Tag Archives: Kerry Katona

One Hundred Things I Hate About Life

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Wahey! This is officially The Thinking Gal’s 100th Post!

So what better way to celebrate than by rhyming off 100 things that annoy the fuck clean out of me so that you can understand why I’m such a moaning cunt a little bit better? Probably lots of better ways. But here they are anyway:

1. Hypocritical bastards

2. Shopping centres

3. Snow in March

4. Tomatoes being poncily described as ‘vine tomatoes’, as if there’s another way to grow tomatoes.

5. Musicals

6. Flapper dresses worn by girls who aren’t as slaggy as the rest of the group

7. Inspirational quotes on Facebook by people whose behaviour couldn’t be less inspirational if they tried… which they are too lazy to do.

8. Joey Essex

9. Kids today

10. People who say ‘sick’ when describing something good

11. Holly Willoughby

12. The Common Cold being called ‘Flu’

13. Leaving it to mellow if it’s only yellow

14. People who ‘LOL’ with a straight face

15. Old people who Tweet

16. Russell Howard and his ”good news”

17. Desperate wannabes who call Kim Kardashian ‘Kimmie <3’

18. People who start diets every Monday

old-man

19. The one who incessantly makes it known he sleeps around from One Direction

20. The one who looks like a woman from One Direction

21. The Jedwardy Irish one who keeps saying things are ‘Sick’ from One Direction

22. The other two from One Direction

23. People who Belieb

24. The amount of product placement in Pitbull’s songs

25. Diet versions of proper cakes

26. Zooey Deschanel

27. The unmitigated snobbery of Ted from How I Met Your Mother

28. Little Mix

29. Actually, everyone off X Factor. And you can fuck Leona Lewis into that category, too.

30. Stupid girls

31. Stupid men

32. People who say they don’t like things when they really mean that they don’t want to try anything new

33. Vain people whose appearance aren’t enough to quantify their vanity (but still take awkward semi-nude photographs for us all to laugh at on Facebook)

34. Catchphrases

35. No mental breakdowns on Biggest Loser USA

36. Wanking feckin’ bankers

37. Buses

38. Littlewoods

39. Caravan living

40. The word ‘Totes’

41. Texting as a form of prolonged communication

42. Joey Essex one more time

42. Microchips

43. Sky TV, Broadband and all the other sub-par services they offer

44. Simon Cowell

45. Racists who say ‘Not trying to be racist, but…’ at the start of racist statements

46. The Americanisation of everything

47. Hipsters

48. Zebra-print

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49. People who clap like seals at anything that comes out of Will.I.Am’s mouth

50. The acceptance of Cheryl Cole as a legitimate human being

51. Anything described as a ‘National Treasure’

52. Shitty ‘celebrity’ versions of already grim TV programmes, except for the awkwardness of watching a bunch of non-entities trying to figure out who the other participants are

53. The small fucking portions on Masterchef

54. The phrase ‘Odds and Sods’

55. Vicky Binns

56. Everything about Kerry Katona

57. Ugg boots with denim skirts. Still.

58. Hashtagging things in a non-Twitter setting

59. Joey Essex again

60. Ant and Dec

61. The incorrect belief that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16

62. George at Asda

63. Watching Karl Pilkington trying not to smirk at how funny he thinks his contrived antiquated viewpoints are on ‘An Idiot Abroad’

64. Pizza Express

65. The little cartons of fruit in supermarkets that exist because it has become acceptable to expect never to cut your own fruit

66. People who bring their kids to Burger King every Saturday

67. Films about people who try to make it as a dancer

68. When you walk into someone’s house and it smells but eventually you don’t notice the smell because you’ve caught it too

69. ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘Specific’

70. Weightwatchers

71. People who specify that they can drive in their Facebook ‘Basic Info’, as if it’s a huge achievement

72. The fact that it takes a horsemeat scandal for people to think, ‘Hang on, what if supermarkets lie about what goes into processed food?’

cranky

73. George Osbourne

74. Women who describe their fondness for Mila Kunis as a ”girl crush”

75. Black trousers in non-office settings

76. Superscrimpers on Channel 4’s disproportionate validity to smugness ratio

77. Rip Off Britain

78. The Nolan sisters

79. Fifty Shades of shut the fuck up, the fact that you read this isn’t shocking anyone

80. Justin Bieber’s mum

81. The whole storyline between Kurt and Sarah Jessica Parker on Glee

82. Glee

83. Anything to do with the Harlem Shake

84. Any Youtube clip that goes viral and attracts comments like ‘LOOOOL’ and ‘LMFAO. Plz Justin Bieber tweet me’

85. Cunts who tweet Justin Bieber things like ‘I’d die happy if @JustinBieber would just RT this. I’m probably not special enough, though’, as if he’s going to fall for your reverse psychology. He doesn’t fucking care!

86. Monster Munch

87. All-denim ensembles. Didn’t work for Britney and Justin, not going to work for anybody else.

88. Rita Ora

89. Richard Branson’s jazzhandsy approach to being attention-seeking in business.

90. The fact that Apprentice contestants don’t get taken out the back and shot after being fired.

91. Smirnoff Ice

92. The crocodile tears of each and every Secret Millionaire

93. Payday loan ads. Considering they’re the only industry making money these days, they could up their budget to more than 25 quid.

94. Anything by Ed Hardy’s sweatshop of broken dreams and rape by Pauly D

95. Katy Perry’s faked stupidity wrapped in self-delusion of astute business-mindedness wrapped in actual stupidity

96. Coco-T

97. BBC4

98. Jamie Oliver not understanding that everyone doesn’t have a £30 weekly carrot-budget

99.Driving cunts who don’t think to thank you for letting them in when they were in the wrong lane, usually as some sort of time saving measure while the rest of us just wait behind them like chumps.

100. David Spade

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to go celebrate by punching a wall and spending tonight in A&E.

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How To Live It Up Like Kerry Katona

Graceful as a gazelle.

Graceful as a gazelle.

Glorified prostitute and big messy embarrassment, Kerry Katona, is the darling of daytime TV, the belle of banal bollocks and the mare of the menopausal magazines. In short, she’s the human equivalent of a cigarette butt being flicked into an empty tin of lager.

But why does she feature in so many of my posts? Because she’s so fucking irritating.

Irritatingly brilliant.

To be fair, I’m clearly just jealous of her hilarious wit, her glamorous life, her presence ont’ Freeview channels and her general chippy-chips existence. I want to be Kerry Katona. And I suspect all your gals out there are just pishing yourself to be just like her, too. Yep.

So here’s How To Live It Up Like Kerry Katona:

Funky Hair

And by ‘Funky’, I mean the sort of funky that also relates to FunkyPigeon.com. Walk into your nearest ‘airdressah what you know doesn’t ‘ave a clue ‘ow to duair, and just tell them to do what the fuck they like. Kerry’s current ‘do is a short back and sides with a large hair-swan ont’ top, like what Reeannah ‘as. The only different between our Kez and Rihanna is that Rihanna is tall, statuesque and beautiful whereas Kerry is stubby, gobby and out to steal your hubby (sorry, that was the only thing I could think of that rhymed and would denote that Kerry is a slag). Does Kerry give a fuck that her hair makes her look like an extra in Prison Bitches: Jailed for Credit Card Fraud But I didn’t Do It, Mister, I Swear On Me Mam’s Life Edition? Does Kerry care that her hair is in Heat’s Hoop of Horror? Does she fuck. All news is good news, innit.

Inappropriate Dress

Speaking of looking like a slag, no Kerry Katona wannabe worth her weight in cocaine-that’s-pretending-to-be-salt would be without a glamruss dress from t’boutiques in London. Think Herve Leger’s famous bandage dress but made significantly cheaper looking by making it out of coloured cling film and being eight sizes too small, a la Kezza. Our Kerry always teams her shitty dresses with disregard for the mantra, ‘Boobs or legs; never both’ and a fuckload of Wrigley’s Extra. Don’t forget a nice pair of plastic heels and big gobby gob on your big gobby gob.

Incase you missed it, here's that picture again.

Incase you missed it, here’s that picture again.

Online Bingo

Celebrity superstars need their downtime too and in between her glamorous life of posing semi-nude in The Sun and ringing Heat magazine to advise them of pending abortions so they can get their ‘Exclusives’ schedule right, Kerry uses her downtime to play online Bingo, so next time you’re at your lowest ebb and playing online, that person sweatin’ ont’ one number for a full house might just be Kerry Katona. To recreate your own Kerry downtime, treat yourself to a whole sphere of Dairylea Triangles and sit w’ yer feet up ont’ sofa and stick ont’ Telly and Wink/Sun Bingo. While you wait for the next game to start, tweet grammatically incorrect things about how when Bryun left you, it broke your heart and now he don’t even go haffers for t’kiddies private educayshun.

Child Neglect

Speaking of t’kiddies, if you want to live it up like Kerry Katona, you need to employ the sort of child neglect that would have even Miss Hannigan ringing fucking social services. Kerry loves forcing her children to take part in her reality shows, where they appear malnourished, unloved and like a modern-day version of the cast of Oliver. Neglect your children like Kerry by teaching them witty retorts for the cameras, such as ‘Lily-Molly-Bobby-Sue-Tanisha, what does daddy do?’ ‘Fucked off to Australia to shack up with Delta Goodrem and doesn’t pay child support, Mummy’. Of course, Kerry bleeds her I’m-not-gonna-tret-my-kids-what-way-me-mam-tretted-me role drier than Mark Croft drained her bank account, so you also need to play a semi-active role in the upbringing of your kids. Kerry’s suggestions for being a mediocre parent swathed in dillusion include doing t’school run while chain smoking (windows up), dancing around the kitchen to cheer your kids up when they’re crying because you won’t turn t’cameras off and going on This Morning to swear blind on your kids’ lives to Philip Schofield that your off the cocaine now for good.

Word Slurring

Finally, if you want to emulate Kerry Katona in any way then you will most certainly need to master the art of slurring your words whilst maintaining eyes deader than Michael Barrymore’s circa Celebrity Big Brother to present day. To do this, make an appointment with your GP and inform him/her that you are severely depressed and need to be heavily medicated lest you commit suicide. Down a quadruple dose of whatever you’re prescribed and then secure yourself a slot on daytime television by, for example, getting acid thrown in your face by an ex-partner or needing a paternity test, and head straight to the bright lights of fame with your craggy jaw chomping at nothing in particular, serving no purpose other than to make you look like you’re off your head. The key to slurring your words effectively is to never acknowledge that you’re slurring your words and, when questioned about it, say things like ‘Am eh? I didn’t know I were slurrin’ me wurds. This is news to me. Oh, I tell you what it might be, it’s me medicayshun for me bunions, innit. But I carn’t hear it meself. Am I?’

Well, there you have it, Kerry wannabes: five ways in which you can class yourself up to be just like Our Kez: Queen of t’Jungle but also, our hearts. Ish.

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How To Think Positively

Last week, I wrote about the art of attracting a man, which mostly detailed the projection of yourself to others. This week, I want to focus on the inner ‘you’ and how your thought process can make you or break you, because no-one can love you until you love yourself. Except Jesus.

Anyway, do you truly love your life or does that motherfucker staring back at you when you look in the mirror make you want to get your hammer out? If, like me, you’re in the latter category, then you need to change. And I don’t just mean throwing out your mirror after you’ve used the shards to slit your wrists. Here’s how you can be a positive thinker:

Use Daily Affirmations

Using daily affirmations to achieve positive thinking has been long known to help improve confidence. It’s easy- just compile a list of statements that you would like to apply to your life and repeat them daily until you start to believe them. You behaviour will change as you see your self-esteem improve. Might I suggest:

The nickname ‘Chubbo’ is meant affectionately and I do not have a weight problem.

My cat loves me as much as I love him.

That time I was drink driving at night in 1998 and hit something but just drove on because I couldnt bear to look back was a racoon and definately not that old woman who was reported missing the next day and was all over the news for the next six months. Her husband probably murdered her himself and then reported her missing to evade prison. I did not kill her.

They weren’t laughing at me.

I’ll dance on her grave. Or haunt her if I die first.

Lemon drizzle cake has the same amount of calories as carrots. They’re just different portion sizes.

Shania Twain is a modern-day poet.

It is ok to book your wedding venue prior to meeting your future husband because these motherfuckers book up quickly.

It’s just a mole. Probably nothing.

Everyone else is crazy. I’m sane. If anyone tries to argue, I’ll just shoot them all. Everyone.

As long as Kerry Katona doesn’t kill herself after an overdose, I’m not the world’s worst parent.

Avoid Negative Influences

Negativity tends to spread quicker than the herp in student housing, so best avoid anyone you know who is negative and downbeat as this may have a knock-on effect. But what if you have no choice but to see these people on a daily basis? Simple- just politely saying ‘Before you start being a drabby tosser and begin harping on about how your parent’s both died in that house fire last month, save it because this is a ‘no-wanker zone’ (gesture to the space between the two of you). Step into that area and I’ll set your fucking house on fire, too.‘ Or, if you aren’t assertive, you could always just stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly anytime they talk. They’ll soon get the hint.

Surround Yourself With Positive Things

‘If I surround myself with positive things, I’ll gain prosperity’ sang Destiny’s Child in the song, ‘Survivor‘- and they were lucky enough, that, when shipwrecked on a desert island in the music video, their clothing ripped off to create body shape-flattering rag-bikinis slash army attire- thank you, positive things. Filling your life with things that make you feel happy, calm and strong can only reap rewards. Therefore, we all need to club together and find a way to get Kanye West the fuck off this planet.

Smile

Smiling burns more calories than frowning, said some wankbag who probably had no friends in school. What makes you smile? Christine Bleakley’s armpit fat? Fighting with people on Facebook? Seeing others fail? Critiquing the lives of others while sitting in a mismatched tracksuit reading the Daily Star? Well then, keep at it. You certainly aren’t a serial killer.

Don’t Stop

There is only one way to stay positive, and that’s to keep being positive and never give up, using any negative occurances to make you stronger. For example, if someone punches you in the face, end that bitch. When someone else gets the promotion you wanted, burn that motherfucker to the ground so that no-one gets promoted again, ever. And if your spouse tells you they don’t want to be an accessory to your psychotic killing sprees again, tell them that they’re next.

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make cyanide and poison everyone.

Yes.

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How To Cope With The Recession: Part II

A while ago, I compiled a list of bulletproof ways to cope with the recession (here), and due to the unprecedented demand for a follow-up (someone told me the first part was so-so. Ish.), here’s Part II: How To Cope With The Recession.

Beg

If I had a penny for every time I walked past a homeless person in any given city centre, just to be warned by a friend that said homeless person was spotted earlier preparing for a day of street begging by removing their Rolex watch, leaving it in the bejewelled glove-compartment of their customised Bentley convertible, donning rags and sitting on a street corner saying, ‘Big Issue, please’, I’d be richer than this entire epidemic of millionaires who enjoy street-begging as some sort of quirky and inexplicable hobby combined. So there you have it folks, go out and get yourself a head scarf and trenchcoat to start your double life as a beggar/assumed millionaire.

Cut Your Grocery Bill in Half

While many people complain about the rising cost of food, there are a number of excellent ways to cut down on’t ‘Big Shop’, such as identifying the person who reduces the supermarkets’s out-of-date food and following them around, much like a stalker, which you can justify to yourself as being ‘thrifty’ and certainly not a danger to yourself or others. Yes, if you weren’t within the premises of Tesco, that person would be applying for a restraining order with your name on it, but if it helps you sleep at night, then asking them for a list of their shifts for the week is merely ‘making conversation with an acquaintance’. If you have morals and thus feel uncomfortable stalking someone, you can alternatively slash the price of your groceries by standing by the free samples in-store and taking umpteen cocktail sticks while saying, ‘I haven’t made up my mind yet’ to the disillusioned salesperson.

You can also employ this tactic while getting ready for a fancy night out by going into Superdrug and using the free make-up testers. Remember to get that lipstick all over your teeth or else you won’t be able to ingest the remnants of oral herpes left on the tester by the last non-paying patron.

Ask For A Payrise

Money saving goldenboy, Martin Lewis, is a pioneer of making the public’s money go further, and his first rule of thumb is to know your worth and ask your boss for a payrise if your pay is below industry norms. Even during today’s economic meltdown, asking your boss for a payrise is likely to result in a windfall as they will inevitably tell you to go fuck yourself, sack you and employ someone to do the job for half your wages. Hey presto, £70 per week you never had before claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance!

Become A Kardashian

No skills required. It doesn’t matter if you are an arsy dickhead with little to contribute to society other than the ability to make every statement you say sound like a question and occasionally bust into tears on camera, saying, ‘I mean, people think I’m all about money and material goods but they’re wrong!’ whilst similtanaeously being all about money and material goods- you’ll fit right in.

Play Online Bingo

Not only does the glamorous world of online Bingo open up a new realm of possibilities for cash prizes, new cars and holidays, you can make new friends with the  losers other Bingo players in the corresponding chatrooms, bonding over discussions of how Dazza6969 should tell his girlfriend that he took out a credit card in her name to play online Poker or watching a love story unfold between CouncilEstateBabe1 and SwanseaHotGuy4U as they start having the type of online affair that would make Kerry Katona herself say, ‘That’s a bit low-rent’. Plus, think of the money you’ll save by not getting out of bed for days while you developing manic depression. Quids in!

Kerching.

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