Wahey! This is officially The Thinking Gal’s 100th Post!
So what better way to celebrate than by rhyming off 100 things that annoy the fuck clean out of me so that you can understand why I’m such a moaning cunt a little bit better? Probably lots of better ways. But here they are anyway:
1. Hypocritical bastards
2. Shopping centres
3. Snow in March
4. Tomatoes being poncily described as ‘vine tomatoes’, as if there’s another way to grow tomatoes.
6. Flapper dresses worn by girls who aren’t as slaggy as the rest of the group
7. Inspirational quotes on Facebook by people whose behaviour couldn’t be less inspirational if they tried… which they are too lazy to do.
8. Joey Essex
9. Kids today
10. People who say ‘sick’ when describing something good
11. Holly Willoughby
12. The Common Cold being called ‘Flu’
13. Leaving it to mellow if it’s only yellow
14. People who ‘LOL’ with a straight face
15. Old people who Tweet
16. Russell Howard and his ”good news”
17. Desperate wannabes who call Kim Kardashian ‘Kimmie <3’
18. People who start diets every Monday
19. The one who incessantly makes it known he sleeps around from One Direction
20. The one who looks like a woman from One Direction
21. The Jedwardy Irish one who keeps saying things are ‘Sick’ from One Direction
22. The other two from One Direction
23. People who Belieb
24. The amount of product placement in Pitbull’s songs
25. Diet versions of proper cakes
26. Zooey Deschanel
27. The unmitigated snobbery of Ted from How I Met Your Mother
28. Little Mix
29. Actually, everyone off X Factor. And you can fuck Leona Lewis into that category, too.
30. Stupid girls
31. Stupid men
32. People who say they don’t like things when they really mean that they don’t want to try anything new
33. Vain people whose appearance aren’t enough to quantify their vanity (but still take awkward semi-nude photographs for us all to laugh at on Facebook)
35. No mental breakdowns on Biggest Loser USA
36. Wanking feckin’ bankers
39. Caravan living
40. The word ‘Totes’
41. Texting as a form of prolonged communication
42. Joey Essex one more time
43. Sky TV, Broadband and all the other sub-par services they offer
44. Simon Cowell
45. Racists who say ‘Not trying to be racist, but…’ at the start of racist statements
46. The Americanisation of everything
49. People who clap like seals at anything that comes out of Will.I.Am’s mouth
50. The acceptance of Cheryl Cole as a legitimate human being
51. Anything described as a ‘National Treasure’
52. Shitty ‘celebrity’ versions of already grim TV programmes, except for the awkwardness of watching a bunch of non-entities trying to figure out who the other participants are
53. The small fucking portions on Masterchef
54. The phrase ‘Odds and Sods’
55. Vicky Binns
56. Everything about Kerry Katona
57. Ugg boots with denim skirts. Still.
58. Hashtagging things in a non-Twitter setting
59. Joey Essex again
60. Ant and Dec
61. The incorrect belief that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16
62. George at Asda
63. Watching Karl Pilkington trying not to smirk at how funny he thinks his contrived antiquated viewpoints are on ‘An Idiot Abroad’
64. Pizza Express
65. The little cartons of fruit in supermarkets that exist because it has become acceptable to expect never to cut your own fruit
66. People who bring their kids to Burger King every Saturday
67. Films about people who try to make it as a dancer
68. When you walk into someone’s house and it smells but eventually you don’t notice the smell because you’ve caught it too
69. ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘Specific’
71. People who specify that they can drive in their Facebook ‘Basic Info’, as if it’s a huge achievement
72. The fact that it takes a horsemeat scandal for people to think, ‘Hang on, what if supermarkets lie about what goes into processed food?’
73. George Osbourne
74. Women who describe their fondness for Mila Kunis as a ”girl crush”
75. Black trousers in non-office settings
76. Superscrimpers on Channel 4’s disproportionate validity to smugness ratio
77. Rip Off Britain
78. The Nolan sisters
79. Fifty Shades of shut the fuck up, the fact that you read this isn’t shocking anyone
80. Justin Bieber’s mum
81. The whole storyline between Kurt and Sarah Jessica Parker on Glee
83. Anything to do with the Harlem Shake
84. Any Youtube clip that goes viral and attracts comments like ‘LOOOOL’ and ‘LMFAO. Plz Justin Bieber tweet me’
85. Cunts who tweet Justin Bieber things like ‘I’d die happy if @JustinBieber would just RT this. I’m probably not special enough, though’, as if he’s going to fall for your reverse psychology. He doesn’t fucking care!
86. Monster Munch
87. All-denim ensembles. Didn’t work for Britney and Justin, not going to work for anybody else.
88. Rita Ora
89. Richard Branson’s jazzhandsy approach to being attention-seeking in business.
90. The fact that Apprentice contestants don’t get taken out the back and shot after being fired.
91. Smirnoff Ice
92. The crocodile tears of each and every Secret Millionaire
93. Payday loan ads. Considering they’re the only industry making money these days, they could up their budget to more than 25 quid.
94. Anything by Ed Hardy’s sweatshop of broken dreams and rape by Pauly D
95. Katy Perry’s faked stupidity wrapped in self-delusion of astute business-mindedness wrapped in actual stupidity
98. Jamie Oliver not understanding that everyone doesn’t have a £30 weekly carrot-budget
99.Driving cunts who don’t think to thank you for letting them in when they were in the wrong lane, usually as some sort of time saving measure while the rest of us just wait behind them like chumps.
100. David Spade
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to go celebrate by punching a wall and spending tonight in A&E.