Tag Archives: Primark

How To Shop In Primark

Clothing chain, Primark, is the darling of the high street for those looking to spend a tenner on disposable clothing that one can chuck in the bin after wearing. From its humble beginnings as a solitary store in Dublin back in the sixties, Primark now dominates the high street and more often than not, most people who look like they could annihilate a person just for looking at them ‘the wrong way’ have a Primark bag in hand. However, while I am a total tramp, I am also the type of person who curls up into a ball and cries when intimidated and as such, I get eaten alive in Primark. It seems that this shop belongs to the cheeky pramfaces of our society. This is an injustice!

Therefore, I decided to conduct some research on how those who sport the illustrious brown Primark bag make it round the shop unscathed to achieve the ultimate glory of buying lots of budget items that will later end up in the charity shop. Who will dispose of them immediately. Here’s what I’ve learned.

Ladies who shop in Primark are notoriously classy, respectable and courteous. Emulate this prior to entering the Primark shop floor by standing outside, smoking and generally being a drain on society. Holding your cigarette and scowling is a tiring process, so you might want to wear your pyjamas. That you previously shoplifted bought from Primark.

Upon entering the shop, acknowledge that all Primark doors are disproportionately small by obstructing the doorway with your fucking pram to check your bastard phone. Tut at me when I trip over you- I’m sorry, it was my fault that you stopped unexpectedly, I’ll just go kill myself, shall I?

Once you have adequately obstructed the door area, head straight to a table of folded items and proceed to rifle through them in a manner more commonly associated with contestants of popular 90s child game show, Fun House, in which horrible bastard children lovely little scamps ransack a house in search of clues and prizes. You aren’t looking for anything in particular on the table; you just want to fucking destroy it because you are an unfeeling cunt who likes to make a mess, and it does not occur to you that someone has to clean up after you. Walk away from the aforementioned table with nothing in your basket, just to add insult to injury.

Don’t forget to stop at the sale rack- it’s full of the world’s cheapest attire, such as ballgowns for 25p and crazy hats clipped on to hangers. Aggressively pull at every item and fling it to the side, walking off and leaving it all at your arse.

Make your way to the lingerie department, where you can delightfully block an entire aisle with your frilly bastard of a pram, which is far too big for your child, little Shaniquisha, because you smoked a lot during pregnancy and she came out a bit on the small side. Fill your basket full of fluorescent knickers while other patrons hold back vomit. Make sure that, when filling your basket, you drop lots of items on the floor, which get caught in your pram wheels and therefore, get covered in wheel-tracks and dirt. Fuck anyone else who has to buy them- other people don’t matter. Waddle off to the nightwear department and get yourself some comfortable clothing for doing the school run.

At this point, it might be a good idea to park your pram with little Shaniquisha in it outside the changing rooms, so that sexual predators and baby kidnappers can steal them if they want- shrug… Go into the changing rooms and inexplicably excrete on the floor. This is how we do, baby.

Finally, head to the footwear department and just randomly throw things around like a caged animal. The object of the game is to get one shoe as far as possible from the shoe is corresponds with, just because you can. In other shops, a security guard would promptly throw you out in the street. But this is Primark! Home of anti-social behaviour! Throw those shoes- throw like you’ve never thrown before. Throw like you’re throwing a punch at your Sandra-Louise for selling your ASBO story to Take A Break. Throw like you’re on Jeremy Kyle and you just got told that you weren’t the father after all. Throw those bastards all over the floor.

When you’ve finished being a total sociopath, head to the checkouts to buy your basket of worthless crap. It is advisable that, as you are otherwise engaged with an irritated checkout assistant, you should lift little Shaniquisha out of her pram so that she can obstruct the aisle on your behalf and be a general nuisance. Being the great parent you are, walk off and forget her after paying, after which, she goes off to start a new life as a child of Primark, roaming the shop 24/7, motherless and alone, wreaking havoc by infringing on other pram babies’ personal space by day and living on the second floor in amongst the socks where she makes her bed by night. She belongs to Primark now.

Leave the shop and reward yourself with a cigarette.

Now- where’s the nearest Peacocks?

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How To Earn More Money And Get Out Of Debt

We are a nation in debt. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to cut down on the things I like for the purpose of saving money, because I’m a greedy, materialistic non-entity whose ‘stuff’ defines my existence. Only joking…

Wonderful human being, Martin Lewis has long been flying the flag for Joe Public, in the fight against corporate crime, greed and the age of consumer manipulation. His goal in life is to get us all out of debt and back to a simpler time when money market instruments weren’t designed to extort money from confused individuals, stealing the livelihood of African farmers was not an ‘investment opportunity’ and when buying a house meant you weren’t paying it it off until retirement the sweet release of death. He is a great man.

But unfortunately, his tips to get us saving money and out of debt are all a bit grim. Do I really want to stop buying the same Primark top over and over again? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, because confidence can be bought! Do I really want to cut down on my grocery shopping? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, for I like eating until I vomit! Do I really want to ring the bank to reclaim the PPI they fraudulently added to my loan? No I don’t Martin Lewis, because I can’t be arsed and Geordie Shore is on!

What we need is to be enthusiastic about saving money and getting out of debt- to make the art of frugality a bit more amusing, sociable and fun.

So here are my own non-boring tips to make some extra money and get yourself out of debt:

1. Commit credit card fraud

If you can’t afford to spend on your own credit cards, applying for them fraudulently in someone’s else name not only stimulates our economy, but saves you a fortune. Step one- Open an Excel spreadsheet and title it ‘People I’m Robbing’. Step Two- Rummage through the same bins for months, gathering important and private information about the owner. Step Three- Once enough information has been gathered, apply online like the cowardly thief you are for all sorts of finance. Step Four- Go on a spending spree with your stolen money. Step Five- Get caught. Step Six- Get a friend to cement your arse-crack for your stint in prison.

2. Fake your own death

And say goodbye to debt repayments forever. In addition to being a hilarious prank to play on loved ones, faking your own death cuts down a lot of other everyday expenses too- such as phone bills (because you’ll be dead) and rent (because you’ll be dead). Prior to faking your own death, pick a hereditary illness to later die of, so that your siblings will be shitting themselves and lying awake at night, waiting for the grim reaper- titter! Entertain yourself at your funeral by rolling out of the coffin when someone accidentally gets too close in grief, making your family hoist your lifeless body back in whilst weeping with horror. Then use your coffin as a raft to sail the whole way to Panama. Hello, new life in the sun!

3. Steal from friends and family

If you choose not to fake your own death as you’d miss your loved ones too much, then why not steal from them instead? Stealing from friends and family is an easy and effective way to up your income, mostly because they trust you enough to let you into their homes where you can spend all day deciding what to pawn to Cash Converters in exchange for material items that are more important than your relationships. Heads up: sentimental value means nothing in Cash Converters, so if you’re going to say, steal your Grandmother’s locket, remember to throw out the picture of her with her beloved deceased dog, Tricksy, first.

4. Start playing slot machines

Gambling via slot machines, is a low-risk, high-return way to nurse your pockets back to financial health. And you don’t even need any money to get started. Simply enter any depressing pub, and take your start-up capital right out of the charity box. The children of Africa don’t mind- you need it more than them. Then spend every waking hour of the rest of your life playing Poker with a teletext-style computer. Insider secret: ploughing your meagre winnings back into the machine is a brilliant idea as this maximises your chances of winning even more money. You’ll be rich on your next go, I can feel it.

5. Sell a baby

Self explanatory really. Sell a baby.

6. Become clinically depressed

Being depressed to the extent you cannot get out of bed in the morning is an excellent way to avoid the shops and save some cash. In addition, because you aren’t paying money off your mountain of bills, you’ll be too depressed to answer the door to the balliffs who have come round to kick your fuck in and take your plasma screen. Bingo!

7. Blackmail someone

Besides being an excellent money-maker, blackmail has endless benefits- it helps to develop your interpersonal skills, you can hone your arts and crafts skills by making ransom notes, and you might even make a few friends in the process! Simply stalk someone until you uncover a dirty secret, and then threaten to tout on them. Remember, the art of blackmail is like dancing, you move and your partner reacts for as long as you choose to keep it up. Blackmail- like Zumba, but for cunts.

8. Participate in clinical trials

Clinical trials have long been an effective way for the emotionally damaged to earn some extra money, but us ‘normals’ have never really subscribed because we prefer to have all of our fingers intact, rather than obtain the money to buy a big bag of crack. But, in all honesty, do we really need all those fingers? I, for one, would be glad to cut down the time I take to manicure my nails.

9. Create your own spam e-mail

May I suggest, ‘Greeting frend. I am writing not for donation, but seeking companionship in time difficult to me. You see, my father, Prince Henrik the Second of Pretchovakia, is ill and soon to die. I am heir to throne and estate- you see, I need not the donation and am how your people say ‘heavy of pocket’. I seek lady frendship to talk and have the elbow to cry on. In my country, men talk not of feeling but I am twentyeth century male for new millenium and wish to meet lady to walk long on beach, listen to the Michael Buble and govern nation like Princess. I even pay air travel costs. All I ask is pleasure of getting to know you, such as name, first line of address, postcode, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, bank account number, sort code and characters 1 and 5 of your secret answer. Please enclose these details as reply so we can get to know each other. Many hug and more, Steve Henrik the Third’.

Obviously, you can write whatever you want, just made sure you ask the recipient for their private information in a conspicuous and savvy way, as above.

10. Prostitution

Prostitution is an excellent second job. Not only is it a tax-efficient way to make some extra cash, but you can also save on petrol by getting your ‘John’ to drop you off at your next destination, be it your pimp’s hovel, neighbourhood meth clinic or local shop that sells feather boas, ripped tights and other prostitute attire.

So there you have it, folks- ten ways in which you can finally get yourself out of debt and back to the good life. Anyways, I have to cut this one short, the internet is really expensive in Panama and my pimp keeps tapping his watch.

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