Reality television is a very popular format upon which many current stars were born, and with legitimate career opportunities at an all-time low, coupled with the amount of human fuckwits at an all time high, there has never been a better time for people with absolutely no shame to break into the exciting world of reality TV. Here’s how you can do it in five easy steps:
Be The Architect of Your Own Fuckwittery
Unfortunately, they don’t just let anyone star on reality television- you must be exceptional in your field, and should represent yourself as so. Look at reality TV greats of yesteryear: Frankie Cocozza, The Situation, Amy Childs, etc. What do they all have in common? That’s right, they are all cunts.
Therefore, after decking yourself out with a suitably detestable name (e.g The Lord, Shabba or RapeBoi) play about with cunty catchphrases (e.g ‘That’s funkypigeon dot com’, ‘Merp’ or ‘Less of the argy-bargy!’), wanky haircuts, racist tattoos, fake-designer clothing, and perhaps even a signature dance move like the little one from JLS who looks like zombified Michael Jackson in the video for Thriller. He fairly sings for his supper, bless him. In the end, your persona should be attractive enough for teenaged girls to stop picking fudge out of their braces long enough to try to get ‘The Lord is our shepherd, there is nothing I shall want’ trending on Twitter, but not attractive to the point that under-aged fans will be tempted to sell details of sleeping with you to the papers.
When choosing your fame platform, don’t just sign up to any old show- be fussy and pick ones that will showcase you in the right way. If you have zero talent and are a generally worthless human being, why not sign up to appear on Big Brother, where all you need to get accepted are daddy issues, an eating disorder and a rampant STD (make sure you tick the ‘not fully blown AIDs yet’ box, as then you’ll still be allowed in the hot-tub).
If your talent is being pretty or having ‘swag’, then you could probably make it to the bootcamp stage of X Factor, in which you’ll most likely be lumped into to a band with four other interchangeable versions of yourself as a lifeline. Remember to practise your surprised face for when Simon Cowell announces this development in slow-motion against a soundtrack of Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Finally, if you have a sense of self-worth but are not overly good-looking, you’ll probably not make it in the glamourous world of reality TV. Best dropping out now and leaving it to the pros, hos and schmos, yeah?
Any reality star worth their salt-diluted cocaine knows that one does not merely ‘make it’ in the world of celebrity. Fame costs- and right here is where you start payin’ in the currency of humiliation, parental shame and the threat of going to hell. Believe it or not, some of the most famous reality stars strategised their rise to fame; who knew the participants of Big Brother have a ‘game plan’? Not me! There are many ways to do this but the quickest route is ‘Sleep with a co-star, fake a pregnancy scare, don’t take a pregnancy test straight away because you’re ‘trying to figure out how you feel’, tell the potential father, potential father asks ‘Is it mine?’, you run away crying, potential father comes after you to apologise and say he’ll do his best to raise the baby, you and potential father make a go of it for a day, take a pregnancy test, pregnancy test negative, break up a week later, selling story to Daily Star entitled ‘My pregnancy scare hell with Zippy from Big Brother 17- How A Lucky Escape Saved Me and My Unborn Non-Child’. Popty ping- instant fame.
Partner Up With A Mate
When acquired, the best way to heighten your fame is to pool it with another mediocre reality star and ponce about town together, getting ‘papped’ doing futile things like shopping for your worthless selves and generally being a posterchild for capital punishment. Partnering up has many other advantages, such as throwing a spanner in the works to prolong being ‘outed’ by the press (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian), providing a ruse against the universal suspicion that you are asexual (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian) and facilitating some much needed company at night when you would have otherwise just spent your time alone, at home, ugly-crying and tweeting pictures of yourself in your sunglasses and underwear to your fans (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian).
Of course, you can also increase your headlines three-fold by deciding to have a child with your fellow reality star, perhaps snagging you a maternity line for Argos and an exclusive feature in OK! magazine when the poor bastard is born. However, it is important to note that, unlike in mathematics, two negatives do not make a positive; your child is likely to be a clinically-diagnosed imbecile. But hey, that just means you’ll be nominated for Wink Bingo’s Parent of the Year. Score!
Diversify Your Brand
Sadly, your five minutes must come to an end at some stage- but you can diversify your brand to prolong your fame and refresh your current image. If you’ve followed the above steps and your show was cancelled, you’ve had the baby and you’ve broke up with your partner, now is the time to diversify into new markets, such as taking loads of drugs in a seedy nightclub, becoming gay, getting diabetes or being ‘horrified’ by a ‘leaked’ sex tape. You could also take it one step further and die, as there are many new, untouched opportunities in this industry for reality stars, such as coffin-endorsements, memorial plates and then, of course, a reality show that writes itself as you star in your own journey to the afterlife.
And finally, shine on, stars of tomorrow!