Tag Archives: Law and order: special victims unit

The REAL Law and Order: SVU Drinking Game (No Drink or Fun Included)

Johnny and Sally Come-Lately Not Pictured

I love Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Like many people, I’d like to cite the reason for my interest in the programme to be an innate curiosity for murder, but actually, I’m just collecting tips for the day I strike.

Anyways, I remember reading a while ago about Jenna Marbles’ Law and Order: SVU Drinking Game, complete with red plastic cups, grey marl USC jumpers, good looking twenty-something hipsters and a game of Beer Pong beckoning afterwards. The premise is to basically drink certain amounts of alcohol when frequent scenarios crop up throughout the programme, all the while drowning in a sea of your own smug self-satisfaction.

I choose not to play that game, in the same way Nickelback ‘choose’ to not be in with the in-crowd. I have, however, unknowingly created my own game that I act out during each new episode of Law and Order: SVU, and I’m going to share with you the instructions to join in if you, too, are a poor man’s Jenna Marbles.

Nickelback: Blinded by their own shitness

Nickelback: Blinded by their own shitness

Pre-Programme

Look forward to Law and Order: SVU all day because your life is empty.

Talking Bit At Start

Talk along with the voice-over (In the criminal justice system, sexually based offences are considered particularly heinous… etc.). Fuck it up mid-way by stumbling over the words and pretend it’s all just a bit laugh when really you’re dying inside.

Theme Tune

Continue to work on the song that you’ve been making up for the past year-and-a-half about the show that fits in perfectly with the theme song. Pause if needed (ignore disdain from spouse). Try not to get too disappointed if B.D. Wong’s name isn’t in this episode’s line-up, even though the absence of B.D. Wong means that this episode is going to be a total bore-fest, possibly completely set in court. If B.D. Wong’s name features, cheer because now you known the episode will be about a respectable-sort-turned-serial-killer. Brilliant! Remember to sing ‘Dick Wolf’ as the theme tune ends, because it fits perfectly and it’s hilariously profane.

So good, his character' name and actual name are the nearly the same. Or perhaps the writers are a bit racist.

So good, his character’ name and actual name are the nearly the same. Or perhaps the writers are a bit racist.

Episode Content

Spend the entire episode narrating to your annoyed partner, mimicking ‘Son of a Bitch’ every time Olivia mutters it on the way out the door when she hears that the perp has been up his old tricks even though he just made bail. Whenever the show decides to have an episode centred around Ice T (in a vain attempt to pretend they promote diversity even though according to SVU, the only non-black person that inhabits prison is a shamed white investment banker who raped January Jones in 2001 and went back for more in 2004), have no respect for him because you’ve watched his reality show (see ‘Pre-Programme’ section, which clearly shows that you have no life).

Maureen, Kathleen and/or Dickie

This game assumes you’re watching new episodes but what if you’re reading this from the past because you’ve just invented time travel through your laptop or you’re Hilary Duff starring in a Disney film about being a bit psychic? I imagine you’ll still be on the older episodes with Stabler and his stupid family that serve as nothing but a cockblock to the potential romance between Stabler and Olivia. If you hear the names Maureen, Kathleen and/or Dickie, down a bottle of wine in acknowledgement of what might have been.

Stabler, Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie and Jim-Bob

Stabler, Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie and Jim-Bob

End Credits

Get up and dance like you’re a good fella in 1988 with a moustache and a pair of stonewashed jeans, as the End Credits music is most definitely consistent with this genre/lifestyle choice. Remember to sing ‘Dick Wolf’ again at the end, because you’re just too fucking hilarious.

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Exercise Move of the Month… Refusing To Get Out Of Bed

We are busier than ever before and it is so difficult to find the time to exercise- which is why I am a firm believer in fitting exercise into your daily routine. This month’s exercise move is brought to you by the letter ‘D’ for ‘Downfall of the Economy’, ‘Depression’, ‘Dead End’ and ‘Dude, where’s my lie in?‘, taking that time of day in which you genuinely think you might actually kill yourself, and adding physical activity to it.

Here’s how to do the ‘Refusing to Get Out of Bed’ workout:

Step 1

Prepare for your workout in advance by not going to bed at a reasonable hour and staying up to watch a much-repeated episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Make sure to drink plenty of fluids so that you have to wake up numerous times throughout the night to go to the toilet, ensuring that any possibility of a good night’s sleep is eliminated, you shhllllaggg.

Step 2

Having had a terrible night’s sleep, your alarm goes off, signalling the start of your workout. Work those triceps as you snooze every five minutes for the next half an hour, and feel the burn in your lower arms as you death-grip your duvet to try to block out the bleak world that you face when you eventually have to get out of bed. Why is life so cruel?

Step 3

After half an hour of tricep-work with the snooze button, the real work begins. As you are now pushed for time, your partner or parent will enter the room and say, ‘Get out of bed, you lazy bastard! Why do you never learn to go to bed early?’, at which point, you should feel the burn in your abdominal muscles as you drag your lifeless torso upright to say, ‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ (like so)…

 Lie back down in bed. Repeat five times. Feel beads of sweat form as you, deep down, feel embarrassed that you’re such a failure and can’t even manage to get your own shit together without the intervention of someone else. Who secretly resents you.

Step 4

After your parent or partner eventually shouts, ‘I don’t know what to do with you anymore! You can sort yourself out from now on, you turdbag!’ and slams the door as they leave, feel your chest muscles working overtime as you sob marvellously and shout, ‘Why me?!?!’ Shake your fist towards the sky if you want to ‘up’ the intensity of your workout.

Step 5

Feel your brain muscles go into a frenzy as you search fruitlessly for an alternative to this dreary life of monotony. Take your breathing down to a relaxed level as you realise that you have no choice but to get up and get on with your day. Work those leg muscles as you stomp around the floor like a stroppy child.

Imagine you’re taking part in the London Olympics 2012 as you grasp your alarm clock and throw it like a javelin at the wall, smashing it into a thousand pieces. Laugh like a hyena, or, if you aren’t doing this at intermediate level, an evil genuis. Exit the room.

Step 6

Finally, to round off your workout, give your shoulders and chest muscles a battering by weeping copiously. Cry the whole way through Daybreak, weep as your brush your teeth to the extent your tears get into your mouth and you are effectively brushing your teeth with your own sadness, and sob the whole way to work. To complete the workout, get those legs going by kicking a pigeon on your journey, just because you can.

And… rest! Repeat every morning for effective results.

If nothing else, you’ll get free anti-depressants from your local GP. Get in.

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