Tag Archives: Martin Lewis

How To Earn More Money And Get Out Of Debt

We are a nation in debt. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to cut down on the things I like for the purpose of saving money, because I’m a greedy, materialistic non-entity whose ‘stuff’ defines my existence. Only joking…

Wonderful human being, Martin Lewis has long been flying the flag for Joe Public, in the fight against corporate crime, greed and the age of consumer manipulation. His goal in life is to get us all out of debt and back to a simpler time when money market instruments weren’t designed to extort money from confused individuals, stealing the livelihood of African farmers was not an ‘investment opportunity’ and when buying a house meant you weren’t paying it it off until retirement the sweet release of death. He is a great man.

But unfortunately, his tips to get us saving money and out of debt are all a bit grim. Do I really want to stop buying the same Primark top over and over again? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, because confidence can be bought! Do I really want to cut down on my grocery shopping? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, for I like eating until I vomit! Do I really want to ring the bank to reclaim the PPI they fraudulently added to my loan? No I don’t Martin Lewis, because I can’t be arsed and Geordie Shore is on!

What we need is to be enthusiastic about saving money and getting out of debt- to make the art of frugality a bit more amusing, sociable and fun.

So here are my own non-boring tips to make some extra money and get yourself out of debt:

1. Commit credit card fraud

If you can’t afford to spend on your own credit cards, applying for them fraudulently in someone’s else name not only stimulates our economy, but saves you a fortune. Step one- Open an Excel spreadsheet and title it ‘People I’m Robbing’. Step Two- Rummage through the same bins for months, gathering important and private information about the owner. Step Three- Once enough information has been gathered, apply online like the cowardly thief you are for all sorts of finance. Step Four- Go on a spending spree with your stolen money. Step Five- Get caught. Step Six- Get a friend to cement your arse-crack for your stint in prison.

2. Fake your own death

And say goodbye to debt repayments forever. In addition to being a hilarious prank to play on loved ones, faking your own death cuts down a lot of other everyday expenses too- such as phone bills (because you’ll be dead) and rent (because you’ll be dead). Prior to faking your own death, pick a hereditary illness to later die of, so that your siblings will be shitting themselves and lying awake at night, waiting for the grim reaper- titter! Entertain yourself at your funeral by rolling out of the coffin when someone accidentally gets too close in grief, making your family hoist your lifeless body back in whilst weeping with horror. Then use your coffin as a raft to sail the whole way to Panama. Hello, new life in the sun!

3. Steal from friends and family

If you choose not to fake your own death as you’d miss your loved ones too much, then why not steal from them instead? Stealing from friends and family is an easy and effective way to up your income, mostly because they trust you enough to let you into their homes where you can spend all day deciding what to pawn to Cash Converters in exchange for material items that are more important than your relationships. Heads up: sentimental value means nothing in Cash Converters, so if you’re going to say, steal your Grandmother’s locket, remember to throw out the picture of her with her beloved deceased dog, Tricksy, first.

4. Start playing slot machines

Gambling via slot machines, is a low-risk, high-return way to nurse your pockets back to financial health. And you don’t even need any money to get started. Simply enter any depressing pub, and take your start-up capital right out of the charity box. The children of Africa don’t mind- you need it more than them. Then spend every waking hour of the rest of your life playing Poker with a teletext-style computer. Insider secret: ploughing your meagre winnings back into the machine is a brilliant idea as this maximises your chances of winning even more money. You’ll be rich on your next go, I can feel it.

5. Sell a baby

Self explanatory really. Sell a baby.

6. Become clinically depressed

Being depressed to the extent you cannot get out of bed in the morning is an excellent way to avoid the shops and save some cash. In addition, because you aren’t paying money off your mountain of bills, you’ll be too depressed to answer the door to the balliffs who have come round to kick your fuck in and take your plasma screen. Bingo!

7. Blackmail someone

Besides being an excellent money-maker, blackmail has endless benefits- it helps to develop your interpersonal skills, you can hone your arts and crafts skills by making ransom notes, and you might even make a few friends in the process! Simply stalk someone until you uncover a dirty secret, and then threaten to tout on them. Remember, the art of blackmail is like dancing, you move and your partner reacts for as long as you choose to keep it up. Blackmail- like Zumba, but for cunts.

8. Participate in clinical trials

Clinical trials have long been an effective way for the emotionally damaged to earn some extra money, but us ‘normals’ have never really subscribed because we prefer to have all of our fingers intact, rather than obtain the money to buy a big bag of crack. But, in all honesty, do we really need all those fingers? I, for one, would be glad to cut down the time I take to manicure my nails.

9. Create your own spam e-mail

May I suggest, ‘Greeting frend. I am writing not for donation, but seeking companionship in time difficult to me. You see, my father, Prince Henrik the Second of Pretchovakia, is ill and soon to die. I am heir to throne and estate- you see, I need not the donation and am how your people say ‘heavy of pocket’. I seek lady frendship to talk and have the elbow to cry on. In my country, men talk not of feeling but I am twentyeth century male for new millenium and wish to meet lady to walk long on beach, listen to the Michael Buble and govern nation like Princess. I even pay air travel costs. All I ask is pleasure of getting to know you, such as name, first line of address, postcode, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, bank account number, sort code and characters 1 and 5 of your secret answer. Please enclose these details as reply so we can get to know each other. Many hug and more, Steve Henrik the Third’.

Obviously, you can write whatever you want, just made sure you ask the recipient for their private information in a conspicuous and savvy way, as above.

10. Prostitution

Prostitution is an excellent second job. Not only is it a tax-efficient way to make some extra cash, but you can also save on petrol by getting your ‘John’ to drop you off at your next destination, be it your pimp’s hovel, neighbourhood meth clinic or local shop that sells feather boas, ripped tights and other prostitute attire.

So there you have it, folks- ten ways in which you can finally get yourself out of debt and back to the good life. Anyways, I have to cut this one short, the internet is really expensive in Panama and my pimp keeps tapping his watch.

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Four Beauty Tips Guaranteed To Make You More Beautiful

I like to take care of myself. People constantly say ,’Oh my god, you’re so beautiful.’ ‘How do you get your hair so shiny?’ ‘What skin regime keeps your face so youthful?’ ‘How do you stay in such great shape?’ to Kim Kardashian. Which is why I can’t stand her- bitch.

As I have mentioned several times previously, I ”have a great personality”. Not one of you bastards left me a comment to say, ‘ach, you’re not as ugly as you think’. Well, FUCK YOU ALL.

And it isn’t just me. Us gals and guys are never satisfied with our looks, which is why the beauty industry has grown during the last few years when most other industries are doing the business equivalent of Martin Lewis’s Drop A Brand Challenge- which incidentally, seeing as I haven’t got a pot to piss in, I’m doing the ‘Drop a Brand Challenge’ myself and I’ve discover that Tesco ‘own brand’ peanut butter isn’t half bad. Mother, I hope you’re reading this- pat yourself on the back, you’ve raised a savage.

Anyway, being the modern day Little Match Girl has forced me to get creative when it comes to beauty, and I am going to share my four beauty tips with you so that you can, one day, be as beautiful as Kim Kardashian Laura Linney.

1. Change up your routine

It is a widely known fact that you should change up your beauty regime with the aim of ‘shocking’ your skin/hair/body with new products. I like to achieve this by shocking myself at how depressing my life is. Much like Madonna, who is known to source her skincare products from a place where the sun doesn’t shine in Japan (something to do with the mud, my internet source gushes), I operate a strict policy in order to ensure I am in tip-top condition. I source my products from Tesco Metro aisle-ends, known for their ‘cheap as fuck’ and ‘grim’ properties. My skin is always shocked at how poor I am, and always radiates a rosy glow by being embarrassed by how paltry and few my achievements are.

2. Pick an icon and ‘pay tribute’ to their style

I have often been praised for my unique style, but I must confess that I have actually based my look on an icon from yesteryear. Death row hottie, Aileen Wuornos had the ability to put her own style stamp on any generic look, whether it was 80’s prostitute, 80’s lesbian or 80’s serial killer. Inventor of the fullet (female mullet)? Aileen Wuornos. First person to rock crotchless dungarees? Aileen Wuornos. Slutifier of the orange prison jumpsuit? Aileen Wuornos. I have long been an avid student of fashion-icon Aileen Wuornos, and regularly leave my locks unwashed for days on end to achieve her ‘unwashed mullet of a homeless prostitute’ look. On occasion, I have been known to go out in a top covered in stains a la Aileen ‘drinking for free at a Floridian watering hole in exchange for sexual favours’. But it isn’t all glamour. At home, I adhere to a dressy/casual code, much like Aileen ‘on the straight and narrow by attending an interview for a lawyer job, not realising you need qualifications and more on your CV than ‘Prostitute for teen/adult life’. Aileen Wuornos- Style Icon, and Queen of our Hearts.

3. Be comfortable

Beauty literature does not have the luxury of seeing me au naturelle, which is why it is always spouting absolute bollocks that women look best when they are comfortable and freshed face. And by best, they mean an army of hairless, rashy panda babies. Yes, that’s right, male reader- she wasn’t born with it, it was fucking Maybelline. Therefore, you may as well throw on things that make you comfortable, seeing as life is futile anyhow. For me, this means pyjamas. I love pyjamas. Flannel ones, mis-matched ones, holey-crotch and armpit ones, aspiring silk but really 5% sateen Primark ones- by Christ, I love them like the Amish love humility. There is currently a bit of a movement in which wearing your pyjamas out in public has become a societal norm. I support this movement, because I am a secret tramp. I shoehorn my obesity into jeans and jackets, but in truth, I want to let it all hang out in pyjamas, Crocs and a packet of cigarettes for a handbag. I envy women who have the confidence to carry off this look, as I, too, would love to buy more scratchcards, get into a brawl on Mother’s Day that started over a dirty look and possess a palette delicate enough to truly appreciate ‘kebab on chips’. Colour me fucking gutted, I can but dream.

4. Less is more

For all you sceptics out there who don’t agree that ‘Less is more’- two words- ‘Jodie Marsh’. Jodie Marsh has lower self-esteem than the entire audience of Loose Women combined. So what does she do? She trawls around sex shops to find plastic attire with the aim of attracting muscular simpleton males with whom reality TV ‘gold’ is made. Yes, he beats her when he’s trying to come off the steroids, but then she drags her battered carcass to Heat magazine to sell her story. She wears the sort of make-up that a drag queen would describe as ‘too drag-queeny’, but she probably keeps Superdrug’s ‘Miss Sporty’ range in business- thank you for stimulating our economy, Jodie Marsh . She is solely responsibly for the slutification of today’s youth, which is arguably linked to increased promiscuity and higher teen-pregnancy and abortion rates- like a fucking icon. Jodie Marsh- Icon of our time. So what I am saying is, less self-esteem really is more.

Well, I hope these tips are of some help to you in your quest for aesthetic perfection. It’s a hard slog, but well worth it to find a man who loves you for your looks and then leaves you when you start to decay. Gravy train!

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