The Osbournes exploded on to our screens in 2002 like a pigeon merrily dumping its faeces on your car windowscreen, in that it was total shit, and no amount of wiping was going to take it away. No, those fuckers were here to stay.
My first encounter with the Osbournes in a reality-show capacity was reading a Rolling Stone article with the fame-famished family, discussing their reasons for jamming their lives forceably into MTV’s reality slot, and even then, as a 14-year old who scribed the words ‘I Luv Hanson’ into furniture, I could see that this was a bad idea. Reading that article, I wondered if one of the producers suggested it as a joke and it went from there. The emperor has no clothes, people!
Anyway, ‘rocker’ Ozzy (real name Clive), his wife Sharon, their son Jack and alleged daughter Kelly comprise the cast of the Osbournes. Eldest daughter Aimee chose not to be on screen, and for that, she’s my favourite by default. However, I expect that sharing a gene-pool with that pack of depressing cunts still makes her really unlikeable.
The four attention-seeking Osbournes ploughed on without Aimee, helping the show rise to super-popularity in it’s three-year run- although this was mostly due to the fact that people are stupid. And extremely bored. But with 7 years passing since the programme ended, where are those horrible self-promoting cunts nowadays? Did they all die a slow and painful death? Sadly, no. Here’s an update *Jazz hands.
After The Osbournes ended, Ozzy bragged in an interview with BBC Radio 2 that he was ‘stoned’ during the entire filming process. Soon after, he was found to be lying about his drug-use when someone asked him for ‘a draw of his spliff’, which turned out not to be marijuana, but a ‘sweetie cigarette’, or ‘candy cigarette’ if you watch too much American TV. After this revelation, Ozzy Osbourne’s reputation as a druggie, rock rebel went down the pan, and he admitted that it was ”all pretend”. ‘I drank bottles of St. John’s Wort to make me slur my words. I didn’t even want to do the show- I only agreed because Kelly said it would be her Birthday and Christmas present. And as for that bat incident- that didn’t happen. Sharon has a load of them living in her cavernous vagina, and they’d go apeshit if I’d beheaded one. In all honesty, it was just a plastic turd with two studs on the top for ears,’ he admits.
Sharon Osbourne– or ‘Fuckface’ to her friends- played the long-suffering wife during The Osbournes’ heyday, and her fame has continued to rise since. Most recently, Sharon has used colon cancer to her advantage by selling every iota of her illness to the press, making her children pose with sad faces around her hospital bed for photos and probably auctioning off her test results on eBay. Now that she has a clean bill of health, what’s next for the star? ‘Well, once I finish my quest for using plastic surgery to make me an exact replica of the Joker from Batman, I’m hoping I get another potentially fatal illness to stay in the magazines!‘ she laughs terrifyingly, adding, ‘Magazine inches validate my existence, and keep me busy so I don’t have to deal with the knowledge that I’ve used my husband’s affairs and cancer to gain popularity with the public.’
Kooky Jack may have wanted to use the show as a platform to further his own music career or whatever he kept on whining on about during the show, but we probably all remember him more for cringing at the out-of-his-league ‘girlfriends’ who were really just using him to get on TV. Since then, Jack is currently being used by another girl who is clearly out of his league, but to be fair to her, she’s earned it- having had to bear his child. In addition to becoming a father, Jack has overhauled his image, going from a chubby, frizzy-haired geek, to that semi-handsome man that works in your local coffee shop who says ‘The usual?‘ to you when you walk in, and you exchange small-talk and think nothing more of it until one dark, eerie night, he shows up at your house and says his car broke down and he thought you lived in this street, and thank god- you do!- can he use your phone to ring AA? Before you know it, you’ve let your guard down and invited him in, but suddenly, he pounces on you and wrestles you to the ground. Wrapping masking tape around your shaking arms, he whispers in your ear, ‘Not so special now, bitch!‘ and tapes your mouth. After two weeks of torture you’re running out of air and, stuck in his car boot, you can feel your heart pumping wearily as you pray that the search party find you before you die of thirst. Yeah, he’s that guy.
Smelly Kelly has arguably made the biggest transition from her MTV persona, going from nerdy outsider to bitchy popular clique-leader who gets off on making other people cry. After dropping the weight-equivalent of a medium-sized dwarf (although her head-size has unfortunately remained intact), Kelly felt that people accepted her more and started embracing herself as a quirky socialite with a dark past, being employed as someone who critiques the appearances of others for the E! network while looking like a fucking dog’s dinner herself, and throwing in that she ‘used to be fat so she knows what it’s like’, as if it’s a justification for causing someone else’s eating disorder. Surprisingly, Kelly is the most family-oriented of the Osbournes, and regularly enjoys turd-bat fashioning with her dad, sad face cancer-posing with her mum, and making sure the crime scene is bleached and the body disposed of with beloved brother Jack.
Keep living the dream, Osbournes!