Tag Archives: mtv

Where Are They Now- The Cast of The Osbournes

The Osbournes exploded on to our screens in 2002 like a pigeon merrily dumping its faeces on your car windowscreen, in that it was total shit, and no amount of wiping was going to take it away. No, those fuckers were here to stay.

My first encounter with the Osbournes in a reality-show capacity was reading a Rolling Stone article with the fame-famished family, discussing their reasons for jamming their lives forceably into MTV’s reality slot, and even then, as a 14-year old who scribed the words ‘I Luv Hanson’ into furniture, I could see that this was a bad idea. Reading that article, I wondered if one of the producers suggested it as a joke and it went from there. The emperor has no clothes, people!

Anyway, ‘rocker’ Ozzy (real name Clive), his wife Sharon, their son Jack and alleged daughter Kelly comprise the cast of the Osbournes. Eldest daughter Aimee chose not to be on screen, and for that, she’s my favourite by default. However, I expect that sharing a gene-pool with that pack of depressing cunts still makes her really unlikeable.

The four attention-seeking Osbournes ploughed on without Aimee, helping the show rise to super-popularity in it’s three-year run- although this was mostly due to the fact that people are stupid. And extremely bored. But with 7 years passing since the programme ended, where are those horrible self-promoting cunts nowadays? Did they all die a slow and painful death? Sadly, no. Here’s an update *Jazz hands.

Ozzy Osbourne

After The Osbournes ended, Ozzy bragged in an interview with BBC Radio 2 that he was ‘stoned’ during the entire filming process. Soon after, he was found to be lying about his drug-use when someone asked him for ‘a draw of his spliff’, which turned out not to be marijuana, but a ‘sweetie cigarette’, or ‘candy cigarette’ if you watch too much American TV. After this revelation, Ozzy Osbourne’s reputation as a druggie, rock rebel went down the pan, and he admitted that it was ”all pretend”. ‘I drank bottles of St. John’s Wort to make me slur my words. I didn’t even want to do the show- I only agreed because Kelly said it would be her Birthday and Christmas present. And as for that bat incident- that didn’t happen. Sharon has a load of them living in her cavernous vagina, and they’d go apeshit if I’d beheaded one. In all honesty, it was just a plastic turd with two studs on the top for ears,’ he admits.

Sharon Osbourne

Sharon Osbourne– or ‘Fuckface’ to her friends- played the long-suffering wife during The Osbournes’ heyday, and her fame has continued to rise since. Most recently, Sharon has used colon cancer to her advantage by selling every iota of her illness to the press, making her children pose with sad faces around her hospital bed for photos and probably auctioning off her test results on eBay. Now that she has a clean bill of health, what’s next for the star? ‘Well, once I finish my quest for using plastic surgery to make me an exact replica of the Joker from Batman, I’m hoping I get another potentially fatal illness to stay in the magazines!‘ she laughs terrifyingly, adding, ‘Magazine inches validate my existence, and keep me busy so I don’t have to deal with the knowledge that I’ve used my husband’s affairs and cancer to gain popularity with the public.’

Jack Osbourne

Kooky Jack may have wanted to use the show as a platform to further his own music career or whatever he kept on whining on about during the show, but we probably all remember him more for cringing at the out-of-his-league ‘girlfriends’ who were really just using him to get on TV. Since then, Jack is currently being used by another girl who is clearly out of his league, but to be fair to her, she’s earned it- having had to bear his child. In addition to becoming a father, Jack has overhauled his image, going from a chubby, frizzy-haired geek, to that semi-handsome man that works in your local coffee shop who says ‘The usual?‘ to you when you walk in, and you exchange small-talk and think nothing more of it until one dark, eerie night, he shows up at your house and says his car broke down and he thought you lived in this street, and thank god- you do!- can he use your phone to ring AA? Before you know it, you’ve let your guard down and invited him in, but suddenly, he pounces on you and wrestles you to the ground. Wrapping masking tape around your shaking arms, he whispers in your ear, ‘Not so special now, bitch!‘ and tapes your mouth. After two weeks of torture you’re running out of air and, stuck in his car boot, you can feel your heart pumping wearily as you pray that the search party find you before you die of thirst. Yeah, he’s that guy.

Kelly Osbourne

Smelly Kelly has arguably made the biggest transition from her MTV persona, going from nerdy outsider to bitchy popular clique-leader who gets off on making other people cry. After dropping the weight-equivalent of a medium-sized dwarf (although her head-size has unfortunately remained intact), Kelly felt that people accepted her more and started embracing herself as a quirky socialite with a dark past, being employed as someone who critiques the appearances of others for the E! network while looking like a fucking dog’s dinner herself, and throwing in that she ‘used to be fat so she knows what it’s like’, as if it’s a justification for causing someone else’s eating disorder. Surprisingly, Kelly is the most family-oriented of the Osbournes, and regularly enjoys turd-bat fashioning with her dad, sad face cancer-posing with her mum, and making sure the crime scene is bleached and the body disposed of with beloved brother Jack.

Keep living the dream, Osbournes!

You cunts.

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Prick of the Week- Geordie Shore

After watching the first episode of MTV’s Geordie Shore- Chaos in Cancun on Tuesday night, I can only assume that the producers advertised recruitment for the show as ‘Are you a failed abortion with no job or future? Do you like saying the word ‘Bantah’ a lot, but have absolutely no idea that banter doesn’t mean having sex with strangers on camera that is played back to the general public in nightvision while they laugh at you? Were you facing a life of robbing to subsidise your benefits for learning difficulties? Well then, apply to Geordie Shore today, and start your new life as a glorified porn star who is paid to slither around the VIP section of low-rent nightclubs!’

Admittedly, I watch the show so this is entirely hypocritical of me. But I’d watch anything, so that doesn’t say much. There was a time when Geordie Shore was once funny, some of the characters were even *slightly* endearing, but, like every reality show nowadays, the characters have got wise on how to build up an ’empire’ (I’m using ’empire’ in the loosest possible sense here), and the show has become massively contrived and awkward.

Take baby-voiced, arm flailing, towel-as-daywearing, Charlotte and bitchy Lego man, Gary. I am fucking sick to the back teeth of looking at these two gimps as they act out the sort of on-again off-again relationship that would have Katie Price saying, ‘Enough is enough. This bullshit isn’t worth the coverage in Heat magazine’.

Gary’s wingman is Jay, the perfect posterchild for a campaign to adopt capital punishment in the UK, with the slogan, ‘Who cares if a few innocent men are convicted wrongly and die? It’ll be alreet, pet.’ 

On the outskirts of this nonce-fest is Sophie, a lesser wanker than the others, but a wanker none-the-less. Sophie has left behind boyfriend Joel, basically an uglier-faced Ken doll with a very prominent steroid-addiction, to go to Cancun. Lucky her.

But sadly, these four are the most likable of the cast. My least favourite is James– a poor man’s Anthony Hutton who makes me want to invent a time machine just so I can go back to the time of his conception and stop his mother from downing those rohypnol-laced lagers and beg his father to stop raping women in the back alley of the pub. His treatment of Holly, a girl with daddy issues so severe, the entire live-in community of the Playboy mansion is currently sending her a ‘Thinking of You During this Difficult Time’ card, is abysmal, but hey- that’s just the power of the combover. Holly is best friends by default with Rebecca, Newcastle’s answer to Olive Oyl from Popeye, if Olive Oyl was a massive tart.

In the midst of this pack of abysmal cunts is Ricci and Vicky, Newcastle’s equivalent to a more-unlikable Fred and Rost West. Both are underlying serial killers- Vicky’s uncontrollable rage, egoism and relentless bullying simmering at the edges, coupled with Ricci’s arrogant bastardism, coloured Ray-Ban favouring and general drunk dickheadness make for the sort of concoction that would make the majority of the general public turn a blind eye if a terrorist attack occurred in the Newcastle Upon Tyne area.

So now the ‘gang’ are in Cancun, ready to slime around the place, spreading AIDs all over everything in Mexico and getting on it like a car bonnet. Mexico is famed for being the murder capital of the world, but it is assured that Cancun is a very safe place for tourists to holiday with absolutely no threat of murder. Pity that.

Geordie Shore– fuck you.

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The Cast of The Hills- Where Are They Now?

‘It’s been two years since MTV had any decent programming!’ is the cry of many people worldwide who don’t understand the meaning of the words ‘two’, ‘decent’ and ‘programming’. Of course, they are referring to the departure of popular-among-the-braindead-and-the-long-term-imprisoned gem ‘The Hills’, a reality show and very long advertisement for the legitimacy of gun possession in the USA.

Shockingly, since the show ended there has been little about the cast in the media, and many people who work from home in the sexline industry inquire as to the whereabouts of the cast now, citing that this would help them go to their happy place during work. Bless. For those among us who care, I have done some research and can now present, ‘The Cast of The Hills- Where are They Now?’

Lauren Conrad

After Lauren bowed out ‘gracefully’ in the penultimate series, she tried her hand at the glamourous world of fashion, establishing her own business. She balances hiring her mouth out as a wire hanger whilst moonlight as a mannequin. ‘After The Hills ended, I didn’t know what I would do’, explains the star, ‘but as people kept pointing out, my dead eyes, lack of thoughts and general vapidness are a perfect fit for the glitzy world of being a mannequin! And I’ve been molested by the public four times, which I see as a compliment’. Go, girl!

Workaholic Lauren on the job:

Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Resident villains, Heidi and Spencer, loved to cause drama in the glamourous Hollywood show- or rather, read out their lines that just happened to create a stir. But in reality, they are a tale of heartbreak and sadness, for after Spencer was brutally murdered by a gang of rabid wolves who were ‘Team Conrad’, Heidi fled to obscurity in fear of her life, reportedly living in a rural location, and is almost reclusive except for her occasional use of a tiny machine in which she liaises with the press via morse code. ‘Long dot, short dot, short dot, pause, Awesome Nose Job!’, communicates the star.

Spencer During Happier Times (R.I.P.)

Audrina Patridge

Most people who give a fuck (five to be exact) say that after Audrina’s reality show, titled ‘Audrina’ (‘I chose the show’s name myself’, says Audrina, ‘by fusing together the names of my two favourite things- Audrey Hepburn and ballerinas in general’), was cancelled, she disappeared off the face of earth. However, they don’t realise how right they are- Audrina has recently joined Nasa’s Whores in Space project, in which they have teamed up with Hugh Heffner to diversify the sex industry to our solar neighbours.

Brody Jenner

Brody Jenner was best known for being a lovable lothario during the latter episodes of The Hills, and nothing much has changed- he is currently facing life imprisonment for performing a lude act on the mannequin formerly known as Lauren Conrad during one of her shifts. ‘This is my only phonecall’, says the hunk with a heart, ‘can you do me a favour and see if any TV networks want to buy my new series- ‘Jailtime Jenner’– it’s a talkshow, in which I interview criminal dudes and get raped in the showers a lot?‘ We predict big things for this guy!

Lo Bosworth

Just like in The Hills, Lo and Lauren are still the best of friends. When we caught up with Lo, she was ravaging through a bin outside the lingerie shop where Conrad works as a mannequin. ‘I’m always one step behind Lauren, just like old times! Can you spare a dollar for the bus?’ she muses. Good times.

So there you have it, folks. They may not be on our screens anymore, but at least our favourite stars are living large in lady Hollywood. And just like their lines when the series was prematurely cancelled, the rest is still unwritten. Keep living the dream, cool cats!

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Snooki Pregnant- What’s Next For The Jersey Whore?

Glamorous and not-at-all insulting to femalekind pickle-enthusiast, Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki, is knocked up. Sorry, ‘pregnant’. I keep forgetting that she’s a human being with feelings. Maybe.

It has been reported that Snooki is ecstatic to be ‘with child’ and if a girl, she will be named ‘Absynthia‘. If she is carrying a boy, Snooki hopes to call it ‘The Contraception’. While this name appears to pay homage to fellow Jersey Shore misfit and future rehab roomie, The Situation, Snooki has confirmed that it is actually an acronym, compiled with the initial letter of each potential father.

Snooki hopes that the baby is a boy, due to future career opportunities available, in which she and The Contraception can tour America’s country clubs together. She and The Contraception (who is an adult as this stage…. probably. But possibly not.) can pretend to be embroiled in a torrid cougar-style love affair while scamming bored housewives out of their money.

But that’s not to say Snooki wouldn’t be delighted if she had a daughter. Not only does Snooki yearn for an heir to inherit her array of $5 crotchless dresses, fuckload of neon flip flops and plentiful collection of grafitti-print lesbian-style trucker hats, she also dreams of the day she gets to teach her child how to pole dance for the MTV cameras.

And how will the young (in mental age) mother cope balancing a busy career of drinking until she pukes while putting on a whiny baby voice and hitting Pauly D with various inflatables and being a mother (theoretically)? Simple- little Abcynthia/The Contraception has already signed a contract for the next series of Jersey Shore, named ‘Jersey Shore- Whoops I Forgot To Take My Pill’. MTV producers are very excited about up-and-coming storylines, including an episode in which the baby wins fourteen consecutive games of Scrabble against the rest of the cast, the baby stays sober to look after the rest of the cast on a night out, and The Situation gets stabbed right in his stupid-steroidy face. Which has nothing to do with the baby, but wouldn’t it be nice?

Here’s wishing mother-to-be, Snooki, the best of luck in her journey. And more so to her baby, who should be quaking in age-inappropriate boots. Fist pump!

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