Last week, Jordan admitted that she regretted her relationship with Alex Reid, which she had rushed into following her divorce from Peter Andre. To be fair, anyone would regret any sort of contact with Alex Reid, from my eyes that regret not blinding themselves with acid and therefore not preventing themselves from seeing Alex Reid’s stupid face in the tabloids, to his own mother, who probably regrets giving birth to him. The general rule is, if even scumbags like Katie Price don’t like you, then you’re some sort of mega-cunt.
Anyway, as we go through life, we make decisions that sometimes force us to have regrets. It’s inevitable. But when past regrets get in the way of your future, the cycle of acquiring regrets will continue and stop you from being able to progress in life. Here’s how to deal with regrets in a healthy way:
We all make mistakes in life, but moving on is essential to help progress with life rather than wallowing in misery and regret. Close the chapter on the part of your life that you regret and learn from past mistakes. For example, if you regret your relationship with your partner but don’t know how to end it, move on by passively cheating on them with random strangers for a few months. Also, as you are too cowardly to end things in a dignified manner, pen a fake suicide note, blaming your partner for ruining your life which you can leave ‘casually’ around the house for your partner to find and secretly read. If they still don’t get the hint- dress up in their underwear and write the word ‘Bitch‘ across your stomach in a garish shade of red lipstick, wait for your partner to come home from work and be so horrified that they end it there and then. Remember: there is no ‘dumped’ in the word ‘transvestite’, but there is an ‘I RAN’. I ran so far away. Boom: relationship terminated and both parties are moving on (with the help of counselling and rampant anti-anxiety tablets).
Take a Leap of Faith
As humans, we are nurtured to fear rejection and over time, this can prevent risk-taking, which can lead to regret. The best way to overcome this fear is to stop worrying about what people think of you and your decisions, and take the risks that may be worth the reward- regardless of outcome. Stop worrying about what people think of you by doing the following: Drink. Drink yourself to the point of collapse, and start getting all rowdy drunk and telling everyone in your company that you ‘don’t give a fuck, motherfucker!’ Get right in there and invade their personal space- make sure to spit while talking too, that usually makes a great impression. Then, after you vomit all over the poor bastard you’ve cornered, see how long it takes you to cry about it. If you don’t cry until the shame of your hangover sets in the next morning, then you have mastered the art of not worrying about the opinions of others’. Just make sure to start drinking again immediately, forevermore.
Think About Death. Constantly.
If you were lying on your deathbed, what would you be thinking? I wish I had’ve earned more money? I wish I’d worked more? I wish I’d spent more time sitting about watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Hell to the no, biznatch- you’d wish you’d spent more time with the ones you love. Fact. So, instead of having regreting not having made time for your loved ones, make time for them daily and start living a better life. Go round to your parents’ house right now and tell them you love them. Have a great half an hour of QT, before the novelty wears off and you all start fighting about what a pack of cunts the rest of you are. Tell your parents that they are the reason you fail at everything, and similarly, watch while they blame you for stealing their freedom. Then, once your siblings arrive, you can all have a massive scrap on the floor as you all point the finger at the favourite child. Make sure to bring up events from the past, such as the time your sister got more Christmas presents than you, to keep fuelling that fire of familial resentment. Then spend the rest of the day competing for the love of the family pet by continuously calling it to see which of you it goes to. Seethe. Fuck.
Appreciate Your Life
No matter how many regrets you have in life- the point is, you’re still here today. Regrets did not destroy you and therefore, you should let them go, forgive yourself, live in the moment and enjoy life. This can be achieved by spending your entire day on Facebook, posting pictures of scenery or small, cartoonish children with verses about how life’s troubles only made you stronger emblazoned across them. Keep putting up updates like ‘So happy <3’ and ‘Sometimes you realise what really matters in life, who never did and who always will’. Don’t forget to get the rest of the day in by playing Farmville and Hidden Chronicles. This is living. And as your Facebook friend, I’m delighted that you’ve sent me a request to play Lost Bubble with you- which I assume will consist of me and you playing a long, drawn out version of keyboard Tetris with the added challenge of resisting the urge to blow our own brains out. I certainly won’t be avoiding you in the street from now on, you charmless cunt.
So there you have it- four tips to help you deal with your regrets and live a fuller life. And on that note, I’m off to respond to my 1,567,324 Farmville updates.