Tag Archives: How I Met Your Mother

How To Make It Through An Episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

I’ve been a long-time supporter of mocking ‘How I Met Your Mother’, ever since the series 2 finale in which it became apparent that the programme is not a fleeting tale of  love in the Big Apple but instead, a fucking snore-fest desperately trying to make ‘fetch’ happen. Gretchen- it’s not going to happen.

If I was to meet Ted in the street, I would gleefully stab him to death with that yellow umbrella they dangle in front of us like a begging dog.

The only reason why I’m currently still watching was because I heard that Jason Segal, who plays Marshall, wanted to leave (who could blame him?) and I was hoping they’d kill him off. Slowly.

And before you think I’m a fussy viewer, let me tell you that I can’t wait for the launch of TLC tomorrow so that I can re-watch all of the first series of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, seeing as watching it on Youtube the first time round was difficult for me because I kept getting distracted by advertised clips for ‘Proof that Finchel is the Best Glee Couple Ever’ and ‘Mario Lopez Salsa Dancing’. In short, I’m too much of a moron to be fussy.

Anyways, here’s my top tips for surviving through an episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’:

Preparing for the Inevitable

Ted will not meet the mother in this episode. Brief yourself with that information before watching, because it’s never going to fucking happen.

Laughing at the Name ‘Cobie Smulders’

Cobie Smulders: Fuck Knows Why.

Cobie Smulders: Fuck Knows Why.

Get your kicks where you can. ‘Cobie’ and ‘Smulders’ are terrible names just as they stand, but added together is enough for you to muster up a small laugh that also doubles-up as a nasal exhale. Thanks for that, Cobie Smulders.

Watching the Demise of Jason Segel

One of the only things that makes watching repeats of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ bearable is enjoying the uglification of Marshall. Bet you never noticed it before- well, now you fucking will. Its all I can think about when he drags his motherfucking tired skank ass all over that clearly-fake New York City set. It’s kind of like when you know a female lead just had a baby in real life  and is still carrying the baby weight, but what the fuck is Jason Segel’s excuse? What was he carrying, massive twins that he had to have delivered by someone who accidentally shaved his hair into the same style as Ted from Scrubs? Fuck sake.

Jason Segel

Ted Mosby vs Ted Bundy

Spending the episode laughing at online wankers who post on the ‘How I Met Your Mother’ will certainly make the 23-minutes of hell plus 7 minutes of slightly-less-hellish Wink Bingo and Tena Lady advertisements go a little bit faster. My favourite HIMYM-related past time is going on to the ‘I Love Ted’ sub-forum and making comparisons between Ted Mosby and his bad-boy serial killer namesake, Ted Bundy. People get really pissed off when you suggest that Ted met the mother when she was being beheaded by him for his corpse-basement collection.

Suit up, Ted! Seriously, because you're in court today on account of raping and killing loads of women.

Suit up, Ted! Seriously, because you’re in court today on account of raping and killing loads of women.

Turn Off the TV

And don’t worry, because you aren’t going to miss a thing. Well, aside from Ted living out the lyrics of ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ by Michael Buble in the shittest sense that this concept could possibly achieve, and meeting the mother in the end who is sure to be played by someone equally as bland as the rest of the cast (Neil Patrick Harris included, who loses maximum cool-points for being in a relationship with David Burtka and is, therefore, annoying by association). My guess is Malin Akerman.

But I’m going to tell the ‘I Love Ted’ forumites that I bet Ted’s other half is the character that plays Ted’s daughter, who is actually sitting in his sex dungeon listening to the tale of how Ted met her own mother and told her that he was holding her daughter captive and forcing her to carry his children against her will as part of the sequel, ‘How I Strangled Your Mother Before She Could Go To The Police’. Just to give them something to complain about.

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How I Met Your Mother- Will You Ever Tell Us, Ted?!?

Is it just me or is this story being dragged out more than the entire cast of Ru Paul’s Drag Race?

I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother since the beginning; I’ve roared with laughter at Barney’s various ‘Suit Up’ quips, smiled fondly at said ‘Suit Up’ quips being recycled occasionally, and eventually got bored of the same ‘Suit Up’ quips that circulate endlessly around the How I Met Your Mother writing staff, who, at this stage, I imagine have all died of boredom while sneakily playing a tape recorded speel of themselves saying, ‘I Know! How about we write an episode about Marshall being tempted to sell out to corporatism but eventually opts to do the right thing. That’ll stun our audience of humourless trolls and others who have invested too much time in watching this show to give up now’.

I am in the latter group of poor, tired souls who don’t really care anymore. I don’t care about Barney and his scumbaggery towards the hapless prostitutes he entertains. I don’t care about Marshall and Lily and their annoying relationship of mutual support set against a backdrop of a Smashmouth album, a beer keg and other Americana that their host network really needs to pay the writers of American Pie royalties for unashamedly poaching. I don’t care about Robin, with her stupid gum-grin and her cries of ‘I hate children and marriage!’ which, if you listen closely enough, nearly disguise the sound of her uterus weeping. And above all else, I seriously don’t give a fuck about Ted (I have always found him intolerable), and his pretentious, needy existence. Anyone who can be summed up as ‘this generation’s Ross from Friends’ is a cunt in my book.

So now I’m hanging on with my immaculate fingernails (unbitten due to lack of suspense in the last four series’) to see how he finally meets the mother. My guess is that she isn’t Robin (he refers to her when conversing with his children as ‘Aunt Robin’, although this can be miraculously explained away by lots of How I Met Your Mother Conspiracy Theorists/The long-term unemployed, or any other the other 2-dimensional women he bores to death on his purposely-quirky dates. I think the mother will be a supercilious snob whose kookiness is the only thing that surpasses her clear intent to appear scatterbrained and ‘interesting’. Basically, Zooey Deschanel’s character in New Girl, but with a different name. Maybe- if the writers can be arsed.

Whoever she is, good luck to her. With all the forced fun to bear, she’ll need it.

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