Tag Archives: whitney cummings

What Your Facebook Profile Picture Says About You

facebook

Your Facebook profile picture acts as the face of your online presence among your social circle, your family, your work colleagues and all those other cunts that you just can’t shake off. Therefore, it is undeniable that the average user sees this function as an opportunity to project suggestions on to the opinions that others’ have of them, and is a very accurate indicator of the sort of person you see yourself as. Unfortunately, as humans, our perception of how others’ perceive us is usually different to how we self-perceive, and ironically, the more we push a self-image on to others, the more counter-productive this act becomes; less is more.

But why did you pick your Facebook profile picture? What did you, consciously or unconsciously, want to be perceived as by others? And how do they really see you? Here’s a few of the most common types:

Facebook Profile Picture: Teenaged Girl Posing Provocatively

teenage girl

Desired Perception by Others: You are desperate to shed your ‘little girl’ image and to be viewed as attractive and mature, but not mature enough to not be a little bit whorish if you met the right person (anyone). Whilst your pose is provocative, you’ve projected innocence in your facial expression (something classy like a Marilyn Monroe pout) to create the illusion that you aren’t the whore that your choice of outfit says you are.

Actual Perception by Others: Whore.

Facebook Profile Picture Teenaged Boy Flexing Muscles

Skinny Guy

Desired Perception by Others: Like your female counterpart, you are also trying to elude your past image, suggesting to your virtual circle that you are a man. Strong, mature and intimidating, you really are a force to be reckoned with.

Actual Perception by Others: Hung like a budgie’s hardener. This image would be better portrayed if your mum wasn’t putting away your folded laundry in the background.

Facebook Profile Picture: Zany Group Photo Involving Fake Moustache

Hipsters group underware

Desired Perception by Others: Not only are you dead popular, but the fact that you can put up a public photograph of you NOT looking your absolute best- well, you’re cooler than Azealia Banks wearing a ‘Nerd’ t-shirt and drinking out of a jam jar. You are happy, carefree and modest, even though you’re actually much smarter, more intelligence and just plan better than the rest of us.

Actual Perception by Others: Hipster cunt. Take that insult and pass it around that bunch of try-too-hard kooks you call ‘homies’, too. Even though you’re white. And from Newcastle.

Facebook Profile Picture: Bingo-Wing Minimising, Holding in Stomach, Wide-Eyed Facial Expression at Saturday Night Pre-‘Going Out’ Drinks In Friend’s House

Danielle Lloyd

Desired Perception by Others: Like Kimora Lee Simmonsyou’re a Mogul, you’re a Model, you’re a Mom. In other words, you juggle a part-time job, looking after your children that you’ve each named after the Kardashians and you still have time to get your nails and ‘stenshins did every fortnight. You’re handling your shit, and you’ll be damned if you’ve got all dolled up and lost four and a half pounds with Weightwatchers and not upload a picture of how gorgeous you are to Facebook.

Actual Perception by Others: Your friend’s home décor looks like a peacock savagely stabbed a leopard to death with a stick of candyfloss.

Facebook Profile Picture: Couple

whitney

Desired Perception by Others: Look how happy we are.

Actual Perception by Others: Your kids aren’t going to have much in the looks department

Facebook Profile Picture: Picture of Sunset/Beach/Snow scene/Other travelling photo

backpacker

Desired Perception by Others: Not only will people see how well-travelled and cultured you are, but the fact that you aren’t the main focus, and instead a much-smaller piece of the overall picture (you’ve obviously had to have been in the picture as proof that you were there and didn’t just steal it off Google Images) suggests that your mind is not self-centric but instead, focused on bigger, world issues. You see yourself as easy-going, philosophical and a free spirit.

Actual Perception by Others: Gimp.

Stay tuned for more, hypocritical judgements on others when I’ve definitely been guilty of the majority of these in the past (now).

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The Five Types of Bitch

Love You, Mean It
As the sort of person who doesn’t like to ruffle feathers out of the sort of fear that induces IBS, I don’t like to generalise women, especially considering that they’re a damn sight better than men. But let’s face it- there’s a cunt epidemic out there amongst us gals that is spreading quicker than genital warts in One Direction’s shared abode. Why do women act like bitches?

Let me first say that this is a very small minority of women. Most are decent people, you know, normal humans preoccupied with their own stuff whilst mildly aware of trying to avoid stepping on the toes of other, similarly self-preoccupied women. And we all like those people.

But then, every now and again, we all have the misfortune to encounter an almighty biatch whose sole purpose in life is to ruin the buzz of every lady, aspiring lady and honorary manlady in her big selfish-cuntbag path. A bitch whose own ineptitude has marinated so long, it is able to project itself like a flying turd right down the front of my motherfucking blouse. And to those women, I say ‘Fuck you, bitch’.

This reading is (hopefully) not my usual blog style of a crazy beast hoping to Jesus that those voices in her head are ”normal” and ”will go away”, and please, don’t think I’m trying to be some sort of new Samantha Brick, desperate to tar women with a jealous brush to explain away her own unlikeableness and narcissism, I’m just saying that some women are bitches. And that small minority are the single reason why some arsehole men call us all bitches, when the majority aren’t.

But there isn’t just one type of bitch. Oh no, that would make them too easy to expose. Here are my five types of bitch:

You Know Who I’m Worried About?

Ever converse with a passive aggressive mate who likes to pick mutual aquaintances that are down on their luck by saying, ‘You know who I’m worried about?‘ and then proceeds to bitch and whine endlessly about the person whom she claims to have compassion for. You know what? In this scenario, sharing is not caring. Why not just say, ‘You know who I hate? Me. I hate me. But my self-hatred has been somewhat alleviated by Jodie getting dumped by her boyfriend. Let’s discuss that, plus suggest reasons for why Jodie is unlovable. Perhaps afterwards I can cite these reasons to other mutual friends, but to them, I’ll say that Jodie’s ex-boyfriend threw all this shit in her face as he packed up and left. Also, I might suggest that Jodie has attempted suicide, but I’ll put a comedic slant on it, like she tried to slit her wrists with a butterknife or something, so that people don’t get concerned enough to confront her and then everyone will find out that I’ve made it all up. Apart from Jodie getting dumped, which was, terrifically, true. Hooray!’

I’m Just Telling It Like It Is

If you have to suffix, ‘I’m just telling it like it is’ to your sentences, then you probably didn’t have to tell it like it is because you really didn’t have to be that mean. ‘Honesty is the best policy’ bitches are just cunts behind smokescreens. Yes, you could be totally blunt, or… have a bit of tact?

Passing Off Criticism as Constructive Criticism

‘Critical’ bitches who reassure themselves that their comments are constructive are similar to our chip-laden shouldered lasses in the former category, but with the added delusion of thinking that they are handing out valuable and appreciated advice to the recipient. In reality, this is usually not the case. If a bitch feels the need to constantly criticise others under the guise of ‘self-improvement’, then she’s the one with the problem. Perhaps she could well-meaningly criticise herself and see how long it takes before she breaks down and starts shooting up the motherfucking Mac counter, for they make us look like clowns. Probably for a laugh. But that’s neither here nor there. Where was I? Oh yes…

Assuming Everyone Is Out To Get You

There is nothing more tiresome than a bitch who believes that she is the subject of relentless jealousy from other females. Why self-promote if the reaction gets your goat? When bitches sing their successes from the rooftops and the reaction is less than congratulatory, it is most likely that people are responding by rolling their eyes, not seething with envy. But regardless, ‘Everyone is jealous of me’ bitch soldiers on, refusing to let the ‘haterz’ get her down. You know who else thinks they have ‘haterz’? Speidi, that’s who. Do you want to be Speidi? No, neither does anyone. So pipe down.

Quip-Women

Although no-one knows the exact origin of ‘Quip-women’, rumour has it that this new breed of pseudo-intellectual females who say they don’t give a fuck what you think but are inexplicably still wearing a Wonderbra, dragging themselves to the gym in the morning and have a picture of Jo Brand stuck to their fridge as a deterrent came about during a shift in societal norms when it was no longer acceptable to bray your wife with the back of your hand amongst white, upper-middle class America. Shame on them. Now, people like Whitney Cummings are allowed on the TV to vomit up the programme equivalent of a pink champagne stain on a Laura Ashley cushion. ‘Love You, Mean It’, in which no-oil-painting-herself Whitney critiques current events (i.e. outfits/bodies/faces of female celebrities) with the sort of humour that wouldn’t even make it into a pound shop joke book while visibly biting her lip to keep herself from exploding with smugness. I wouldn’t mind so much, but Whitney’s rising career as a comedienne (eurgh) is depriving an outlandishly camp man of a BFF somewhere, and I fear that, now that their friend-destiny remains unfulfilled, instead one day I may waste four and a half minutes of my life watching his Youtube rant about how Bobbi Kristina needs to get her shit together. Fuck you, Whitney.

I would also like to point out that I am not a ‘Quip-woman’, as I’m far to slow to devise any sort of decent comeback, and prefer to sactimoniously whinge from the comfort of my keyboard. I’m a keyboard bitch, which is the younger counterpart of a ‘Catlady’. Life is good.

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