Tag Archives: Justin Bieber

One Hundred Things I Hate About Life

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Wahey! This is officially The Thinking Gal’s 100th Post!

So what better way to celebrate than by rhyming off 100 things that annoy the fuck clean out of me so that you can understand why I’m such a moaning cunt a little bit better? Probably lots of better ways. But here they are anyway:

1. Hypocritical bastards

2. Shopping centres

3. Snow in March

4. Tomatoes being poncily described as ‘vine tomatoes’, as if there’s another way to grow tomatoes.

5. Musicals

6. Flapper dresses worn by girls who aren’t as slaggy as the rest of the group

7. Inspirational quotes on Facebook by people whose behaviour couldn’t be less inspirational if they tried… which they are too lazy to do.

8. Joey Essex

9. Kids today

10. People who say ‘sick’ when describing something good

11. Holly Willoughby

12. The Common Cold being called ‘Flu’

13. Leaving it to mellow if it’s only yellow

14. People who ‘LOL’ with a straight face

15. Old people who Tweet

16. Russell Howard and his ”good news”

17. Desperate wannabes who call Kim Kardashian ‘Kimmie <3’

18. People who start diets every Monday

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19. The one who incessantly makes it known he sleeps around from One Direction

20. The one who looks like a woman from One Direction

21. The Jedwardy Irish one who keeps saying things are ‘Sick’ from One Direction

22. The other two from One Direction

23. People who Belieb

24. The amount of product placement in Pitbull’s songs

25. Diet versions of proper cakes

26. Zooey Deschanel

27. The unmitigated snobbery of Ted from How I Met Your Mother

28. Little Mix

29. Actually, everyone off X Factor. And you can fuck Leona Lewis into that category, too.

30. Stupid girls

31. Stupid men

32. People who say they don’t like things when they really mean that they don’t want to try anything new

33. Vain people whose appearance aren’t enough to quantify their vanity (but still take awkward semi-nude photographs for us all to laugh at on Facebook)

34. Catchphrases

35. No mental breakdowns on Biggest Loser USA

36. Wanking feckin’ bankers

37. Buses

38. Littlewoods

39. Caravan living

40. The word ‘Totes’

41. Texting as a form of prolonged communication

42. Joey Essex one more time

42. Microchips

43. Sky TV, Broadband and all the other sub-par services they offer

44. Simon Cowell

45. Racists who say ‘Not trying to be racist, but…’ at the start of racist statements

46. The Americanisation of everything

47. Hipsters

48. Zebra-print

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49. People who clap like seals at anything that comes out of Will.I.Am’s mouth

50. The acceptance of Cheryl Cole as a legitimate human being

51. Anything described as a ‘National Treasure’

52. Shitty ‘celebrity’ versions of already grim TV programmes, except for the awkwardness of watching a bunch of non-entities trying to figure out who the other participants are

53. The small fucking portions on Masterchef

54. The phrase ‘Odds and Sods’

55. Vicky Binns

56. Everything about Kerry Katona

57. Ugg boots with denim skirts. Still.

58. Hashtagging things in a non-Twitter setting

59. Joey Essex again

60. Ant and Dec

61. The incorrect belief that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16

62. George at Asda

63. Watching Karl Pilkington trying not to smirk at how funny he thinks his contrived antiquated viewpoints are on ‘An Idiot Abroad’

64. Pizza Express

65. The little cartons of fruit in supermarkets that exist because it has become acceptable to expect never to cut your own fruit

66. People who bring their kids to Burger King every Saturday

67. Films about people who try to make it as a dancer

68. When you walk into someone’s house and it smells but eventually you don’t notice the smell because you’ve caught it too

69. ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘Specific’

70. Weightwatchers

71. People who specify that they can drive in their Facebook ‘Basic Info’, as if it’s a huge achievement

72. The fact that it takes a horsemeat scandal for people to think, ‘Hang on, what if supermarkets lie about what goes into processed food?’

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73. George Osbourne

74. Women who describe their fondness for Mila Kunis as a ”girl crush”

75. Black trousers in non-office settings

76. Superscrimpers on Channel 4’s disproportionate validity to smugness ratio

77. Rip Off Britain

78. The Nolan sisters

79. Fifty Shades of shut the fuck up, the fact that you read this isn’t shocking anyone

80. Justin Bieber’s mum

81. The whole storyline between Kurt and Sarah Jessica Parker on Glee

82. Glee

83. Anything to do with the Harlem Shake

84. Any Youtube clip that goes viral and attracts comments like ‘LOOOOL’ and ‘LMFAO. Plz Justin Bieber tweet me’

85. Cunts who tweet Justin Bieber things like ‘I’d die happy if @JustinBieber would just RT this. I’m probably not special enough, though’, as if he’s going to fall for your reverse psychology. He doesn’t fucking care!

86. Monster Munch

87. All-denim ensembles. Didn’t work for Britney and Justin, not going to work for anybody else.

88. Rita Ora

89. Richard Branson’s jazzhandsy approach to being attention-seeking in business.

90. The fact that Apprentice contestants don’t get taken out the back and shot after being fired.

91. Smirnoff Ice

92. The crocodile tears of each and every Secret Millionaire

93. Payday loan ads. Considering they’re the only industry making money these days, they could up their budget to more than 25 quid.

94. Anything by Ed Hardy’s sweatshop of broken dreams and rape by Pauly D

95. Katy Perry’s faked stupidity wrapped in self-delusion of astute business-mindedness wrapped in actual stupidity

96. Coco-T

97. BBC4

98. Jamie Oliver not understanding that everyone doesn’t have a £30 weekly carrot-budget

99.Driving cunts who don’t think to thank you for letting them in when they were in the wrong lane, usually as some sort of time saving measure while the rest of us just wait behind them like chumps.

100. David Spade

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to go celebrate by punching a wall and spending tonight in A&E.

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8 Simple Rules For Building Your Confidence

Confidence is a valuable asset to aid progression in professional, social and personal scenarios. It enables a person to effectively have their opinion heard and respected, without offense or defence, while eliminating the elements of second-guessing or misinterpretation of passivity, or the potential to be hurt or bewildered by aggression.

I, like most, wasn’t born with the ability to be confident and assertive; in earlier life, I tended to lean toward passive behaviour, passive aggressive when pushed, and find it difficult to deal with my aggressive counterparts. But with a little training and practice, we can all obtain the confidence that we need to get through this miserable existence until death.

Following the tips below will help you on your path to higher confidence and an increased ability to be assertive, helping you to lead a happier, more productive life.

 

Know Your Rights

Having an over-inflated sense of self affords you an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement. If anyone gets more than you, argue pettily and bitterly until you are remunerated, even if you had no desire to obtain what the other person got. In order to get yourself adequately riled, read The Sun or equivalent tabloid for morons, and allow yourself to be tricked into believing the sensationalised stories about benefit fraud and immigration. Wonder how the abuse of such systems will affect you, and start a fucking riot with other vandals and wankers. Make sure you start all your sentences with ‘I’m not racist but (insert racism here)’. That means it’s not racist or offensive.

Work On Your Appearance

Appearing confident begins with looking confident. Force yourself to watch a whole episode of Gok Wan’s ‘Dress Your Bangers and On-Trend Self Thin With Spanx and Stupid Blazers, Girlfriend’ or whatever- try not to kill yourself during this process. Feebily head to Marks and Spencers to buy the outfit that Gok told you to buy because the media said so. Wear outfit even though it looks ridiculous and put the thought that dressing to impress is fucking futile, you’ve either got it or you haven’t, to the back of your head. And walk out that door with a new found confidence to give the world the finger.

 

Be Calm

Confidence is relayed from those who appear calm and controlled, no matter how daunting the situation is. Emulate calmness by constantly doing an impression of the telephone woman who says ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised’– she sounds like she has her shit together. Now you’ve got the right voice, get a demeanor to match by taking a fuckload of sleeping tablets washed down with copious amounts of energy stimulant to keep you awake, but zombie-like. Hey presto, cool as a cucumber!

 

Know Yourself

Get to know ‘You’– what are your hopes and dreams? Likes and dislikes? Abilities? Knowing yourself will help you to speak up and relay yourself to others. However, there are so many people in the world nowadays that you are probably very similar to someone else, and thus, save yourself some time and just pick someone to copy. If you are female, you’ll probably want to be Kim Kardashian, so just slather yourself in bullshit, mis-use the word ‘literally’ (e.g. I was literally just abducted by aliens, literally literally literally) and complain at length about your lack of privacy while selling your life to the highest bidder. If you are male, you are less fortunate as you only have Justin Bieber, Jeremy Clarkson or James Cordon to choose from. And with death not being an option, shit one.

 

Speak Your Mind

Speaking your mind is a great way to justify being a total bastard to someone, because you can always just blame the fact that you’re ‘keeping it real’, when in fact, it is much kinder to live and let live. Therefore, making yourself feel better by pointing out someone else’s excessive armpit fat or muffin top also makes you a better person, your friend’s divorce was inevitable because she is a failure and your lack of enthusiasm for someone else’s dreams is just a way of protecting them against making a shambles out of their life because they’re too stupid to succeed. Definately. Hashtag just sayin’.

 

Learn To Say ‘No’

The art of saying ‘no‘ is difficult to master, but is ultimately advantageous in allowing you to say ‘yes’ to the things you really want to do, or have time for. The trick is to become really unapproachable and cagey, so that no-one ever wants to ask you anything or even go near you, for fear of you biting their head off. In addition to making a mountain out of a molehill when anyone requests five minutes of your time, remind them that they’ve troubled you by sighing loudly throughout, rolling your eyes and updating your Facebook status to ‘Hate when dickheads can’t take the hint’. When confronted, say ‘I’m sorry…. that you’re so sensitive.’ It’s their fault for being them.

 

Stop Thinking The Grass Is Always Greener

Overvaluing the lives and experiences of others’ is a surefire way to lower your own self-esteem, adversely affecting your confidence. Train your mind to see that the grass isn’t always greener by belittling the achievements of others’, preferably on a public domain where your opinion may influence others. If you are unsure of where to begin, consult any magazine geared towards women, and see how they dissect the lives of celebrities by circling atom-size celulite patches and pointing out coldsores. Then put this into practice in the real world. If someone is richer than you, start a rumour that their house has a weird smelly-house smell. If someone has a better job, point out to them that they possess this at the expense of family time by getting their toddlers hooked on crack. And if anyone dares to outshine you in the looks department, sell your story to the Daily Mail that they are a jealous whore, and when you provoke a public outcry, sell another story to the Daily Mail entitled, ‘See? See?!? I Fucking Told You I Was Better. By Samantha Brick’.

 

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Acquiring confidence and the ability to be assertive takes time and constant effort. So, if you are only beginning to put the above legimate and totally serious tips into practice, chances are that you still don’t feel totally confident. Therefore, pretending you’re confident will help to alleviate feelings of doubt and insecurity. This can be achieved by saying things like ‘swag’, even though no-one really knows what the fuck is happening. If you’re female, you might want to suffix your sentences with ‘snappy fingers’ for extra pizazz and to distract people from the fact that you’ve spent all afternoon crying about your life. Men can achieve this by getting a derogatory statement about women shaved into the back of their head, for example ‘Bitches’ or ‘Hoes’.

And knock ’em dead, dolls! Literally.

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How To Snag A Man If You Have Low Self-Esteem

Having a low opinion of oneself makes any task difficult, but trying to get someone to love you when you don’t particularly love yourself is a losing battle. However, when you find that special someone, they can show you how to accept yourself as you are, helping you to overcome those feelings of low self-esteem. And just because you’re so darn great, I’m going to give you a few tips to meet Mr Right and say goodnight to feeling shite (this was the best I could do).

Yes, that’s right ladies- just because you have low self-esteem due to hating yourself doesn’t mean you have to lose out on meeting a man, settling down and spending the rest of your motherfucking life cleaning up after him. Here’s how you can snag a man, even if you think you’re worthless and hideous.

Looking Great, Feeling Great

People who say that looks don’t matter are lying to themselves- looks are everything because people are shallow as shit. Disguise your low self-esteem, ugly face and lack of confidence by wearing make-up by the trowel. If you have a credit card, head to your nearest Mac counter and have a sales assistant with a superiority complex tell you that your face disgusts her, and how buying £300 worth of eyeshadow will make you instantly appealing. If you’re poor like me and your credit card is reserved for essentials like playing Wink Bingo online and adding to your Mork and Mindy Memorial Plate collection, go to Superdrug and see what’s on sale, and buy that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t suit your skintone; by the time you’re done beautifying yourself, you won’t know if you’re black or white.

If you are unsure of how much make-up to wear, google the word ‘Snooki‘, click on Images, and double the amount she wears.

While we are on the subject of natual beauty, it would be advisable to do something about your ridiculous hair. Delightfully, my hair is a torturous bastard and likes to fashion itself into a big ball of frizz, no matter what I do to it. I like to counteract this by frazzelling it under heated plates. This is sustainable, and my hair is not going to fall out in like, a week.

Finally, peruse the Ann Summers sale rack to find yourself a nice outfit to complete the elegant new you. You want your look to say ‘I’m a streetwalker, but not the kind that you can strangle and leave for dead after intercourse, because they’ll send a search party for me and you’ll go to jail.’ That way, potential suitors know you are a lady of class.

Being Seen At The Right Scene

Now that you’ve got the right look, you will need to start frequenting places where you are likely to find the right type of man. Any bar that is affiliated with a religious community that has a bitter history with other religious communities and lots of antsy patrons looking for a fight, or has ‘Legion’ or ‘Strip’ in the title, is usually a winner. However, if you want to steer clear of men who drink, then beat you, then promise to never do it again, then drink, then beat you, etc., then you could always go to loser gatherings for asexual beings singles mixers at your local church to find a man who is teetotal. He might still beat you, though. And cry a lot.

Of course, I’m only joking. Not all single men are secret abusers waiting to pounce; most men are decent and just want to see you happy- while cooking their dinner, washing their clothes and generally being an unpaid slave. Relationships are great, and having a connection that surpasses physical attraction and human decency, to the extent that your partner is comfortable enough to accidentally shit themselves while farting in your presence, creates a bond that no-one can tear asunder. Sharting- marriage, for the undercarriage.

The truth is, meeting a man you like happens when you least expect it, which is why you should just get on with your life and he will enter when he’s ready. That’s what she said. Creep out male collegues while assuming,deludedly, that they fancy you by laughing like a crazy person at jokes they made that weren’t even funny, stare at men stalkerishly on the bus and step over the ‘line of appropriateness’ by flirting with your friends’ partners. This is good advice.

Acting Like A Lady

In my experience, in addition to favouring women who look like whores, men love the ‘modern day gal’, keen to break the oppressive stereotypes of her 1950s counterpart. I like to attract men by showing them that I can eat a whole KFC Bargain Bucket on my own and how disgusting and sloppy I am when drunk by rolling around the floor and generally being a nuisance to our entire party, all surrounding parties and the people on their Twitter account(s), as they will be giving them a running commentary of said rolling and nuisance-being, with updates such as ‘Holy shiz, clean up on aisle four #drunkbitchesonparade’, ‘Dis drunk slut is depriving a village of an idiot. I love One Direction #burn’ and ‘Justin Bieber is my imaginary boyfriend and some insult about a woman who can’t handle her drink #genericpopculturereference’. Men definately want to date me.

However, that’s not say that men don’t appreciate a bit of femininity, too. Simple touches, like drinking your pint with a straw, not making it obvious when you are removing your knicks from your arse crack and not blowing your burps into his face to watch him contort in horror at the stench, tell your prospective partner that you are one refined bitch. Make sure you pick all remnants of onion ring out of your teeth and you are wearing suitable camel-toe covering attire. Men love that shit.

You’ve Snagged Him, What Next?

And after you’ve snagged that man, how does the modern day gal have time to keep him interested? As your typical gal-about town, juggling a hectic schedule- I’ll level with you. In between watching clips of dogs on skateboards on Youtube, crying myself to sleep and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction- not to mention trying to fit in all of my whining- it’s tough. I’m one busy lady. But finding mutual happiness in the little things helps- such as cooking him a special dinner that I’ve secretly spat in, avoiding going home because we can’t stand the sight of each other and crushing sleeping tablets into his tea so he won’t have the energy to speak to me. We somehow make it work, and it’s so worth it*.

But it really depends on what works for your relationship. Some people choose to have endless affairs to escape the reality that they fucking hate their life, others do drugs and some people just get the fuck on to a plane one day and never come back.

Relationships are great, aren’t they?

*It’s not worth it.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About Your Favourite Popstars

We all have posters on our walls of our favourite popstars. Some of us even kiss these posters ever night before bed time, and genuinely believe that one day, we will marry a popstar and turn into a fiesty music wife with a gold tooth and a multiple finger ring with a catchy slogan like ‘Ride or Die’ on it. I mean, not me but some other people do.

I like hearing all about the glamorous lives of the rich and famous, but more so, I love to hear the little known facts that make me feel like they are just like you and me. Here’s a few I’ve uncovered:

1. Prince of pop, Justin Bieber wrote his song, ‘Never Say Never’ after his mother broke the news to him that Santa Claus wasn’t real on his 19th birthday.

2. X Factor rejects, One Direction, were the brainchild of Simon Cowell. ‘It’s true’, says Wand Erection’s resident hearthrob, John-Jo, ‘Simon Cowell put us together after we wouldn’t stop playing football outside his house’. ‘We were using his wall as a goal post and he gave us a record deal so we would give him some peace while he watched Heartbeat’, laughs the band’s token babyface, Jim-Jo.

3. Lady Gaga is a jokester at heart and laughed off recent rumours that she was a man. ‘I’m just glad people were too busy looking for a bulge to notice my nine nipples, red tail and pitchfork, for I am the son of Satan’, she said in a recent interview.

4. The artist, Madonna, is actually a hologram, having died from old age in 1998. ‘I got the idea after I kept replacing the children’s dog when it got run over by a car- they never noticed the difference’, laughs the dead star. When asked if she prefers her human state or being a hologramatic projection, the star mused, ‘Well, it’s much easier to tame my feminine itch this way. You see, holograms can’t get herpes’. She then slithered into the night, cutting the interview short.

5. After they completed a ‘Sensitivity in the Workplace’ seminar, Maroon 5 changed their song from ‘Moobs like Jabba’ to ‘Moves like Jagger’. When brought to their attention that this was still offensive to Mick Jagger, Maroon 5 frontman, Billy Interchangeable replied, ‘Fuck off’.

6. Coldplay wrote popular nappy jingle ‘Mummy, look! I’m a big boy now’, for Pampers. ‘After the success of that jingle, we realised there was a big market of vulnerable bedwetting adults out there just waiting for our albums’, said lead singer, Fray Bentos.

7. Pop princess, Shakira is the voice behind the Go Compare advertisements.

8. Contrary to popular belief, pop megastar Britney Spears is just like you and me. Despite having millions in the bank, she still wakes up every Monday with the belief that this will be the week that she sticks to Slimming World, she hits her children and she has no idea what she is doing with her life.

9. After a lengthy break, Girls Aloud are set to reform and tour in 2013. When asked why, Cheryl Cole shrugged, ‘Well, our solo careers have failed, innit.’ ‘What Cheryl is trying to say,’ interjects Kimberley, ‘is that Puma sponsor me and you should purchase some Puma items in your local Debenhams’. The rest of the band were unavailable for comment as they were outside scrapping in the street over who was getting to stand in the middle of upcoming promotional pictures.

10. Of his family, Ozzy Osbourne says, ‘I’m actually not related to them. When I bought the house, they were squatters who lived in my shed and we just sort of hit it off’. When asked why he didn’t just ring the police to have them removed, Ozzy declined to comment because Kelly was holding a gun to his head.

Stay tuned for the next installation of this made-up bullshit gripping expose of the glamorous world of celebrity!

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Reasons Why I Hate Lady Gaga

I hate Lady Gaga. There, I said it.

For those of you fortunate enough to have died/fucked off to a deserted island for the last few years, thus not having been made aware of her existence, she’s somewhat of a superstar, and has a international gaggle of fans who gasp in shock and look horrified when you seem indifferent to what they think is ‘brilliance‘, and therefore I have always retreated back into the closet at the first sign of letting slip that I actually think she’s an untalented bastard. Here’s why:

Primarily, wearing fucking edible clothing does not make you ‘deep‘. It makes you WASTEFUL and ignorant to the fact that there are starving people all over the world who could have barbecued your dress and had a very nice lunch, you absolute arrogant tosser. This also goes for her other, stupid choices of outfit, such as the big silky tea-cosy dress (why?), net face covers (now seriously, what the fuck? Are you a beekeeper?) and big glittery triangle boob-representers stuck on to tops (general fuck.). The worst part is that those dedicated to fucking together a few scraps of twat-garbage and making it into a dress have now been renamed ‘House of Gaga’ when really all they are is a few homeless people doing an honest 20 minutes of work in exchange for crack.

See, that’s the thing about Lady Gaga- there’s a fine line between art and just some random shit sellotaped to a canvas, but if you say its art so many times with absolute conviction and no trace of a smirk whatsoever, fucking dumb fuckbags are going to echo your bullshit and also say its art while secretly not understanding what in sweet fuck you are talking about. I call this ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes Effect’, as much like all of the villagers not wanting to appear stupid by saying the Emperor was naked, members of the public wholeheartedly celebrate Lady Gaga for being a ‘genius‘, when in fact she’s just your average Slut McAttentionSeeker. Nothing she does hasn’t already been done by a whore out on Hallowe’en night in an outfit from Ann Summers. Because consider this, Little Monsters, if her outfits were art, why are they always conveniently cut to just below arse-crack level?? Is art secretly celebrating the female form of closeted anorexics? Well, um, yes, but… NO- she’s just a fucking twat.

Which leads me to my next point- calling your fans ‘Little Monsters’. Oh my god, this takes my dislike to a whole new level. Better not sleep with a pick-axe in my bed, incase I start sleep-walking to Lady Gaga’s house and hit her in the face with it. Why must you label your fans? Why can you not just call them fans? Is it some sort of patronising record company ploy to create a sense of community within your fans, thus encouraging them to buy more of your gormless face-adorned concert shit? To be fair, if I HAD to pick which set of fans had to die first, I would happily and wholeheartedly pick Beliebers (I would actually lend a hand and just start shooting them myself). For those of you in a coma after being in an accident that deafened you and also stopped your brain from receiving thought, Beliebers are Justin Bieber fans- the scariest and most likely to kill for sport of all fans of shit kiddy ‘artists’ (!) of today- they dominated my Twitter feed for the whole of Valentine’s Day with posts such as ‘Your boyfriend gets you flowers for Valentine’s Day, mine is writing me an album #justinismyvalentine’. Like, holy fuck. No, my boyfriend bought me flowers because HE’S REAL, WE’VE MET BEFORE, HE KNOWS I EXIST and I’M NOT LIKELY TO HAVE A LOCKET FILLED WITH HIS OLD HAIRS. Yeah, I said NOT LIKELY, so fuck off.

I’ve just realised that I have yet to comment on Lady Gaga’s actual music, but then again, no-one ever does. I rarely hear anyone say that her songs are good, but constantly hear remarks on her various attention seeking ploys packaged up and marketed as ‘eccentricity’. Can I just point out that the definition of ‘eccentric‘ is ‘Unconventional or slightly strange behaviour’, not ‘Trying far too hard to be weird because being weird gets you more attention’. If everybody’s weird, then nobody is weird- ever thought of that, Gaga? What are you going to do then- walk about in jeans and a cardigan with a… PLAIN BAG?!? Even then, I suspect that the vapid, soulless dicks running today’s popular cliques, sorry, fashion magazines would call it ‘revolutionary’.

To be fair, some of her songs are alright. Ish.

But even still, its hilarious watching the glittery face net masking Gaga’s facial rage of Adele’s whooping the shit clean out of her at the Grammys. Adele is the antithesis of Lady Gaga- unpretentious, down-to-earth and genuine, with neither a bell nor whistle in sight to spruce up her artistry.

I bet Lady Gaga is shitting herself. Oh, not because of Adele- she’s just making another dress.

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