Tag Archives: katie price

How To Cope With Hayfever

hayfever

As if short Summers aren’t bad enough, the number of hayfever sufferers is rising rapidly, meaning that there really is nothing to look forward to in the empty abyss of life.

Caused by something vague to do with pollen but no-one really knows or cares what, hayfever is hardly a sexy disease like Genital Warts or Athlete’s Foot, but it’s a pain in the arse all the same. Mostly for everyone else surrounding the sufferer who have to listen to them say ‘I have the flu’ a dozen or so times, even though they do not having the flu and literally do not know the meaning of the word.

But nonetheless, symptoms such as runny nose, tight chest and general mummy’s boy-ness can stop you dead in your tracks, so here are my tips for coping with hayfever:

Whinging Endlessly

As a longtime hayfever sufferer myself, I find whinging endlessly about my symptoms and general hand I’ve been dealt does wonders for cheering me up. Whilst whinging endlessly does little to alleviate symptoms, it is very effective in raining on everyone else’s parade and thus, is a surefire way to cheer yourself up by being an utter cunt.

Punching Flowers

‘Getting it out of your system’ is great advice, whether you have hayfever or an actual problem. Get your rage out of your system by going around punching as many flowers in their big cheery bastarding faces as you can. Look at them sitting there with their flamboyant petals resting atop their proud stems- making a fucking mockery of you, that’s what they’re doing.

hayfever

Instant Relief

If your sinuses are giving you grief, get some instant relief by beheading yourself like they used to do in olden times. Sure, you’ll only be alive for a few moments to enjoy the sweet release of clear breathing before your headless body, stumbling and bewildered, crumples to the ground whilst your head, bobbing and screaming in a bloodbath of your own destruction runs out of oxygen, but isn’t that what life is all about? Living for those precious moments of true happiness? Yes.

Moving To A Place With No Sun

Those fleeting moments of sunshine are few and far between, but that big sunny fucker brings with him a world of hayfever-y bollocks. Cure your allergy to the sun by moving to a place with no sun, such as Katie Price’s innards or the bit in Super Mario World where you’ve beat all the other levels and you’ve only got to get through the stony kingdom of fire and bombs before trying to defeat Bowser and win the game, which you’ve given up your social life for five months to achieve just to be disappointed when all that happens when you win is the end credits roll up and that’s fucking well it.

Having Actual Problems

Having an actual problem will help to alleviate your hayfever suffering, as it will make you realise that you need to man up and not let your snuffly nose be the reason why you’ve pissed yours, and everyone elses’, chips up the wall. No problems? No problem! Just be like everyone else and invent some out of thin air, such as having a fight with someone on Twitter or lodging a formal complaint at the Asda helpdesk that you don’t agree with their charging-for-carrier-bags policy.

And say goodbye to hayfever for good. Maybe.

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How To Deal With Regrets

Last week, Jordan admitted that she regretted her relationship with Alex Reid, which she had rushed into following her divorce from Peter Andre. To be fair, anyone would regret any sort of contact with Alex Reid, from my eyes that regret not blinding themselves with acid and therefore not preventing themselves from seeing Alex Reid’s stupid face in the tabloids, to his own mother, who probably regrets giving birth to him. The general rule is, if even scumbags like Katie Price don’t like you, then you’re some sort of mega-cunt.

Anyway, as we go through life, we make decisions that sometimes force us to have regrets. It’s inevitable. But when past regrets get in the way of your future, the cycle of acquiring regrets will continue and stop you from being able to progress in life. Here’s how to deal with regrets in a healthy way:

Move On

We all make mistakes in life, but moving on is essential to help progress with life rather than wallowing in misery and regret. Close the chapter on the part of your life that you regret and learn from past mistakes. For example, if you regret your relationship with your partner but don’t know how to end it, move on by passively cheating on them with random strangers for a few months. Also, as you are too cowardly to end things in a dignified manner, pen a fake suicide note, blaming your partner for ruining your life which you can leave ‘casually’ around the house for your partner to find and secretly read. If they still don’t get the hint- dress up in their underwear and write the word ‘Bitch‘ across your stomach in a garish shade of red lipstick, wait for your partner to come home from work and be so horrified that they end it there and then. Remember: there is no ‘dumped’ in the word ‘transvestite’, but there is an ‘I RAN’. I ran so far away. Boom: relationship terminated and both parties are moving on (with the help of counselling and rampant anti-anxiety tablets).

Take a Leap of Faith

As humans, we are nurtured to fear rejection and over time, this can prevent risk-taking, which can lead to regret. The best way to overcome this fear is to stop worrying about what people think of you and your decisions, and take the risks that may be worth the reward- regardless of outcome. Stop worrying about what people think of you by doing the following: Drink. Drink yourself to the point of collapse, and start getting all rowdy drunk and telling everyone in your company that you ‘don’t give a fuck, motherfucker!’ Get right in there and invade their personal space- make sure to spit while talking too, that usually makes a great impression. Then, after you vomit all over the poor bastard you’ve cornered, see how long it takes you to cry about it. If you don’t cry until the shame of your hangover sets in the next morning, then you have mastered the art of not worrying about the opinions of others’. Just make sure to start drinking again immediately, forevermore.

Think About Death. Constantly.

If you were lying on your deathbed, what would you be thinking? I wish I had’ve earned more money? I wish I’d worked more? I wish I’d spent more time sitting about watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Hell to the no, biznatch- you’d wish you’d spent more time with the ones you love. Fact. So, instead of having regreting not having made time for your loved ones, make time for them daily and start living a better life. Go round to your parents’ house right now and tell them you love them. Have a great half an hour of QT, before the novelty wears off and you all start fighting about what a pack of cunts the rest of you are. Tell your parents that they are the reason you fail at everything, and similarly, watch while they blame you for stealing their freedom. Then, once your siblings arrive, you can all have a massive scrap on the floor as you all point the finger at the favourite child. Make sure to bring up events from the past, such as the time your sister got more Christmas presents than you, to keep fuelling that fire of familial resentment. Then spend the rest of the day competing for the love of the family pet by continuously calling it to see which of you it goes to. Seethe. Fuck.

Appreciate Your Life

No matter how many regrets you have in life- the point is, you’re still here today. Regrets did not destroy you and therefore, you should let them go, forgive yourself, live in the moment and enjoy life. This can be achieved by spending your entire day on Facebook, posting pictures of scenery or small, cartoonish children with verses about how life’s troubles only made you stronger emblazoned across them. Keep putting up updates like ‘So happy <3’ and ‘Sometimes you realise what really matters in life, who never did and who always will’. Don’t forget to get the rest of the day in by playing Farmville and Hidden Chronicles. This is living. And as your Facebook friend, I’m delighted that you’ve sent me a request to play Lost Bubble with you- which I assume will consist of me and you playing a long, drawn out version of keyboard Tetris with the added challenge of resisting the urge to blow our own brains out. I certainly won’t be avoiding you in the street from now on, you charmless cunt.

So there you have it- four tips to help you deal with your regrets and live a fuller life. And on that note, I’m off to respond to my 1,567,324 Farmville updates.

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Prick of the Week- Geordie Shore

After watching the first episode of MTV’s Geordie Shore- Chaos in Cancun on Tuesday night, I can only assume that the producers advertised recruitment for the show as ‘Are you a failed abortion with no job or future? Do you like saying the word ‘Bantah’ a lot, but have absolutely no idea that banter doesn’t mean having sex with strangers on camera that is played back to the general public in nightvision while they laugh at you? Were you facing a life of robbing to subsidise your benefits for learning difficulties? Well then, apply to Geordie Shore today, and start your new life as a glorified porn star who is paid to slither around the VIP section of low-rent nightclubs!’

Admittedly, I watch the show so this is entirely hypocritical of me. But I’d watch anything, so that doesn’t say much. There was a time when Geordie Shore was once funny, some of the characters were even *slightly* endearing, but, like every reality show nowadays, the characters have got wise on how to build up an ’empire’ (I’m using ’empire’ in the loosest possible sense here), and the show has become massively contrived and awkward.

Take baby-voiced, arm flailing, towel-as-daywearing, Charlotte and bitchy Lego man, Gary. I am fucking sick to the back teeth of looking at these two gimps as they act out the sort of on-again off-again relationship that would have Katie Price saying, ‘Enough is enough. This bullshit isn’t worth the coverage in Heat magazine’.

Gary’s wingman is Jay, the perfect posterchild for a campaign to adopt capital punishment in the UK, with the slogan, ‘Who cares if a few innocent men are convicted wrongly and die? It’ll be alreet, pet.’ 

On the outskirts of this nonce-fest is Sophie, a lesser wanker than the others, but a wanker none-the-less. Sophie has left behind boyfriend Joel, basically an uglier-faced Ken doll with a very prominent steroid-addiction, to go to Cancun. Lucky her.

But sadly, these four are the most likable of the cast. My least favourite is James– a poor man’s Anthony Hutton who makes me want to invent a time machine just so I can go back to the time of his conception and stop his mother from downing those rohypnol-laced lagers and beg his father to stop raping women in the back alley of the pub. His treatment of Holly, a girl with daddy issues so severe, the entire live-in community of the Playboy mansion is currently sending her a ‘Thinking of You During this Difficult Time’ card, is abysmal, but hey- that’s just the power of the combover. Holly is best friends by default with Rebecca, Newcastle’s answer to Olive Oyl from Popeye, if Olive Oyl was a massive tart.

In the midst of this pack of abysmal cunts is Ricci and Vicky, Newcastle’s equivalent to a more-unlikable Fred and Rost West. Both are underlying serial killers- Vicky’s uncontrollable rage, egoism and relentless bullying simmering at the edges, coupled with Ricci’s arrogant bastardism, coloured Ray-Ban favouring and general drunk dickheadness make for the sort of concoction that would make the majority of the general public turn a blind eye if a terrorist attack occurred in the Newcastle Upon Tyne area.

So now the ‘gang’ are in Cancun, ready to slime around the place, spreading AIDs all over everything in Mexico and getting on it like a car bonnet. Mexico is famed for being the murder capital of the world, but it is assured that Cancun is a very safe place for tourists to holiday with absolutely no threat of murder. Pity that.

Geordie Shore– fuck you.

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How To Appear More Intelligent When You’re Thick As Two Short Planks

Intelligence is a valuable commodity in today’s world; not only are the world’s resources running out and there is limited space on the lifeboat, but appearing intelligent means you get away with all sorts of crap. Just look at Jeremy Clarkson- if he wasn’t awarded a badge of intellectual superiority by the viewing public of Men & Motors, someone would have shot him a long time ago.

The great news is, you don’t actually have to be intelligent to appear so. It is merely an illusion, just like appearance, and if the prostitute formerly known as Katie Price can plaster on enough make-up to be mistaken for a sexually abused ’80s mannequin and be applauded for it, then why shouldn’t we pad out our intelligence in the same way?

But of course you don’t want to learn or self-improve in any way that may add value to your life. As always, I’m on hand to help you fake it ’til you make it, with handy tips to allude intelligence while still remaining as dumb as a box of rocks that had fallen on their heads as baby rocks. Yes.

Figure out how to use your and you’re

As social media is a prevalent source of communication, the way we write helps to build an overview of our intelligence. Therefore, if you’re the type of person who writes in TXT MSG SPK even though your word count is uncapped, you just look like a buffoon. If you are normal, then my only advice is: learn to use ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. The grammar police are watching you and, seeing as people who take delight in pointing out grammar mistakes are generally imbecilic and petty, they will take you down.

If you are unclear on their meanings, ‘your’, is as in ‘Mr and Mrs Jones, I have some bad news- your daughter is dead. I’m sorry to be the one who has to tell you, but she was addicted to heroin and kept it from you because of your heart condition. She has been using since your son committed suicide after he was found guilty of embezzling your life savings, and she could not cope with your lack of communication towards her any longer. She took your car and drove it off the cliff at the end of your road. Police arrived too late on the scene after your neighbour alerted us. All we have found from the debris so far is a solitary note, saying, ‘I killed myself because your so disappointed in me,’ which is obviously a misuse of the word ‘your’, but let’s not split hairs over it’.

You’re’ is as in, ‘You’re the reason I never made anything of my life, and one day, when you’re not expecting it, I’m going to put rat poison in your soup and bury your body parts all over the house’. Learn how to use these two grammar sneaks and you’ll be the toast of Twitter.

Start wearing glasses

Humans respond to visual clues when perceiving others in a certain way, so wearing glasses will help you appear smarter. You can also let them slide down your nose discreetly, and when making a point, push them back up to make others think, ‘Ooooh, that geek means business’. Glasses are expensive so you could probably get them free on the NHS if you threw some acid into your eyes, but then you’ll be bound for life to be ridiculed in the street for being a specky four-eyes. Therefore, you might be best making a circle with your thumb and forefinger, and rimming your eyes with your hands. Et voila, clever on the cheap.

Read more

Reading more is a great way to acquire more knowledge. But you don’t want to spend your precious time reading words like a big norman- you want to give the illusion of reading without having to be bothered actually doing it. Therefore, drilling peepholes in all of your books so you can still watch Jeremy Kyle USA while pretending to read, or reading encyclopaedias that are big enough to hide your copy of Pick Me Up will give others the impression that you’re reading, when you’re still just a big imbecile. If watching Youtube clips of dogs falling into ponds is your poison, tilting the screen away from everyone in the room, and asking others, ‘What is the BBC News website address?’, while actually typing in ‘Funny dog clips’ to Google will have everyone fooled. Remember, not all internet sources are accurate. Except this blog- it’s all fucking true here.

Don’t forget your street smarts

As many aggressive drug-addicts will tell you, having ‘street smarts’ is just as important as being ‘book smart’ in the world of intellect. Being street smart includes, but is not limited to, being irrationally suspicious of people at all times, being hardened against tales of woe from all societal groups in need and just being a general cruel bastard in everyday life. Street smarts are great because they’re a win/win: either other people with street smarts think you’re smart and give you respect, or the rest of us are too scared to point out that ‘street smarts’ are just a defence mechanism from years of mistreatment and not enough love from your parents, for fear that you will absolutely destroy us by prising our eyes out of their sockets with your cold, dead hands.

So there you have it- four tips designed to make you appear more intelligent while also preserving a life of blissful ignorance. I disgust me.

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Samantha Brick: Not Deluded At All

Sitting alone in a branch of KFC, I was getting stuck into a Zinger Tower meal when a homeless bum came up to me and asked me for a kiss. I stared at his toothless mouth in pity and declined, after which his said, ‘Fuck you, you slag’ and walked off. Many people would be flattered by such an exchange, but not me- I’m used to men giving me attention because I’m just so darn gorgeous.

It seems that the fucking thicko right wing Daily Mail reading population entire world has been left reeling after Samantha Brick spoke out about the affliction of beauty here, citing her looks as the reason she has been victimised, ostracised and outcasted by female colleagues, ‘friends’ and acquaintances. Her article paints a picture of an exceptionally beautiful woman (until you scroll down to the pictures, and she’s actually an average-looking woman with a superiority complex, but then again, I’m probably just bitterly envious) whose looks are the reason she has faced hardship in her personal and professional life, provoking jealousy with less asthetically pleasing females. Look at how beautiful she is:

Yeah, so, she just must take a bad picture or something. Or else, if you are female, your eyes disallow you from seeing how gorgeous she is. She’s definately not totally fuckwitted.

However, I am inclined to agree with Samantha; I have had a similar experience myself. I, too, overestimate my beauty- deluding myself that men fall at my feet and women hate me because they are threatened, when in reality, it is because I am up my own arse and a general nasty bitch.

Samantha’s article cites a myriad of experiences in which men have thanked her for being so beautiful by paying her way. She is not a prostitute. At all. I can verify that yes, men do this. She is not detached from reality and did not create this in her crazy little mind.

Sometimes I ask strangers for a cigarette, and they just hand me one. Probably because my nicotine-stained smile makes their day. Once, on a Ryanair flight to Leeds Bradford, an air steward gave me a packet of salt and vinegar Frisps for free, just because they were ”going off”. If that isn’t code for ‘I love you’, I don’t know what is. And on top of that, sometimes I check my bank account to find that someone has deposited money into my account on a weekly basis, probably to thank me for living. Ok, so, it’s my wages, but the person who authorises the transaction has a 50% chance of being male. Men just shower me with money!

But unfortunately, it’s not all gravy. Women fucking loathe me, probably because they can’t handle how stunning I am, in addition to having a winning personality and not being at all deluded. Definately not because I’m an elitest bitch. Only a few weeks ago, my neighbour walked past me without even so much as a ‘hello’. I consulted a mutual friend who suggest that her reaction may have been spurred on by the fact that I set her dog on fire and slept with her husband, but I think it’s that she’s just jealous of me because I’m thinner than her. This is not insulting to women at all. Samantha represents women in an honest light, and doesn’t give men one more reason to think women are nothing more than a pack of shallow, scrapping shrews. She is also good looking enough to justify writing such an article. Yes.

Now Samantha can’t wait to get old, as ageing will dilute her beauty and allow her to make friends and live ‘normally‘. She must be getting a fucking personality transplant too, then.

Beauty is such a curse.

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