Tag Archives: joey essex

One Hundred Things I Hate About Life

Untitled

Wahey! This is officially The Thinking Gal’s 100th Post!

So what better way to celebrate than by rhyming off 100 things that annoy the fuck clean out of me so that you can understand why I’m such a moaning cunt a little bit better? Probably lots of better ways. But here they are anyway:

1. Hypocritical bastards

2. Shopping centres

3. Snow in March

4. Tomatoes being poncily described as ‘vine tomatoes’, as if there’s another way to grow tomatoes.

5. Musicals

6. Flapper dresses worn by girls who aren’t as slaggy as the rest of the group

7. Inspirational quotes on Facebook by people whose behaviour couldn’t be less inspirational if they tried… which they are too lazy to do.

8. Joey Essex

9. Kids today

10. People who say ‘sick’ when describing something good

11. Holly Willoughby

12. The Common Cold being called ‘Flu’

13. Leaving it to mellow if it’s only yellow

14. People who ‘LOL’ with a straight face

15. Old people who Tweet

16. Russell Howard and his ”good news”

17. Desperate wannabes who call Kim Kardashian ‘Kimmie <3’

18. People who start diets every Monday

old-man

19. The one who incessantly makes it known he sleeps around from One Direction

20. The one who looks like a woman from One Direction

21. The Jedwardy Irish one who keeps saying things are ‘Sick’ from One Direction

22. The other two from One Direction

23. People who Belieb

24. The amount of product placement in Pitbull’s songs

25. Diet versions of proper cakes

26. Zooey Deschanel

27. The unmitigated snobbery of Ted from How I Met Your Mother

28. Little Mix

29. Actually, everyone off X Factor. And you can fuck Leona Lewis into that category, too.

30. Stupid girls

31. Stupid men

32. People who say they don’t like things when they really mean that they don’t want to try anything new

33. Vain people whose appearance aren’t enough to quantify their vanity (but still take awkward semi-nude photographs for us all to laugh at on Facebook)

34. Catchphrases

35. No mental breakdowns on Biggest Loser USA

36. Wanking feckin’ bankers

37. Buses

38. Littlewoods

39. Caravan living

40. The word ‘Totes’

41. Texting as a form of prolonged communication

42. Joey Essex one more time

42. Microchips

43. Sky TV, Broadband and all the other sub-par services they offer

44. Simon Cowell

45. Racists who say ‘Not trying to be racist, but…’ at the start of racist statements

46. The Americanisation of everything

47. Hipsters

48. Zebra-print

imagesCAEYIBNI

49. People who clap like seals at anything that comes out of Will.I.Am’s mouth

50. The acceptance of Cheryl Cole as a legitimate human being

51. Anything described as a ‘National Treasure’

52. Shitty ‘celebrity’ versions of already grim TV programmes, except for the awkwardness of watching a bunch of non-entities trying to figure out who the other participants are

53. The small fucking portions on Masterchef

54. The phrase ‘Odds and Sods’

55. Vicky Binns

56. Everything about Kerry Katona

57. Ugg boots with denim skirts. Still.

58. Hashtagging things in a non-Twitter setting

59. Joey Essex again

60. Ant and Dec

61. The incorrect belief that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16

62. George at Asda

63. Watching Karl Pilkington trying not to smirk at how funny he thinks his contrived antiquated viewpoints are on ‘An Idiot Abroad’

64. Pizza Express

65. The little cartons of fruit in supermarkets that exist because it has become acceptable to expect never to cut your own fruit

66. People who bring their kids to Burger King every Saturday

67. Films about people who try to make it as a dancer

68. When you walk into someone’s house and it smells but eventually you don’t notice the smell because you’ve caught it too

69. ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘Specific’

70. Weightwatchers

71. People who specify that they can drive in their Facebook ‘Basic Info’, as if it’s a huge achievement

72. The fact that it takes a horsemeat scandal for people to think, ‘Hang on, what if supermarkets lie about what goes into processed food?’

cranky

73. George Osbourne

74. Women who describe their fondness for Mila Kunis as a ”girl crush”

75. Black trousers in non-office settings

76. Superscrimpers on Channel 4’s disproportionate validity to smugness ratio

77. Rip Off Britain

78. The Nolan sisters

79. Fifty Shades of shut the fuck up, the fact that you read this isn’t shocking anyone

80. Justin Bieber’s mum

81. The whole storyline between Kurt and Sarah Jessica Parker on Glee

82. Glee

83. Anything to do with the Harlem Shake

84. Any Youtube clip that goes viral and attracts comments like ‘LOOOOL’ and ‘LMFAO. Plz Justin Bieber tweet me’

85. Cunts who tweet Justin Bieber things like ‘I’d die happy if @JustinBieber would just RT this. I’m probably not special enough, though’, as if he’s going to fall for your reverse psychology. He doesn’t fucking care!

86. Monster Munch

87. All-denim ensembles. Didn’t work for Britney and Justin, not going to work for anybody else.

88. Rita Ora

89. Richard Branson’s jazzhandsy approach to being attention-seeking in business.

90. The fact that Apprentice contestants don’t get taken out the back and shot after being fired.

91. Smirnoff Ice

92. The crocodile tears of each and every Secret Millionaire

93. Payday loan ads. Considering they’re the only industry making money these days, they could up their budget to more than 25 quid.

94. Anything by Ed Hardy’s sweatshop of broken dreams and rape by Pauly D

95. Katy Perry’s faked stupidity wrapped in self-delusion of astute business-mindedness wrapped in actual stupidity

96. Coco-T

97. BBC4

98. Jamie Oliver not understanding that everyone doesn’t have a £30 weekly carrot-budget

99.Driving cunts who don’t think to thank you for letting them in when they were in the wrong lane, usually as some sort of time saving measure while the rest of us just wait behind them like chumps.

100. David Spade

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to go celebrate by punching a wall and spending tonight in A&E.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

How To Get Famous… In a Flash

In a society where stupidity is a commodity, money equals success and Joey Essex continues to be allowed to exist as an actual human being, fame is the ultimate prize. For the majority, fame is perceived as a doorway to excitement, fulfilment and acceptance, and more than ever, individuals are willing to do anything to achieve it.

Back in the days of yore, one would have to possess actual talent, drive and commitment, not to mention experience, in order to achieve notoriety in their field- fame being an unwanted by-product of their success. It took years to become famous. Nowadays, the general consensus seems to be that achieving fame should take twelve weeks- tops. And they’ll throw in a Christmas Number 1 for good measure.

But what if, like me, you don’t have twelve weeks, a sob story and a penchant for living in a house full of unbearable tosspots while the Daily Mail prints a tell-all about the time you got your first period, after which you gain public sympathy and later develop a drug problem to deal with the shame? All of that seems like awful hard work. So here are my top tips for getting famous… in a flash.

Get Heckled By Builders

If you’re a lady or a feminine-looking gentleman, you can get heckled by builders to satisfy those feelings of love that your father didn’t give you. It’s easy, all you need is a slaggy dress and a cigarette- hey presto, those men will be heckling you like you’re a worthless slag in no time. Don’t forget to fake a look of disgust after being heckled- it tells other pedestrians that you feel humiliated and violated, even if you coughed loudly beside the construction site to get the builders’ attention in the first place.

Sign Everything Like A Starlet

In my mundane day-to-day life, I sign things constantly. Mostly for deliveries from Matalan and other drabocities. But with some added pizazz, I can feel like I’m signing autographs quicker than you can say ‘Go fuck yourself, you weird bitch’. For example, when your shopping arrives from Sainsbury’s and the delivery man hands you his little electronic pad for you to sign so that they can charge you, say, ‘Ok, who should I make this out to?‘ When he looks confused, laugh lightly and say, ‘You’re starstuck, eh? Don’t worry, I get this all the time.’ Remember, when signing your name, add ‘Best wishes’ or ‘To my number one fan’. Hand back the pad and say something like, ‘Stay cool, Daddio’ and give him a thumbs-up. Nice.

Deluded Yourself. In General.

One thing I’ve noticed is that, when it comes to reality TV, the arsehole subject matter usual spends their time creating situations where they can just act like a total cunt for laughs- much like a naughty, attention-seeking child whose mother is too disinterested in to disipline. With that in mind, make like the Kardashians and just walk around being ‘crazy’ for laughs. Don’t get a trolley in Asda– deprive someone with an actual disability of a mobility scooter and use that to knock down displays while unintentionally making it obvious that you’re looking at the camera and laughing nervously.

Likewise, in social situations- don’t be pleasant and polite. Take a pregnancy test in your place of work while crying profusely, even though you know you aren’t pregnant. Film a one-night stand with your second cousin and play it back to your family for a laugh. Bring an inappropriate family member to your bikini-wax appointment and make your beautician uncomfortable while they rate your bare arse out of ten. Don’t forget to conclude such events by discussing them in terms of the ‘Peak’ and ‘Pit’ of your day- making reference to your father’s demise at length so that you can capitalise on his death.

See Yourself As A Star- And Others Will Follow

It’s not good enough to act like you’re famous- others have to belbe in on the act for you to live your life in absolute denial. It’s the little things like answering every phonecall you receive with, ‘Hi, this is [your name]- thank you so much for voting for me. You rock! This is an automated message- you have been charged £5 plus your standard call rate for this call,’ and then hanging up, to insisting upon wearing sunglasses in nightclub photographs with friends (remember to look awkward and as though you’re gracing them with your presence), and even having a man with a Geordie accent floating around occasionally to narrate your life (‘Sally is having an affair with her brother-in-law just to convince herself she isn’t dead inside’, ‘Sally accidentally gave her nephew peanuts after temporarily forgetting his allergy and is currently in an ambulance with him. She’s going to tell her sister that he stole them from the cupboard and she saved his life to cover up the fact that she nearly killed him’. Yes, Sally’s life seems dramatic, but remember: some scenes have been set up purely for your entertainment).

Captivate Your Audience

Fame is all about the general public feigning interest in what you’re doing, so by rights, doing interesting things publicly should achieve fame. You can accomplish this easily by getting on a public bus and spouting some drivel about ‘Jesus‘ and ‘Judgement Day’ until you make small children cry because they’re frightened, and Shazam! Instant fame. This one is a lot easier if you smell like piss, cigarettes and whiskey because no-one is likely to forceably remove you from the bus for fear of getting your smell on their coat. Incidentally, should someone on that bus try to be a hero and remove you- just play dead, shouting ‘Rape!’ or ‘Fugggg off, bastid…’ weakly until you vomit all down your front. That should take care of it.

Have Talent, Motivation and The Ability To Excel In Your Chosen Field

Only joking. Kill your parrot and use your tears to soar through to X Factor Bootcamp. Yay!

Tagged , , ,