Tag Archives: Screech

Where Are They Now… The Cast of Saved By The Bell

Back in the early ’90s, they were the coolest kids on the planet and started many a trend, including turning a chair backwards to sit on it and… erm, those red basket for chips that Americans seem to like. But what are the cast of Saved By The Bell up to nowadays? Did they get to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by, or was it alright because it was saved by the bell? Etc. Here’s the current scoop on the cast:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris)

After finding fame as Zack Morris, a preppy jokester with the ability to call ‘time out’ and effectively stop time, Gosselaar failed to achieved the same level of success in roles post-SBTB. But that’s alright, because now Gosselaar uses his time-stopping ability to spend his days spontaneously stopping time and wrecking havoc. ‘I’ll call ‘Time Out’ and go into nightclubs, grope a few women, spike a few drinks- the usual. But it’s not all bad- sometimes I just call ‘Time Out’ and go out in public where I can shout ‘I was the Zack Morris’ without public scorn‘, he recently confessed. To police. In connection to a rape allegation.

Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski)

Thisessen portrayed All-American girl, Kelly Kapowski, in the hit show- an iconic character that was the first love of many teens of the early ’90s. And Thiessen knows all too well that there is huge public demand for her to reprise her role. ‘I’m certain that, someday soon, I’m going to get the call telling me that Kelly’s getting her own spin-off show, so until that day, I wake up and ‘be’ Kelly all day long,’ she laughs. ‘It’s a tough task- I listen to George Michael and pretend that he’s still heterosexual, which is a full-time job on it’s own. I spend hours on the phone pretending to gossip with Lisa Turtle. And I’ve even had to get hairplugs from coiffing my fringe into an ’80’s do for the past 30 years. But it will all be worth it when I get my own show. Sorry, did I just foam at the mouth?‘ Keep living the dream, Tiff!

Dustin Diamond (Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers)

Screech was the sort of lovable High School weirdo who, if his character was a real person, would have probably cracked under the pressure and shot up the school cafeteria one day after listening to a Marilyn Manson song. Luckily, he’s just a character. But Dustin Diamond, who played Screech, is also the type of person to go on a shooting rampage- if he had the balls to do it, which he doesn’t. However, Diamond has had the balls to pen a ‘tell-all’ book about the seedy behind-the-scenes scandals of SBTB, which not only contains heavy use of the word ‘douchenozzle’, but also claims that Diamond has slept with over 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland, and that he had an affair with his SBTB TV exec boss- who died in 2003 and therefore, isn’t able to furiously deny his claims. And the most hilarious bit about this is that I didn’t have to make any of it up.

Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater)

A.C. Slater was the ultimate high school jock who inexplicably spent his days hanging around with Screech, when in reality, their positions at opposite ends of the social spectrum meant that they would only have interacted in the gym showers when conducting a secret affair. In real life, Mario- real name Cecil Tweedstamps– has spent his days post-SBTB trying to re-invent himself as a TV presenter, fronting quality shows such as an hour-long, weekly show in which members of the public bring their pets on to the stage and command them to do tricks while the pet stares blankly ahead, clearly upset by the cameras. ‘I love presenting Petstar!Mario exclaims. ‘It’s a cross between watching paint dry, and someone pissing on your chips.’

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle)

Shy Lark played Lisa Turtle– fashionista and future person who looks back at photos of her clothing and says, ‘What the fuck was I thinking?‘ As the saying goes, Lark wears many hats in the entertainment biz, and while this usually refers to someone who works in many different areas of the business, Lark just wears lots of hats. ‘Sometimes I wear bowler hats, other times I might wear a beanie hat. When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll wear a fascinator and pretend I’m going to a wedding. But at the minute, I’m wearing a lot of baseball hats as I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. I don’t know what happened- one minute, I’m going about my business, the next, I find myself in a stranger’s bed and Mark-Paul Gosselaar is being questioned by the police,‘ she cries.

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano)

While Jessie Spano was always on a crusade for equal rights, her character loved a bit of male attention and she was known for her tight jeans as much as her half-arsed feminist pontification. While Elizabeth’s acting roles since SBTB, a wealth of stripper characters, would leave Jessie Spano outwardly horrified but secretly pleased about the male attention, she uses her free time to paint and create art. In fact, her painting was the muse behind the song  ‘Jessie Paints a Picture’. ‘I’ll paint anything- family portraits, nature, whatever you want. The paintings are $30, and two for 50- but for you, I’ll do them for $45. I’ll only do nudes if you wear a pair of paper-pants, and I’ll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks,’ she said in a recent interview. ‘Just pop your clothes over on the chair’.

Time out.

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My Top Five Fashion Picks For May- Rainy Day Special

After the popularity of My Top Five Fashion Picks for Spring/Summer 2012 (here), I was surprised to see that I have become quite the trendsetter and have spotted many people taking inspiration from my fashion picks. Why, just last week I was shopping and spotted a few sacks of potatoes working the burlap sack trend I had pioneered in my last post. Whilst being mugged a few days ago, my attacker was a vision in Sport-Lux, wearing an Adidas tracksuit and four coin rings- fabulous! I’ve even had some influence in the glamorous world of television, as many variations of my LWD of choice was featured on More 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Good times.

Anyway, seeing as the weather is so unpredictable these days, here are my top five fashion picks for this rainy May:

Under my Umbrella-ella-ella-Hat

Function, fashion and fun rolled into one with this zany Screech from Saved By The Bell inspired creation. This beauty allows you to keep dry while freeing up both hands to give people the finger for laughing at your ridiculous hat. This hat can be dressed up with your head, or dressed down by putting it on your feet and pretending you’re standing up in a little tiny boat.

Return of the Mac

See what I did there? Macs are perfect in-between attire for days when it’s cold, but too warm for winter woolies, or so I’m told. Accessorise yours with being smug and sneering at people like myself who are wearing glorified pyjamas while out for dinner. You’re more of a worthy human being than everyone else.

Be Up Shit Creek- With a Paddle!

Update any outfit with a practical yet charming paddle, perfect for beating Mother Nature over the head with and rowing your way to safety lest we drown with all this rain. In addition, this could be an ideal accessory for toughening up dresses for a night at the club, while also helping to prop you up when you get too drunk on vodka and the belief that your dancing isn’t as tragic as you once thought.

Lumberjack Shirts

It wouldn’t be a ThinkingGal fashion blog without a Big ’80s Lesbian (my personal style) tribute, and given the rainy, humid weather, no outfit would be complete without a men’s lumberjack shirt tied around your ample waist. Queen of this style era, Aileen Wuornos, was regularly spotted sporting this fashion gem. Beyond looking great and not-at-all butch, lumberjack shirts are great for concealing your weapon, wiping blood and/or evidence from the scene of the crime, and keeping you warm while hiding in the forest until the search party start to give up hope, before being easily and quickly disposed of in a river, along with the body. Oh, and it keeps you dry in the rain too. Convenient and chic!

Leopard Print Leggings

Nothing to do with the rain- I just like pretending I’m half leopard, half human. Or at very least, someone who eats the crusty bit around the top of a bottle of Heinz Tomato Ketchup– which these leggings just scream.

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