Tag Archives: jeremy clarkson

How To Appear More Intelligent When You’re Thick As Two Short Planks

Intelligence is a valuable commodity in today’s world; not only are the world’s resources running out and there is limited space on the lifeboat, but appearing intelligent means you get away with all sorts of crap. Just look at Jeremy Clarkson- if he wasn’t awarded a badge of intellectual superiority by the viewing public of Men & Motors, someone would have shot him a long time ago.

The great news is, you don’t actually have to be intelligent to appear so. It is merely an illusion, just like appearance, and if the prostitute formerly known as Katie Price can plaster on enough make-up to be mistaken for a sexually abused ’80s mannequin and be applauded for it, then why shouldn’t we pad out our intelligence in the same way?

But of course you don’t want to learn or self-improve in any way that may add value to your life. As always, I’m on hand to help you fake it ’til you make it, with handy tips to allude intelligence while still remaining as dumb as a box of rocks that had fallen on their heads as baby rocks. Yes.

Figure out how to use your and you’re

As social media is a prevalent source of communication, the way we write helps to build an overview of our intelligence. Therefore, if you’re the type of person who writes in TXT MSG SPK even though your word count is uncapped, you just look like a buffoon. If you are normal, then my only advice is: learn to use ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. The grammar police are watching you and, seeing as people who take delight in pointing out grammar mistakes are generally imbecilic and petty, they will take you down.

If you are unclear on their meanings, ‘your’, is as in ‘Mr and Mrs Jones, I have some bad news- your daughter is dead. I’m sorry to be the one who has to tell you, but she was addicted to heroin and kept it from you because of your heart condition. She has been using since your son committed suicide after he was found guilty of embezzling your life savings, and she could not cope with your lack of communication towards her any longer. She took your car and drove it off the cliff at the end of your road. Police arrived too late on the scene after your neighbour alerted us. All we have found from the debris so far is a solitary note, saying, ‘I killed myself because your so disappointed in me,’ which is obviously a misuse of the word ‘your’, but let’s not split hairs over it’.

You’re’ is as in, ‘You’re the reason I never made anything of my life, and one day, when you’re not expecting it, I’m going to put rat poison in your soup and bury your body parts all over the house’. Learn how to use these two grammar sneaks and you’ll be the toast of Twitter.

Start wearing glasses

Humans respond to visual clues when perceiving others in a certain way, so wearing glasses will help you appear smarter. You can also let them slide down your nose discreetly, and when making a point, push them back up to make others think, ‘Ooooh, that geek means business’. Glasses are expensive so you could probably get them free on the NHS if you threw some acid into your eyes, but then you’ll be bound for life to be ridiculed in the street for being a specky four-eyes. Therefore, you might be best making a circle with your thumb and forefinger, and rimming your eyes with your hands. Et voila, clever on the cheap.

Read more

Reading more is a great way to acquire more knowledge. But you don’t want to spend your precious time reading words like a big norman- you want to give the illusion of reading without having to be bothered actually doing it. Therefore, drilling peepholes in all of your books so you can still watch Jeremy Kyle USA while pretending to read, or reading encyclopaedias that are big enough to hide your copy of Pick Me Up will give others the impression that you’re reading, when you’re still just a big imbecile. If watching Youtube clips of dogs falling into ponds is your poison, tilting the screen away from everyone in the room, and asking others, ‘What is the BBC News website address?’, while actually typing in ‘Funny dog clips’ to Google will have everyone fooled. Remember, not all internet sources are accurate. Except this blog- it’s all fucking true here.

Don’t forget your street smarts

As many aggressive drug-addicts will tell you, having ‘street smarts’ is just as important as being ‘book smart’ in the world of intellect. Being street smart includes, but is not limited to, being irrationally suspicious of people at all times, being hardened against tales of woe from all societal groups in need and just being a general cruel bastard in everyday life. Street smarts are great because they’re a win/win: either other people with street smarts think you’re smart and give you respect, or the rest of us are too scared to point out that ‘street smarts’ are just a defence mechanism from years of mistreatment and not enough love from your parents, for fear that you will absolutely destroy us by prising our eyes out of their sockets with your cold, dead hands.

So there you have it- four tips designed to make you appear more intelligent while also preserving a life of blissful ignorance. I disgust me.

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8 Simple Rules For Building Your Confidence

Confidence is a valuable asset to aid progression in professional, social and personal scenarios. It enables a person to effectively have their opinion heard and respected, without offense or defence, while eliminating the elements of second-guessing or misinterpretation of passivity, or the potential to be hurt or bewildered by aggression.

I, like most, wasn’t born with the ability to be confident and assertive; in earlier life, I tended to lean toward passive behaviour, passive aggressive when pushed, and find it difficult to deal with my aggressive counterparts. But with a little training and practice, we can all obtain the confidence that we need to get through this miserable existence until death.

Following the tips below will help you on your path to higher confidence and an increased ability to be assertive, helping you to lead a happier, more productive life.

 

Know Your Rights

Having an over-inflated sense of self affords you an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement. If anyone gets more than you, argue pettily and bitterly until you are remunerated, even if you had no desire to obtain what the other person got. In order to get yourself adequately riled, read The Sun or equivalent tabloid for morons, and allow yourself to be tricked into believing the sensationalised stories about benefit fraud and immigration. Wonder how the abuse of such systems will affect you, and start a fucking riot with other vandals and wankers. Make sure you start all your sentences with ‘I’m not racist but (insert racism here)’. That means it’s not racist or offensive.

Work On Your Appearance

Appearing confident begins with looking confident. Force yourself to watch a whole episode of Gok Wan’s ‘Dress Your Bangers and On-Trend Self Thin With Spanx and Stupid Blazers, Girlfriend’ or whatever- try not to kill yourself during this process. Feebily head to Marks and Spencers to buy the outfit that Gok told you to buy because the media said so. Wear outfit even though it looks ridiculous and put the thought that dressing to impress is fucking futile, you’ve either got it or you haven’t, to the back of your head. And walk out that door with a new found confidence to give the world the finger.

 

Be Calm

Confidence is relayed from those who appear calm and controlled, no matter how daunting the situation is. Emulate calmness by constantly doing an impression of the telephone woman who says ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised’– she sounds like she has her shit together. Now you’ve got the right voice, get a demeanor to match by taking a fuckload of sleeping tablets washed down with copious amounts of energy stimulant to keep you awake, but zombie-like. Hey presto, cool as a cucumber!

 

Know Yourself

Get to know ‘You’– what are your hopes and dreams? Likes and dislikes? Abilities? Knowing yourself will help you to speak up and relay yourself to others. However, there are so many people in the world nowadays that you are probably very similar to someone else, and thus, save yourself some time and just pick someone to copy. If you are female, you’ll probably want to be Kim Kardashian, so just slather yourself in bullshit, mis-use the word ‘literally’ (e.g. I was literally just abducted by aliens, literally literally literally) and complain at length about your lack of privacy while selling your life to the highest bidder. If you are male, you are less fortunate as you only have Justin Bieber, Jeremy Clarkson or James Cordon to choose from. And with death not being an option, shit one.

 

Speak Your Mind

Speaking your mind is a great way to justify being a total bastard to someone, because you can always just blame the fact that you’re ‘keeping it real’, when in fact, it is much kinder to live and let live. Therefore, making yourself feel better by pointing out someone else’s excessive armpit fat or muffin top also makes you a better person, your friend’s divorce was inevitable because she is a failure and your lack of enthusiasm for someone else’s dreams is just a way of protecting them against making a shambles out of their life because they’re too stupid to succeed. Definately. Hashtag just sayin’.

 

Learn To Say ‘No’

The art of saying ‘no‘ is difficult to master, but is ultimately advantageous in allowing you to say ‘yes’ to the things you really want to do, or have time for. The trick is to become really unapproachable and cagey, so that no-one ever wants to ask you anything or even go near you, for fear of you biting their head off. In addition to making a mountain out of a molehill when anyone requests five minutes of your time, remind them that they’ve troubled you by sighing loudly throughout, rolling your eyes and updating your Facebook status to ‘Hate when dickheads can’t take the hint’. When confronted, say ‘I’m sorry…. that you’re so sensitive.’ It’s their fault for being them.

 

Stop Thinking The Grass Is Always Greener

Overvaluing the lives and experiences of others’ is a surefire way to lower your own self-esteem, adversely affecting your confidence. Train your mind to see that the grass isn’t always greener by belittling the achievements of others’, preferably on a public domain where your opinion may influence others. If you are unsure of where to begin, consult any magazine geared towards women, and see how they dissect the lives of celebrities by circling atom-size celulite patches and pointing out coldsores. Then put this into practice in the real world. If someone is richer than you, start a rumour that their house has a weird smelly-house smell. If someone has a better job, point out to them that they possess this at the expense of family time by getting their toddlers hooked on crack. And if anyone dares to outshine you in the looks department, sell your story to the Daily Mail that they are a jealous whore, and when you provoke a public outcry, sell another story to the Daily Mail entitled, ‘See? See?!? I Fucking Told You I Was Better. By Samantha Brick’.

 

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Acquiring confidence and the ability to be assertive takes time and constant effort. So, if you are only beginning to put the above legimate and totally serious tips into practice, chances are that you still don’t feel totally confident. Therefore, pretending you’re confident will help to alleviate feelings of doubt and insecurity. This can be achieved by saying things like ‘swag’, even though no-one really knows what the fuck is happening. If you’re female, you might want to suffix your sentences with ‘snappy fingers’ for extra pizazz and to distract people from the fact that you’ve spent all afternoon crying about your life. Men can achieve this by getting a derogatory statement about women shaved into the back of their head, for example ‘Bitches’ or ‘Hoes’.

And knock ’em dead, dolls! Literally.

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