. Tomatoes being poncily described as ‘vine tomatoes’, as if there’s another way to grow tomatoes.

5. Musicals

6. Flapper dresses worn by girls who aren’t as slaggy as the rest of the group

7. Inspirational quotes on Facebook by people whose behaviour couldn’t be less inspirational if they tried… which they are too lazy to do.

8. Joey Essex

9. Kids today

10. People who say ‘sick’ when describing something good

11. Holly Willoughby

12. The Common Cold being called ‘Flu’

13. Leaving it to mellow if it’s only yellow

14. People who ‘LOL’ with a straight face

15. Old people who Tweet

16. Russell Howard and his ”good news”

17. Desperate wannabes who call Kim Kardashian ‘Kimmie <3’

18. People who start diets every Monday

old-man

19. The one who incessantly makes it known he sleeps around from One Direction

20. The one who looks like a woman from One Direction

21. The Jedwardy Irish one who keeps saying things are ‘Sick’ from One Direction

22. The other two from One Direction

23. People who Belieb

24. The amount of product placement in Pitbull’s songs

25. Diet versions of proper cakes

26. Zooey Deschanel

27. The unmitigated snobbery of Ted from How I Met Your Mother

28. Little Mix

29. Actually, everyone off X Factor. And you can fuck Leona Lewis into that category, too.

30. Stupid girls

31. Stupid men

32. People who say they don’t like things when they really mean that they don’t want to try anything new

33. Vain people whose appearance aren’t enough to quantify their vanity (but still take awkward semi-nude photographs for us all to laugh at on Facebook)

34. Catchphrases

35. No mental breakdowns on Biggest Loser USA

36. Wanking feckin’ bankers

37. Buses

38. Littlewoods

39. Caravan living

40. The word ‘Totes’

41. Texting as a form of prolonged communication

42. Joey Essex one more time

42. Microchips

43. Sky TV, Broadband and all the other sub-par services they offer

44. Simon Cowell

45. Racists who say ‘Not trying to be racist, but…’ at the start of racist statements

46. The Americanisation of everything

47. Hipsters

48. Zebra-print

imagesCAEYIBNI

49. People who clap like seals at anything that comes out of Will.I.Am’s mouth

50. The acceptance of Cheryl Cole as a legitimate human being

51. Anything described as a ‘National Treasure’

52. Shitty ‘celebrity’ versions of already grim TV programmes, except for the awkwardness of watching a bunch of non-entities trying to figure out who the other participants are

53. The small fucking portions on Masterchef

54. The phrase ‘Odds and Sods’

55. Vicky Binns

56. Everything about Kerry Katona

57. Ugg boots with denim skirts. Still.

58. Hashtagging things in a non-Twitter setting

59. Joey Essex again

60. Ant and Dec

61. The incorrect belief that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16

62. George at Asda

63. Watching Karl Pilkington trying not to smirk at how funny he thinks his contrived antiquated viewpoints are on ‘An Idiot Abroad’

64. Pizza Express

65. The little cartons of fruit in supermarkets that exist because it has become acceptable to expect never to cut your own fruit

66. People who bring their kids to Burger King every Saturday

67. Films about people who try to make it as a dancer

68. When you walk into someone’s house and it smells but eventually you don’t notice the smell because you’ve caught it too

69. ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘Specific’

70. Weightwatchers

71. People who specify that they can drive in their Facebook ‘Basic Info’, as if it’s a huge achievement

72. The fact that it takes a horsemeat scandal for people to think, ‘Hang on, what if supermarkets lie about what goes into processed food?’

cranky

73. George Osbourne

74. Women who describe their fondness for Mila Kunis as a ”girl crush”

75. Black trousers in non-office settings

76. Superscrimpers on Channel 4’s disproportionate validity to smugness ratio

77. Rip Off Britain

78. The Nolan sisters

79. Fifty Shades of shut the fuck up, the fact that you read this isn’t shocking anyone

80. Justin Bieber’s mum

81. The whole storyline between Kurt and Sarah Jessica Parker on Glee

82. Glee

83. Anything to do with the Harlem Shake

84. Any Youtube clip that goes viral and attracts comments like ‘LOOOOL’ and ‘LMFAO. Plz Justin Bieber tweet me’

85. Cunts who tweet Justin Bieber things like ‘I’d die happy if @JustinBieber would just RT this. I’m probably not special enough, though’, as if he’s going to fall for your reverse psychology. He doesn’t fucking care!

86. Monster Munch

87. All-denim ensembles. Didn’t work for Britney and Justin, not going to work for anybody else.

88. Rita Ora

89. Richard Branson’s jazzhandsy approach to being attention-seeking in business.

90. The fact that Apprentice contestants don’t get taken out the back and shot after being fired.

91. Smirnoff Ice

92. The crocodile tears of each and every Secret Millionaire

93. Payday loan ads. Considering they’re the only industry making money these days, they could up their budget to more than 25 quid.

94. Anything by Ed Hardy’s sweatshop of broken dreams and rape by Pauly D

95. Katy Perry’s faked stupidity wrapped in self-delusion of astute business-mindedness wrapped in actual stupidity

96. Coco-T

97. BBC4

98. Jamie Oliver not understanding that everyone doesn’t have a £30 weekly carrot-budget

99.Driving cunts who don’t think to thank you for letting them in when they were in the wrong lane, usually as some sort of time saving measure while the rest of us just wait behind them like chumps.

100. David Spade

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to go celebrate by punching a wall and spending tonight in A&E.

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My Top Five Fashion Tips For January- Slimming Special!

Vogue.

I hope by now you will have noticed the recurring theme running through January’s posts that all pay tribute to the fact that January is easily the most horribly depressing fucker that ever existed. Also, The Thinking Gal is a year old this month, so I’m celebrating by being extra sour and trying not to shoot myself in the face, so that’s also why my posts are super cheerful these days.

Anyway, January is traditionally renound as a lean, healthy month where we all try our best to shed those Christmas pounds, resolve to become better versions of ourselves (denial) and prepare for the year ahead. In terms of fashion, we’re talking heavy, natural fabrics in blacks and browns in an attempt to keep warm whilst similtaneously hiding the fact that you ate like a greedy fucker over the Christmas holidays, even whilst watching the Oxfam advertisement (basically just a clipshow of starving children), without even so much as taking the wrappers off the Quality Street sweets first.

So how does one hide their festive bulge whilst maintaining fashionista status during this cold, Winter month? Here’s how:

Cloak of Invisibility

January chic.

January chic.

Throwing on a Cloak of Invisibility, or a Jimmy Saville Raincoat as it is known to those in senior positions within the BBC during the 1960s to the present day, helps you to look fabulous in a heartbeat because being invisible means no-one can see how fat you are. Dress it up, dress it down- it doesn’t matter because you’ll be invisible. And beyond being a high-fashion garment within the cartoon community, a Cloak of Invisibility has many practical uses, such as helping you stalk without consequence, providing a medium via which you can shoplift effectively and- best of all- commiting untraceable murder. Farewell, midnight police raids! So long, warrant for your arrest! And so on.

Spanx The Monkey

Considering how fat I am, I like to layer my Spanx on top of each other so that all possible flab is contained within those mummified layers. Spanx, for those of you who are are unfamiliar with the phenomenon, are basically extra-strength American Tan tights with a special ingredient- self-loathing- that hold in your muffin top to ensure that women, no matter how much gender equality evolves, will always have it in the back of their minds that they’re not as good as men, who wouldn’t dream of wearing such a thing just to appear attractive to the opposite sex. For fuck’s sake. As I was saying, layering your Spanx so that your hideousness is contained ensures that your arms and legs look disproportionately large compared to the rest of your body, which is brilliant because you then get to make up bullshit excuses for your abnormal appearance, such as that you are a part-time wrestler, all the while knowing that people are calling you a ‘weirdo’ behind your back.

With a Moo Moo here, A Moo Moo there, Here a Moo, There A Moo… Etc.

Accessorise with a mobility scooter for the ultimate in 'Dying of Diabetes' chic.

Accessorise with a mobility scooter for the ultimate in ‘Dying of Diabetes’ chic.

Moo Moos, like the one Homer Simpson wore in the episode of The Simpsons when he deliberately puts on weight so he could work from home, are not only the hottest garment among the ‘over 55 female Traveller Community’ (such a stylish bunch), but are also deceptively cosy, drawing heat from your inner thighs as they rub together while you walk from your mobility scooter to your bed to illustrate you immobility to someone slightly less fat than you while filming for Channel 4’s Supersize v Superskinny. Moo Moos come in an array of unflattering Hawaiian prints, and are guaranteed to grab attention from your local news station the next time they are secretly filming members of the public as part of a Polyfiller-style piece on obesity to fill up the news slot on a slow news day. Expect to see your muffin top featured, you trendsetter, you!

A Great Pair of Heels

‘I like my men like I like my heels- tall, black and the most coveted accessory in the room,’ said Marilyn Monroe. No, she didn’t, I just made that up, but that’s exactly the sort of shit that clutters up my Facebook wall like a turd that just won’t flush. I personally spend my days trudging around in a pair of sodden Converse like the downtrodden bastard that I am, but women who wear heels as part of an everyday routine terrify me. For one, their arses must be made of steel, and they would definately win in a staring contest because the rest of us can’t look them in the eye. But for 2013, why not carry a pair of heels around in a carrier bag? If anyone points at your regular shoes and tells you they aren’t feminine enough, you can whip your heels out and beat them around the head with the pointy bit for a while, because that looks mighty fucking satisfying.

I Saw the Sign

No creepy bastard should be without this.

No creepy bastard should be without this.

If all of the above don’t help you to feel slimmer and more beautiful, then there’s something fucking wrong with you. However, I have one last trick up my sleeve for banishing those January blues- a big massive sign with the words ‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ painted on it with your own blood. No-one is going to say shit about you when you’re carrying that around. Of course, ‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ is optional (your own blood isn’t)- you can write whatever the fuck you want as long as it a) makes you look like a irrational mentalcase capable of GBH and b) is hilarious and endearing. Other suggestions include, ‘It doesn’t matter what you think. Does it?’, ‘Please like me’ and ‘I may be ugly but I can make a cracking roast dinner and therefore, can be your live-in girlfriend who hides in the cupboard when you have company round. Just tell me you’ll think about it’. Remember: in order to pull of wearing a sign, you may need extra accessories to achieve you desired look, such as a portable CD player playing Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful on loop, a knife or a dead cat strapped into one of those contraptions that smug bastards carry their embarrassed babies around in.

Rock on, fashionistas. Etc.

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How To Think Positively

Last week, I wrote about the art of attracting a man, which mostly detailed the projection of yourself to others. This week, I want to focus on the inner ‘you’ and how your thought process can make you or break you, because no-one can love you until you love yourself. Except Jesus.

Anyway, do you truly love your life or does that motherfucker staring back at you when you look in the mirror make you want to get your hammer out? If, like me, you’re in the latter category, then you need to change. And I don’t just mean throwing out your mirror after you’ve used the shards to slit your wrists. Here’s how you can be a positive thinker:

Use Daily Affirmations

Using daily affirmations to achieve positive thinking has been long known to help improve confidence. It’s easy- just compile a list of statements that you would like to apply to your life and repeat them daily until you start to believe them. You behaviour will change as you see your self-esteem improve. Might I suggest:

The nickname ‘Chubbo’ is meant affectionately and I do not have a weight problem.

My cat loves me as much as I love him.

That time I was drink driving at night in 1998 and hit something but just drove on because I couldnt bear to look back was a racoon and definately not that old woman who was reported missing the next day and was all over the news for the next six months. Her husband probably murdered her himself and then reported her missing to evade prison. I did not kill her.

They weren’t laughing at me.

I’ll dance on her grave. Or haunt her if I die first.

Lemon drizzle cake has the same amount of calories as carrots. They’re just different portion sizes.

Shania Twain is a modern-day poet.

It is ok to book your wedding venue prior to meeting your future husband because these motherfuckers book up quickly.

It’s just a mole. Probably nothing.

Everyone else is crazy. I’m sane. If anyone tries to argue, I’ll just shoot them all. Everyone.

As long as Kerry Katona doesn’t kill herself after an overdose, I’m not the world’s worst parent.

Avoid Negative Influences

Negativity tends to spread quicker than the herp in student housing, so best avoid anyone you know who is negative and downbeat as this may have a knock-on effect. But what if you have no choice but to see these people on a daily basis? Simple- just politely saying ‘Before you start being a drabby tosser and begin harping on about how your parent’s both died in that house fire last month, save it because this is a ‘no-wanker zone’ (gesture to the space between the two of you). Step into that area and I’ll set your fucking house on fire, too.‘ Or, if you aren’t assertive, you could always just stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly anytime they talk. They’ll soon get the hint.

Surround Yourself With Positive Things

‘If I surround myself with positive things, I’ll gain prosperity’ sang Destiny’s Child in the song, ‘Survivor‘- and they were lucky enough, that, when shipwrecked on a desert island in the music video, their clothing ripped off to create body shape-flattering rag-bikinis slash army attire- thank you, positive things. Filling your life with things that make you feel happy, calm and strong can only reap rewards. Therefore, we all need to club together and find a way to get Kanye West the fuck off this planet.

Smile

Smiling burns more calories than frowning, said some wankbag who probably had no friends in school. What makes you smile? Christine Bleakley’s armpit fat? Fighting with people on Facebook? Seeing others fail? Critiquing the lives of others while sitting in a mismatched tracksuit reading the Daily Star? Well then, keep at it. You certainly aren’t a serial killer.

Don’t Stop

There is only one way to stay positive, and that’s to keep being positive and never give up, using any negative occurances to make you stronger. For example, if someone punches you in the face, end that bitch. When someone else gets the promotion you wanted, burn that motherfucker to the ground so that no-one gets promoted again, ever. And if your spouse tells you they don’t want to be an accessory to your psychotic killing sprees again, tell them that they’re next.

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make cyanide and poison everyone.

Yes.

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How To Attract Men

Samantha Brick recently gained notoriety when her story, a tale of how her beauty brings out the ugliness in female rivalry, hit the news headlines earlier this year. So I figured that if she could pass herself off as gorgeous with absolutely no previous experience of being so, then I could certainly write a piece entitled ‘How To Attract Men’. We’re doing this now.

First of all, let me prefix my tips by saying: Warning- these really work. The life of an unpaid slave after marriage is most certainly guaranteed here.

The ability to attract a man is a valuable commodity, because us women balance our self-worth on being in a relationship. It’s either that or cats. With that in mind, here’s what you need to know:

Appearance

Men respond to visual imagery and, as such, looking and dressing the part is key when trying to attract men. If you aren’t the sort of girl who wears a lot of make-up, that’s fine- change your personality and go out and buy a gallon of concealer in the darkest shade available at your local Semi-Chem (Ronseal Wood Varnish is an ideal substitute).

Take a trowel and douse yourself in slap- it’s what the dead tester animals would have wanted- and don’t stop until you look so comedically made-up that people aren’t sure if your look is racially offensive. Then, twang yourself into a dress so slaggy, the cast of Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Weddings rejected it on the grounds of being ‘too tarty for the scene in every episode where we just show gratutitous footage of underaged girls dancing cringily at a depressing disco’.

Don’t forget to take plenty of photos of yourself for Facebook before leaving the house- not only does this sort of shit provide the rest of us with a good laugh, it also helps the media to tell the public what to think of you during the police-search for your missing corpse.

Brains

Unbelievably, a study recently suggested that ‘brains’ have overtaken ‘beauty’ as the male population’s most desirable characteristic in women. This revelation certainly brightened up the housework that I was obliged to do this morning on account of being born inferior to men. With that in mind- why not impress any potential romantic interests by showing him just how smart you are? The topic of expertise is up to you- you could talk about ironing, cleaning or even sewing. Just be careful to ensure that your mindless chatter isn’t disrupting the football, or he might bray you with the back of his hand.

Oh well- that slap will leave you with a lovely rosy glow, and you probably needed to be put in your place anyway.

Femininity

Even though this guide is written with the modern gal in mind, men are usually traditionalists and like to feel masculine- therefore, you need to use your femininity to let him know you’re interested. As the sort of woman who most people would describe as ‘butch’ or ‘burly as fuck’, I have little knowledge on the art of femininity but through nightclub observation, beating through a box of wine like it’s holy water, giving other women dirty looks and cackling like a motherfucker at the unfunny jokes of men who have overactive sweat glands would be spot on.

Don’t forget to dance around the room to Rihanna when you’re too drunk to stand properly. And cry. Cry like a bitch outside the bar about life, lunging at your friend who tries to hug you and beating her to a pulp.

Then you LOL so much at the thought of it later that you choke on your kebab and piss yourself with panic.

Independence

While employing some femininity (as set out in the previous paragraph) is advisable when trying to attract a man, being an independant women is much more important. Long gone are the days when a man expects to take care of a woman financially while she singlehandedly takes care of their home and children- nowadays, men want women who are financially independant while remaining to singlehandedly take care of their home and children. But that doesn’t sound like much fun.

Why not fund your lifestyle by taking out a load of credit cards in the name of the man you are trying to attract, and then, by the time you’ve married him, you can casually ‘discover’ the mountain of credit card debt and accuse him of having a secret gambling addiction? Chances are, he’ll be too busy having an affair with your best friend to investigate.

Boom- free money.

Desperation-Avoidance

Finally, nothing is more unattractive than desperation, and you can avoid appearing desperate by filling your life with things that make you happy, so that, when that perfect man comes into your life, he will probably be attracted. And the good news is that us modern day gals can do whatever the fuck we want- take pictures of your cat and put them on Facebook with funny captions beside them, dress your cat up in wedding attire and make them get married to your friend’s cat so that you and your friend have an excuse to eat a whole cake between the two of you, get your cat’s eggs frozen so that when your cat dies, you can get a surrogate cat to carry your cat’s children and get a free trip to London to be on Jeremy Kyle, or even have a cat’s tea party as the setting for your nervous breakdown.

And if you don’t like cats- too fucking bad.

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How To Deal With Regrets

Last week, Jordan admitted that she regretted her relationship with Alex Reid, which she had rushed into following her divorce from Peter Andre. To be fair, anyone would regret any sort of contact with Alex Reid, from my eyes that regret not blinding themselves with acid and therefore not preventing themselves from seeing Alex Reid’s stupid face in the tabloids, to his own mother, who probably regrets giving birth to him. The general rule is, if even scumbags like Katie Price don’t like you, then you’re some sort of mega-cunt.

Anyway, as we go through life, we make decisions that sometimes force us to have regrets. It’s inevitable. But when past regrets get in the way of your future, the cycle of acquiring regrets will continue and stop you from being able to progress in life. Here’s how to deal with regrets in a healthy way:

Move On

We all make mistakes in life, but moving on is essential to help progress with life rather than wallowing in misery and regret. Close the chapter on the part of your life that you regret and learn from past mistakes. For example, if you regret your relationship with your partner but don’t know how to end it, move on by passively cheating on them with random strangers for a few months. Also, as you are too cowardly to end things in a dignified manner, pen a fake suicide note, blaming your partner for ruining your life which you can leave ‘casually’ around the house for your partner to find and secretly read. If they still don’t get the hint- dress up in their underwear and write the word ‘Bitch‘ across your stomach in a garish shade of red lipstick, wait for your partner to come home from work and be so horrified that they end it there and then. Remember: there is no ‘dumped’ in the word ‘transvestite’, but there is an ‘I RAN’. I ran so far away. Boom: relationship terminated and both parties are moving on (with the help of counselling and rampant anti-anxiety tablets).

Take a Leap of Faith

As humans, we are nurtured to fear rejection and over time, this can prevent risk-taking, which can lead to regret. The best way to overcome this fear is to stop worrying about what people think of you and your decisions, and take the risks that may be worth the reward- regardless of outcome. Stop worrying about what people think of you by doing the following: Drink. Drink yourself to the point of collapse, and start getting all rowdy drunk and telling everyone in your company that you ‘don’t give a fuck, motherfucker!’ Get right in there and invade their personal space- make sure to spit while talking too, that usually makes a great impression. Then, after you vomit all over the poor bastard you’ve cornered, see how long it takes you to cry about it. If you don’t cry until the shame of your hangover sets in the next morning, then you have mastered the art of not worrying about the opinions of others’. Just make sure to start drinking again immediately, forevermore.

Think About Death. Constantly.

If you were lying on your deathbed, what would you be thinking? I wish I had’ve earned more money? I wish I’d worked more? I wish I’d spent more time sitting about watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Hell to the no, biznatch- you’d wish you’d spent more time with the ones you love. Fact. So, instead of having regreting not having made time for your loved ones, make time for them daily and start living a better life. Go round to your parents’ house right now and tell them you love them. Have a great half an hour of QT, before the novelty wears off and you all start fighting about what a pack of cunts the rest of you are. Tell your parents that they are the reason you fail at everything, and similarly, watch while they blame you for stealing their freedom. Then, once your siblings arrive, you can all have a massive scrap on the floor as you all point the finger at the favourite child. Make sure to bring up events from the past, such as the time your sister got more Christmas presents than you, to keep fuelling that fire of familial resentment. Then spend the rest of the day competing for the love of the family pet by continuously calling it to see which of you it goes to. Seethe. Fuck.

Appreciate Your Life

No matter how many regrets you have in life- the point is, you’re still here today. Regrets did not destroy you and therefore, you should let them go, forgive yourself, live in the moment and enjoy life. This can be achieved by spending your entire day on Facebook, posting pictures of scenery or small, cartoonish children with verses about how life’s troubles only made you stronger emblazoned across them. Keep putting up updates like ‘So happy <3’ and ‘Sometimes you realise what really matters in life, who never did and who always will’. Don’t forget to get the rest of the day in by playing Farmville and Hidden Chronicles. This is living. And as your Facebook friend, I’m delighted that you’ve sent me a request to play Lost Bubble with you- which I assume will consist of me and you playing a long, drawn out version of keyboard Tetris with the added challenge of resisting the urge to blow our own brains out. I certainly won’t be avoiding you in the street from now on, you charmless cunt.

So there you have it- four tips to help you deal with your regrets and live a fuller life. And on that note, I’m off to respond to my 1,567,324 Farmville updates.

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How To Mend A Broken Heart

Break ups are rough. Not only must you deal with the mental anguish of having fought with your partner for months, but you also need to get used to living life without the person that you once loved, or even still love. But how do you break up without having a breakdown, and how can you move on with life when life has moved on? Insert other cliches about ending a relationship here.

Here are five steps to mend that broken heart:

Throw Out Their Shit

Throwing out the shit that belonged to your bastard ex is a very therapeutic way to mark the end of your relationship. Once you round up all of their valuable, important belongings (old family photos, birth certificates etc.), place them into a box and take these items to their place of residence to see which of these items they would like to keep. Seperate their items into a ‘Keep’ pile and a ‘Throw Away’ pile. Once completed, say, ‘You’re never getting these back, motherfucker!’, douse the ‘Keep’ pile in a flammable liquid and set alight while laughing like a maniac. Then start kicking the ‘Throw Away’ pile around the room while singing ‘I Saw The Sign’ by Ace of Base with the crazed eyes of a lion chasing a baby deer. Once you’ve adequately pissed on their chips, exit gracefully.

Talk It Out

Talking about your ex allows you to voice your emotions, externalise your grief and, ultimately, move on. My advice is to talk to anyone who will listen, so call up your local radio station under the guise of taking part in a listener quiz and then, when on air, shout, ‘(Ex’s name) is a wankbag and a dog murderer!‘. Similarly, you can also talk it out with your ex’s work colleagues, by ringing their work line extensions and making them aware that your ex is a cunt. The same effect can be achieved online, by creating a chat account on a teen chatroom with your ex’s picture and home address, plus the username ‘Chuckles the Paedophile’. Finally, if you’ve done all of the above and still feel a bit sour about the break-up, be an adult and talk directly to your ex by turning up in their front garden and shouting ‘I hope you die!’ until their neighbours ring the police.

Go On Dates

While it isn’t advisable to get into anything serious when you’ve just ended a long-term relationship, it is a good idea to get out there and start meeting new people. Aren’t sure where to begin? Try befriending you ex’s friends and see if one of them wants to disregard the Bro/Girl Code long enough for you to use them to make your ex jealous and hurt. If your ex’s friends are loyal and see you for the antisocial psychopath that you are- not a problem. Just find someone else to use and conduct your dates outside your ex’s house or place of work. Make sure to laugh like a fucking maniac at everything your date says, as this will tell your ex: ‘I’m over you. You bastard. Why did you leave me? I’ll kill myself if you tell me it’s over for good. Go on- call my bluff.’

Change Your Routine

After a break up, it’s easy to sit and wallow, not leaving the house for days and sitting around crying. But in reality, there is no time like the present to change your routine and start establishing new norms to help you integrate into a new, better lifestyle. And it doesn’t have to be expensive, either. For example, start going clubbing at night by dancing to ‘Fighter’ by Christina Aguilera blasting on your car radio on the street of your ex’s new home and watch while they gets the message that you are so over it. Or, if nightlife isn’t your thing, you could quit your job so you could spend your days creating fake profiles on Facebook to lure your ex into an internet romance to cry over later.

Be Happy

Ultimately, being happy is the only way to free yourself from all of the misery caused when your relationship broke down in the first place. But how does one achieve happiness after a break-up? Simple. Create a Facebook group called ‘Being Happy When You See Your Ex With Someone Uglier Than You’ with a picture of your ex and their new partner attached, then spend all day (having quit your job at this stage) administrating the page with status updates about how big your ex’s new partner’s nose is, how fat they are and how they look too bookish. Show everyone how happy you are by saying things like ‘When we faded, you downgraded. Bitch needs to go back to the pound. Fuck you’.

Hashtag winning.

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How To Be Quirky

It seems like everyone nowadays wants something to make them stand out from the crowd. When I was a teenager, it would suffice to merely dye your hair purple, wear a slaggy tartan skirt, look depressed and mooch off the creativity of others by bedazzling your schoolbag with tributes to Pearl Jam and Korn (but that was back when no-one had sex on Big Brother for fear of their parents watching. P.S. *Rolls eyes). Now you can’t move for bell-and-whistle clad pebbledicks dying to stand out from the crowd (not literally dying though, sadly).

So, how does one achieve Quirky-status in a world of aspiring zany people trying to be different? Here’s six easy steps to get you on your way.

1. Music

Even though you’ve done absolutely nothing to help create any music ever, no-one can stop you from latching on to particular bands and claiming their values as your own. Scour the ‘live entertainment’ section of your local newspaper (Youtube), to find a beanie hat wearing, nonchalantly smoking, hipster band- let’s call them Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers– that have yet to be signed to any major record label. Google said band and spend hours learning every tedious fact about mockney Thibodeau and his Cambridge classmates, from the reason they insist upon wearing nail varnish (clue: to challenge societal expectations upon gender roles but really for vanity reasons) to the inspiration behind their albums, ‘Rich Puppet Revision’, ‘Sunrise Anarchy’ and ‘Serenity Blockade’. Rhyme off said tedious facts to your friends when Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers eventually sell-out and perform with Snoop Dogg at T in the Park, to prove you liked them before they became ‘mainstream’.

2. Be ironic

Being ironic is the best way to get people to assume that you are smarter and more worldy than they are, when infact you’re just smug and pretentious. Although, as a quirky sort, you judge everyone else for their fashion choices, by citing irony as the reason behind your own clothing, you can wear whatever the fuck you like- the weirder and more pointless the better. Just make sure you’ve bought it out of a charity shop (keep telling people this) and it has some sort of nonsensical slongan emblazoned across the front (no brand names though as you are anti-consumerism. If you keep forgetting this, set hourly reminders on your ‘sick’ new iPhone). Accessorise with a poker face and definately do not make reference to, or laugh about, how hilarious and quirky you are to wear such garments.

3. Get a thing

Historically, natural quirkiness stems from an inability to adapt to social norms in childhood, forcing the person to choose individualism over being ‘one of the crowd’. However, if you are just ‘one of the crowd’ and have never had anything difficult or challenging to overcome as you’ve led a seriously cushy life, then getting ‘a thing’ will fast-track straight through to Quirkyville. Can’t see it? It’s 10 miles beyond Mildly-Interestingtown. If you’ve reached Serial-Killer Avenue, you’ve went too far.  You could perhaps choose a pair of thick-rimmed glasses (bad eyesight not necessary), a straw-hat or even commit to a life of deliberately wearing odd shoes. Remember: keep your thing visual or people will have no idea that you’re quirky. That’s what she said, my man.

4. Pontificate

It is likely that, as a person of quirk, you’ll be spending large portions of your life sitting in coffee shops with other like-minded individuals judging others, so the quicker you learn the art of directing (while adding nothing of value to) a conversation, the better. Start off by saying something like, ‘Have Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers sold out?’, ‘East Coast or West Coast rap?‘ or ‘Is Joy Division’s third album overrated?‘ (watch as lesser morals bullshit their way through this obvious trick question). Then just sit back, enjoy your obscure micro brew and gaze out of the window with disdain for the little people.

5. Don’t Smile

When you’re quirky and different, best rein in any smiling until you are completely alone in a darkened room, lest others realise that you’re not actually burdered and tortured by your superior intellect and natural artistry. Sure, you also have an air of whimsy about you, but generally, you’re far too sad about worldwide injustices that you pretended to read about in the paper but secretly learned of via Youtube to smile. Therefore, denote that you’re weighed down under your inate ability to feel the pain of children in Africa without shoes (when you just bought yourself an iPad) by sporting a face that says, ‘MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ at all times.

6. Be like, whatever

Being like, whatever tells the world that you’re like, whatever about stuff- the personality equivalent of ‘this is how I roll’s’ cooler uncle with an ironic handlebar ‘tache. Surprisingly, being like, whatever involves an immense amount of time and effort. Think about it- you have to distress your own jeans, buy countless beanie hats to wear during the months of June and August, carry a great big heavy skateboard/guitar everywhere incase people insist upon seeing your skills, not to mention getting up at 5 a.m. to  create a hairdo that says, ‘This old thing? Lolz dude, I just rolled out of bed. East Coast or West Coast rap?’ There are no shortcuts to being like, whatever. It takes a fuckload of time and effort to achieve, but is so worth it to sit there with your red plastic cup, listening to Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers at someone’s crib being all like, whatever. Awesome.

So there it is, folks. Six ways in which you can become the quirkiest S.O.B. that ever graced Starbucks with your presence. Ironically, of course.

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