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The Five Types of Bitch

Love You, Mean It
As the sort of person who doesn’t like to ruffle feathers out of the sort of fear that induces IBS, I don’t like to generalise women, especially considering that they’re a damn sight better than men. But let’s face it- there’s a cunt epidemic out there amongst us gals that is spreading quicker than genital warts in One Direction’s shared abode. Why do women act like bitches?

Let me first say that this is a very small minority of women. Most are decent people, you know, normal humans preoccupied with their own stuff whilst mildly aware of trying to avoid stepping on the toes of other, similarly self-preoccupied women. And we all like those people.

But then, every now and again, we all have the misfortune to encounter an almighty biatch whose sole purpose in life is to ruin the buzz of every lady, aspiring lady and honorary manlady in her big selfish-cuntbag path. A bitch whose own ineptitude has marinated so long, it is able to project itself like a flying turd right down the front of my motherfucking blouse. And to those women, I say ‘Fuck you, bitch’.

This reading is (hopefully) not my usual blog style of a crazy beast hoping to Jesus that those voices in her head are ”normal” and ”will go away”, and please, don’t think I’m trying to be some sort of new Samantha Brick, desperate to tar women with a jealous brush to explain away her own unlikeableness and narcissism, I’m just saying that some women are bitches. And that small minority are the single reason why some arsehole men call us all bitches, when the majority aren’t.

But there isn’t just one type of bitch. Oh no, that would make them too easy to expose. Here are my five types of bitch:

You Know Who I’m Worried About?

Ever converse with a passive aggressive mate who likes to pick mutual aquaintances that are down on their luck by saying, ‘You know who I’m worried about?‘ and then proceeds to bitch and whine endlessly about the person whom she claims to have compassion for. You know what? In this scenario, sharing is not caring. Why not just say, ‘You know who I hate? Me. I hate me. But my self-hatred has been somewhat alleviated by Jodie getting dumped by her boyfriend. Let’s discuss that, plus suggest reasons for why Jodie is unlovable. Perhaps afterwards I can cite these reasons to other mutual friends, but to them, I’ll say that Jodie’s ex-boyfriend threw all this shit in her face as he packed up and left. Also, I might suggest that Jodie has attempted suicide, but I’ll put a comedic slant on it, like she tried to slit her wrists with a butterknife or something, so that people don’t get concerned enough to confront her and then everyone will find out that I’ve made it all up. Apart from Jodie getting dumped, which was, terrifically, true. Hooray!’

I’m Just Telling It Like It Is

If you have to suffix, ‘I’m just telling it like it is’ to your sentences, then you probably didn’t have to tell it like it is because you really didn’t have to be that mean. ‘Honesty is the best policy’ bitches are just cunts behind smokescreens. Yes, you could be totally blunt, or… have a bit of tact?

Passing Off Criticism as Constructive Criticism

‘Critical’ bitches who reassure themselves that their comments are constructive are similar to our chip-laden shouldered lasses in the former category, but with the added delusion of thinking that they are handing out valuable and appreciated advice to the recipient. In reality, this is usually not the case. If a bitch feels the need to constantly criticise others under the guise of ‘self-improvement’, then she’s the one with the problem. Perhaps she could well-meaningly criticise herself and see how long it takes before she breaks down and starts shooting up the motherfucking Mac counter, for they make us look like clowns. Probably for a laugh. But that’s neither here nor there. Where was I? Oh yes…

Assuming Everyone Is Out To Get You

There is nothing more tiresome than a bitch who believes that she is the subject of relentless jealousy from other females. Why self-promote if the reaction gets your goat? When bitches sing their successes from the rooftops and the reaction is less than congratulatory, it is most likely that people are responding by rolling their eyes, not seething with envy. But regardless, ‘Everyone is jealous of me’ bitch soldiers on, refusing to let the ‘haterz’ get her down. You know who else thinks they have ‘haterz’? Speidi, that’s who. Do you want to be Speidi? No, neither does anyone. So pipe down.

Quip-Women

Although no-one knows the exact origin of ‘Quip-women’, rumour has it that this new breed of pseudo-intellectual females who say they don’t give a fuck what you think but are inexplicably still wearing a Wonderbra, dragging themselves to the gym in the morning and have a picture of Jo Brand stuck to their fridge as a deterrent came about during a shift in societal norms when it was no longer acceptable to bray your wife with the back of your hand amongst white, upper-middle class America. Shame on them. Now, people like Whitney Cummings are allowed on the TV to vomit up the programme equivalent of a pink champagne stain on a Laura Ashley cushion. ‘Love You, Mean It’, in which no-oil-painting-herself Whitney critiques current events (i.e. outfits/bodies/faces of female celebrities) with the sort of humour that wouldn’t even make it into a pound shop joke book while visibly biting her lip to keep herself from exploding with smugness. I wouldn’t mind so much, but Whitney’s rising career as a comedienne (eurgh) is depriving an outlandishly camp man of a BFF somewhere, and I fear that, now that their friend-destiny remains unfulfilled, instead one day I may waste four and a half minutes of my life watching his Youtube rant about how Bobbi Kristina needs to get her shit together. Fuck you, Whitney.

I would also like to point out that I am not a ‘Quip-woman’, as I’m far to slow to devise any sort of decent comeback, and prefer to sactimoniously whinge from the comfort of my keyboard. I’m a keyboard bitch, which is the younger counterpart of a ‘Catlady’. Life is good.

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How To Think Positively

Last week, I wrote about the art of attracting a man, which mostly detailed the projection of yourself to others. This week, I want to focus on the inner ‘you’ and how your thought process can make you or break you, because no-one can love you until you love yourself. Except Jesus.

Anyway, do you truly love your life or does that motherfucker staring back at you when you look in the mirror make you want to get your hammer out? If, like me, you’re in the latter category, then you need to change. And I don’t just mean throwing out your mirror after you’ve used the shards to slit your wrists. Here’s how you can be a positive thinker:

Use Daily Affirmations

Using daily affirmations to achieve positive thinking has been long known to help improve confidence. It’s easy- just compile a list of statements that you would like to apply to your life and repeat them daily until you start to believe them. You behaviour will change as you see your self-esteem improve. Might I suggest:

The nickname ‘Chubbo’ is meant affectionately and I do not have a weight problem.

My cat loves me as much as I love him.

That time I was drink driving at night in 1998 and hit something but just drove on because I couldnt bear to look back was a racoon and definately not that old woman who was reported missing the next day and was all over the news for the next six months. Her husband probably murdered her himself and then reported her missing to evade prison. I did not kill her.

They weren’t laughing at me.

I’ll dance on her grave. Or haunt her if I die first.

Lemon drizzle cake has the same amount of calories as carrots. They’re just different portion sizes.

Shania Twain is a modern-day poet.

It is ok to book your wedding venue prior to meeting your future husband because these motherfuckers book up quickly.

It’s just a mole. Probably nothing.

Everyone else is crazy. I’m sane. If anyone tries to argue, I’ll just shoot them all. Everyone.

As long as Kerry Katona doesn’t kill herself after an overdose, I’m not the world’s worst parent.

Avoid Negative Influences

Negativity tends to spread quicker than the herp in student housing, so best avoid anyone you know who is negative and downbeat as this may have a knock-on effect. But what if you have no choice but to see these people on a daily basis? Simple- just politely saying ‘Before you start being a drabby tosser and begin harping on about how your parent’s both died in that house fire last month, save it because this is a ‘no-wanker zone’ (gesture to the space between the two of you). Step into that area and I’ll set your fucking house on fire, too.‘ Or, if you aren’t assertive, you could always just stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly anytime they talk. They’ll soon get the hint.

Surround Yourself With Positive Things

‘If I surround myself with positive things, I’ll gain prosperity’ sang Destiny’s Child in the song, ‘Survivor‘- and they were lucky enough, that, when shipwrecked on a desert island in the music video, their clothing ripped off to create body shape-flattering rag-bikinis slash army attire- thank you, positive things. Filling your life with things that make you feel happy, calm and strong can only reap rewards. Therefore, we all need to club together and find a way to get Kanye West the fuck off this planet.

Smile

Smiling burns more calories than frowning, said some wankbag who probably had no friends in school. What makes you smile? Christine Bleakley’s armpit fat? Fighting with people on Facebook? Seeing others fail? Critiquing the lives of others while sitting in a mismatched tracksuit reading the Daily Star? Well then, keep at it. You certainly aren’t a serial killer.

Don’t Stop

There is only one way to stay positive, and that’s to keep being positive and never give up, using any negative occurances to make you stronger. For example, if someone punches you in the face, end that bitch. When someone else gets the promotion you wanted, burn that motherfucker to the ground so that no-one gets promoted again, ever. And if your spouse tells you they don’t want to be an accessory to your psychotic killing sprees again, tell them that they’re next.

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make cyanide and poison everyone.

Yes.

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How To Write a CV

Queue ‘The Apprentice’ theme music- heavy on the trumpets. The job market is tougher than ever before, and to succeed, you need to stand out. But how does one stand out on an A4 page? What information helps you get the application stage nailed, and what details can get you jailed? And how can you get that acceptance letter mailed, or avoid HR calling to your house to have you impaled? Fucking etc.

The following helps to explain what you can write in your CV to help you to stand out, and get a call back.

Section One- Personal Information

Start off your CV with your name as a bold heading. Don’t forget to include your childhood nickname, which you can place in the middle of your name (e.g. John ‘Fartypants’ Smith, Greg ‘Pickynose’ Jones).

Underneath your contact information, you can include a personal profile, which details a general overview of your life, mild professional information and your current situation related to why you are suited to the industry you are applying for. For example, if you are applying for a job as a vet, you could say,

‘My name is Doug, which is like the word ‘Dog’ but with a ‘U’, which to you, is me- so I’m kind of already like a dog, then. I had a cat as a pet but it got old and went to live on a farm, and I never really got over it. Now I want to help other animals not go to live on farms. What I lack in qualifications, I make up for in knife skills and speaking horse. Also, I only eat animals that I find at the side of the road. I feel that vegetablism is well important when being a doctor of animals. The end’.

Section Two- Education

Write your educational information and qualifications in reverse chronological order. Ensure that you do not lie about your grades or qualifications with any colleges or schools you have attended in the past, as your employer will check. Instead, invent fictional schools or colleges (e.g. St. Doug’s School of Dead Hard Things, or Sir Douglas College of Teaching the Prescribed Curriculum and a Bit More on Top of That) and then award yourself maximum grades in any subjects you want. The best bit is, if any prospective employers ring you to verify, you can also tell them that you were the best student the school has ever had- which is technically true, seeing as you only just went and founded the fucker. Just remember to do your best ‘Einstein’ voice to fool those pesky HR reps.

Section Three- Employment

Just like the Education section, list your employment in reverse chronological order. If you haven’t been consistently in employment, use your wordsmithy-ness to turn even the most half-arsed of money-receiving tasks into a successful employment experiences, e.g.

August 2010- Present: Gambling Freelancer

Tasks: Knowing when to hold ’em, and knowing when to fold ’em

             Slot machine usage analysis

             Current affairs expert of the sport betting sector

August 2008- July 2010: Professional Property Assistant Manager

Tasks: Putting on lights to warn off burglars Management

              Food rotation and food waste reduction

              Ensuring the smooth operation of the TV in the front room

July 2001- July 2008: Benefits Recipient Executive

Tasks: Periodic Inspection of Jobcentre

             Contributor to manipulated numbers than comprise sensationalised Daily Mail benefit recipient slander

             Scapegoat provider to tax evasion for the rich

However, if you have a parent who is self-employed, say that you work as their assistant. Nothing more believable than that. Boom.

Section Four: Skills and Relevant Information

Despite the gross over-use of the word ‘skills’, no-one really has a fucking clue what a skill is. Let’s face it, things like ‘organisational skills’ and ‘time management skills’ are only real things if you’re a robot. Therefore, this is the section in which you can make up anything you want, with the word ‘skills’ suffixed to it, with absolutely no repercussions and no need to prove that you’re not just lying through your dishonest little arse. My suggestions for skills that are attractive to prospective employers? See below.

Ninja skills

Tea making, and keeping on top the replenishment of tea-making components, skills

Getting a bit of banter going skills

Up the arse of the boss skills

Not getting caught sitting on Facebook all day skills

Making up office nickname skills

Rolling your eyes at Wilma from Accounting who always gets flowers from her boyfriend skills

Seeing Wilma from Accounting’s boyfriend kissing another woman in a nightclub and telling everyone in the office except Wilma so we can all bitch about her behind her back skills

Bringing in interesting pictures to put on your desk skills

Ability to passive-aggressively bring in cake every day because I wanted cake but I feel guilty eating it on my own but if everyone else gets fat then I don’t have to feel as bad skills

Organising Friday’s pint after work skills.

Section Five- Interests and Activities

Remember when you were a kid and you had all sorts of hopes and dreams for yourself? And remember when you were sitting right now identifying with loads of this because everyone eventually turns out to be a big failure? Yeah, well, best to lie and pretend you have interests and activities that you actively do rather than watch TV, drink and occasionally cry to yourself about how depressing your life is. Make it as outlandish as you want because it makes you sound interesting and even if your prospective employer knows that you’re lying, it’s better to be a pathological liar than a lazy fucker with a Jesus-complex. Might I suggest:

I am an over-achieving, marathon-running, elephant owner with a nut allergy so severe, I could die at any second. Living on borrowed time has taught me the value of every second, which is why I wear a kitchen clock as a necklace, just like Flava Flav, which is funny- because he’s my cousin. But not my blood cousin, as I was stolen at birth and am currently being held hostage by my adopted family, of five cheetahs, an umbrella and a bag of Doritos (Nacho Cheese flavour). In my spare time, I like to build time machines, cure cancer and Keep Up with the Kardashians, which is easy- because I’m Kourtney. And Kim. Finally, while I’ve never failed at anything, I’m dead humble and singing my own praises about being Michael Jackson, owning Poland and coming second in a Monopoly beauty contest really embarrasses me.

Oh, remember to attach a picture of yourself, too, so that everyone can have a good LOL at your expense.

Hello- new job!

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