Tag Archives: Geordie Shore

How To Apply Fake Tan

Gotta love looking translucent.

Too poor to go on holiday and looking pastier than Patsy Kensit being dry humped by a raw turkey crown? Shit one.

January, the month when suicide numbers hit their annual peak, is a continuous shitstorm of crap. And when it comes to having a sunkissed glow, you’re fucking kidding yourself if you think that’ll be happening anytime soon. No, such thoughts should be relegated to more suitable times of the year, such as the hour of Summer bestowed upon us sometime in May.

However, help is at hand when it comes to faking a tan, thanks to endless fake tanning goods propped up in supermarket shelves like the product equivalent of the Geordie Shore cast- promising to give you a Ronseal Wood Varnish glow should you buy, or punch your fuckin’ lights oot if you don’t. Fake tan, I imagine, is just a little bit rough.

But how do you achieve a natural shade that enhances you without looking too orange? You fucking don’t, alright. But I’m going to slap the bastard on anyway and get drunk quickly so I don’t notice the streaks and will happily fight anyone who dares to look in my direction.

What the fuck are you lookin' at?

What the fuck are you lookin’ at?

Here’s the lowdown on applying fake tan:

Trial and Error

Choosing the right tan is key- therefore, be prepared to try out lots of products before settling on the right one. Do this on the cheap by going to your local Semi-Chem and hotfooting it straight to the non-branded tanning wipes that look like they could also double up as toilet roll when you go camping. Go home and vaguely wipe your limbs with your purchase, taking care to vomit into a designated area, such as a toilet or bin, rather than all over yourself in reaction to the smell of the ‘scented’ wipes. Wait ten minutes and- hey presto- your beige-and-white striped body looks like a mobile version of Ralph Lauren’s Homeware Collection for Spring/Summer Every Year Since It Began, seeing at it looks the fucking same every time the bastard thing comes out. Now, having achieved an adequately stripey, Pikey look, sling your greasy mane into a BumBun (TM), and off you go to Debenhams where you can shoplift luxury brand tanning items to try without repercussion because the security team is unlikely to approach you for fear of being bitten. And contracting HIV.

Exfoliate

To achieve an even finish, one must exfoliate to get rid of dry patches and ensure that skin is smooth and even before applying product. Take an industrial sander and carefully apply to soles of feet, which have built up enough hard skin to achieve flipflop status in their own right, and try to close your mouth as much as possible so bits of hard skin don’t accidentally fly into it during sanding and make you die from shuddering. After your feet have been cut to ribbons, apply to industrial sander to elbows, knees and other crusty bits, carefully sweeping up discarded skin-bits to use as snow in next year’s nativity play at your local church. Finally, on delicate areas, such as your face and neck, opt for a dentist’s drill with bits of old carpet glue to it for that ultimate sheen. Failing that, don’t worry about exfoliating because nobody bothers to do it anyway.

A Hand’s Turn

Remember to take great care with your hands when applying tan, as they absorb product quickly and can turn a deep shade of orange within moments of contact with fake tan. Use gloves to combat the dreaded ‘tan hand’ fiasco. Tramp’s Tip: just slap it on without gloves and if anyone asks, tell them you’re best friends with Victoria Beckham and you’ve just returned from an afternoon of feeling her implants.

Victoria Beckham: Keeping it as real as Rev Run sitting in his big fucking mansion pretending to be ghetto.

Victoria Beckham: Keeping it as real as Rev Run sitting in his big fucking mansion pretending to be ghetto.

Care When Drying

Letting your tan dry after application is vital in getting an even finish. So no going outside naked and jumping in puddles, unless it’s absolutely an emergency. Or you want to achieve a nice Vitiligo look. Or you’re a big fan of Michael Jackson and wish to show your undying support for that time he lied about skin-lightening surgery. Or your desired shade of tan is ‘Pale and Dirty Bastard‘.

Stay in the Shade

Once you’ve got that first layer down, it’s all about building up the perfect shade that’s just right for you. Go to B&Q and get yourself a nice portable wood varnish shade chart, and use that as a bible in building your colour from ‘Moments from Asphyxiation’ to ‘Good News, Mr Jones- We’ve Decided To Turn Off Your Wife’s Life Support Machine Today To See What Happens. Don’t Worry, We Reckon She Has A Good Chance Of Living’. And beyond that, it’s up to you. Dare you go as far as ‘Cocksure Whore’, ‘Leather Bag Slag’ or even ‘My Electricity Bill Is Zero Because I’m My Own Lamp Vamp’. Or will you keep it mellow with ‘Michelle Heaton’s Oranger Mate’? The choice is yours*!

Chelsy Davy: A Cunt with a Stupid Tan

Chelsy Davy: A Cunt with a Stupid Tan

*Unless you’re still using those non-branded wipes, in which case, you may as well be drinking bleach. Good luck with that one.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Prick of the Week- Geordie Shore

After watching the first episode of MTV’s Geordie Shore- Chaos in Cancun on Tuesday night, I can only assume that the producers advertised recruitment for the show as ‘Are you a failed abortion with no job or future? Do you like saying the word ‘Bantah’ a lot, but have absolutely no idea that banter doesn’t mean having sex with strangers on camera that is played back to the general public in nightvision while they laugh at you? Were you facing a life of robbing to subsidise your benefits for learning difficulties? Well then, apply to Geordie Shore today, and start your new life as a glorified porn star who is paid to slither around the VIP section of low-rent nightclubs!’

Admittedly, I watch the show so this is entirely hypocritical of me. But I’d watch anything, so that doesn’t say much. There was a time when Geordie Shore was once funny, some of the characters were even *slightly* endearing, but, like every reality show nowadays, the characters have got wise on how to build up an ’empire’ (I’m using ’empire’ in the loosest possible sense here), and the show has become massively contrived and awkward.

Take baby-voiced, arm flailing, towel-as-daywearing, Charlotte and bitchy Lego man, Gary. I am fucking sick to the back teeth of looking at these two gimps as they act out the sort of on-again off-again relationship that would have Katie Price saying, ‘Enough is enough. This bullshit isn’t worth the coverage in Heat magazine’.

Gary’s wingman is Jay, the perfect posterchild for a campaign to adopt capital punishment in the UK, with the slogan, ‘Who cares if a few innocent men are convicted wrongly and die? It’ll be alreet, pet.’ 

On the outskirts of this nonce-fest is Sophie, a lesser wanker than the others, but a wanker none-the-less. Sophie has left behind boyfriend Joel, basically an uglier-faced Ken doll with a very prominent steroid-addiction, to go to Cancun. Lucky her.

But sadly, these four are the most likable of the cast. My least favourite is James– a poor man’s Anthony Hutton who makes me want to invent a time machine just so I can go back to the time of his conception and stop his mother from downing those rohypnol-laced lagers and beg his father to stop raping women in the back alley of the pub. His treatment of Holly, a girl with daddy issues so severe, the entire live-in community of the Playboy mansion is currently sending her a ‘Thinking of You During this Difficult Time’ card, is abysmal, but hey- that’s just the power of the combover. Holly is best friends by default with Rebecca, Newcastle’s answer to Olive Oyl from Popeye, if Olive Oyl was a massive tart.

In the midst of this pack of abysmal cunts is Ricci and Vicky, Newcastle’s equivalent to a more-unlikable Fred and Rost West. Both are underlying serial killers- Vicky’s uncontrollable rage, egoism and relentless bullying simmering at the edges, coupled with Ricci’s arrogant bastardism, coloured Ray-Ban favouring and general drunk dickheadness make for the sort of concoction that would make the majority of the general public turn a blind eye if a terrorist attack occurred in the Newcastle Upon Tyne area.

So now the ‘gang’ are in Cancun, ready to slime around the place, spreading AIDs all over everything in Mexico and getting on it like a car bonnet. Mexico is famed for being the murder capital of the world, but it is assured that Cancun is a very safe place for tourists to holiday with absolutely no threat of murder. Pity that.

Geordie Shore– fuck you.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Being a Himbo- Tips for the Modern Man

In an attempt to abolish the idea that this website is written exclusively for women who need to be put in their place, by women who need to be put in their place, I think it’s time to address the male readers of this blog and give them a few tips to enrich their lives. So, thank you for reading, boys, and this blog goes out to the three of you.

Let me start by clarifying that I never meant to alienate you with the pretty pink backdrop you are currently staring at.  This is a frequent misconception about my blog, and it would like me to point out that it isn’t pink, it’s merely blushing at how paltry and forced the jokes are.

Anyway, the Feminist Rights Movement called for the abolition of gender inequality, in the hope that, one day, men and women would be viewed as equal on all platforms. One would expect that this movement would propel the human race to disregard the objectification of women, and allow women the freedom to think and be heard, to be educated and to have the right to the same opportunities as men. In short, to remove the idea from society that women are just mothers, housewives and sexual playthings.

That’s the ideal. Many women still choose to tart themselves up, hoist up the cleave and call it ‘entrepreneurial’. ‘Beauty is power!’ they cry to shitty tabloid papers, whilst having little else to say because being smart isn’t attractive, and that elaborating means they have to use their words. Nonetheless, the Feminist Rights Movement and evolution itself has facilitated a change in attitude that promotes equality among the two sexes- but, while many women have enjoyed this progression, many men are choosing to devolve to nothing more than posing, pretty boys. Welcome to the age of the Himbo.

From Geordie Shore to, well, Jersey Shore, Himbos are out en masse, and if you don’t like it, well- you were a slag anyway. Next! At least that’s what they’d say. Himbos are very visual and like to keep women ‘on their game’ by telling them how ugly, fat and interchangeable they are. This is the first rule of being a Himbo- treat ’em mean, keep ’em lean.

Speaking of being lean- as an aspiring Himbo, disguise the fact that you are a vain motherfucker with no personality by being in great shape. This can be achieved by spending your whole day pumping iron at the gym and taking a fuckload of steroids. Don’t forget that diet of Lucozade, cigarettes, protein shakes and self-loathing! Fist pump!

Enhance your chiselled son-of-a-bitch self with a leathery, dehydrated tan and the latest fashion pour hommes. Every Himbo worth his salt knows that a pair of jeans that don’t cover your arse and are hanging low at the crotch are a fashion must, the more flourescent the better. These are extremely versatile and show off your cunty cartoon briefs that aren’t cool and make you look mentally disabled. Said jeans can be dressed up or down as required, for example, when you tire of working as a ‘model’ in Hollister and fruitlessly visit your local jobcentre, team your fuckwitted jeans with an annoying 80’s throwback t-shirt and American Apparel hoodie. You douche.

When heading for a Himbo night out the town in search of slags and chlamydia, complete your outfit with a wife-beater style top that barely covers your nipples. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to Topman and just look at the very first garment as you walk in the door- it’ll be the top I’m referring to. Choosing an appropriate top is easy- just look for something that suggests, ‘I’m sorry I raped you, but my friends and I were having a competition to see who was the best sociopath. LOL.’ Infact, Topman may have this very slogan in store. Fortunately, such slogans supply you with a much needed personality, and may make it easier to break the ice when trying to approach a lady who you’d like to date and later mentally abuse.

House of Himbo Spring/Summer 2012 Collection Bestseller

Which brings me to my next subject: companionship. Much like the outdated tradition in which a bride is ‘given away’ by her father to her new husband like a ritualistic ‘fuck you’ to feminism, Himbos are nurtured by controlling and subservient mothers whose doting is so intense, no woman will ever be enough for him. Reluctantly, the right to iron his clothes, cook for him and generally be a slave are passed on nonetheless. When you finally decide to stop drinking in the type of shitholes where your flourescent Converse stick to the carpeted dancefloor when you are trying to dance to LMFAO’s ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It’, you will need a Bimbo with whom you can settle down and kill time until death by defining yourself by the car you own. You must choose a partner who matches you in vanity, intellect and ability to fight and cheat relentlessly. It’s probably that whore over there with the face piercings. No, not the goth- the slag over there doing the Slut Drop.

Make your Bimbo feel loved and cherished by telling her how much you love her via Facebook and other public domains. Conversing face to face just means no-one can see how much better and happier you two are than the rest of us, whereas putting private and intimate information on Facebook is more attention-seeking and dick-bagged. Respect.

The love between Himbo and Bimbo is sacred and built on a long tradition of doing a poor man’s version of whatever the Beckhams are currently doing smugly and publicly. The Beckhams’ latest self-marketing ploy is to be perceived as demure and private, all the while living in L.A. and actually doing the opposite of being demure and private. Adopt this strategy by structuring your sentences as follows: ‘Not to brag, but (insert bragging bullshit that no-one gives a fuck about here)‘.  When in the company of other couples, bore everybody shitless by whittering on about your dull and unremarkable life. People love hearing about your lives because you’re so glamorous. And remember to name drop as much as possible so as to impress everybody else that you know someone rich, which makes you better by association.

And finally, whether your hobnobbing with others and getting your ‘brand‘ out there, or just chilling with your friends that you call ‘homies’ or some other outdated word- remember to talk like an absolute cunt. Make sure to overuse the words ‘Awesome’, ‘Rock’ (as a verb), ‘Super’, ‘Dude’ and ‘Epic’, it’s really original and not hilarious in a laughing-at-you way at all. Justin Bieber would be proud, dude.

Oh, and before I forget, invest in a tennis racket to bat back all of the offers from MTV to star in their new reality show, seeing as you are ideal.

Tagged , , , ,

How To Earn More Money And Get Out Of Debt

We are a nation in debt. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to cut down on the things I like for the purpose of saving money, because I’m a greedy, materialistic non-entity whose ‘stuff’ defines my existence. Only joking…

Wonderful human being, Martin Lewis has long been flying the flag for Joe Public, in the fight against corporate crime, greed and the age of consumer manipulation. His goal in life is to get us all out of debt and back to a simpler time when money market instruments weren’t designed to extort money from confused individuals, stealing the livelihood of African farmers was not an ‘investment opportunity’ and when buying a house meant you weren’t paying it it off until retirement the sweet release of death. He is a great man.

But unfortunately, his tips to get us saving money and out of debt are all a bit grim. Do I really want to stop buying the same Primark top over and over again? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, because confidence can be bought! Do I really want to cut down on my grocery shopping? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, for I like eating until I vomit! Do I really want to ring the bank to reclaim the PPI they fraudulently added to my loan? No I don’t Martin Lewis, because I can’t be arsed and Geordie Shore is on!

What we need is to be enthusiastic about saving money and getting out of debt- to make the art of frugality a bit more amusing, sociable and fun.

So here are my own non-boring tips to make some extra money and get yourself out of debt:

1. Commit credit card fraud

If you can’t afford to spend on your own credit cards, applying for them fraudulently in someone’s else name not only stimulates our economy, but saves you a fortune. Step one- Open an Excel spreadsheet and title it ‘People I’m Robbing’. Step Two- Rummage through the same bins for months, gathering important and private information about the owner. Step Three- Once enough information has been gathered, apply online like the cowardly thief you are for all sorts of finance. Step Four- Go on a spending spree with your stolen money. Step Five- Get caught. Step Six- Get a friend to cement your arse-crack for your stint in prison.

2. Fake your own death

And say goodbye to debt repayments forever. In addition to being a hilarious prank to play on loved ones, faking your own death cuts down a lot of other everyday expenses too- such as phone bills (because you’ll be dead) and rent (because you’ll be dead). Prior to faking your own death, pick a hereditary illness to later die of, so that your siblings will be shitting themselves and lying awake at night, waiting for the grim reaper- titter! Entertain yourself at your funeral by rolling out of the coffin when someone accidentally gets too close in grief, making your family hoist your lifeless body back in whilst weeping with horror. Then use your coffin as a raft to sail the whole way to Panama. Hello, new life in the sun!

3. Steal from friends and family

If you choose not to fake your own death as you’d miss your loved ones too much, then why not steal from them instead? Stealing from friends and family is an easy and effective way to up your income, mostly because they trust you enough to let you into their homes where you can spend all day deciding what to pawn to Cash Converters in exchange for material items that are more important than your relationships. Heads up: sentimental value means nothing in Cash Converters, so if you’re going to say, steal your Grandmother’s locket, remember to throw out the picture of her with her beloved deceased dog, Tricksy, first.

4. Start playing slot machines

Gambling via slot machines, is a low-risk, high-return way to nurse your pockets back to financial health. And you don’t even need any money to get started. Simply enter any depressing pub, and take your start-up capital right out of the charity box. The children of Africa don’t mind- you need it more than them. Then spend every waking hour of the rest of your life playing Poker with a teletext-style computer. Insider secret: ploughing your meagre winnings back into the machine is a brilliant idea as this maximises your chances of winning even more money. You’ll be rich on your next go, I can feel it.

5. Sell a baby

Self explanatory really. Sell a baby.

6. Become clinically depressed

Being depressed to the extent you cannot get out of bed in the morning is an excellent way to avoid the shops and save some cash. In addition, because you aren’t paying money off your mountain of bills, you’ll be too depressed to answer the door to the balliffs who have come round to kick your fuck in and take your plasma screen. Bingo!

7. Blackmail someone

Besides being an excellent money-maker, blackmail has endless benefits- it helps to develop your interpersonal skills, you can hone your arts and crafts skills by making ransom notes, and you might even make a few friends in the process! Simply stalk someone until you uncover a dirty secret, and then threaten to tout on them. Remember, the art of blackmail is like dancing, you move and your partner reacts for as long as you choose to keep it up. Blackmail- like Zumba, but for cunts.

8. Participate in clinical trials

Clinical trials have long been an effective way for the emotionally damaged to earn some extra money, but us ‘normals’ have never really subscribed because we prefer to have all of our fingers intact, rather than obtain the money to buy a big bag of crack. But, in all honesty, do we really need all those fingers? I, for one, would be glad to cut down the time I take to manicure my nails.

9. Create your own spam e-mail

May I suggest, ‘Greeting frend. I am writing not for donation, but seeking companionship in time difficult to me. You see, my father, Prince Henrik the Second of Pretchovakia, is ill and soon to die. I am heir to throne and estate- you see, I need not the donation and am how your people say ‘heavy of pocket’. I seek lady frendship to talk and have the elbow to cry on. In my country, men talk not of feeling but I am twentyeth century male for new millenium and wish to meet lady to walk long on beach, listen to the Michael Buble and govern nation like Princess. I even pay air travel costs. All I ask is pleasure of getting to know you, such as name, first line of address, postcode, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, bank account number, sort code and characters 1 and 5 of your secret answer. Please enclose these details as reply so we can get to know each other. Many hug and more, Steve Henrik the Third’.

Obviously, you can write whatever you want, just made sure you ask the recipient for their private information in a conspicuous and savvy way, as above.

10. Prostitution

Prostitution is an excellent second job. Not only is it a tax-efficient way to make some extra cash, but you can also save on petrol by getting your ‘John’ to drop you off at your next destination, be it your pimp’s hovel, neighbourhood meth clinic or local shop that sells feather boas, ripped tights and other prostitute attire.

So there you have it, folks- ten ways in which you can finally get yourself out of debt and back to the good life. Anyways, I have to cut this one short, the internet is really expensive in Panama and my pimp keeps tapping his watch.

Tagged , , , ,
Advertisements