Tag Archives: rufus hound

Coping With The Recession- How To Make More Money

As I mentioned many times previously, I’m poor as fuck. Being poor is a nightmare- all of your stuff is old and shit, and when people invite you places, you have to say, ‘I can’t because I’m poor’. This is usually a conversation killer.

However, everyone appears to be in the same boat at the minute because of the bastard economy. My computer knows I’m poor (probably because I type things like, ‘Aldi Online Shopping’ and ‘How To Make A Washing Machine Out Of Old Bric-A-Brac’ into Google) and keeps giving me advertised suggestions that are relevant to my situation. The other day, up flashed an advertisement saying, ‘This man made $15million from the recession! Find out what he’s investing in next at www.capitalistwankers.com! with a picture of his smug bastard face beside it. I wouldn’t like to know what he is investing in next because I have morals, but I would like to know his home address so that I can visit him, bash his testicles in with a baseball bat, hold him down while the entire population of African farmers shit on his face, and then take back our money, livelihood and future. Dickhead.

But my advice is to always be positive. And this means trying to find ways to cope with the recession. This subject is likely to be continued with follow-up posts as I have infinite ways to be thrifty and save cash, having spent £23,000 on travelling during the last 3 years while juggling the act of not having a pot to piss in. But here’s a few to keep you going for now:

Become an Entrepreneur

Even though the recession was in full swing in 2011, the amount of new businesses grew 10% from the previous year. Join these entrepreneurs by becoming your own boss, too. Not sure what to do? It’s easy- identify your talents and sell your skills. For example, if you have lots of children, force them to form a band and start shopping them around as the next Jackson 5. Always making up shit racist/sexist jokes and texting them to your mates while also having the ability to grow quirky facial hair? Become Rufus Hound. Gymnastic experience? Become a burglar in banks from films that have lasers to protect their displays. Someone once told you that your Facebook posts were moderately humorous? Start a blog where you write tidbits of gossip and instructional articles about things you know nothing about, under an arsy name that doesn’t even make sense.

Reclaim

If you ever had a loan or credit card, you may have been missold PPI (Payment Protection Insurance), and you could be entitled to reclaim that money. However, don’t bother printing out a simple letter template (here) and sending it off for the cost of a stamp. Instead, ring 0800WeScrewYou or 0845CallousBastards, or log on to www.PreyingOnOldPeople.com to give them half of your money just for sending that same letter themselves. The best bit is, the cunts charge you in advance to claim, which means you’ll be able to pay back most of the unauthorised overdraft charges they caused with your cut of your reclaimed funds.

Stop Paying Your Tax

Refuse to pay income tax. If HMRC get in touch, promptly point out that Vodafone, Amazon and Arcadia don’t pay their tax so you won’t either. I’m sure that will work out great.

Steal

Stealing stuff is arguably the easiest way to obtain things without having to pay for them, and chances are, if you work for a huge multi-national, you’re stealing from people every day anyway. To ease your guilty conscience, tell yourself that you’re a modern day Robin Hood or one of the youths involved in the London Riots of 2011 who is just frustrated by your stolen future, innit. Then head straight down to the Apple shop and steal a fucking great big Mac for yourself because stuff equals happiness.

Hook

Hooking, known as the world’s oldest profession, has always been an easy way to earn some cash but having a pimp is costly and soon, that greasy £20 note that your John has wiped his nose on will be eaten up by admin fees. Therefore, be your own pimp by getting yourself hooked on drugs, smacking yourself upside the head and shouting ‘Pipe down, bitch!’ and rocking a green snakeskin suit every time you be up in the club, homes. Hey presto- no pimp fees and more money for heroin and crack.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to hook in the traditional sense because the touch of a dirty old man makes you want to cut your skin off, then cut out the middleman (literally) by sawing off one of your hands, sticking a large hook on the end of your bleeding nub, dress up like a pirate and walk around Asda shouting, ‘Arrrr, matey!‘ at little children until a store representative pays you to stay the fuck away. Kerching.

Well, that’s all for today folks, I hope I’ve given you a few ways to save some cash and cope during the recession. I’m off to the hospital to get my nub treated for gangrene. And incase your wondering, I didn’t hook. I sawed my hand off off, fashioned the middle finger into an ‘Up Yours’ and sent to it Rufus Hound for being an absolute prick.

Fuck you, Rufus Hound.

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Five Ways to Drive Activity On Your Facebook

There is nothing worse than posting a Facebook status and then watching a virtual tumbleweed roll past as no-one bothers to ‘Like’ or comment on your post. Well… war, famine, poverty etc. is clearly much worse, but we live in the Western world, where people take photos of cats in dresses and laugh until they puke at Rufus Hound, so clearly our priorities are fucked up.

So, how do you get more comments, ‘Likes’ and drive activity on your Facebook updates without selling out? If I knew the answer, I’d be selling it to businesses who are wondering the same and employing these tactics on my own Facebook. But, if you don’t give a fiddler’s and have no qualms taking a trip to CrazyBastardville, then I’d suggest you do the following:

Embellish, Embellish, Embellish

If like me, your day largely consists of arsing about and holding back tears of disappointment re: your life, you’ll have nothing of entertainment value to post on your Facebook. But nowhere in Facebook’s Terms and Conditions of Use does it stipulate that the misrepresentation of dull events is disallowed, so why not just start fucking talking all sorts of smack about what you’re up to? For example, the next time you win £10 on the lottery, update your status to ‘Just won the lottery, wohoo! #ImNotUsingHashtagCorrectlyButNeverMindImRich!’ Develop this embellishment further by posting a picture of yourself planking in a fur coat and lots of jewels, or wankily fanning yourself with currency.

Lie

While embellishment is related to the original subject matter of your status, general lying is unrelated to reality but very effective in making your life appear more thrilling. Turn out all the lights in your house, draw the curtains and keep your children home from school for a few weeks, then then start writing statuses like, ‘Off to Antigua with the family- whoopie!’, ‘Sunbathing by the pool today with a cocktail’ and ‘Doing the Conga round the hotel nightclub- Good times!’.

If you want even more attention, make up a thrilling twist to your story like, ‘Met a 27 year old hotel waiter called Miguel an hour ago who said he’s fallen in love with me- WTF?’, then the next morning, add, ‘Me and Miguel stayed up all night talking, decided to move to Antigua permanently to stay with him. Fuck the kids. YOLO’. Later on in the week, you might say, ‘Can’t believe Miguel’s poor dad needs £20,000 for heart surgery by the end of today, en route to the bank to open up a joint account for me and Miguel <3’ (remember to check yourself in at the bank) and ‘OMG someone has drained our joint account. Miguel is upset and shocked but he just won a new car in a raffle so at least we’ve had some good news today’. Of course, you can’t be on your fake holidays forever, so remember to add, ‘Flew home to escape the clutches of Miguel. Turns out his dad is in perfect health. Heartbroken 😥 ‘, on the day social services call round to enquire as to the reason you’ve been holding your family hostage.

Be Cryptic

Unfortunately, when lying, you must put yourself in the public eye for everyone else to judge. For those of you who are demure and prefer to keep you private life just so, you can be cryptic with your posts to ensure you get the maximum amount of attention. For example, ‘I could cry at the amount of housework I have to do’ should be changed to ‘Can’t take it anymore, might kill myself’.

That’s sure to get a rise from concerned friends and nosy bastards who are lurking about. If you are pissed off with someone but don’t have the danglies to come out with it on Facebook because they would absolutely destroy you, replace their name with ‘SOME PEOPLE’ e.g. ‘SOME PEOPLE should watch their back because I’m not above arson, rape and murder- and I have a fucking great big freezer to hide your body parts in so their family will never get justice’. And the best bit is that all of your paranoid aquaintances will be wondering if the time they laughed at your profile picture because you looked like badger will have somehow got back to you. Zing.

Sex Sells

It is undeniable that using sex to ahead- that’s what she said- is a tried and tested business tool. Just ask borderline prostitute Kim Kardashian and her gaggle of less-asthetically-pleasing-but-slightly-more-likeable sisters. Why not use this to your advantage by taking naked pictures of yourself and posting them on your public profile? It doesn’t matter if your face could pickle onions and your body looks like lots of uncooked sausages squashed into a bin filled with discarded pubic hair- that’s what people want to see.

Create Artificial Interest

Think about it- why do restaurants always sit diners at the window? Obviously, they want potential diners to see that they are popular. Create this same effect on your own Facebook page by creating lots of fake profiles for people you made up, be they your inner voices or just the imaginary friends you had as a lonely child trying to block out those potentially harmful thoughts, and have a party with yourself by logging into each profile and chatting similtaneously. You could even fool your real Facebook contacts into thinking you’re a world traveller by naming your fake friends ‘Judy Jamaica’, ‘Sally Singapore’ and ‘Freddy Finland’, or that you’re a modest genius with names like ‘Spencer Spectacles’, ‘Mary Maths-Advanced-Higher-Level’ and ‘Neville Newspaper’.

So there it is, folks- Five ways to drive activity on your Facebook, with little to no effort at all. Anyway, must dash, Miguel wants to give our love another chance as his father has just had a relapse. Where’s my cheque book?

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