I love Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Like many people, I’d like to cite the reason for my interest in the programme to be an innate curiosity for murder, but actually, I’m just collecting tips for the day I strike.
Anyways, I remember reading a while ago about Jenna Marbles’ Law and Order: SVU Drinking Game, complete with red plastic cups, grey marl USC jumpers, good looking twenty-something hipsters and a game of Beer Pong beckoning afterwards. The premise is to basically drink certain amounts of alcohol when frequent scenarios crop up throughout the programme, all the while drowning in a sea of your own smug self-satisfaction.
I choose not to play that game, in the same way Nickelback ‘choose’ to not be in with the in-crowd. I have, however, unknowingly created my own game that I act out during each new episode of Law and Order: SVU, and I’m going to share with you the instructions to join in if you, too, are a poor man’s Jenna Marbles.
Look forward to Law and Order: SVU all day because your life is empty.
Talking Bit At Start
Talk along with the voice-over (In the criminal justice system, sexually based offences are considered particularly heinous… etc.). Fuck it up mid-way by stumbling over the words and pretend it’s all just a bit laugh when really you’re dying inside.
Continue to work on the song that you’ve been making up for the past year-and-a-half about the show that fits in perfectly with the theme song. Pause if needed (ignore disdain from spouse). Try not to get too disappointed if B.D. Wong’s name isn’t in this episode’s line-up, even though the absence of B.D. Wong means that this episode is going to be a total bore-fest, possibly completely set in court. If B.D. Wong’s name features, cheer because now you known the episode will be about a respectable-sort-turned-serial-killer. Brilliant! Remember to sing ‘Dick Wolf’ as the theme tune ends, because it fits perfectly and it’s hilariously profane.
Spend the entire episode narrating to your annoyed partner, mimicking ‘Son of a Bitch’ every time Olivia mutters it on the way out the door when she hears that the perp has been up his old tricks even though he just made bail. Whenever the show decides to have an episode centred around Ice T (in a vain attempt to pretend they promote diversity even though according to SVU, the only non-black person that inhabits prison is a shamed white investment banker who raped January Jones in 2001 and went back for more in 2004), have no respect for him because you’ve watched his reality show (see ‘Pre-Programme’ section, which clearly shows that you have no life).
Maureen, Kathleen and/or Dickie
This game assumes you’re watching new episodes but what if you’re reading this from the past because you’ve just invented time travel through your laptop or you’re Hilary Duff starring in a Disney film about being a bit psychic? I imagine you’ll still be on the older episodes with Stabler and his stupid family that serve as nothing but a cockblock to the potential romance between Stabler and Olivia. If you hear the names Maureen, Kathleen and/or Dickie, down a bottle of wine in acknowledgement of what might have been.
Get up and dance like you’re a good fella in 1988 with a moustache and a pair of stonewashed jeans, as the End Credits music is most definitely consistent with this genre/lifestyle choice. Remember to sing ‘Dick Wolf’ again at the end, because you’re just too fucking hilarious.